parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

Okay, hang on a second.

[Dirk reads through the first one, and it's a shame he's an open book to Dave. There are a few reactions in there—a frown for the selfish as bro comment, a twist of wanting to call Rose out when she calls him a people pleaser (she has a point in that specific way but hey), and then something heavier towards the end, a little closer to a flinch. The second he's a little calmer throughout, since it's nothing new, and only reinforces points that he hasn't fully internalized but has started to notice and work with.]

Maybe we should just make a ritual of forwarding relevant conversations with Rose from now on. [They're such idiots.] If nothing else, the Lil Cal debacle was important to me in establishing the tenacity of our relationship despite ourselves.

[He doesn't close the conversations because he thinks it might be helpful to have exact wording to look back to going forward, but he does look up.]

Which part do you want to start with?

[ rose always calls things right and dave's heard his own issues turned back around at him too many times from her. it helps, because he never says them to himself, and she's a person he can let say those things even if it drives him up the wall. his left hand goes to the back of his neck as he tracks dirk's reactions - the flinch is mirrored in the tension in his fingers, but he doesn't move, and just hopes it was the right choice to share the conversations and not the wrong one - and he frowns at the suggestion. ]

I dunno if that'd - I say the shit I do to her because it's... [ ...? what? ] I don't know. Uh, which part do you...suggest starting with. I'm not dodgin', I just - I don't know where to start. The...saying no thing? The decision thing. The Rose draggin' everyone constantly thing and annoyingly usually bein' right?

I'm definitely taking offence to her calling me a people pleaser. I can't say she's wrong in the specific sense she used, but I'm taking offence to it nonetheless.

[A pause]

I was joking about the forwarding, by the way.

[He thinks it's best if they don't, for the sake of Dave's privacy. A pause.]

Maybe we should talk about... me. And how I relate to the people I love, and the sacrifices I'm willing to make, or not, for them. It might help you understand better. We've spent a lot of time with me trying to understand you, and recent discussions seem to be pointing that I have been neglectful in returning that.

So... the people pleasing, and the trust, and the saying 'no' all sort of come together. And we can start by establishing that, and how I am, so that you understand the position I'm coming from when it comes to our decisions. And the reverse, if you feel a desire or need to clarify things on your side.

Edited 2017-01-12 21:00 (UTC)

Welcome to my life. [ re: rose. ]

All right. [ the hand at the back of his neck slides around to the front and drops to his lap. ] Batter up, then? Step onto the court and let it fly.

[ he is literally never going to learn a single thing about sports ]

I'm listening. [ though "sacrifices" had gotten a tensing of his jaw for barely a millisecond before he smoothed it out. ]

[Dirk notices that well enough. Not the sports references, those are a lost cause. But the rest.]

Okay. Uh... I'm going to lapse into pure binarism here for the sake of the discussion. To start, I want to mark a distinction between my identity, meaning who I am and can't not be, and my habits and behaviors, which I can change. Rose's accusation hits its mark because of something she doesn't know about, which is that I tried to change who I am, immutably, for the sake of a friend once. I spent years trying to do that because I felt they deserved it, and I wanted to be able to give them everything they deserve.

I couldn't, since conversion therapy is kinda not a real thing. I had to be true to myself. But it isn't unreasonable for you to fear me trying to alter my identity for your sake when it is something I've tried to pursue in the past. Ultimately, though, I couldn't and can't. No matter how much I might want to be something else, I have to be what I am. We could probably put 'trying to change who I am' into my 'work on it' column pretty readily since I've generally accepted that it's a problem for myself and others.

[ at least dave has juuuuust enough tact not to ask "wait, you tried not to be gay for mom?" dirk has exactly three friends and implied jane was part of the jake sweepstakes or what the fuck ever went down there, and he had further implied he'd basically never stopped the whole. gay thing. in jake's direction, which leaves by process of elimination...

it really isn't his business. but the example doesn't completely shock him. ]

I like who you are. So...I'd appreciate that? Or, well. I guess "like" isn't the right word, 'cause some of it I don't like. But I do...you know. [ the right word is "love" but he doesn't fully correct himself, shrugging. ] I didn't know about that. But I did know you...backed off anything remotely connected to Bro at all, at the start. Which is - I get it can't be fun havin' me flinch away or some shit and I can't say that when you get older and look more like him it won't happen again, but it's not...you know.

[ "you know" is a terrible explanation. ]

[look the point isn't that this was the specific example but it is definitely the most clear example in terms of identity and things you can't change so yes dave, he tried to not be gay for your mom.

He appreciates that Dave doesn't push into the details of example, and seems to understand what Dirk is actually saying. Dirk has to be sure he understands Dave.]

What isn't it?

Not on you? [ he gives a one-shouldered shrug, hands clasped in his lap and one leg drawn up underneath him while the other dangles. ]

Sometimes it's me who has to change, Dirk. Or...a lot of times. Most times? I don't actually have a percentage map here. I'm sure google statistics could have helped me out, but sadly google absolutely suffered a terribad fate in the apocalypse, probably, or whatever. Was google on team viva la resistance or no?

