parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

Oh my God, why is my alternate universe self so unpalatable on every imaginable level.

[JUST LEAVE HIM HEAR TO DIE he puts his face in a hand. Only one hand because he's keeping that other hand there barely not much at all making contact with Dave's hand. BUT THIS HAND, THE FREE HAND. It's the hand for pain.]

Also. I will never bring up sex near you ever again. Sorry for every time I alluded to it ever.

Just. Don't ask Rose for examples of the shit I said at that age. I talked a big game about absolutely fuck all and at least when I talk about nothin' these days it ain't like that.

[ talking himself up. actually, he has generally started to do the reverse.

he still prefers it. ]

Is...what, really? Is that what you wanted to...address re: "inappropriate sexual content"? [ does this mean dirk won't give him condoms again praise be ]

Yes. Sorry? I didn't really think about. I'm sorry.

[He will die now and never ever ever even tease Dave about handholding again.]

Hoooow could you have known? I like. Told you about puppet porn sites and the puppet cabal, but I...

[ ... ]

It is kind of hard to convey the level to which Bro did anything with words only.

I noticed you get flustered by these things? I just didn't think. Of that. In... terms? You're always discussing dicks, and also asses, and how hot various moms are. So I didn't put it together.

[God no. God why.]

Never again. I promise.

I don't mind jokin' about it? Or, well, I am used to jokin' about it but sometimes it gets taken a little too far, mostly by Rose. Like, I have never bothered to censor my humor because I can't, I just.

[ ... ]

I am maybe not as invested in some of that stuff on a personal level, or at least do not think I will be consistently for a pretty long time? And also I could happily live without ever seein' another sex toy again in my entire life, I'm pretty sure.

But we don't have to stop, like, discussin' dicks and asses in the funny way, because they are objectively hilarious?

[he parses most of that through his shame but one bit confuses him.]

I thought you were bisexual, not asexual.

[beat]

Or we can not talk about that, and instead talk about how hilarious dicks and butts are. Or something otherwise less horrifying, like how I sit around thinking about how nice death would be.

I'm not asexual. I just...do not want to have sex right now?

[ but maybe that was obvious with the whole working back up to being comfortable touching people. ]

I don't know. I mean, I've had...interest? Just not in. Everything. Or probably as frequently as would be normal. I was too busy wantin' - lower key shit. [ see: handholding and hanging out. it took him years to consider doing anything further on a serious level and right now that's back to being not viable. ] I wasn't fully comfortable with the idea even before all this. I'm not...entirely thrilled about always bein' in control in the way in which I would have been expected to be, but I also don't want to be out of control. It's somethin' I could ignore in smaller scenarios but if it ever went further, I'd probably panic to some degree. I already feel really uneasy in nonsexual romantic scenarios wherein I'm expected to have the lead full stop in a manner which makes me feel kinda...somethin'. I just. I'm sure someday I will maybe revisit the issue when I am less fucked up over everythin' else, but maybe I should just let it lie for now?

[ why the fuck is he saying any of these words. shit. ]

Rose said it was "mature" of me if not the most mature option available, and she is literally the smuttiest person I know. So maybe it's okay.

[Dirk is notably not bothered by this at all. Like, super disturbed by his own fuck-ups still, but totally at ease with the conversation in this phrase.]

Rose is right. Putting the things you can't handle to the side while you sort out your things is usually a pretty good idea. Especially in terms of this, it's fraught with issues if you push yourself past your comfort zone. There's a reason me and Jake firmly kept ourselves to friends-only contact until we had done more work on ourselves and our relationship. You just really are better off not tangling things up worse forcing yourself to bring that in at the moment.

I broke up with Vantas, anyway.

[ it's actually on topic to the topic although none of this is on topic to the main purpose of the discussion. ]

I think we were supposed to be talkin' about sayin' no?

Edited 2017-01-13 08:13 (UTC)

Do you want to date him again one day?

[He thinks it's a fair question. It was Dirk's own choice with Jake, after all.]

Or I can talk about saying 'no.'

[ that question rose didn't ask. ]

I don't think it's a good idea as long as our control issues and everything else are directly oppositional? Like I...don't actually want to be Chuck Bass. But also I can't do the romance thing right now and I don't know what the timeframe will be for actually being able to do all that stuff, and I'm not sure I can commit to doing the stuff he needs me to be doing. There were a lot of reasons I kept fucking up and hurting him, and I don't know if I want to get into them all. I'm tryin' not to think too hard about it; dude falls in love easy and may be datin' Rin by the time it's an issue I can give a second look into. Or like, almost anyone who is not me would be a better option at this point. Which I knew would be a thing when I said we should cool it, and - I love him and hope he finds someone who makes him happy. I told him not to worry about me if a thing came up.

