parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

Maybe I should take lessons from you.

[This is a joke which hopefully Dave will realize. DIRK HAS. Come to accept being the weirdest person in expressions.]

I think we should go back and establish whether or not either of us capable of saying 'no' first. That was what we were discussing, when I started talking about my identity and the things that are immutable.

[in case dave forgot]

[ and before dave gave him that komaeda conversation he PROMPTLY DISTRACTED DIRK FROM ]

When I think saying yes would hurt you or someone else, I can say no.

[ it's a clearer answer than he had given earlier. ]

I...don't do so seriously usually otherwise? It's not like I'm always unhappy with whatever and more often than not I'd say it's more a case of I frequently don't really care what I do with someone, but I'm more likely to do shit I don't care about or don't want to do if asked by the right person. I've said no to keep you from getting pissed off at me for saying yes, too.

[Dave may or may not think he distracted Dirk BUT IN FACT]

In the sense that you have decided not to do a thing you didn't want to, because you knew I'd know you didn't want to, and wouldn't want you to do what you wouldn't want to do.

Damn. That sounds so stupid.

[They're stupid.]

What about to Komaeda?

Kind of but also in the sense that you wouldn't let me.

[ so he like. still. tried...to do the dumb thing...and dirk wouldn't allow it... ]

What about to Komaeda? That whole situation is...different.

That's because of the point about how I don't want you to do things you don't want to do.

[Dave why...]

How is Komaeda different?

Minority versus majority. I don't think it really...matters? Like, clearly my feelings on that matter were fucked up and don't really count, and even if they did, so what? I can't do anything about the situation beyond ignore it and keep to myself and away from everyone involved in it. And that's probably the correct thing? Like...I can't impose my feelings on other people especially when they're dumb as fuck. I removed myself from the entire debacle as the one in the wrong and it seems to be workin' out for all of them so far, so like. Whatever?

[ he spreads his hands palm-up, shrugging. ]

I can at least maybe kind of expect to be like...safe and shit. In my own living space. Or, well, maybe that's also not a thing I am supposed to be able to have, but I can at least - probably do that? It was unreasonable to have the expectations I did previously re: the base, and also I clearly like. Overreacted by minding in the ways I did, or. Yeah.

With Komaeda, you said to him that it was okay for you not to be okay with it. Specifically, that you're allowed to not be okay with it and not to trust them. Now, it sounds like you don't believe that.

[The way Dave once sounded like he was sure it didn't matter and it was his Bro's fault, and now he thinks maybe it's his own fault.]

What made you change your perspective?

[ oh. that. ]

Everyone else.

Can I ask for details? I... will confess I'm genuinely not in a position of understanding. None of us were happy about it, and most of us in fact still aren't. Their group is... distinct, and I wouldn't account for their reactions. You told me once you didn't have the normal reaction, but to me it didn't follow when no one else is normal anyway. It's still difficult for me to fully grasp why you think your response was mistaken compared to, say, Rose and me instantly considering murder a solution.

If you can't talk about it, I will respect that. But if you can, I'd like to know.

Neither of you were seriously goin' to murder the dude.

[ he dismisses that out of hand; komaeda is kanaya's moirail and hinata's friend. dirk and rose therefore had their hands tied. ]

Even if y'all aren't happy with it, you can...deal. You're willin' to be around him and work with him and them. It's fine for them to just...carry on doin' whatever. The world didn't stop turnin' and never will for people doing whatever they want to other people, and I did already know that. I just...the people I've said "I'm not okay" to, either explicitly or less explicitly, about anything. You've all always been biased in my favor, and...it's not okay that I'm doing anything that might put the base as a whole at risk, or everyone else being. Happy. Or whatever. My feelings are not things I want to have if they're interfering with that, which they are, so I just - I don't want them. I should be able to suck it up, live on base, and never say a word about trust. I'm just...not there. And it sucks. All of you can trust him or them to different degrees and I just don't and it's a wreck.

You're right that I couldn't, because it would be morally unsustainable to answer a non-lethal crime with an execution. Rose, I'm less sure of.

[LIKE. When it comes down to it, Dirk does actually try to act in a morally upright way. SOMETIMES HE WONDERS ABOUT ROSE THOUGH.]

