parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

I...

[ breathe. ]

I can accept that's what you want as the default state. [ it's carefully worded and wary but he's supposed to be listening. so he tries not to argue, but listens. ]

Right. So that's the start. [That's as far as it goes there, that's the beginning point. That, for Dirk, is the easiest part.]

The next part is that this situation is uniquely to do with Jake. I love Roxy, but I don't want to tell her anything you tell me in confidence. No one else even ranks consideration here. There isn't anyone else, at all, ever, who I might want to tell things you tell me. It only applies to Jake, and it will only ever apply to Jake, because of me and Jake's history and the partnership we have now. It isn't a thing with other people, because no one else is what Jake is to me.

So, that's... I value you being able to tell me things in confidence is the first thing. Jake being the only person I owe my own confidence to is the next thing. Can you... believe those two things?

[ he could just say "yes" out of hand, but the truth is nearer to: ]

I can try.

Okay. [That's two parts. He tries to breathe.] Would explaining more about those things help you believe them, or should we just move on to the next thing? I'm... not sure what will help most. I can explain why your confidence is important to me.

I don't know. You can...I'll listen if you want to explain it. Or we can move on. Whichever is easiest? It's not...I'll keep tryin' to give you my confidence. Okay?

No, you don't have to yet. That isn't the...

[He stops himself, tries to work on it better. Reformulate and re-approach.]

Uh, I don't know if I ever clearly said this. I know I've talked about it in different ways, but I don't think you... realized the conclusion. I've said that I've never been very honest or open with my friends before. I didn't trust them with everything, whether it was my feelings or information about how I wanted things to go. I withheld a lot, partly out of fear.

But when we talked like that, on the roof, when we first met... it was incredible? I really loved that. I felt like... I needed to keep that. Not just the part where we talked about our respective problems, but all of it. I realized then that this was the relationship I needed and wanted. Not a master-apprentice relationship with my cool hero movie star Bro, but... that. Talking about anything, being as honest as we could be and supporting each other, joking and laughing about the dumbest shit. Just... being totally comfortable around you, and open and honest, because of the circle we made that was just us, because you understood me. Even the things you didn't get. I felt uniquely understood and understanding.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure. It's how I feel about it.

Edited (ok done) 2017-01-13 19:16 (UTC)

It makes sense. I'd never been that honest with anyone else, ever. 'Till I told Rose bullshit in a desperate attempt not to lose you. I've...tried really hard not to lie to her since. [ he's lied anyway. ] It was all stuff I'd only ever thought to myself. I never actually planned to say any of it to anyone, full stop.

[ just bury it, although maybe he'd talk about it to karkat at some point, at least the iceberg tips of everything underneath. ]

But it wasn't just...catharsis. Aside from the other versions of myself, there isn't actually anyone who understands me in the ways you specifically do. Rose included. I've died with her and for her before, and we have bone deep similarities, but it's different.

Yeah. When you... the thing with sharing how our apartments felt. [His free hand, the one not going numb resting on his lap, taps his temple.] It was different, but I got it. You get me. We have the dumbest misunderstandings, and we're not the same and don't take the same approach to a lot of things. But there are things that I think and feel that only make sense to you. Important things, and incredibly stupid ones.

[Dave gets his sense of humour. Dave gets how it feels to be this weak and desperate to live up to a legacy you can't ever reach. They aren't the same, but Dave still understands him.]

So... that's something I value a lot.

Someone else's hand-me-down sweater, but it's itchy and there are holes. It doesn't quite fit except it kind of does; the framework's there.

[ how many times over the course of the month will dirk's hands go numb for dumb dave-related reasons? ]

I valued - I value it a lot, too.

[like, so many times]

[He notices the correction, but he doesn't fight it. He stays calm.]

Yeah, like that. Do you.. get why that's something I really want to protect? Why I've been trying so hard to build it back stronger from when I broke it.

[ at least dave's still doing the barely touching fingertip thing. for whatever that is worth. they are such idiots. ]

Yeah. [ it's the thing dave has been telling himself he can't have back fully. ] I get that it's one of the things you want.

