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[parodeity]

DAVE STRIDER

consider this your warning about stairs. itll just keep happening bro. im telling you man

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[parodeity]

I'll do whatever you ask if you think it'll help.

[ help dirk, do something, but dave doesn't think he can fix any of it. he knows he breaks himself a little more every day, and he doesn't see the point in trying to glue the fragments back together again and again and again. ]

It's not like it's a requirement to be happy.

[splinten]

I remember your Vonnegut quote of choice about bein' alive.

[So what does he do. How does he help build Dave, instead of being someone who breaks him?]

I don't know. I want to let you be with me without you havin' to break more.

[parodeity]

I've been doin' that for years either side of my memories. It was just in much, much smaller ways on this side. [ he taps the ledge. ] I can live with breakin'.

[ also: ]

I don't know what we're doin'. But I won't ask you for anything.

[splinten]

[That leaves a sad, painful taste in his mouth. For years. He doesn't want to believe it. He doesn't want to believe that Dave was breaking for years on this side and he didn't know.

He steadies himself, his eyes shut.]

I don't want to end the deal or Saturdays, unless it will hurt you too much to continue them. If it's like me nappin' with you.

[parodeity]

I think it'd hurt either way, in different ways. We can keep goin' until you don't want to, just...warn me first.

[ absently: ]

Those half measures aren't as bad as almost gettin' back somethin' lost.

[splinten]

[He swallows.]

How do you feel right now?

[parodeity]

Like I should feel cold or tired or hungry. [ but he's not any of the three, not really. ] Sad. Lonely.

[ resigned and wishing to be distant, far away and not here. Small and petty and stupid and pointless and calm and fractured. ]

You?

[splinten]

Sad and lonely, yeah. [Quieter] Useless and weak and destructive and selfish.

[parodeity]

And petty and stupid and small and like an afterthought. [ fun times. ]

[splinten]

We're so damn good at this.

[He hasn't pulled his hand away yet, leaving it there for Dave.]

We keep fallin' further. I can't find the way to climb up.

[parodeity]

I haven't seen one for a while.

[ he doesn't move except to speak, staring out at the city. ]

When I was a kid I never really thought about the future much.

[splinten]

When did that change?

[parodeity]

When the future started happenin' and I couldn't ignore it anymore. Both sides.

[splinten]

I keep thinkin' there must be a way to work out a future that's better than where we are now.

[But he doesn't know how to make something like that out of this.]

You said you wouldn't ask anythin' of me. I still want to know what you need, that you're willin' to accept. I won't blame you if you can't tell me about it.

[parodeity]

I don't know that it's "need" if I can live without. That falls more along the lines of "want", doesn't it?

[splinten]

That depends on what the need is for. There's what you need to exists, but then there's the more nebulous what you need to be alive. There are things you need to be happy, and the stuff you need to be safe.

Different outcome, but all needs. The things you want might not necessarily give you a specific outcome, but the things you need are necessary preconditions. Mathematical logic, basically.

[parodeity]

I only really prioritize the exist and stay safe parts.

[ a frown. ]

I fucked it up, though. If I'd remembered more sooner, I never would have said a word to you, and it'd all still be fine. Fine-ish.

[splinten]

I'd have noticed the distance, and nothin' would've been fine. I'd just have thought it was all completely my fault.

[parodeity]

It's the other way around. And you might not have. You don't notice things sometimes.

[splinten]

It isn't the other way around. [Has to disagree!] I don't, but I am pretty sure I'd pick up that eventually. You don't cover things up totally sometimes.

[parodeity]

What do you think you're doin' that hurts me, then.

[splinten]

Not knowin' the cause doesn't make me totally blind to the effect. As it is, I'm pretty sure that I've pulled back too far sometimes and pushed too hard other times.

Frankly, I'm worried this entire conversation is hurting you. But I'm also concerned that if we don't deal with it, we'll basically be leaving our relationship with a broken bone that we've failed to set. It would ruin any chances we might have of... [He doesn't know how to put it.] Of finding trust and safety in one another.

[parodeity]

Give me a month and I'll be able to cover the effects as well as the cause.

[ dave shrugs: ] I'm [ fine ] not hurtin' that much more than is usual for me nowadays. I'm...I am sorry you can't think of me like that now.

[splinten]

It probably isn't how you're thinking it. [He tugs off his glasses, finally, and just holds them folded up in his hands.] I hate that these are Dante's eyes.

[Anyway. He tries to explain, thumbing along the edge of the shades.]

I trust you and feel safe around you like I used to, except that I used to believe I would never lose you. I used to believe nothin' could ever take you away from me. Now, that's the one thing I can't trust. I'm scared that there's a door I can't get through, that I'm losing you chunks at a time and I'll never get you back. That as I try to keep you, I'm destroying you.

[That's the only thing.]

It's probably fair that I can't feel safe in it given that you don't either. I said I wanted to be by your side for all of this.

[parodeity]

I felt it a little less drastically.