parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

this is the part where you give me the location of one with a fun anecdote for directions

Sorry, I'm not an expert in giving directions. Clearly I need to learn from your example. Or I could sent the GPS coordinates.

The tree that was on your left when you told me about Trousersnake feeling under the weather from eating slightly old food.

but that would be boring
also your anecdote was more exact
be there in five seconds

I'll aim for a less improbable estimated time of arrival.

[like, a few minutes instead? he shows up in a few minutes. not in a nice suit, sorry dave, it's just standard bad clothing choices with dirk here. he is... not relaxed, exactly, there are still aliens everywhere and also this is still an important conversation. but he isn't acting like he's going to the gallows either.]

[ well dave is in jeans and a t shirt so it's a lazy day. ...however he does look tense and gallows going beneath a casual expression because it's dave and even when he says he wants to have conversations about feelings he is absolutely terrible about them.

he also never knows how to start. ]

Sup.

Misunderstandings, apparently. Should we climb the tree?

[like they could have the conversation underneath it instead but]

Yeah, ok.

[ although "climb" here means just floating up into it, so. ]

[Dirk actually climbs because honestly this kid climbed the skeleton of an apartment building at age 0 clearly this is just a thing he likes to do. He perches himself on a branch and just.]

I think, if we're going to discuss the issue of decisions made between us, and the decisions we make going forward, we should probably start with the basic question of whether or not we're both capable of exercising agency in this relationship. Specifically, how good or bad we are at saying 'no' to each other.

[ dave thinks very quietly in the safety of his own mind god damnit rose. the specific circumstances that lead her to share things he says have always been it's for your own good, dave, and the curse is mostly resigned and he's not sure how much she did or didn't say. probably just enough to meddle a conversation into happening? it's always hard to tell. ]

You've accused me of bein' a cat, that has to mean I'm exceptionally good at sayin' no. I think that is like 99% of what cats do, so -

[ he cuts off the joke and the tangent himself, leaning back against the base of the tree on the branch he picked, and makes a face. reorients to actually giving a serious response. ]

I would say we're very good at saying no in very specific circumstances but maybe not outside of those?

There are cats who are huge suckers out there. Roxy's endless supply has taught me that.

[Cats are weird. But he follows along to the more serious part.]

I can tell you it was basically inconceivable that I wouldn't build you a ferris wheel the second you asked me for one.

[things he can't say 'no' to: the dumbest possible shit.]

Fuck off, if I gotta be a cat I wanna be the non-sucker kind. What's even the point otherwise?

[ ah yes the ferris wheel #regret #bad choices.

dave reaches out to snag dirk's shades if he's not stopped, before removing his own. ]

Okay. My response to that would be I should mention dumb shit for you to build less, but that would be...a bad response?

[ he folds up both sets of shades one after the other and just holds them loosely in his hands, fiddling with the frames. ]

It's easier to say "no" to people for their sake. Is what I generally find? If they're like. The ones who matter.

[Dirk is surprised but he lets Dave take the shades, assuming it's the whole 'worrying about when Dirk decides to break them' thing (HE ONLY DID IT TWICE) and is more surprised when Dave removes his own. But okay. Dave can have their sunglasses.]

I would prefer if you didn't stop asking me for dumb things, since I genuinely enjoy building them for you. I've always enjoyed building things for the people I care about.

[Brobot was a mistake, but it was still a labour of love. Lil Seb to Jane. Every single thing he could make for his friends, he did, he wanted to. He likes doing that.]

That used to be true for me, but for a while now I've started to doubt my own judgement call on what's best for someone else's sake. To be more clear about it, if I'm absolutely certain that it's bad for someone, I can say 'no' readily. But I've also made a number of very bad mistakes in thinking I know best for others. It can be paralysing for me to try to work out what kind of call to make on your behalf, or Roxy's or Rose's or Jake's, just because I've tried to make those calls before and I've ended up really hurting people. I've hurt you makin' calls like that, even. [specifically] The Lil Cal situation.

[ counterpoint dirk only got himself decapitated twice AND PEOPLE STILL WORRY ABOUT THAT, TOO. ]

I don't know what Rose meddled with specifically. [ this seems unrelated, but. ] So I don't know what she told you about my position on...that.

[ saying no. ]

But I don't know if you would say "no" to protect yourself, if I asked you to do something for me that'd hurt you. Because I couldn't say for sure either way if I would, either.

She told me to go tell you I know how to say no.

[ there were other things of course but not all of them even relevant to this. Or relevant but not like this. ]

Admittedly, there is a lot I would do for you and I don't hold myself as my highest priority. I'd like to think I can set the most important boundaries, but then our definitions of that may differ. Maybe we should work out what sorts of things we need each other to say no to.

Probably. But that's -

[ controlling? he isn't sure how to put it. flounders for a second, before looking at his wrist. ]

Do you want to read it? The conversation with Rose.

[ dave distinctly remembers trying to explain how he felt about the cal thing to dirk, after having explained it to rose. it hadn't translated. she'd told him to copy/paste the entire thing and he hadn't and that's pretty high on his list of regrets. it's easy to be mostly calm while talking to rose, and then suddenly there are feelings and questions he can't field and he fucks it up. ]

If you're comfortable showing me. [ Dave's comfort always is a priority to Dirk because it so rarely is for Dave. But Dirk thinks seeing this would help. ]

We've like established I am an awkward maelstrom of uncomfortable notions before, right. But I think - it'll make me more uncomfortable if I fuck up saying it. So maybe it's worth just - takin' advice I never took back in the day.

