parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

[ nnngh. there's another moment of complete standstill silence, before dave finally comes out with: ]

I don't think we should talk about it that much. You shouldn't make that kind of decision based on anythin' other than your own feelings and comfort.

[ he does not want to respond to wanting or not wanting to go on trips, or liking them, or how he felt about them; all those things might hurt to share or hurt to hear, whenever the decision inevitably comes back. ]

So: it doesn't really have anythin' to do with me, anyway, but thanks for sharin'.

It does have to do with you. It's a thing we do together, which I enjoy because we do it together. Some time, when you're up for it, I'd like to talk to you about time travel, and how you feel about it and imagine it. I'd like to understand it better from the perspective of someone who knows it best.

I don't want to give up trips with you. But I also don't want to go in them without being sure how I feel about it.

I don't mind talkin' to you about time travel and me. I'd just...prefer not to talk about my feelings about those trips.

[ dave sighs, gaze dropping to the ground below. ]

So. Consensus is shelve it?

[He wonders if it's the bunk bed thing again. He wonders if Dave doesn't want to dream about things he can't have.

There's a small pause, and then, he says,]

Jake runs on Hope but that hasn't traditionally been part of my outlook. I don't like thinkin' about things I'm sure I can't have, not if it hurts to do so. Between us, though, it's unacceptable to me that the things that we shared are impossible to repair and make stronger.

We can put it aside for now. Later, though, I'd like to come back and talk about things more. Okay?

Edited 2017-01-14 01:29 (UTC)

[ it is absolutely the bunk bed thing again, and for a second he doesn't breathe in or out before just letting the air go, eyes still on the ground. ]

Maybe. Look, regardless of the outcome of you thinkin' about things, it was...nice. I just don't want to discuss it like it's goin' to be a thing if it's in limbo. Or if that would impact your decision. There's always goin' to be other stuff to do, so let's just drop it until you come to a decision or I do. So...next item.

Okay. We'll... come back to that when we have other things settled.

[They can only tackle so much at once, Dirk thinks. It's too exhausting otherwise. It asks Dave to believe too much, and perhaps Dirk to be good better than he can. They have to try to take it as they can.]

You said the tower was the next one.

[ oh right the one he specifically kept trying to slot in as being last so he could put it off just a little longer. dave spends all of three seconds trying to find any other issue he could possibly raise to stall a little longer before deciding that's stupid and nodding fractionally.

his fingers curl up to drag dirk's hand down to his rather than the stupid weird not touching thing they've been doing. ]

From the top? The decision I made was to...not.

[Congratulations to Dave. He held a hand.]

Yeah. I'm not... I still want to. You're right that I don't want to hurt people, but I've been thinking about it a lot. The thing is, I also have to do what's best for me. I think the best thing for me, right now, would be to live with you.

But it ultimately has to be a mutual agreement. If you can't accept me moving in with you, I won't.

[ congratulations to dirk for putting up with handholding limbo for like, an eon.

all right, so first things first. this time dave actually asks for clarification. ]

Can we go into detail on why you think it would be best for you?

Sure.

[He nods, tries to pick where to start. "I'm clingy and desperate and being around you makes me feel loved and not lonely" seems a little pathetic, although it definitely gets the point across. Maybe he should say that.

Hm.]

You said you didn't want me to leave the base because you thought I liked being around people. I told you that in fact, I don't like being around people. That's true. But, uh... I get lonely. The apartment thing. [That feeling.] The issue is that not everyone can actually make me not feel lonely, and in fact being around strangers too much can make me feel worse. But you push the loneliness away from me.

For the past month, knowing I'd always be able to come home to you at the end of the day helped. You... I'm not underselling Roxy and Rose here, but you're... you're you. Getting to come home to you was important. You never seemed to mind how desperate and clingy I am, and I always slept better when you were around. Having the security of your presence was... good. It was safety from the only thing that ever truly terrified me. Living with you feels like home.

[He glances up for half a second to see Dave's expression.]

I can go into more detail but those are the essential feelings behind it.

