Even when they already know? [He pauses, turning the thought over.] I'm scared of talking to them. About everything, the things I did, the shit that happened. We can assume it all turned out decently. But honestly, I'm scared. I don't know what to do if they start to know and want to talk about it.
I don't think I can run away from having those conversations. But I don't want to have them. I don't... want that life over this one, with them.
[Everything is already a disaster. It will all be worse.
Dirk wants to reach for Dave's hand. He hesitates, though, because it might be torture to Dave.]
That wasn't the question I asked. Do you want to have time, every week, just for us to be together?
I know how risky it is to talk about things. I do it with you, that's it, because it always brings up more shit. I remember when she told me to look up, why she wanted me to. I know the second any of them remember the shit I used to joke about, its game over. I couldn't hold it together in a non awkward fashion for the one time I talked to m - Roxy, and if she remembers that or thinks about it real close she'll - see the discrepancies. I kept bringin' you up and then backtracking at top speed and I was just really fuckin' morbid and the amount of times I made stupid deadpan jokes to the trolls and relied on them not havin' the human frame of reference is -
[ part of his reluctance is not wanting people to remember the bad things.
a larger portion of it is not wanting them to know. ]
You're goin' to be the only person I told without it bein' done for me, and even if that was done when I was out of my head freaked at least it was me doin' it. At least it wasn't me doin' it to preempt someone figuring it out. Because that's the fuckin' option I have , ain't it, if I can't - this is stupid. Forget all that.
[ he changes his mind and decides answering the question is easier than explaining himself. ]
I've always wanted your time. It's not a thing that goes away if it gets harder.
I already told you I won't hold you to shit. That...it was unreasonable to expect someone to be that much on my side and it didn't even help me trust you more because I always knew I wouldn't be able to hold you to that forever. It's pointless to try to avoid the part where I - I'll deal with it whenever it happens. I'll avoid it until I can't and then I'll deal with it. Don't worry about it.
Of course I'm worried about it, Dave. It's fuckin' you up just to imagine people working it out. From your position, it's an hour glass running out of sand, and your best chance of escapin' game over is if someone knocks the hourglass off the desk completely.
[Quieter, but no less clearly,]
I am on your side. I know I can't be who you need, and I'm sorry. But this is a thing I want to protect you from. You don't deserve to have that... ripped out of you like this. It isn't right.
It's not right to not let you talk about shit with people either, just because of - that. You do deserve better than me, bro. You deserve...everyone else. So it's up to you. Just...warn me if you do, I guess.
[ so he can consider death as an alternative or something
or something less drastic but that option sounds better than ever addressing the bro thing with anyone else ]
[He frowns.] Maybe it ain't fully right, but I also don't deserve 'better' than you. You're what I want. No matter how badly we're doing, you're important to me.
[The frown deepens. He doesn't know what to do.]
I won't talk to the trolls about anything. We don't interact much, and I don't think we did in the memories, either. I don't have any prior obligations to them, either. That one is easy.
Roxy, I'll tell her I can't talk about things. She'll maybe be annoyed, but I think she'll accept it if I tell her that I don't want to. If she gets that memory back, she'll likely go to you first, and if she goes to me I'll stick to the point that I can't talk about it and warn you. If it does reach that point... [He looks over at Dave.] I want to find a way to be a buffer between you, her, and the revelation. You can call me in to intervene.
[He pauses, because it leaves one person.]
You come before Jake. That isn't the issue, I protect you first. On top of that, he seems to prefer not to talk about it, and I don't want him to start. But if I tell you the effects of refusing to talk to Jake if he brings it up, I'm pretty sure I'll be forcin' your hand. No matter how willing I say I am, you'll think it's too unfair.
That's why I asked about whether or not you think he might be able to remember. I think you'll hate yourself if if I refuse to talk to him even about memories he has, and I think you'll never trust me to stick to that. I'd guess that you'd also expect me to resent you for it. Even though it's something I think I can do, I'm concerned that it's something that you can't accept me doing.
It'd have negative effects on you. Tellin' Roxy no wouldn't, but tellin' Jake no would. So that settles it, doesn't it? I can't ask you to do somethin' for me that'd hurt you. The alternative is always preferable, no matter how willin' you are. You're right.
