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[parodeity]

DAVE STRIDER

consider this your warning about stairs. itll just keep happening bro. im telling you man

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[parodeity]

You missed things.

[splinten]

I did.

[parodeity]

Which way d'you think I meant that sentence?

[splinten]

That I didn't notice things then, and I'm not noticin' them now.

[parodeity]

No. I mean you missed things. What you gave up.

[splinten]

You mean sleeping in the same room and sharin' space and being able to comfort you or take comfort from you any time things went wrong.

I still miss them.

[parodeity]

Again: no.

[ he moves his hands off the ledge and they go to his lap, palm-up. there's the scar on the right palm, and he traces it with his left index finger. ]

I mean you missed things. I mean when I wanted to talk about college options I eventually texted you, but you weren't around so before I ever did that I talked to Rose and Roxy because they were. I mean there were a million times I had nightmares and I didn't call, because you weren't there. I mean that the day I woke up and I'd lost a bunch of weight, I went to Roxy's room and knocked on the door and talked to her for a little, even if I didn't tell her a damned thing that mattered. I mean there's a million thoughts or opinions or conversations I didn't have with you because you weren't around, and so I had them with other people, or I didn't have them at all. I mean there were a thousand mundane things I would've gone to you with first, but I went somewhere else instead because it wasn't like I could just walk into our room or whatever and tell you whatever it was. I mean you're never gonna be the first to know most of the bullshit that happens to me nowadays because you're not the first line of defense, and other people will notice or see or be around for it first.

[ so, to sum up: ]

You missed things. So I find it kinda hard to buy you want all of me or whatever. And when I said it was normal to not have people entirely, this is the kinda thing I meant. You can't be around for someone all the time. It's an impossibility, and everyone is always giving up pieces of other people.

[splinten]

[Dirk goes very still and quiet and he listens and he hears it all and he looks down at the street underneath them and he doesn't say anything.]

Yeah. It made me jealous, and upset with myself for being jealous. And I tried to get back in by shopping with you for clothin' or whatever else, but it didn't matter. I'd already destroyed what I was tryin' to have.

[parodeity]

You get used to it. Missin' shit, or mindin' it. It ain't impossible to do. But that's why I think you're kind of kiddin' yourself when you say you want everything. Things like that.

[splinten]

If I didn't want it, I wouldn't get jealous that you went shoppin' with Roxy instead of me. I wouldn't get upset when you chose Kashuu to Strife with, or that you chose to stay with Yuri instead of me, or when I learned you were having nightmares and wouldn't come to me. If I didn't really want it, I wouldn't hate myself for being so selfish as to still want it now.

I always fuck up everything for myself, Bro. That doesn't make the feeling any less real.

[parodeity]

You get used to it, though. There's a door, and someone on the other side, and sometimes they come out and you talk and things are fine, but you're never gonna get that stuff back, you know? You're mostly never gonna be whoever the fuck gets to see any bullshit that happens to me firsthand, I'm never gonna be that for you [ gestures at dirk's everything, meaning the physique change ] and nor should I be really, and that's just kinda how things are. This is barely even related to whatever we came up here to argue about, it's just...true. We're past the point in our lives where we shared a room and were one another's first picks for everythin'.

We grew up, Dirk.

[splinten]

[Saying 'I don't want to grow up' sounds so childish and petty. He feels childish and petty and pathetic and small.

He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't look up from the ground below, and he thinks of water.]

I'm sorry.

[parodeity]

Me too. But you don't really got anythin' to be sorry for. Like...you haven't done anything wrong. This is all normal. The only not normal shit is all the past life nonsense and, like, me bein' weird about ordinary everyday growin' up stuff.

[splinten]

[His grip has gone tight around his shades. He doesn't look up still.]

A romantic partner ain't replacement for family. It isn't the same.

[parodeity]

I didn't say it was. [ just that it's normal not to be first place for someone forever. ] All I'm sayin' is that "everything" isn't a possibility when neither of us can give the other that, and when we've both given up things we used to have of one another and in certain cases have made it impossible to get those things back.

[ and also: ]

And that isn't bad, it's just somethin' we both have to accept and get used to and not...care about. I sulked about it like, for the space of one thing and then accepted it as the new normal. I figured you already had as well.

[splinten]

You underestimate my sulkin' skills, Bro.

[parodeity]

Sulk all you want, then.

[ that mostly sounds tired. ]

I'm not wrong.

[splinten]

I know you aren't. We've talked about this before, sideways. How I figured you'd go along the developmental path better and faster than I would.

[parodeity]

[ that just makes dave laugh, sorry. ]

God. Can we just...what do you even want to talk about, bro? Like...can we just drop this shit, permanently? Because we ain't gonna agree on it, fullstop, and I won't explain myself to you, fullstop. Because of shit like this. Because there's nothin' you can do, and there's nothin' I can do, and so it's really fuckin' pointless to talk about because all it does is make you look like you do now, and I just wanna jump off the fuckin' roof for sayin' a damn thing.

It's so much fuckin' better to go along like we have been and not lay it out and stare at it and go "yeah cool better die then".

[splinten]

Sorry. We can drop it if that's you want.

[So that's what that is and it can be done. Because Dave isn't the only one who wanted to just jump.]

I didn't come up here to talk about this. I wanted to sort shit out so we could actually spend time together again without putting needles under your fingernails.

[parodeity]

What do you want to sort out.

[splinten]

I don't know. What you need, like I said. The most you can afford to take.

As I said, I understand why you have difficulty trusting me. I'd like to work on rebuilding some of that, or building new kinds of trust, but I also understand that we're building on unstable grounds because of the constantly shifting variables. So I don't blame you if you aren't willing.

I guess what I wanted to say was that I'll stay here. You can be near me as much as you want and trust me as much as you choose and I'll continue to keep your confidence and go to you as soon as you want. You can determine the proximity and pace based on what you can handle.

[parodeity]

[ dave considers that, then just shakes his head. ]

Just...do whatever you want, Dirk. I'll adapt to whatever you do.

[splinten]

That sounds pretty one-sided, Dave.

[parodeity]

Between what you just said and what I just said, it's what I'd prefer to do.