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....okay? [An awkward laugh. Yeah, Dave, is that it?] That is doable.

[ it's not it. he's just kind of floored and just...give him a second here. dave takes a step forward sort of hesitant and his left hand goes fairly slow to john's cheek and he's easy to dodge when he moves slow. but yeah. dave leans in to kiss his boyfriend so give him a second it's not a distraction this time.

he pulls back after a few seconds. ]

I kind of want to spend the rest of my life with you.

[ he figures maybe that sums up, but it's dave, so of course he keeps talking. ]

Only it's not kind of, and I always did, I just didn't always want - this. I wanted you to be my best friend and you knew that and I just wanted you to never leave in like. The little kid way where you see someone on the playground and you just know that's who you want to spend every recess with beacuse they're the most fun and I don't know where this analogy is going, okay, fuck. The point is I fell in love with you, or noticed I was, or whatever the fuck you want to call it, and I just. Want to spend the rest of my life with you. Regardless of whatever the fuck is goin' on in this goddamn city I just...want to spend it with you. And like, if the world is ending, that's fine, as long as you're with me.

[ his left hand didn't leave the side of john's face and his thumb sort of traces over a cheek and just. that's stupid. ]

And it's terrifying because that's the one thing I care about and I don't know what the fuck I'd do if I lost you. So sometimes I worry about - losing you, or you not wanting to stay or you wanting something else or -

[ it's stupid. he knows it's stupid. ]

Hey. I need to tell you something. Can we like - [ dave gestures down at the back yard, goes to the railing and just hops over the edge. he doesn't want to be on the balcony for some reason, though he snags his phone as he goes, slowing his fall only when he's almost at the ground. ]

[Luckily whenever Dave gets in one of these moods he doesn't have to say much. He easily meets him for that kiss but he also leans into Dave's hand, staring at him even as Dave continues to talk. His gaze is soft and quiet and he's not at all surprised to hear most of this. It's a sentiment he returns even if it's not as intently (in only that nobody can be as intense as Dave Strider with these kind of things) but it's hard not to immediately say "me too" and not mean it.

In the end, he doesn't have to say anything and he nods when Dave asks him to move.

Sometimes he remembers that his beautiful boyfriend is also a very confusing creature. As it is, Dave pulls back and he doesn't hesitate to follow him, not afraid of the heights and jumping down to float to the ground.]

...inside? Or stay out here? [There's a pause.] I will address everything you just said, I promise, but if there is something else I want to hear it.

I don't want to be in the house. [ a flippant sort of answer but he reaches for john's hand and drags him over and out onto the grass and he shoves John over like that's. at all what you do with a boyfriend because dave does not, himself, want to sit on the potentially cold and wet grass alone.

but he'll sit down next to john after, legs crossed and elbows on his knees. ]

So, [ his eyes skate around and he has his shades off up in his hair still so it's obvious he's trying not to look at john until he does. dave's mouth thins into a pale line and he thinks about it but like. okay, yes, probably - ] what do you remember about Bro?

[ it's the thing he probably needs to fucking tell john so john has the goddamned context. dave remembers too much of it to pretend that it doesn't shine through in everything he does. ]

[He follows and even when Dave shoves him over he floats gracefully to sit on the grass. Once they're both seated he leans back on his hands, staring straight ahead so he doesn't put pressure on Dave and he waits for the question.

Granted, that's not really a question he anticipated so there's a moment of confusion as he blinks.]

Um. [Hm. What does he remember?] Not much, I guess. I remember talking about him sometimes with you and with Rose but I never met him or anything if that's what you mean.

Yeah, okay. [ cool.

COOL.

dave sighs, runs a hand through his - fuck his shades. he startles to like catch them before they fall, and just captchalogues them. he doesn't try to fix his half messed-up hair, but just looks at his hands and looks at the ground and looks at the sky and then he finally like shifts and looks at john. ]

He was kind of an abusive bag of dicks. [ he's nineteen. he can just say the word. he knows what it's like right now to not be raised like that, he can see the differences, but that's the life he remembers first usually.

he's told john before that it's the life that comes to mind most readily these days, the set of memories they gain from that other world, and he reacts based off of it sometimes. ] I remember - he didn't really do...emotion, we strifed a lot, there wasn't. Food. There were weapons everywhere. That kind of thing.

[ it's a rushed and brief explanation and murmured in dave's soft voice but he's trying to explain. ]

He taught me not to - I don't - [ a throwaway gesture. ] When you tell me you love me and things, I believe you, I trust you, I just - there's this voice, this thirteen year old kid in my head who goes you're not good enough and it's not. About you. Not usually, not always. Sometimes it's about the whole John didn't like guys thing but it's. I never told you, but sometimes it's about the Dave got raised fucked up in one lifetime thing.

