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I don't know. You do dumb shit sometimes. [ rude.

he opens his mouth to add something else but thinks better of it, instead reaching out to idly draw pretty much nothing comprehensible in a new tab. he's getting more restless than he was to start with, but it's all pointless energy under his skin and dave doesn't fidget so much as he acknowledges he'd still rather be in the roof. ]

[...well. Okay. He doesn't...really know what to do. He doesn't really know how to reach out to someone who keeps dodging and he thinks about what Guren said to him a while ago. It's not the first time he's thought the whole thing is unfair.]

...yeah, I guess so. [Like. What else do you say to that? Arguing maybe isn't helpful. He doesn't know what Dave's actually doing or what he wants. He was clingy at first and that was, like, weird, but it was fine and kind of understandable. And now he's back to aloof and John kind of feels like an idiot. So. That's cool.

He looks at the roof of their fort and he kind of wants to kick himself for how stupid and childish it is. In the end, he rolls onto his back to stare at the roof instead.]

...what is it, dude? [What's bothering him, what's freaking him out, what stupid thing is John doing, etc.]

What's what? [ he's being weird if john has actually noticed he's being weird. dave makes an effort to stop thinking what he's thinking - some plaintive version of will you please remember me when i'm back to being dead mixed with dirk was nice and it feels somewhere between good and bad and i can't explain that to you or anyone else very well and i think i'm afraid of sleeping now.

forces himself to smile at john, the motion easy as he opens a new file again. this time he focuses on what he's doing and starts drawing chickens. ]

Can we keep five? Ryan Gosling.

[He normally would let the subject go, but for once he presses.] Yeah, we can keep five. If you talk to me. [It's a pretty weak bargain, but.] You're quiet. You didn't even make fun of my shitty art.

[He's watching the chicken art though.]

It's just the usual bullshit. Don't worry too much. [ "the usual" and he means their disastrous attempts to date about talking about or avoiding the issue of dave dying.

it's stupid. he's died so many times before. why does the finality change things? or is it just knowing that the only person here who is properly "his" without any other dave having a better claim on them is vriska? jake had been frustrated at things being confusing and not having the right dave and dirk had told him about some heart to heart the real dave had with him and john might someday feel the same and it sucks.

you're so wrapped up in your own doom you can't recognize it in other people, dave thinks to himself. ]

I get wrapped up in things that don't matter sometimes. [ himself. feelings. distractions he spins out of the air. ] The acclimation should happen any day now.

[ or the extra people will force him to act acclimated better. either or. ]

[Ah. As usual, he's supposed to ignore it.]

Do you trust me?

Of course.

Then don't you think I would worry about stuff anyway? This kind of stuff matters to me.

..Yeah. Sorry. I'll like... [ he has no idea what the fuck he will do actually. ] I'm working on caring less.

[ that sounds like a decent course of action honestly. at some point he has to come to terms with the truth.

now is as good a time as any, maybe. ]

I'm kind of being an asshole about it. My bad.

That wasn't exactly where I was going with that. [There's a sigh.] Help me out here, dude. I do not know how to make things better.

What do you want me to do? [ to make things better for john, he means. ] I can like...stay out whenever I have nights like this and just find somewhere else to be?

How does you extracting yourself from everything solve anything?

Then I won't...bother you with it?

[ look. ]

[...just...an eyeroll...before he bodily rolls and sprawls himself over Dave's back and firmly planting his forehead into his spine.

It's drastic and dumb but apparently Dave still needs grounding.]

Still not where I was going with that.

[ jfc john what the fuck are you doing...dave tries to roll over to get him off? he likes the contact yes but he reacts like that's a wrestling move and tries to get on top of john instead. ]

Dude.

[The new plan is to be weird and knock Dave out of whatever funk he's in. Is it working? Who the fuck knows, but Dave moves and John flips a little, trying not to land on his back even when his hands fly up to Dave's shoulders.]

Dude!

[ who the fuck knows, dave is actively trying to get john pinned on his back now though.

he doesn't have the strength stats for this but he's too frustrated and determined to talk as he...tries that. ]

[Maybe Jake was onto something when he was talking about wrestling?? As it is though he's grappling and yeah, Dave doesn't have the strength stats but he does have the speed stats which means he can switch his grip pretty easily as John loses balance and falls with a thump on his back.

