You wanted to talk to other people. I'm letting you.
[ and maybe it's true whatever trust he'd managed to hang onto burned to ashes over the course of this conversation, and that it'd been weak flames to start with, but whatever. ]
You bein' happy won't hurt. I'd be thrilled if you were. And maybe you can handle the halfway between bullshit but maybe I can't, okay? Not without feelin' completely fuckin' wrecked all the time. Did you want honesty? I know I'm right but more than that maybe I'm the one who can't handle this. Maybe I'm the one who has to learn to heal the wounds so it just stops, and maybe I'm the one who doesn't want to sit through another round of back and forth again whenever I manage to find the slightest bit of equilibrium.
I didn't want to talk to people for my sake. I have you. Had you.
I just didn't want to abandon Rox and Jake whenever the day comes that they want to talk to me about being killed or makin' out with my decapitated head.
You don't have to abandon them. You can talk to them about anythin' and support them and...whatever. You have my blessings and you don't have to worry about me ever again, in this or anythin' else. So it'll be ok.
[ it'll be fine. it's a manta he remembers from before, and he repeats the words often enough they're nearly meaningless. ]
You were right. I was right, all along, when I said it wouldn't work, and it was a stop gap measure. It'd fuck things up and we won't do it any longer, and I know how to go through life without needin' to hand out pieces of my soul to anyone, so - it'll be ok. Please just focus on the people who'll still accept needin' you.
It will be. I always knew it would be, I was just a little too selfish for a little too long. I won't do that anymore.
[ he doesn't relax, but he steadies somehow, emotion draining into calm. ]
I'm...sorry about everythin'. And I genuinely hope you end up happy, though I know you will do. I do know I'm the only reason you haven't been, and I'm sorry for that, too. I should have stopped this a long time ago. I shouldn't have asked you for help, and I shouldn't have reached out my hand. Thanks for...at least pretendin' to go along with shit, for as long as you did, and sorry for askin' it.
[ he lets go. ]
This is the last time I'll ever tell you the truth.
[ because that's true, too: he hasn't wanted to be honest in a fairly long time, and he's only forced himself to be. dave doesn't look up from his contemplation of his shoes. ]
Love and trust and love and honesty don't go hand in hand. But now you can have the truth with everyone else, which is a better than fair trade when you didn't even have it with me without conditions.
[He wants to ask, Why can't I have it with you? But he can't. He is taking unsteady breaths and trying to find peace and trying to be steady, trying not to let his breach hitch and stagger. Trying not to feel his world falling apart and the empty sea surround him.]
So I don't fucking get any truth at all ever again. Every smile and laugh, every word, it'll just be—
I don't know. Sometimes it might be real and sometimes it won't be. Does it matter? Sometimes they'll be lies I'll tell myself, too. But you won't know about the things I don't want to share.
[ he'll lay brick walls over the doors and windows. ]
It'll just be me buildin' the walls up enough so I can function and this time no one else is gonna be inside. You should text him back and let him know you changed your mind, and m - Roxy, too. They'll help you find balance.
[The water. He has to go to the water. His body is right for it now, for deep diving, getting lost in the waves. Dave has sent him back to the ocean, and there is nowhere else he can go.]
[ he pauses, and looks up, and cuts himself off. it's not his business any longer. it doesn't matter when dirk starts talking to any of them about memories, or when he leaves the promises behind, because dave has said the promises don't matter. and he can't insist that dirk go straight to one of the others to get help, because that's where he fucked up after remembering killing dirk. he stuck around and wouldn't leave until he saw him somewhere, and it was weak and probably hurt dirk more in the long run.
letting go means letting go.
dave breathes out, slow. he course-corrects: ]
...bye, Bro. [ today, tomorrow, forever. one of the three. ] I'll see you around sometime, maybe.
We won't like this. [ he gestures between them, and hesitates, but dave does know it's for the best. it has to be, doesn't it? ] I love you. Enough to let go. So. Goodbye, Bro.
[ and dave can leave. it's just a matter of walking back out to the street and slipping into the bustle of people coming and going. ]
[It isn't for the best. He knows that in his gut. He knows he might learn to move again. He knows he'll learn to fake moving. He knows from his memories that this deep, drowning loneliness is something he can learn how to function with. But it isn't for the best. It is a piece of his heart ripped from his chest. No matter how well he learns to live without it, he won't ever heal.