[ he stares at john, trying to see if that...

clicked. did anything. made anything make sense. ]

It's what I didn't want people to know.

[Part of it gets jumbled just by nature of the way that Dave talks, but it's enough that the words "child abuse" sink in and John finds himself clenching his jaw a little. It's not something he wanted to think of as a possibility but now that he's mentioned it, it makes sense.

He hates that it makes sense, and he goes quiet again.]

...when did you remember? [His tone is low and steady, anger underlying. It's not directed at Dave, of course, but he doesn't know what to do.]

April. [ a mutter. ] Last year. I mean, I suspected by like - earlier. But that's the first time I remembered one of the strifes. Middle of the night. Woke up and went out without a jacket and tried to break into the zoo because I couldn't chill my shit and didn't have anyone to talk to about it.

[ he runs his left hand through his hair again. this time no shades dislodge. ]

I was a little bitch about it for a long time honestly and I didn't like people really touching me so much after that and after shit like that kept coming back or not like suddenly or whatever and I remember flipping out about the scars and how I don't even remember getting all of them just some? And I freaked out on you about the trolls meetup thing because, I don't know, my logic at the time was they might remember - watching, like they used to watch our lives, but this time they'd recognize what was going on and I didn't wanna like. Deal? With Vantas or Ami or whoever knowing that about me. For a long time I figured it was way safer to just not help people remember things just in case they got enough to start in on it with me.

[ it was maybe stupid.

he still doesn't really want to talk about it with the average citizen. ]

You showed up months after and it was like, finally, the best part of everything I remembered and it was. The best day.

[So. A lot of things make sense suddenly and there's understanding dawning on him after a moment. It makes a large amount of sense suddenly why Dave was so adamantly against everything back then and why he kept his shirt on all the time and why he wouldn't explain certain things.

He doesn't say anything for a moment because...it's both logical and illogical. It's irrational in some places but he can understand the justifications behind it.]

So. A protection thing. [He remembers showing up nearly a year ago and even hearing that is strange to him.] ...was it really that good even when I didn't remember literally anything about us?

Yeah. [ dave shifts closer suddenly, sliding his arms around his boyfriend and more or less resting his head between john's shoulder and neck. ] Home base. Talking to you calms me down, I don't know. I mean, yeah, I get annoyed at you sometimes and frustrated and whatever because I'm not perfect and you ain't either but when I can't get out of my head, talking to you helps.

[An arm just as immediately loops around Dave's back to support him.]

Then...keep talking to me. About whatever. Even if I am bad at it sometimes I will always listen.

I just wanted you to know. [ it's muttered, but hey. ] Because I - the stuff. About the rest of my life. You said you had stuff to say about all that. I just want you to know.

[ he kind of pulls back but it's just enough so he can look john in the eyes really. ]

I told you last year I'd tell you when I was ready and I just. Felt ready. So. Sorry for the long wait, babe.

[Give him a second to dart forward and kiss him. He lets it linger for a few moments before pulling back, still holding Dave all the same.]

First off, I love you. And I'm glad you told me and that you felt like you could. And second of all, even knowing that does not change my mind about wanting to be with you. Just so you understand that.

[ dave kisses back. it's easy and simple and sweet and he's used to these moments, now. the only times he ever froze up, really, were...well, the first time john ever kissed him.

he's more used to it now than he was then, eight months or so ago. ]

No, I know. I mean, I think I know. It's - I'm not sure you ever get over it, but I'm doing okay. Like, I. [ he hesitates, then figures he may as well try to explain why he's been weird which he's been trying to do? sort of. ] I haven't really done it a lot, but like...taking off my shirt with you, or whatever. Is okay now? I'm okay with that. I don't know, I wasn't really comfortable with it for a while, and I didn't really think about things like -

[ he pulls back, a hand running through his hair. ]

I only brought up the thing the other month. Because I do think about it now and I, I dunno, want you closer. I guess. Is what that was about. It's kinda transferrin' over to other people too - I mean, not the sex bullshit, just, I dunno, I'm more used to it again. People touching me or whatever, it was just a little much for a long time and I still don't like it as a surprise if it ain't you, but like.

[ this sounds so confused. ]

I don't know, I feel better lately.

[The fact that they've been dating for eight months is mindboggling and yet here we are.]

I don't think you ever get over that kind of thing either, but I'm glad to hear that. That makes me feel a little better. [He's holding on as well as he can while Dave's moving.]

