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[parodeity]

DAVE STRIDER

consider this your warning about stairs. itll just keep happening bro. im telling you man

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[parodeity]

I only really prioritize the exist and stay safe parts.

[ a frown. ]

I fucked it up, though. If I'd remembered more sooner, I never would have said a word to you, and it'd all still be fine. Fine-ish.

[splinten]

I'd have noticed the distance, and nothin' would've been fine. I'd just have thought it was all completely my fault.

[parodeity]

It's the other way around. And you might not have. You don't notice things sometimes.

[splinten]

It isn't the other way around. [Has to disagree!] I don't, but I am pretty sure I'd pick up that eventually. You don't cover things up totally sometimes.

[parodeity]

What do you think you're doin' that hurts me, then.

[splinten]

Not knowin' the cause doesn't make me totally blind to the effect. As it is, I'm pretty sure that I've pulled back too far sometimes and pushed too hard other times.

Frankly, I'm worried this entire conversation is hurting you. But I'm also concerned that if we don't deal with it, we'll basically be leaving our relationship with a broken bone that we've failed to set. It would ruin any chances we might have of... [He doesn't know how to put it.] Of finding trust and safety in one another.

[parodeity]

Give me a month and I'll be able to cover the effects as well as the cause.

[ dave shrugs: ] I'm [ fine ] not hurtin' that much more than is usual for me nowadays. I'm...I am sorry you can't think of me like that now.

[splinten]

It probably isn't how you're thinking it. [He tugs off his glasses, finally, and just holds them folded up in his hands.] I hate that these are Dante's eyes.

[Anyway. He tries to explain, thumbing along the edge of the shades.]

I trust you and feel safe around you like I used to, except that I used to believe I would never lose you. I used to believe nothin' could ever take you away from me. Now, that's the one thing I can't trust. I'm scared that there's a door I can't get through, that I'm losing you chunks at a time and I'll never get you back. That as I try to keep you, I'm destroying you.

[That's the only thing.]

It's probably fair that I can't feel safe in it given that you don't either. I said I wanted to be by your side for all of this.

[parodeity]

I felt it a little less drastically.

[splinten]

That's past tense. Does it apply to the present?

[parodeity]

I'm used to the feelin' now. I think maybe losin' people is kind of part of life? And you get to keep them, but just...less, sometimes. Or maybe that's what I've taught myself to believe. I don't know.

[splinten]

Is gainin' people or gettin' to keep them more anywhere in your lexicon of possible beliefs.

[He gives a bit of a wry shrug.]

We can't go back, yeah, but I haven't given up on our future.

[parodeity]

Yeah. Just not...the same. You want to be closer than I think we can be. If you're that close, and this worried, you might actually pay attention. And I still don't...you know.

[ a shrug. ]

I probably can't stop the things that hurt you day to day. You can't stop the things that hurt me. It's just...how it has been for a while now? So we just need to redefine how close we are to...less than what it was. Still close, just not...that.

[splinten]

[He lifts a hand to signal a pause, that he's listening but he wants clarification.]

You still don't feel comfortable with anyone seein' what's going on completely?

[parodeity]

[ dirk gets blank surprise since dave has no idea what that has to do with it, but confirms: ]

I pretty much never will, probably.

[splinten]

[The blank surprise means he clarifies:] You said that you still don't, and then trailed off.

[parodeity]

I still expect you to hurt me.

[splinten]

[Ah.]

I've been doing it pretty consistently. It's a reasonable expectation, as much as I hate it.

[parodeity]

What? Oh, no, not that. I'm used to that. [ ergo, it matters not. ] I mean, I expect you to change your mind about shit. Or stupid things, that I mostly know you won't do - the other day I wasn't sure you would not touch me after I said don't.

[splinten]

Being used to a thing and it being okay is not the same thing.

[FIRST OF ALL. But the rest. He frowns.]

Do you feel bad about feelin' that way?

[parodeity]

Yes. [ duh. ]

[splinten]

[Dave is being really honest and Dirk is kinda wondering if he's going for the bingo card today.]

Are you willin' to tell me why? It isn't like it's your fault.

[parodeity]

[ dirk has not asked so it's a mystery. ]

Because I shouldn't and you don't want me to?

[splinten]

Obviously I'm not in love with the idea that my brother can't trust I'll respect a request as basic as not touching him when he wants space, but that isn't on you. The alternate universe version of me put you in that situation, and you learned to think like that in order to survive.

[parodeity]

I'm pretty sure it's on me. I know...

[ ... ]

I should know you won't do that, at least.