Edited 2017-01-14 02:09 (UTC)

[ oh.

dave's expression when dirk checks it is somewhat reminiscent of the "holy shit you grew a second head in the last five seconds" look he'd once given dirk when dirk first said i love you. in fact, that is actually exactly the expression he's giving dirk. it's something between stunned silence and weirded out and awed and disbelieving. the stalled out look he'd given dirk when dirk had said he was important - every time dirk says he's important - because it never seems any realer. ]

Oh.

[ goddamnit mouth say something more smart and meaningful and - ]

You're not really that clingy. [ or sure say something really fucking stupid. that works too. why does dave's brain ever try to have any say in anything he does, none of the attached appendages ever listen. this is his life now. saying stupid things when dumbstruck by anything that throws him.

who is he kidding, that has pretty much always been his life. ]

[That. Isn't a bad look. He thinks? He worries it is for a second but then he remembers how many times he has seen that face and the exact context.]

I've been holdin' myself back from sending you too many text messages every day out of fear that you'll want me to just shut up if I do.

You can send me as many text messages as you want?

[ why does it come out as a question. it isn't a question. shit. ]

You didn't used to text me as much, but it's not, like, an amount that I... [ is there any non pathetic way to say he could handle the count being even higher happily because he's a loser who just. likes constant attention??? he is not used to people texting him back to the degree he deluges them with messages???? jesus ] ...I can handle a really high volume of text messages.

[ ask rose. ]

I didn't text you as much because I figured it was better to let you text me and thereby avoid driving you away with my desperate need to have your time and attention.

[Why this. God he is so. Pathetic.]

[ all right, dave...is not sure what to think about that since his friends all dealt with his clingy texting habits by literally just walking away or x'ing out of windows until they went back to deal with him and never expressed anything other than 1) amusement 2) annoyance or 3) psychoanalyzation. none of them ever got driven off by the whole. texting too much thing. ]

Why...would that be a thing.

[ he can't comprehend this one? ]

I mean, I guess I have avoided askin' you to spend time with me before after like, occupying too much time in a row or like tried to not text you so you'd spend time with other people, but.

Because havin' to deal with too much Dirk Strider is a hell I made for myself and which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

[Because he hates being around himself so CLEARLY DAVE WILL TOO]

I'm not... great to be around. My personality is pretty much unbearable.

Dirk. You can be as clingy as you want. I don't care?

[ the whole current touching issue aside. ]

The times I've wanted to fuck off alone I've said so. But they're...not really the norm?

I... understand the probably truth behind that, and I'll try to act it out a bit more.

[God, he's so dumb. He. Clears his throat.]

But yeah. That's... my stuff, with regards to thinking I'd be better off living with you. You shouldn't consider that an obligation by any means. I can definitely adapt however necessary to get by and you already do a lot for me. But that's how it is.

We can make it a rule if you think that'd help.

[ it's a casual offer as he continues just kind of staring at dirk while holding his hand and. sitting too close what the fuck dave why do you insist on making things so awkward? at least he isn't like smooshing his cheek into a hug here i guess??? that's kind of an improvement??? it's not really an improvement. but. okay.

it feels a bit like standing on the precipice of some free fall guaranteed to cause his own death, trying to decide what the right thing to do or say is.

rose was probably bullshitting the fortune thing. ]

...Okay?

[ it comes out more like a question than a finality. ]

[Dirk is sitting here, holding his brother's hand, awkwardly up in a tree unsure what Dave is saying. He always has to read into every line and he... doesn't know? He doesn't quite know.]

Okay to... what thing?

[Making it a rule?]

[ ok the awkwardly up in a tree thing is entirely dirk's fault dave would have picked like, the ground, what the fuck dirk. or a volcano??????? ]

Okay, you can organize my cords.

[ that wasn't what he meant to say, but it will. work. whatever. ]

[In the tree, only the leaves can see their shame.]

Uh.

[That's. Okay. Breath.]

Would you also be managing my sock drawer?

You can't be trusted to manage your own sock drawer.

[ there is probably no way he's gotten away with not discussing his own feelings on the entire thing but let him dream for like three minutes. ]

You will not take my toe socks away from me, bro.

[it won't be a full three minutes the kid gets here]

Do you mind when I call you that?

[ hang on we need to detour into random fucking questions with dave strider. ]

Bro. I mean, is it ok when I call you that.

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