[ he doesn't even specify what alternative he means, staring down at the ground and frowning. ]
I'm sorry for ever bringin' you into this. I never should have called you any of those times. I know you wanted me to, I know you think you'd know what was up if I hadn't, but I'm sorry I did. It caused all of this. I won't make the same mistake again. Not for the millionth time.
It's okay, Dirk. I made a decision. I know what I'm gonna do.
[ want or need don't come into it. dave straightens out of his habitual slouch. his expression smooths out into bro's calm nothing and he speaks quietly but firmly. ]
As long as you want Saturdays and strife sessions we'll do those. If you call it quits, if you think it's too forced or fake or just stop wantin' to, we'll stop, no questions asked. Whatever time I've promised you already is yours to keep.
Consider yourself completely free of every promise you've ever made to me minus the decapitation thing. I'd still appreciate a heads up, but...you don't have to do that either, I guess. [ he sorts dirk mentally out of the category he'd been in and dumps him in the other, the one with everyone else in the world, and out of the halfway sort of trust he'd struggled to maintain. ] If you want or need to talk about or share your memories with people, feel free. I'd appreciate you not sharin' mine, but I won't enforce that, either, if that's a thing you end up needin' to do.
[ he doesn't fidget with his hands. there's no excess movement at all. ]
I'm not gonna do this again, though. Talkin' about things with you, from this world or the last one. When I need help, I won't call for you. I'll handle it alone. I'll do what you offered and I won't tell you what I remember, and whatever comes up, I'll handle it.
I shouldn't have told you. I should have lied and said it wouldn't hurt.
[It's a quiet dead whisper. He should have lied. He should have said it would be fine, nothin would hurt. He should have lied and told Dave everything would be okay and there wouldn't be any problems. He should have pulled Dave's own move on him and lied.]
That's not the only factor. [ dave's voice is still quiet and calm and completely and totally controlled. he doesn't breathe. ] I've considered it before. Now I decided.
I never wanted to tell anyone about your things. It'd fuck me up if I was the one who made someone figure out what you went through. I—it isn't something—That just isn't the kind of shit I could stand makin' happen.
I'm telling Jake that I can't talk to him about our memories. I'll tell him that I just can't handle it.
[He is legit typing up the message. Assuming Dave doesn't stop him from typing, this is the message he is composing and will send.
Jake, bro. I've been thinking about our memories. I've decided I don't want to talk about them. I want to face you in this life. I don't want the baggage from our last one. Can we agree to just focus on what's here and leave out the rest?]
I'm not gonna change my mind, Dirk, so you don't have to. Don't...do this to yourself. You can still go to everyone else. The only change is I'm not an option.
When it gets to be too much, I'll make the other one for you. So let me know when you can't handle it any longer.
[ dave sits a moment longer before standing, shoving his hands into his pockets and shrugging. there's no relaxation or half-smile or any of the usual signs of contentment that admittedly have been fairly rare. ]
Whichever you want. I said it was your choice, and it is.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I don't think I can run away from having those conversations. But I don't want to have them. I don't... want that life over this one, with them.
[Everything is already a disaster. It will all be worse.
Dirk wants to reach for Dave's hand. He hesitates, though, because it might be torture to Dave.]
That wasn't the question I asked. Do you want to have time, every week, just for us to be together?
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[ part of his reluctance is not wanting people to remember the bad things.
a larger portion of it is not wanting them to know. ]
You're goin' to be the only person I told without it bein' done for me, and even if that was done when I was out of my head freaked at least it was me doin' it. At least it wasn't me doin' it to preempt someone figuring it out. Because that's the fuckin' option I have , ain't it, if I can't - this is stupid. Forget all that.
[ he changes his mind and decides answering the question is easier than explaining himself. ]
I've always wanted your time. It's not a thing that goes away if it gets harder.
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When it all finishes, he says,]
The trolls are a non-issue. I won't talk to them about any of it. I don't owe them shit. Do you think Jake is a risk, or just Roxy?
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I already told you I won't hold you to shit. That...it was unreasonable to expect someone to be that much on my side and it didn't even help me trust you more because I always knew I wouldn't be able to hold you to that forever. It's pointless to try to avoid the part where I - I'll deal with it whenever it happens. I'll avoid it until I can't and then I'll deal with it. Don't worry about it.
