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[parodeity]

DAVE STRIDER

consider this your warning about stairs. itll just keep happening bro. im telling you man

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[parodeity]

Before. When I first saw you.

[ he'd grabbed roxy's hand and taken her away and it had been...

monumentally unfair and weird and distressing. ]

[splinten]

[He frowns.]

You mean on the rooftop? [He doesn't have the memory of the dream thing.]

[parodeity]

No. I don't want to lie about it, but I don't really want to talk about it. It was just...obvious you cared about people, and that fuckin' sucked.

[splinten]

[He frowns, but doesn't push, since Dave said he doesn't want to lie and he'll take that.]

Because the version of me that raised you hadn't cared about you.

[parodeity]

Yeah. [ it had been like - ] It was weird as fuck, watchin' you, because it was the same damn face and the same damn voice, and it was all I ever wanted to be directed at me directed like. Elsewhere instead? So it was petty idiocy overlaid with surreal unreality.

[ pointless thoughts and feelings, like always. ]

[splinten]

I would've been jealous and angry at myself if it had been flipped turnways. I'd wonder how I was deficient that I hadn't gotten that, and I would've come up with a long list of reasons.

[Petty and small and inadequate.]

[parodeity]

I think that's more or less what I did, except also I just repressed it.

[ a snort o laughter. ]

[splinten]

I have never repressed something when I could instead choose to drown myself in it.

[Yeah Dirk isn't exactly better.]

Do you feel that here?

[parodeity]

Sometimes. Not always in the same way, but sometimes. I at least got window dressin'.

[ he isn't sure if he thinks their parents are real or not. it's a weird thing to consider off and on. ]

[splinten]

[Dirk makes a soft sound, somewhere between agreement and thoughtfulness.]

Going back to the point at hand, it's okay. I hope maybe you can come back from it, but it'd be crazy to expect you not to feel that way.

[parodeity]

Come back from which part.

[splinten]

From the part where your past life experiences with the weird, evil version of me influence how you see me. I don't mean erase it entirely, but maybe at least learn to trust that I won't, you know. Things like ignoring you when you say you don't want physical contact. That kind of thing.

[parodeity]

Oh. I don't know. [ it's hard to build up trust again when it's constantly being shaken by the dumbest shit. all the things he let build up or never mentioned, the things that chip away at his base but which he could ignore when there was a foundation there. ] It would be nice.

[splinten]

Yeah, it would. [But he doesn't know what shakes it, so it's so hard to figure out where and how to stop.] If you're willing to try, I would be willin' to work on earnin' your trust back. If you think it's a stupid idea it's fine, I'll just try not to suck too hard.

[parodeity]

It's not really your fault you're tryin' to balance on quicksand.

[splinten]

Maybe fault isn't the most important thing. It's cause and effect, and if I can control the cause to stop creating the effect, I'd like to.

[parodeity]

That's my job. I'll...ok, at this rate, I will probably never get the hang of it, but I will relearn how to put up with it.

[splinten]

You do not have exclusive rights on taking responsibility for causality. [...] Time shit doesn't count. I'm reasonably confident Heart covers free will crap. I'm still in the clear.

[parodeity]

The things you do every day that hurt me aren't things I plan to ever talk to you about, Dirk. I never have before, not in more than flashes.

[splinten]

[There's a moment of pause.] Why?

[parodeity]

Because they're the kinds of tiny everyday hurts people deal to one another that shouldn't hurt at all.

[splinten]

[But they do. And that's what matters. They do, and they hurt Dave, and Dirk wants to stop doing them. He wants to know and go forward.

He can't force Dave to do anything. Won't that hurt more? When he speaks, he isn't forceful. It's more of an observation, something he thinks Dave maybe already knows.]

I don't know how much 'shouldn't matters anymore, either. It's what it is, and burying it doesn't mean workin' on it. It just means... having it.

[parodeity]

I've done it for years. For a lifetime, really.

[splinten]

Yeah. You have. [And nothing has changed.

Maybe it's what Dave needs. Dirk honestly doesn't know. He is so lost, and Dave's right. He's on quicksand.]

I don't know. For any of this. There's barely any stable ground.

[parodeity]

Sorry, it's just - it's all stuff you can't really change. So.

[ a shrug. ]

It's just not normally overlaid with another lifetime's bullshit.