[ he's just fairly certain he'd need to get his shit sorted before it could be him, off the meteor. and maybe karkat would need to work on his stuff, too, but dave has no idea how to broach that because he never has had. it'd be all around better if karkat dated someone who could help him with...everything, actually. ]

So, let's just talk about saying 'no' instead.

Hm. I'm not exactly a stranger to directly opposite issues in a romantic partner. If you ever decide you want to take another look at it, I'll listen to whatever.

[He does, after all, REALLY know his ropes when it comes to ruining relationships. He's very sure Rin and Karkat aren't going red and that if they did it would incite more relationship drama but. The gossip can stay elsewhere.

Close eyes, breathe.]

I think we have somewhat different ideas of what being given a choice means. Neither is wrong, but they stand to a certain degree in opposite corners. From what I understand, you think of choice as a freedom from having another's will imposed on you. Like I said, that isn't wrong. There is no choice if someone is making the decision for you. My idea of choice, on the other side, is the freedom to express your own will. That isn't wrong either, as obviously there's no choice involved if you aren't being given an opportunity to make a decision.

It does put us at a point of some confusion here, however. You're worried about whether or not I'm able to say 'no.' My worry is whether or not I'll be given the option to say 'yes.'

I promised to work on friendship. That's about all I can handle there right now.

[ more importantly. right. ]

What's the list of decisions?

Me telling Jake anything plot important, on my end.

What've I got besides trips and rooms?

[ may as well ask dirk what he considered to be that. dave...

doesn't really give dirk's side of the equation too much thought; there might be others, but even the one listed he doesn't feel comfortable asking to reverse. he still just wants to know, and doesn't want to ask. ]

I don't think there's anything else. We should probably start with mine, then.

[Since to Dirk, it's a root problem. They can't handle the others until they handle that.]

I agreed you could do it already.

[ why did he choose to start with this one. ]

I know you did.

[Dirk is quiet, and he is gentle. He doesn't move his hand, but his fingers twitch.]

You told Rose you don't know what things you might tell me that I'll feel obligated to tell others. So we can talk about that. You don't have to go back on your decision, I just... want to talk about it?

I've been workin' on just tellin' you anyway. But sure?

[ same deal for why he keeps reporting dumb shit to karkat. they both wanted him to share more, so he's...making himself share more.

he promised to listen and rediscuss it, so he doesn't argue or backtrack, but simply watches dirk. ]

Do you... [Okay. No. Words are too difficult. He breathes again, and tries to reframe it.]

I think the important place to start here, which you might not have thought about, is what I want for our relationship. Specifically, I want you to be able to tell me anything at all, in total confidence. That isn't just... to please you, or something. I want to be able to keep information from you in confidence. My loyalty to Jake doesn't change that, just complicates it for certain types of information, and we can get to that in a second. I just want to start by explaining that generally speaking, the default state is that I don't want to tell anyone anything that you tell me. I prefer not to? I value that being part of our relationship, that we can tell each other things and it won't go anywhere else.

I...

[ breathe. ]

I can accept that's what you want as the default state. [ it's carefully worded and wary but he's supposed to be listening. so he tries not to argue, but listens. ]

Right. So that's the start. [That's as far as it goes there, that's the beginning point. That, for Dirk, is the easiest part.]

The next part is that this situation is uniquely to do with Jake. I love Roxy, but I don't want to tell her anything you tell me in confidence. No one else even ranks consideration here. There isn't anyone else, at all, ever, who I might want to tell things you tell me. It only applies to Jake, and it will only ever apply to Jake, because of me and Jake's history and the partnership we have now. It isn't a thing with other people, because no one else is what Jake is to me.

So, that's... I value you being able to tell me things in confidence is the first thing. Jake being the only person I owe my own confidence to is the next thing. Can you... believe those two things?

[ he could just say "yes" out of hand, but the truth is nearer to: ]

I can try.

Okay. [That's two parts. He tries to breathe.] Would explaining more about those things help you believe them, or should we just move on to the next thing? I'm... not sure what will help most. I can explain why your confidence is important to me.

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