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[parodeity]

DAVE STRIDER

consider this your warning about stairs. itll just keep happening bro. im telling you man

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July 8 DOING EARLY BC SPELLBIND TOMORROW

[splinten]

[Dirk shows up promptly on time for their usual meet-up. He knocks at the door and has his hands in his pockets. It has been early a week, and Dirk still doesn't know how to go forward.]

[parodeity]

[ there's a few minutes pause before the door opens. dave looks more or less the same as he did on monday. neutral and closed off and - less tired than usual maybe, but it has nothing to do with dirk and everything to do with not even needing to sleep. it's mid summer and hot and he's still insisting on jeans and a long-sleeves shirt, dressed more for fall than anything else.

he doesn't open the door wide enough for dirk to come in or see inside, but instead slips out and twists his key in the lock before letting the keys drop back into his sylladex. his hands go into his pockets and he simply asks: ]

Where to?

[splinten]

[Dirk sees him and takes him in and his voice is quiet.]

Might as well hit a rooftop first.

[parodeity]

No food? Not a complaint since it'd be a waste of eatin'.

[ he jerks his chin out at the street. ]

You can pick wherever. The activity, too.

[splinten]

We can... talk about that after.

[There's a pause.]

If you are willin' to talk.

[parodeity]

I don't know. But I will.

[ not the usual activity. ]

Dealer's choice. [ on which rooftop and everything else. ] How's the granny shit goin'.

[splinten]

It's comin' along decently. I wanted to ask if you'd do a few with me today, but the idea of doing that without talkin' a bit felt forced and fake.

[He glances around, and then picks a high up rooftop. He points, steps into an alley, and flies on up to sit with Dave. He'll let Dave choose how and where they sit.]

[parodeity]

[ dave sits on the edge of the roof, legs hanging off the side. he doesn't offer up any information on his own progress, but just waits to see what dirk will say. ]

[splinten]

[Dirk sits beside him, then, in the same posture. Dave can see the difference in physique: muscles moved around to better suit the activities he did in that life, some weight loss or shifted.

He's quiet.]

I don't know.

[Just simply that. He doesn't know.]

I'm sorry.

[parodeity]

I'm sorry, too.

[ his fingers drum on the edge of the roof, his hands to either side of him. ]

We can stop the deal.

[splinten]

[There's a brief, quiet shake of his head.]

I don't know where to push and where to stop. When you say don't, sure, I know, I stop in my fuckin' tracks then. But I can't figure out when holding on is good, and when it is exactly the thing that will break you into pieces.

[He glances over at Dave, and asks, very honestly,]

Have you given up? I mean on... us. On havin' a relationship that means more than genetics. Have you given up on havin' anythin' real between us. Or do you want to still keep tryin'?

[He couldn't blame Dave if he did want to give up. But Dave said he might agree if Dirk decided it was so, so he can't. He has to keep trying himself.]

[parodeity]

[ it's been nearly a week and every single day dave has told lies and tall tales. some to avoid the truth and some out of habit and some just for the hell of it. it's as easy as breathing used to be. he was never the most honest kid around but he has gotten so much worse.

sometimes he's not even sure what the truth is. ]

Yes and no. I keep offerin' to not because you'd at least be able to talk to other people and ignore my bullshit and also - I'd rather break it myself than let you do it, or let you ask to do it. I think I gave up on the kind of relationship we used to have a while ago. But I've always wanted...whatever I could get, I guess. Even if I didn't think it likely. It'd never be just genetics, it just wouldn't be...

[ he tries, but the words are never easy to find these days. ]

[splinten]

[Look Dave, maybe you'll get the honesty card today!!!

Probably not.

Dirk listens, sorting it out. He tries to understand it. He wants to, like he wants to respect it.]

Yeah, I... Like I said, super eloquently: I don't know. I know I want everythin' I can get out with you, too. You'd think that'd set us up for perfect harmony on all fronts.

[And yet, it doesn't.]

It's hard for you to trust me now. Right? Is that him, or was that a thing the moment I said I was going to move to dorms for college? C: Both A and B.

[parodeity]

[ it depends on how well he can stick to the exact truth. ]

It was a different sort of trust issue before this and it wasn't somethin' I couldn't just straight up ignore. You wanted to go and that's always mattered more than whatever the fuck I thought about it. [ be honest. how? the words are measured and slow, like he's walking on a road he's never been down before in pure darkness. ] it was about how much I lost and how stupid it was to care, and how I knew it was more important that you got what you wanted. Because you bein' happy mattered more than anything else did. It still does. It's just harder to give it to you.

I don't trust anyone the way you ask me to trust you. I don't trust anyone the way I used to. It's about me and maybe it's about him and it's definitely about every single one of you and the way it can't be understood and the way I don't want it to be.

[splinten]

It's always been more important to me that you be happy and get what you want. I just ain't as great at seeing what that is as I thought I was. At this point, I appear to be striking out fairly consistently. The coach can't believe such a shitty player has been allowed onto the court.

[So, they're here. And that's what it is.]

'It' being the things that happened.

[To clarify that.]

[parodeity]

It bein' my life and me and everythin' in between.

[ he opts not to comment on the rest. ]

I trust you with my life but I don't with much else. It's like with...Rose and Roxy.

[ he loves them, and he trusts them, but it only goes so far for any of his siblings these days. ]

[splinten]

Do you not want to? Trust me.

[parodeity]

I don't know if I can. I didn't trust them like that either. Rose and John and Jade. I loved them more than anyone but I didn't trust them like that. I trusted them in the ways I could. [ it is and is not answer. ]

[splinten]

[Dirk is quiet for a little while. He tugs on his shades, like he wants to take them off, but it feels like there's no point. He has the wrong eyes.]

That isn't exactly the answer to the question that I asked.

[He noticed as much. But he doesn't insist on it, continuing,]

Like you said about your side of it. I'll accept all I can get. If you can trust me only that far, you can't make yourself trust me more.

[parodeity]

I want to, but I can't. There's too many variables and you don't...deserve the bullshit that is me bein' honest. And I mean that about me in a bad way, not you. So, I'm sorry, but goodbye wasn't...entirely inaccurate. You shouldn't get bogged down in this.

[splinten]

The thing is, I don't care if I deserve it or not, or if it will bog me down. That's a choice I'm more than willin' to make.

The only thing in the world that will stop me is if you can't handle me makin' it. Doing damage to you worries me, and not the rest of it. If it will hurt you and that's what it is, then okay. But if it isn't, then I'd choose to take all of that on.

[He glances back up, over the city.]

I don't know if that's fair or unfair, but it's how I think about it.

[parodeity]

I don't trust you to always make that choice. [ he's constantly stressed out about who remembers what. ]

And I don't really care about damage to me, I'm fairly irreparable anyway. So it's - [ would "whatever" constitute a lie? "fine" would. ] what it is. I'd rather take most of the hits.

[splinten]

I don't... understand why you don't trust me to make that choice. Can you explain?

Bro, you're going to have to wrestle me for the right to take most of the hits. You know I'd rather be the one takin' damage.

[parodeity]

I don't have to wrestle you for it. I just have to continue to not let you know what hurts.

[ like basically. ]

I think eventually you're gonna remember enough and change enough you won't want to or won't be able to stick to the stupid deal. I think even if you tried it'd just fuck with you. I think you're better off without it, and without me. I've worried for years the latter was true but I know it is these days.

[splinten]

[He resists replying to the first part. He instead looks at the grey sky.]

Because in our past lives we didn't meet until later. So... do you think you won't come first anymore?