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[Quieter, but no less clearly,]
I am on your side. I know I can't be who you need, and I'm sorry. But this is a thing I want to protect you from. You don't deserve to have that... ripped out of you like this. It isn't right.
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[ so he can consider death as an alternative or something
or something less drastic but that option sounds better than ever addressing the bro thing with anyone else ]
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[The frown deepens. He doesn't know what to do.]
I won't talk to the trolls about anything. We don't interact much, and I don't think we did in the memories, either. I don't have any prior obligations to them, either. That one is easy.
Roxy, I'll tell her I can't talk about things. She'll maybe be annoyed, but I think she'll accept it if I tell her that I don't want to. If she gets that memory back, she'll likely go to you first, and if she goes to me I'll stick to the point that I can't talk about it and warn you. If it does reach that point... [He looks over at Dave.] I want to find a way to be a buffer between you, her, and the revelation. You can call me in to intervene.
[He pauses, because it leaves one person.]
You come before Jake. That isn't the issue, I protect you first. On top of that, he seems to prefer not to talk about it, and I don't want him to start. But if I tell you the effects of refusing to talk to Jake if he brings it up, I'm pretty sure I'll be forcin' your hand. No matter how willing I say I am, you'll think it's too unfair.
That's why I asked about whether or not you think he might be able to remember. I think you'll hate yourself if if I refuse to talk to him even about memories he has, and I think you'll never trust me to stick to that. I'd guess that you'd also expect me to resent you for it. Even though it's something I think I can do, I'm concerned that it's something that you can't accept me doing.
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[ he doesn't even specify what alternative he means, staring down at the ground and frowning. ]
I'm sorry for ever bringin' you into this. I never should have called you any of those times. I know you wanted me to, I know you think you'd know what was up if I hadn't, but I'm sorry I did. It caused all of this. I won't make the same mistake again. Not for the millionth time.
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[But Dirk is being honest, and this is what they got stuck with]
What's the alternative? Makin' you take the hit isn't... It isn't preferable to me.
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[ want or need don't come into it. dave straightens out of his habitual slouch. his expression smooths out into bro's calm nothing and he speaks quietly but firmly. ]
As long as you want Saturdays and strife sessions we'll do those. If you call it quits, if you think it's too forced or fake or just stop wantin' to, we'll stop, no questions asked. Whatever time I've promised you already is yours to keep.
Consider yourself completely free of every promise you've ever made to me minus the decapitation thing. I'd still appreciate a heads up, but...you don't have to do that either, I guess. [ he sorts dirk mentally out of the category he'd been in and dumps him in the other, the one with everyone else in the world, and out of the halfway sort of trust he'd struggled to maintain. ] If you want or need to talk about or share your memories with people, feel free. I'd appreciate you not sharin' mine, but I won't enforce that, either, if that's a thing you end up needin' to do.
[ he doesn't fidget with his hands. there's no excess movement at all. ]
I'm not gonna do this again, though. Talkin' about things with you, from this world or the last one. When I need help, I won't call for you. I'll handle it alone. I'll do what you offered and I won't tell you what I remember, and whatever comes up, I'll handle it.
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[It's a quiet dead whisper. He should have lied. He should have said it would be fine, nothin would hurt. He should have lied and told Dave everything would be okay and there wouldn't be any problems. He should have pulled Dave's own move on him and lied.]
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I'll forgive you when it happens. Did you still want to spend today together?
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[He grabs his phone from his pocket and flips it on. He's going for Jake's number. He's going to stop this now.]
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[He is legit typing up the message. Assuming Dave doesn't stop him from typing, this is the message he is composing and will send.
Jake, bro. I've been thinking about our memories. I've decided I don't want to talk about them.
I want to face you in this life. I don't want the baggage from our last one. Can we agree to just focus on what's here and leave out the rest?]
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Even if I've lost you, at least I'll have protected you. No matter what, I intend on doing everything I can to keep you safe.
[He hits send.]
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When you need to backtrack on this, I won't be mad. Just...keep that in mind, I guess.
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Then I guess let me know when it gets to be too much.
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[He stands up from the roof's edge.]
Sand castle or horse mural?
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[ dave sits a moment longer before standing, shoving his hands into his pockets and shrugging. there's no relaxation or half-smile or any of the usual signs of contentment that admittedly have been fairly rare. ]
Whichever you want. I said it was your choice, and it is.
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How are you going to make the other choice for me?
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