...so you wanted a gauge of stuff before springing it on me since we have spent a long time in our relationship being slow and careful. Right? [...] For what it's worth, I like you without a shirt. And I think about being able to take the next step in our relationship a lot lately. I just didn't want to push it. We've talked about that, kind of, too.

More than anything though I'm just glad you're starting to feel better and more comfortable.

Kinda, yeah. I didn't want to do anything without...agreeing? [ it's why he stopped john the other month. ] And I didn't know how far I could push you.

[ he knows how far he can push himself, more or less. ]

Every time we bring it up I just say I want to talk about it before we go anywhere else, that ain't changed. I just, you know. Want both of us to be sure about whatever the fuck we do.

I know, I know. Consent is sexy, blah blah blah. [There's a light smile though.] ...I'm fine with talking about stuff, depending on what you want to do. I do not mind talking it out before trying anything.

You know I want to ask what you want to do. [ there's a snort of laughter, though. ] But I know the rules.

[ hot potato questions: try not to. he manages to actually keep his eyes on john's although dave does not manage to not flush a little bit. but whatever. it's embarrassing and he isn't the derse kid who actually had some sort of porn collection.

that was like every other sibling, more or less???

but if he can't fucking say what he wants, he shouldn't be doing it. so. ]

This conversation's all over the place, but what's fucking new? I'd like to, like, christ. I liked what we were doing, when I stopped you. So. That. Only not...stopping? But going to the point where if nothin' else like.

[ he's only getting more red. this is stupid. john has SEEN sbahj, why is it easier to be crude about bullshit in comics and not in real life when he's nervous about managing to say something his boyfriend isn't okay with?

besides that part. about. that exactly. ]

Goddamnit. Okay. Like, things I'm chill with that we don't actually have to do until you are, too, if ever: like, frottage is what I was sort of tryin' to get across, or lemme give you a handjob.

[ also, murder him. dave actually managed the entire thing not flinching or looking away. he just got flushed and muttery and texan. ]

...You know, like. Whenever. If you want someday. Is what I wanted to throw on the table. Also on a weird note I kinda wanna trace that with my tongue but I figure you'll just laugh at that one and let me anyway if I ever wanted. [ vague gesture to john's right wrist. ] So yeah that's my bullshit.

[ the vague gesture ends with his hand at the back of his neck, making him look awkward and nineteen. which. he is? ]

[He's steadily raising his eyebrows as Dave continues to babble because for a moment he has legitimately no idea what the fuck he's asking for. As he continues though he's starting to figure it out and he just...tries not to chuckle because it's endearing and also he's a little nervous.]

...I cannot believe you just used the word frottage. [It's fine, he's a little flustered too even though he has absolutely no reason to given he's the one who's not a virgin here.] Like...yeah, that would be a thing I am okay with someday. Like a soonish someday, since we should probably start from the bottom and work our way up?

...why do you want to lick my tattoo though? [He'll go over his shit in a bit.]

Oh my god shut up. [ he shoves at john's face with his hand. ] And just because? I don't know, it occurred to me one day and I was like "oh, yeah, I want to do that". And I used the word because I am trying to be the adult here. I'm older than you.

[ dave makes a face, though. ]

Next time I have to say shit about this I'm just going to use extended metaphors and say fuck you, though.

[He starts laughing behind Dave's hand.]

Yeah, sure. You are older than me but I can handle other words besides frottage. [He looks amused nevertheless.] ...you can lick me all you want, I don't care.

[WORDING, MAYBE.] Babe. I'm teasing but I am glad you're at least talking to me instead of me going at this blind. I love you but I'm also not going to be an asshole that tries to do things either of us aren't ready for. Okay?

[ an annoyed noise and he leans in to lick up john's neck instead. then he just drapes and hides there. ] I know you're not. It's why I always stopped you. I just don't know where you're at now.

[A light shiver, but he's letting Dave settle immediately.] You could ask. I know, what a wild concept.

Goddamnit, Egbert, just tell me before I strangle you or somethin'. [ romantic. it's softened when he just places a too gentle kiss to john's neck as an apology for nerves. ]

...for a while, yeah, I was a little weirded out about actually going far enough that you were getting anywhere near my dick. [May as well be honest? The kissing helps to be fair.] And then I started thinking about it and it's just you. I would rather it be you than literally anyone else because that is what it means to be in a commitment with someone. Scary shit that you work through together.

So like. I'm not scared of you doing it. I'm scared of somehow fucking it up because dude, sex is awkward. Like. Always. The first time you fool around with anyone it is extremely awkward.

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