Okay, so.

[Okay, so. They are sitting in a tree, with their fingertips barely touching, he can do this.]

I think... I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. Could we... could we talk about how I broke that? Why it's hurt right now.

It felt like you were tellin' me someone else had to join that circle, and that was how it was goin' to be. And that's fair; you aren't mine, but you are his.

[ a shrug. ]

I...think eventually my just tellin' you things will feel natural again. [ if he keeps just forcing it to happen, he means. ]

[There's a moment's pause.] Can I have my shades back? I need them to draw something.

[This is going to be stupid.]

I wasn't plannin' on blockin' you from them if you ever went for them.

[ but he will actually unclip - shit wrong pair of shades, those go back onto his collar as he fumbles for a second and comes up with the, you know, pointy set to hand out. ]

I wasn't going to go for them, but I don't have a pen.

[So, he takes the pointy edge of his shades. And he grabs a few leaves from off the tree, and he uses his not-made-useless hand to draw a few things on the leaves scraping them in with the pointy edge. When he's done, he hands the pointy shades back to Dave to hold.]

I made diagrams of what we're discussing.

[Dirk, no. He holds up the first leaf. It has two circles: one with the points 'Da' and 'Di' labelled on it, and a second with 'Da,' 'Di', and 'J' on it.] You're picturing me askin' for a transition from the first circle to the second circle. I'm not sayin' you're wrong that that is what it is, I'm just trying to demonstrate the differences in how we conceptualize it. So this represents what my request means to you.

Not really. I know it isn't fully into the circle. But it isn't a closed circuit. And it shouldn't be? So. You're right about askin' it not to be.

[ he's willing to disregard how he feels about it because how he feels is inherently wrong, like with - well komaeda's whatever. ]

It's more like a balloon in shape in practice I guess.

[ he just hooks the shades back over the collar of his shirt next to his own. ]

A balloon has the same idea of the kind of circuit you're envisaging, so I'm taking it. Do you want to see my second leaf?

[ HE DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO SEE THE SECOND LEAF, DIRK, BUT: ]

Sure.

[TOO BAD. Dirk holds up his second diagram. This time, there are also two circles! But the circles are different. One circle is Da + Di. The other circle is Di + J. The two circles are connected by a tangent dotted line.]

That's what I was imagining. It's why I'd hoped it wouldn't be a problem. I didn't think...When I imagined it, there were still two closed circles, one for us and one for me and him. The only time anything crossed over that line was when it was stuff that doesn't matter and doesn't really mean anything, things about the Kharaa or stuff me and him discovered about URSULA's servers. I saw it as information that I'd want you both to know as someone on my team in a fight, information that doesn't seem important except for our basic survival so you both would have a right to know.

I didn't understand why you saw it as an open circuit. Now I do, and I get why it bothers you.

[ well. dave at least listened to the whole explanation. ]

All right. That's fine. I'm still fine with you tellin' him whatever. Next decision?

[ but he's not sure what to say about it and is well aware most of the issues are just His Issues. it's easier to let it go. ]

I don't think we're there for the next decision yet.

[Dirk... puts his leaves down. Goodbye, diagram leaves.]

The whole point of it is that I saw it one way, and now I understand. I get why you aren't okay with it. I'd like to make that the point we start working from.

[ the visual aids didn't have enough dumb comics ]

Oh. Uh. Ok? I understand how you saw it too.

[ it's not the way in which dave sees it and he gets that and. is not sure of step two. shit why does he suck at this. ]

I'm workin' on...not.

You don't... have to? You can if you want to. But... I bifurcated the information in my head, made a distinction between the two kinds. I get now that you don't and it makes sense why. From that, it doesn't make sense for me to ask you to trust someone you barely know. Jake's awesome and I love him, but he's basically a stranger to you. It would be stupid and unfair to ask you to trust him.

But it's important to you to be able to tell him these things?

[ so, obviously: yes he does have to? dave frowns, not. able to unfollow that logical leap there. maybe they weren't entirely done talking about how to say no or what constituted saying it. or sticking to saying no. or anything. ]

So it's fine.

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