[ dave pauses to hook both sets of shades to the collar of his t-shirt, rather than dumping them in his sylladex. dirk can grab back his if he wants ever easily, and dave tends to like having his out and ready. he kind of needs his hands to do communicator stuff.

he offered, but there's still a long pause before he sends over rose meddling through to "did you meddle".

after a second's thought, he attaches an earlier conversation as well, because he May As Well. he cuts it out when they start discussing cats, since no one needs to read a strilonde sibling tangent. ]

She told me to c/p the second one to you, like, ages ago. I did not. If you...want to read that. You can delete it if you don't since it's, like, a done deal that doesn't matter anymore.

[ but some of that mindset was probably relevant and he never quite manages to put it clearly but rose has never had trouble deciphering what he tells her, so maybe he just does it - better. when it happens to be rose and she's just asking leading questions he'd never think to ask himself. ]

Okay, hang on a second.

[Dirk reads through the first one, and it's a shame he's an open book to Dave. There are a few reactions in there—a frown for the selfish as bro comment, a twist of wanting to call Rose out when she calls him a people pleaser (she has a point in that specific way but hey), and then something heavier towards the end, a little closer to a flinch. The second he's a little calmer throughout, since it's nothing new, and only reinforces points that he hasn't fully internalized but has started to notice and work with.]

Maybe we should just make a ritual of forwarding relevant conversations with Rose from now on. [They're such idiots.] If nothing else, the Lil Cal debacle was important to me in establishing the tenacity of our relationship despite ourselves.

[He doesn't close the conversations because he thinks it might be helpful to have exact wording to look back to going forward, but he does look up.]

Which part do you want to start with?

[ rose always calls things right and dave's heard his own issues turned back around at him too many times from her. it helps, because he never says them to himself, and she's a person he can let say those things even if it drives him up the wall. his left hand goes to the back of his neck as he tracks dirk's reactions - the flinch is mirrored in the tension in his fingers, but he doesn't move, and just hopes it was the right choice to share the conversations and not the wrong one - and he frowns at the suggestion. ]

I dunno if that'd - I say the shit I do to her because it's... [ ...? what? ] I don't know. Uh, which part do you...suggest starting with. I'm not dodgin', I just - I don't know where to start. The...saying no thing? The decision thing. The Rose draggin' everyone constantly thing and annoyingly usually bein' right?

I'm definitely taking offence to her calling me a people pleaser. I can't say she's wrong in the specific sense she used, but I'm taking offence to it nonetheless.

[A pause]

I was joking about the forwarding, by the way.

[He thinks it's best if they don't, for the sake of Dave's privacy. A pause.]

Maybe we should talk about... me. And how I relate to the people I love, and the sacrifices I'm willing to make, or not, for them. It might help you understand better. We've spent a lot of time with me trying to understand you, and recent discussions seem to be pointing that I have been neglectful in returning that.

So... the people pleasing, and the trust, and the saying 'no' all sort of come together. And we can start by establishing that, and how I am, so that you understand the position I'm coming from when it comes to our decisions. And the reverse, if you feel a desire or need to clarify things on your side.

Edited 2017-01-12 21:00 (UTC)

Welcome to my life. [ re: rose. ]

All right. [ the hand at the back of his neck slides around to the front and drops to his lap. ] Batter up, then? Step onto the court and let it fly.

[ he is literally never going to learn a single thing about sports ]

I'm listening. [ though "sacrifices" had gotten a tensing of his jaw for barely a millisecond before he smoothed it out. ]

[Dirk notices that well enough. Not the sports references, those are a lost cause. But the rest.]

Okay. Uh... I'm going to lapse into pure binarism here for the sake of the discussion. To start, I want to mark a distinction between my identity, meaning who I am and can't not be, and my habits and behaviors, which I can change. Rose's accusation hits its mark because of something she doesn't know about, which is that I tried to change who I am, immutably, for the sake of a friend once. I spent years trying to do that because I felt they deserved it, and I wanted to be able to give them everything they deserve.

I couldn't, since conversion therapy is kinda not a real thing. I had to be true to myself. But it isn't unreasonable for you to fear me trying to alter my identity for your sake when it is something I've tried to pursue in the past. Ultimately, though, I couldn't and can't. No matter how much I might want to be something else, I have to be what I am. We could probably put 'trying to change who I am' into my 'work on it' column pretty readily since I've generally accepted that it's a problem for myself and others.

[ at least dave has juuuuust enough tact not to ask "wait, you tried not to be gay for mom?" dirk has exactly three friends and implied jane was part of the jake sweepstakes or what the fuck ever went down there, and he had further implied he'd basically never stopped the whole. gay thing. in jake's direction, which leaves by process of elimination...

it really isn't his business. but the example doesn't completely shock him. ]

I like who you are. So...I'd appreciate that? Or, well. I guess "like" isn't the right word, 'cause some of it I don't like. But I do...you know. [ the right word is "love" but he doesn't fully correct himself, shrugging. ] I didn't know about that. But I did know you...backed off anything remotely connected to Bro at all, at the start. Which is - I get it can't be fun havin' me flinch away or some shit and I can't say that when you get older and look more like him it won't happen again, but it's not...you know.

[ "you know" is a terrible explanation. ]

[look the point isn't that this was the specific example but it is definitely the most clear example in terms of identity and things you can't change so yes dave, he tried to not be gay for your mom.

He appreciates that Dave doesn't push into the details of example, and seems to understand what Dirk is actually saying. Dirk has to be sure he understands Dave.]

What isn't it?

Not on you? [ he gives a one-shouldered shrug, hands clasped in his lap and one leg drawn up underneath him while the other dangles. ]

Sometimes it's me who has to change, Dirk. Or...a lot of times. Most times? I don't actually have a percentage map here. I'm sure google statistics could have helped me out, but sadly google absolutely suffered a terribad fate in the apocalypse, probably, or whatever. Was google on team viva la resistance or no?

Edited 2017-01-12 22:14 (UTC)

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