None of us are expecting you to trust them. To speak entirely for people whose opinions I know, I am not. I'd be genuinely disturbed if you did. Komaeda is unstable and, I'm pretty sure, physiologically incapable of a certain kind of rational functioning, in a way that makes him highly dangerous. Hinata... is a little more complicated, in that he isn't an unstable psychopath.

[So there's that in his favour? But.]

I can't say I appreciate how he has chosen to treat you after this. It would be best for him to have no role in your life or connection to you whatsoever, and I think it would deeply fucked up if you could trust him when all you know of him tells you not to.

Edited 2017-01-13 01:06 (UTC)

I don't know. Even her loyalty to Kan might not win out if he actually hurt me ever. I...couldn't trust I wouldn't defend myself, even if you guys wouldn't. My reactions to attacks on my person might be more...instinctive and lethal than he could handle? Even with whatever that luck thing is. And you don't need to like...worry about how people treat me or whatever. Anyone in your life is more or less in mine and I'm working on it.

[ dave's gaze falls to his lap. ]

I just...maybe being angry a little would be valid. I'm just a little too tied up in - it just felt like home. So. Nothing I was thinking was on the level because I'm pretty sure I'm least trustworthy about feelings when that happens.

If he actually hurt one of you, then the moral shield he currently has going for him would fall. As for Hinata being in my life, it isn't like I'm intending on marrying him and bringing him into the family. The thing is, how people treat you is really important to me. It says things about how he reacts and about what I can rely on him for.

If people mistreat you, I can't trust them with one of the most important people in my life. It would be the same if it was Rox or Jake or Rose. Someone I can't trust with those I love most is someone I can't truly trust with, if you'll tolerate the resurrection of a long-since flogged cliche, my soul. My non-physical life. You guys are my life, or rather, the parts of my life that I value the most.

[There's a pause. Dirk sort of frowns. He's not sure the best way to phrase this, but...]

Do you think... that your past trauma invalidates your current responses to things?

He hasn't treated me like anything, don't worry about it. We haven't talked at all. The only person who did was Komaeda, and you now...have that to look at, or whatever.

[ he's still entirely unwilling to fully give his opinion on the sdr2 clan beyond "don't trust them" although shit did he say anything further to komaeda? he can't actually remember. shit.

the question is at least a topic change and dave seizes on it gratefully even if he hates the question. ]

I think it means I need to learn to tone them down a lot, yeah. It's not...forget "normal", let's just go with "helpful" or "reasonable". And I - I really don't like causing you specifically trouble. And feeling like this has been doing that.

He talked about you to me in a way that I didn't appreciate. So he doesn't get to talk about you anymore. [i'll take 'overprotecting brothers' for 100, alex]

[but okay, the topic change. a... terrible topic change, but okay.]

It makes sense that you don't want to cause us trouble with your reactions, and I can't argue. I tend to feel the same way and prefer not to inconvenience others with my responses. I tend to anyway despite feeling shit about it, but I get the sentiment.

At the same time, I think it's important to understand your reactions are okay, and in some ways, they are normal. It is normal for people who have left traumatic situations to react to specific triggers in ways that others who don't have their histories won't. It's why PTSD is an entire thing. Not being okay is actually a normal response, even if it isn't ideal.

I don't know if it counts for much, but I was proud of you when you were able to make the call that moving out was the thing you needed to do right then.

Edited 2017-01-13 03:04 (UTC)

[ ok. he'd drop the hinata thing anyway although he freezes at the line about being talked about in a potentially negative fashion. it's not so obvious or dramatic as it sounds, but dave stills, considers it, and -

doesn't address most of what dirk says even though there's a shake of his head that's barely there when dirk talks about inconveniencing others because that's true but not what he meant about specifics.

what he does address rapid-fire and immediately is one small phrase out of many. ]

Why are you bringin' up PTSD specifically? [ if he sounds wary it's because he very much. is. ]

[Oh. Dirk... frowns.]

It came to mind because I wanted to elucidate the normalcy of what you're calling abnormal. PTSD, as a thing that made it into the DSM, shows that there's a sufficiently broad trend of humans responding to negative environments by developing response mechanisms that they carry with them even after they leave that environment. You said your reactions are unreasonable and broken and stupid, but my argument is that they make sense and are fully functional as a response to the environment you grew up on. It's only unreasonable to expect it to all vanish just because you aren't there anymore.