So. Sufficient (?) pinned. And glaring a little, but here they are.]

[ no don't listen to jake? dave doesn't actually like to wrestle but once he does manage to get john on his back he.

doesn't know what to do next because what the fuck is wrestling so he just drops john's wrists and sits up mostly on top of john and runs a hand through his hair, opening his mouth to speak and then.

stalling out for a second.

assuming john doesn't try to shove him off, after a second he stops staring into the space of the laptops to kind of glare down at john. ]

Sometimes, [ sometimes? ] sometimes I think about things I used to say or do, and I think. Wow, I was a giant asshole. Because I was. To Davesprite, and other people. And I think - I think he probably did hate that name. And when I said he didn't care, I thought too much of myself. Or I underestimated what it's...like. To talk to people. Who aren't yours and who want the right version. Or to know that you're not going to matter anymore. I never used to think about what happened after the martyr thing happened because there wasn't meant to be an after. Not for the person who died.

[ but homestuck is stupid. so that's a thing. and he never quite...came to terms with that. dying? sure. been there done that, willing to do it again even here.

but how are you meant to pick up the pieces of it all? ]

And it feels so fucking stupid because I'm meant to be happy you survived and that there's a timeline where everyone did and I'm not supposed to mind that I'm not there or that I died because we've all died, a million times. I'm not special.

[ about dying. ]

So why can't I get over this?

[He should probably push Dave off of him but instead he's more hooked on the fact that Dave's trying to talk to him. That's what he's been trying to get at this whole evening, so it's fine, clearly.]

...probably because, like you said, there was not meant to be an after. We weren't supposed to come here and it would have meant the end game where you were from the doomed timeline and didn't have to see the results of what happened. I think maybe it's okay? To think this whole thing isn't fair. Because it really is not. To you or Vriska.

[He's thought about that a lot, too.] Terezi asked me when we got here if being here was my fault and I did not have an answer. But if it is, I'm sorry. I didn't want to drag you guys through life after death because that seems shitty. Bird you was kind of a huge pain in the ass and a little callous at times. But putting it like that, maybe I can kind of see where he was coming from. It's not like we were his versions.

[Silence.] On the other hand, I think you are forgetting something. You kind of are my version. Even if you're not "the right version" or alpha Dave anymore or whatever, you are still my version, just like Jade is and just like Rose is so it doesn't matter about when we go back. If this works out the way things are supposed to, I am going to know the difference. So I want to spend as much time as possible with the right version before anything else happens. You just make it really hard sometimes when I still do not know what you're actually thinking and like. I get it? You don't always have to tell me. But that is where I stand on that.

Until you go back. [ he's your version until you go back, he means.

dave isn't moving and he's still staring at john like he's a puzzle dave just doesn't know how to solve. ]

What is it you're wondering about? And it isn't your fault we're here, don't be stupid. It isn't even like we wouldn't be alive back there. At least until we were inevitably ghost murdered.

No, even after that. The alpha Dave, Rose, and Jade probably won't have all of the same memories as me, will they? If we're rewriting the entire timeline.

[He frowns a little.] I don't want you guys ghost murdered. And I think I just. [A pause.] What would be easier, telling me what your wish is, or being totally honest with me about everything?

They'll have every memory you ever have that comes after this. And that Dave will have every memory you ever had with him except maybe those over an accumulated like ten minutes.

[ on that planet, in his room.

effectively there wouldn't be anything "different" aside from the life he'd led up to then. would it change how he treated john? ]

What do you want me to be totally honest about?

[He bites the inside of his cheek.] I don't care. I know it's what we have to do but now that I have had time to think about it, I don't know if that's really the only way.

[But there's a frown.] What you're thinking, mostly. You're still pretty far away, man.

It's what happens. [ but that's pointless and he shies away from the topic again. ] I can't...tell you everything I'm thinkin'.

[ he says can't with a certain weird finality, but some of it isn't related to his death or john at all. ]

You can always ask. But some of it is just...

[ too heavy? too dark? too much? ]

Tonight. I think...

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