parodeity | recollé ic inbox 2.0;

If I didn't want it, I wouldn't get jealous that you went shoppin' with Roxy instead of me. I wouldn't get upset when you chose Kashuu to Strife with, or that you chose to stay with Yuri instead of me, or when I learned you were having nightmares and wouldn't come to me. If I didn't really want it, I wouldn't hate myself for being so selfish as to still want it now.

I always fuck up everything for myself, Bro. That doesn't make the feeling any less real.

You get used to it, though. There's a door, and someone on the other side, and sometimes they come out and you talk and things are fine, but you're never gonna get that stuff back, you know? You're mostly never gonna be whoever the fuck gets to see any bullshit that happens to me firsthand, I'm never gonna be that for you [ gestures at dirk's everything, meaning the physique change ] and nor should I be really, and that's just kinda how things are. This is barely even related to whatever we came up here to argue about, it's just...true. We're past the point in our lives where we shared a room and were one another's first picks for everythin'.

We grew up, Dirk.

[Saying 'I don't want to grow up' sounds so childish and petty. He feels childish and petty and pathetic and small.

He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't look up from the ground below, and he thinks of water.]

I'm sorry.

Me too. But you don't really got anythin' to be sorry for. Like...you haven't done anything wrong. This is all normal. The only not normal shit is all the past life nonsense and, like, me bein' weird about ordinary everyday growin' up stuff.

[His grip has gone tight around his shades. He doesn't look up still.]

A romantic partner ain't replacement for family. It isn't the same.

I didn't say it was. [ just that it's normal not to be first place for someone forever. ] All I'm sayin' is that "everything" isn't a possibility when neither of us can give the other that, and when we've both given up things we used to have of one another and in certain cases have made it impossible to get those things back.

[ and also: ]

And that isn't bad, it's just somethin' we both have to accept and get used to and not...care about. I sulked about it like, for the space of one thing and then accepted it as the new normal. I figured you already had as well.

You underestimate my sulkin' skills, Bro.

Sulk all you want, then.

[ that mostly sounds tired. ]

I'm not wrong.

I know you aren't. We've talked about this before, sideways. How I figured you'd go along the developmental path better and faster than I would.

[ that just makes dave laugh, sorry. ]

God. Can we just...what do you even want to talk about, bro? Like...can we just drop this shit, permanently? Because we ain't gonna agree on it, fullstop, and I won't explain myself to you, fullstop. Because of shit like this. Because there's nothin' you can do, and there's nothin' I can do, and so it's really fuckin' pointless to talk about because all it does is make you look like you do now, and I just wanna jump off the fuckin' roof for sayin' a damn thing.

It's so much fuckin' better to go along like we have been and not lay it out and stare at it and go "yeah cool better die then".

Sorry. We can drop it if that's you want.

[So that's what that is and it can be done. Because Dave isn't the only one who wanted to just jump.]

I didn't come up here to talk about this. I wanted to sort shit out so we could actually spend time together again without putting needles under your fingernails.

What do you want to sort out.

I don't know. What you need, like I said. The most you can afford to take.

As I said, I understand why you have difficulty trusting me. I'd like to work on rebuilding some of that, or building new kinds of trust, but I also understand that we're building on unstable grounds because of the constantly shifting variables. So I don't blame you if you aren't willing.

I guess what I wanted to say was that I'll stay here. You can be near me as much as you want and trust me as much as you choose and I'll continue to keep your confidence and go to you as soon as you want. You can determine the proximity and pace based on what you can handle.

[ dave considers that, then just shakes his head. ]

Just...do whatever you want, Dirk. I'll adapt to whatever you do.

That sounds pretty one-sided, Dave.

Between what you just said and what I just said, it's what I'd prefer to do.

[He can't say anything to that. What Dave wants to do is all Dirk can do. It's one-sided in more than one way. He doesn't know how to explain it all, to say that it isn't that Dave is wrong about things changing, it isn't that he doesn't think Dave has a right to set boundaries and refuse to go past them. It hurts and it matters but it isn't the thing.

It's that Dirk is trapped. Not that Dave won't believe him, but that Dave refuses to accept that it's possible Dirk might be sincere, refuses to allow for even the possibility that how Dirk feels is true for all its contradictions and mistakes. It's that he doesn't seem to even be trying to listen.

But it's selfish to ask that of Dave. It's unfair. It's a burden. It's manipulation, isn't it? And he can't find a way to it that doesn't make Dave hurt.]

Dave, I... If that's a boundary you want to set, I'll respect it.

I don't want to set boundaries. I just...I want you to be happy and not worry about me, because I know that out of everythin' in the past few months, I'm the thing that's made you the most unhappy. So...please. Just write me out and we can dial it down to somethin' where I'm not constantly makin' you look like you do right now.

[ whatever that might be. something where they never talk about things like this, maybe, at least not until some hazy far off day where dave isn't jumping backwards at the first sign of an outstretched hand. ]

[He doesn't know what to say. He tries to find a way to put it right. Honest, without being bruising.]

Sorry. It isn't... I don't know how to put it. It isn't the conversations in themselves.

[He doesn't know what to do, he turns it over in his head, trying to put it right.]

I don't know if I can say it without forcin' your hand, and that's the one thing I am tryin' so damn hard not to do.

You say that like it isn't always one or the other of us doin' that.

[There's a breath of laughter, quiet, unhappy.]

It's the givin' up. It's when you give up on us, and me. I understand when you can't believe me and you can't trust me, that doesn't hurt like this. It's just—being stupid and flawed and makin' mistakes doesn't make me any less sincere. I don't know if that makes any sense, it isn't about belief and trust, it's about... feelin' like I'm not allowed to feel the things I do because I'm not good enough to pull them off right.

...You can feel what you feel, Dirk. But yeah, I guess I have. It ain't about your sincerity, even if I...don't have an easy time believin' in it.

You've given up. [Clarifying that.] What does that mean.

I spent the week thinkin' it'd be better if we did. For you. And I...gave up on the notion that wasn't true, and that it'd ever be...what it was.

It wouldn't be better for me. I don't know if it is for you. If it is, I can accept it. But for me it'd be—not better.

[He'd never recover. He won't say it out loud because Dave won't believe it. He'll become functioning with a chunk of his heart dead.

It sounds too extreme for Dave to buy, maybe, but Dirk has always loved in extremes. In this world and in the last.]

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