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[ and maybe it's true whatever trust he'd managed to hang onto burned to ashes over the course of this conversation, and that it'd been weak flames to start with, but whatever. ]
You bein' happy won't hurt. I'd be thrilled if you were. And maybe you can handle the halfway between bullshit but maybe I can't, okay? Not without feelin' completely fuckin' wrecked all the time. Did you want honesty? I know I'm right but more than that maybe I'm the one who can't handle this. Maybe I'm the one who has to learn to heal the wounds so it just stops, and maybe I'm the one who doesn't want to sit through another round of back and forth again whenever I manage to find the slightest bit of equilibrium.
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I'm sorry.
[He closes his eyes.]
I didn't want to talk to people for my sake. I have you. Had you.
I just didn't want to abandon Rox and Jake whenever the day comes that they want to talk to me about being killed or makin' out with my decapitated head.
That was all it was.
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[ it'll be fine. it's a manta he remembers from before, and he repeats the words often enough they're nearly meaningless. ]
You were right. I was right, all along, when I said it wouldn't work, and it was a stop gap measure. It'd fuck things up and we won't do it any longer, and I know how to go through life without needin' to hand out pieces of my soul to anyone, so - it'll be ok. Please just focus on the people who'll still accept needin' you.
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[He'll lie. He'll give Dave peace.]
I'm sorry.
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[ he doesn't relax, but he steadies somehow, emotion draining into calm. ]
I'm...sorry about everythin'. And I genuinely hope you end up happy, though I know you will do. I do know I'm the only reason you haven't been, and I'm sorry for that, too. I should have stopped this a long time ago. I shouldn't have asked you for help, and I shouldn't have reached out my hand. Thanks for...at least pretendin' to go along with shit, for as long as you did, and sorry for askin' it.
[ he lets go. ]
This is the last time I'll ever tell you the truth.
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[Dirk slumps back into the wall. He has his face in his hands. He is trying and failing to not cry.]
Don't go, I don't want to lose the truth from you—
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[ because that's true, too: he hasn't wanted to be honest in a fairly long time, and he's only forced himself to be. dave doesn't look up from his contemplation of his shoes. ]
Love and trust and love and honesty don't go hand in hand. But now you can have the truth with everyone else, which is a better than fair trade when you didn't even have it with me without conditions.
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So I don't fucking get any truth at all ever again. Every smile and laugh, every word, it'll just be—
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[ he'll lay brick walls over the doors and windows. ]
It'll just be me buildin' the walls up enough so I can function and this time no one else is gonna be inside. You should text him back and let him know you changed your mind, and m - Roxy, too. They'll help you find balance.
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I'm gonna just—go somewhere alone. It's fine.
[The water. He has to go to the water. His body is right for it now, for deep diving, getting lost in the waves. Dave has sent him back to the ocean, and there is nowhere else he can go.]
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[ he pauses, and looks up, and cuts himself off. it's not his business any longer. it doesn't matter when dirk starts talking to any of them about memories, or when he leaves the promises behind, because dave has said the promises don't matter. and he can't insist that dirk go straight to one of the others to get help, because that's where he fucked up after remembering killing dirk. he stuck around and wouldn't leave until he saw him somewhere, and it was weak and probably hurt dirk more in the long run.
letting go means letting go.
dave breathes out, slow. he course-corrects: ]
...bye, Bro. [ today, tomorrow, forever. one of the three. ] I'll see you around sometime, maybe.
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Don't make it like we might never see each other again. That's fuckin' cruel.
[He won't stop Dave from leaving. He can't, anymore.]
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[ and dave can leave. it's just a matter of walking back out to the street and slipping into the bustle of people coming and going. ]
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[It isn't for the best. He knows that in his gut. He knows he might learn to move again. He knows he'll learn to fake moving. He knows from his memories that this deep, drowning loneliness is something he can learn how to function with. But it isn't for the best. It is a piece of his heart ripped from his chest. No matter how well he learns to live without it, he won't ever heal.
When Dave leaves, Dirk goes to dive in the sea.]