What's the DSM? [ he's automatically assuming that it isn't a thing he'll be thrilled about, and haha shit he managed to avoid the word abuse for sixteen years - nearly seventeen, really - and now there's a new word and dave isn't sure he wants it. his fingernails, always too short, curl tight into his palms. ]

[Well, shit.]

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

[Just. Shit.]

Dave, I'm pretty sure you're ignoring what I'm actually saying to hear what you're afraid of me saying.

[ he knew he wouldn't like the acronym. why are acronyms so frequently unpalatable? when they're not just chatspeak, anyway. his eyes flick up when dirk says his name, and he forces his hands to relax. ]

Sorry. Say it for me again. What are you actually saying?

[Dirk is still frowning, still worried. But Dirk isn't good at lying, either. He speaks sincerely.]

I'm saying you aren't broken or crazy or stupid. You're a seventeen year old adapting to a new, not ideal situation after thirteen years in a really shitty one and three more in one that wasn't that great. That isn't bad, it's just... you being human. Like me.

Okay. Okay, just...give me a minute.

[ to deal with having it said and having to hear it and name it and adjust. it's not the same sense of sick relief when rose had said abuse because at least that word he'd known was coming. dave's not sure specifically what he feels except "too much" and after a second he scoots forward on the branch and drops his head onto dirk's shoulder so he can just not for a second, blocking his range of vision.

hang on. ]

Are you actually worried about a Dave's brother sweepstakes? Me picking a different splinter of you. Or was that a misrepresentation?

[ he needs a timestall to regroup and he's been wondering for a while but hadn't asked. ]

[Dirk's surprised by the movement but he doesn't stop it and he doesn't object to Dave needing a minute. Dave says he needs time and Dirk will give it to him, realizing that he made a mistake, that he let his own intellectualizing habits lose him a strong vision of present emotion. But Dave asked for time, and that's better than Dave totally running away.

Dirk lets him rest, and he turns his hand over in his lap, palm up. Dave can take it if he wants or ignore it if he can't deal with that right now either.

Oh it's question time for Dirk now. Uh.]

I'm... not sure what you're referring to. I'm not denying I have a bit of a thing about my splinters and which one of us is most real or the best one, that's definitely a thing. But I don't know what possible misrepresentation you're talking about.

Your dream shades. Second message was more or less "hey pick me blah blah blah". Also "blah blah blah am I less real blah his personality blah".

[ a highly accurate transcription of what he remembers reading? yes.

he's aware of dirk's hand even if he doesn't see it but leaves it be for a second. ]

I figured you were probably really worried about it since it was a dream projection you were running base on your own mental...whatever, uh, subconscious? But you're a weird case because of how you operate. [ splinters. ] So I wasn't sure if it was a thing or not.

[The second Dave says it's his shades, there's a small groan that Dave can just. Feel right there because goddammit.]

It's awesome how the auto-responder can make things annoying for me even when I'm just projecting him. I am never going to stop being haunted by that mistake.

[Dave asked a question but Dirk just needs to GRIPE about the damned auto-responder for a second. It always drives him up the wall. But. Okay. Focus. Question.]

The way I project him is always uncontrolled. Even when I get a handle on Squarewave and Sawtooth, he's the one element that I can't predict or manage. That was always the case with him and it looks like my subconscious can't imagine him as anything else. When I project him, I create him as I knew him, which means jealous, intrusive, petty, superior, and constantly trying to sabotage my relationships by thinking he knows what's best for them.

The thing is, though, that in the end he is me. Yes, he's a projection here, but even the real AR is my own personality at age thirteen, amplified by the highest processing speed I could get my hands on. It isn't necessarily that I feel everything that he does and he chooses to express it. But an iteration of me can and does think like that because I also have that potential in me.

[Blah blah blah, theory. Dirk knows he's dodging the question. He knows he needs to get to it.]

I'm—not worried about you picking him. As an entity, he doesn't even really exist the same way anymore. Dream Ghost Dirk is restricted to being in Jake's head, my dream self is part of me now, and Brobot ripped out its heart and blew up. So I'm covered against you choosing most other splinters of me anyway.

But... yeah. I'm worried about losing the Dave's brother sweepstakes. I'm worried that your Bro is the real me, what I truly, most essentially am across all splinters. [His eyes move away. His voice gets quieter.] And.. it scares me that maybe for you, 'brother' will always mean him.

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