Edited 2017-01-12 22:14 (UTC)

The Condesce completely took over their infrastructure and adapted it to her purposes. It wasn't difficult.

[dirk no]

Are you talking about changing your habits and behavior, or changing your identity?

The specific example I gave just before was - probably more the former.

[ he is not sure he wants to claim "fucked up by bro" as an identity. but it isn't a thing he can just make go away by wanting it really badly.

dave bites his lip, but it's less a worried gesture and more a stall for time as he messes with it. ]

I...think that... [ the stall didn't go on long enough because he's not sure how to explain the new thought he's had, so dave just. shrugs again, changing gears and leaving whatever-it-was behind for the moment. ] It's not a problem unique to you. I made myself into someone else for a lot of reasons for a long time, but "keeping other people happy" was always...a huge factor? I didn't try to change anything quite so - ok, well I guess technically I ignored anything to do with. That. On the grounds it was - honestly we can get into that later, but mostly I - ignored the part where I wasn't...you know.

[ YOU KNOW!!!!! ]

Things like that are things we can work on together, the way we've worked on flashstepping and are going to try with puppets.

[He hopes it is more of the former, but he worries. Not that Dave will take it as an identity, he's sure it isn't. But because he worries about Dave refusing to admit discomfort for fear of changing Dirk.]

Is it... the thing you were going to say. What were you going to start with? I think I got the 'you know' on the second part of it.

[There have been a lot of those and Dirk is trying to track them.]

It's...an idea I had before but which didn't last for the space of one conversation. I don't know if I want you to tear it down or build it up. And I'm still not sure if it's...

[ ... ]

What did you think the "you know" part was?

[He wonders if it is the idea that Dave had talking to Komaeda, which was crushed like two seconds later.]

I can wait for a little. Until you are ready to try to talk about it.

[He thinks that's okay. It's true, at the least. He can wait.]

I assumed that whereas I tried to stop being exclusively attracted to dudes, you tried to stop not actually being happy about growing up in an abusive household.

Got it in one. I was really good at it, I'll have you know? None of them suspected a fuckin' thing. I mean, they thought Bro was weird because I couldn't really sell the puppet thing as like...well they all thought that was creepy. But even the people who literally got to see that bullshit in realtime bought my story, you know? Terezi thought I was mourning him when I found his body.

[ maybe he was? it was more shock than anything else, though. he hadn't liked bro, but bro had been unbeatable and it was just...sure a thing. to realize he'd never get any sort of closure, he'd never measure up because the measuring stick had broken, and there was no chance of anything at all. ]

Then I met you and actually talked about shit. I'm holdin' you responsible.

[ the thing he keeps coming back to is "maybe it is okay that i am sometimes not okay and am upset?" and yes komaeda sure did. backtrack that idea real fast. ]

The stupid thing is I was so sure for half a minute no one could take that stupid-ass idea away from me and then it was like no, you're being dumb and broken and unreasonable again, Dave. Duh. Hey, want to read that stunning journey into my psyche as well? All idiotic things come in threes. Though I'm pretty sure I was just...all over in the wrong there. I'm probably still in the wrong right now.

I'm willing to own up to my part in talking about things, since I consider it the opposite of a negative, but I'd say that it was your strength and the support of the people who loved you on the meteor who got us to that point first.

[So that's where he stands there. This is... not about how Dirk handles saying 'no' but it's not like any of their conversations ever travel linearly so Dirk just. Mentally bookmarks that and decides to come back to it later. As it is, he isn't sure what the conversation is, but]

Sure, I'll read it.

[Dave's out-of-context comment would actually give Dirk its context, so yes.]

[ dave circles back around to topics when he decides on an emotion for them or a question. it's one of his most annoying habits probably. dirk deserves someone who can converse in a straight line? and yet?

he just sends over another conversation which will be the last one because three is a nice number.

then he promptly goes back to the previous topic after giving dirk that without giving dirk time to respond on that topic, because that is how he operates sometimes. ]

So what else about you is intrinsic to your person by your standards?

[ time to multitask, dirk. ]

You probably shouldn't hand me one of the most complicated questions in philosophy while also giving me something to read.

[Which he will in a second, but he also isn't sure about things. And he looks at Dave, that level of unsure. That level of... not knowing.

The path of the self sucks.]

There are things I thought were essentially true about myself, but which my splinters could call into question. Like... I don't know if the universe would agree that something about me can be an essential part of my identity if it wasn't in your Bro's identity. It seems misguided to count those things as immutable when they are, in fact, mutations of the original version of me.

I honestly don't know. Some of the things that aren't true about him are things that I value in myself and that I'd like to work on being better at. But maybe they aren't essential to what Dirk Strider is.

Payback's a bitch.

[ zero apologies for making dirk consider a hard question, dirk and rose ask them all the time. ]

Technically, he wasn't the original version. That is, none of us were. The babies who had a myriad jumble of whatifs depending on when and where and what the fuckever were the originals. Callin' one timeline an "original" is kinda difficult when there are so many dead end versions. The original should be a term used for the source, right? Not the iteration.

[ ..............that has nothing to do with anything ]

I guess my question is: do you know what it is you aren't willing or able to change about yourself? ...And what did you used to think was true about yourself and what do you value in yourself. Those are questions I have, too.

You're getting even more ruthless than usual, dude.

[So many hard questions. Hm.

Dirk cannot steal an apple from the branches, so he goes for a random leaf. He traces over its veins with the pad of his thumb, and when he speaks, he speaks slowly.] One thing, that I've thought to be true all of my life, even as I feared I did it wrong, and that your Bro feels like he calls into question, is simply that I love my friends. I've been afraid that I don't love them properly or that my emotions are corrupted and self-interested, and I've been afraid of my love as something corrosive and toxic. At the same time, love and loyalty towards them, and now to you and Rose, is something I'd never want to lose. Even if, apparently, one version of me wasn't capable of loving anyone at all.

Does it... [He stops again. He rephrases.] Do you understand why I'm worried that maybe love and loyalty aren't an essential part of me, and maybe are somehow... fake? Even though it doesn't feel fake, at times I worry about it. I worry that I'm just the emotionless, rational machine everyone seems to see me as. That, I guess, some splinter of me was.

I understand it.

[ though he hadn't been aware that specifically was a thing dirk feared. he knew dirk was worried about what was or was not bro about himself, but the emotionless rational machine had...not ever been a thing dave had really been able to comprehend. the nearest dirk had ever gotten to tripping him into seeing bro was telling dave he was overreacting to the reaper thing. and even then he hadn't been halfway there. ]

It isn't fake? I can tell you that much. If it were, I'd be able to tell, and I...wouldn't be talkin' to you about any of this. [ he tries to consider what it would have been like to meet bro as a teen, and how he would have dealt with that. with him being here, and -

dave stops trying to consider that. ]

When I've worried about you...not feeling that way any longer, it's never had to do with that particular reasoning behind it. About you...not caring about people and things. Also, you're as irrational as I am a lot of the time so I guess it never occurred to me to worry that you were like...too rational?

[ ... ]

I know what it feels like to worry about loving people well, too.

It's occurred to me lately, Dave, that you have the most skewed perspective of me of anyone in the world. You probably think I'm easy to make laugh.

[It's reassuring, what Dave said, and he thinks he knows what the ellipses was. Still, it amuses him in its way. Dave has such a peculiar and unique image of him. Dirk's friends at least understand that Dirk comes off differently from how he is. Dave seems to think that Dirk is the same with him as he is with everyone.]

It's a kinda perpetual concern. I already told you that the people I love most are the ones I've done the most damage to. But I can't... not love them. It's still difficult for me to understand how he was incapable of love. None of the external factors seem to account for it, so it feels like it follows that maybe me caring is the anomaly.

You are easy to make laugh.

[ his brow furrows. ]

You laugh all the fuckin' time. And I don't know if I'd say that's the anomaly. Like - Dirk, you're really different, in more than just that way.

[Like there are important personal things to get here but first]

Dave. I'm pretty sure Karkat and Rin are running a competition right now to see who can make me smile first. It has been running for months, from what I can tell. Neither of them have managed even that.

You smile all the time?

[ look ]

And even if you don't it's not like you look, like...emotionless. I have seen you around base without me, you know. Your expressions exist?

[ he. may also consider the tiniest quirk of a lip or relaxing of dirk's neutral expression to be "happy" because...they are???? ]

Didn't know abut the bet, but Vantas tends not to tell me that kinda thing so it ain't too surprisin'.

Most people can't read me, on the grounds that most people aren't accustomed to trying to read the facial expressions of an infant who grew up with little real in-person social interaction. The reason everyone thinks you're more readable than I am is that you emote more obviously. It's a misreading of you, since they seem to miss that you're a better liar than I am, but it's still the general impression..

Even setting that aside, I think the last time I laughed near Rin was maybe August. Pretty sure I haven't actually smiled near... almost everyone we've ever had on base. The truth is that I'm not expressive, and very few people actually get enough of an emotional reaction out of me to trigger a physical response. You're uniquely skilled at getting me to smile or laugh. The way I act around you in general is unique to us, which I think should be obvious if you reflect on how you've seen me behave towards others.

[How often has he seen Dirk smile at others? How often has he seen Dirk unfold, fully relaxed, near someone else? Move closer to have proximity, initiate physical contact, spend hours talking to just because?

It's an infrequent event for anyone off a short list. Even Roxy and Jake, whom Dirk loves and adores, don't make him laugh at the rate Dave does, and the body language around them has always been different—cautious and loving always, and yes he is relaxed by them, wants to be near to them, talk and have contact with them. But he is frightened of different mistakes and eager for different kinds of affection and it expresses itself in the physicality he has around them. Though he loves them no less, it is different because the relationships are different. The way he acts around Dave really is absolutely unique.]

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