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[That's irritating. Dirk absolutely doesn't want Dave by his side. With Dave beside him, Dirk feels painfully conscious of how tiny Dave is compared to the massive leviathan before them, twisting away into darkness.]

You sure about that? Sounded like you were ready to start laying down the taunts. [To make its point, the Reaper sings back at them: notes from the song Dave learned. (Ughhh. Dirk didn't regret singing that to the Reaper at the time, but now he really does.) Its mandibles curl inwards.] Pretty sure that's your way of sayin' it's on.

[It's like talking to Squarewave. You fuck around with a sylladex before battling him most the time, and now he assumes that always means you want to fight. Except instead of an adorable, endearing puppy of a robot, it's a giant monster that constantly gets on Dirk's nerves.]

It isn't, because we're not the Jets or the Sharks. So no thanks.

[The Reaper, unfortunately, is pushy and arrogant. What a fucking surprise. Dirk hates him so much.]

If you're worried you can't protect your brother while I kick your ass, just say so. I'll take him out first.

[ ah. dave slants a narrow-eyed gaze towards dirk, not that he can see it behind the shades, but...the furrowed brows and slight downturn of his lips is probably hint enough. dave knows that song better than anyone else on the base, he's pretty sure. the reefbacks helped him refine it. he taught it to the magister.

he'd shared it with dirk. ]

Dude.

[ he's not clear on who he's addressing, though honestly it could be either of the people around. or...the monster or the person. dave doesn't want to get into it because 1: waking up after dying fucking sucks, he can confirm and 2: no? but waking himself up will do jack shit because of dirk's stupid heart player problem that apparently won't let him fully wake up. according to dirk.

who is a biased source. ]

No one's fightin' anyone here.

[There's a moment of silence as the Reaper considers them both. Then it snorts, a single short sound more superiority than mirth. (Dirk wonders if people find it that obnoxious when he laughs. Probably.) The Reaper draws back from them.]

Damn. Looks like I made myself the impetus for a family heart-to-heart.

See you if you're ever allowed back here, bro.

[The Reaper, clearly very amused with this turn of events, retreats into the Void. Dirk wants to go with it. And not to pick a fight.

He looks very cautiously at Dave, but he doesn't say anything. He just waits for Dave to say something instead.]

Edited 2016-06-24 00:28 (UTC)

[ well thanks for the direct confirmation on dave's huge suspicion there which was pretty much confirmed by the song anyway? like. wow.

what a dick?????????

dave...

looks sideways at dirk, but doesn't say a thing for the moment. like in a silence off he will probably lose but he is at least making an effort here mostly because he at least wants to wait until he figures out something to say that isn't as pissed off as everything going through his head.

he is probably just going to end up saying one of those things in a minute, though. ]

[Dirk hates that Reaper so much.

Which. You know. Is not unrelated to why Dirk is very sure he's about to get his ass thoroughly grounded. What an embarrassing and stupid way for this to happen. And he was doing a really good job holding onto the big brother title. In the span of the silence, Dirk comes up with a hundred excuses and justifications that he promptly sets aside.

There really is only one thing to say, huh?]

Sorry.

[ okay that should help stop dave from saying one of the pissed off things he was going to say - ]

Dude, what the fuck were you thinking?

[ except not really because even after that silence dave didn't come up with anything he actually wanted to say more. which. granted he has done some truly stupid shit but at least his stupid shit is more overextending himself or thinking he doesn't matter (which, well, usually he doesn't?) than it is this weird deathseeking thing that dirk seems to be locked into. ]

Like, you had to specifically be hidin' this for a reason and that reason had to be "wow this is a terribad idea which Dave would completely fuckin' hate, better never tell him about it because that's better than like, just avoidin' doing the thing in the first place"?

[ well. he is the more chatty brother. dirk usually does this with looks that make dave want to curl up and die because wow disappointment is a heavy weight but dave's just going the only way he knows how: running his mouth. ]

Are you sorry for the gettin' caught out part or the like, doing a stupid thing part, btw, I need to know so I know where on the scale of one to Vantas level rage I am here.

[Yup. Disappointment sure is a heavy weight there. Dirk doesn't exactly shrink, but his gut twists up even as his body language stays exactly the same. He trained himself out of those instincts a long time ago—curling up, hunching his shoulders, things that make you smaller and less threatening. Prey animal instincts, social animal instincts. Nothing that has any place on a one-man killing machine living up to his brother's legacy.

So he doesn't make himself small to appease the person shouting at him, but he still feels small. He feels infinitesimal, atomic. A stupid quark regretting its fuck-ups.]

There isn't any other situation where it would be safe to practice against them. Yes, I knew you wouldn't approve. I kinda got the memo on that a while back.

But your position isn't rational and you know it. I know it isn't, because I'd be just as upset if you were the one fighting them for practice. That's why I hid it. The only potential negative outcome from dream Strifing Reapers would be you getting hurt. The fights were completely safe.

[ dave leans back just a hair, like something in that was a physical blow, his expression shutting down immediately. wow. okay then. dave...wants to cut and run like usual. being genuine without layers of distractions takes an effort on dave's part or a particular person on the other end of the conversation. he's never really liked arguments and he's mostly gotten out of them by changing the topic to something else (occasionally also an argument). he's managed to mostly get shit out with dirk, but this is a little different.

or it just became a little different. ]

Fine. Whatever. I'm going to wake up now. [ ...

...

shit he really needs to learn to wake up on command. dave idly considers dreaming up a sword to run himself through with but no that's a dumbass idea ugh where are nightmares when he fucking needs them nowhere is where. rose probably knows how to force yourself to wake up when you're dreaming. he'll have to ask her whenever he manages to. actually wake the fuck up. ]

Okay, fuck, I'm going to wake up in like. Five minutes.

[ it's probably not going to happen but good luck with that anyway dave. ]

[That's ... That's not what he wanted. He didn't know what he wanted but he wasn't going to lie. He couldn't lie, say, Yeah sorry, that was a shitty thing, I feel like I was in the wrong and I'm sorry. He doesn't feel like he was in the wrong. This was a good thing. He understands a lot more about how Reapers fight now, he knows a lot more about how to engage with them. He knows next time he has to face one for real, he'll stand a much better chance.

Except Dave is upset and that is exactly what he didn't want. And Dave has never—reacted like this? It feels like going back to square one. "This man is a sociopathic robot, do not engage." Except worse.]

...Dave?

[A higher pitch to that monotone: fear and vulnerability. Dirk doesn't mean to do it but he recognizes it when it's in his own ears. He can't look away from his brother.]

Please don't go when we're fighting.

I don't... know how I'm supposed to respond to that. I mean, I'm assuming you don't want me to send you a hundred desperate text messages, but that's literally all I've got for responses to driving someone off with my dismal self, so that's me basically stumped. I don't know how I fucked up, and I know it isn't your occupation to tell me. That would be a full-time career with a 401k and everything.

But please don't leave.

Edited 2016-06-24 01:35 (UTC)

We're not fighting.

[ like, okay, they are definitely fighting but dave clearly just decided that he wasn't going to fight this so clearly he should be allowed to...run away to rose who would immediately smile at him and smack him or something, probably. okay. new plan: don't go to rose for sympathy when you can't even adequately explain to her or anyone else why you're upset.

but he hears the higher pitch and that's. weird enough to throw him, even though he doesn't loosen up. dirk's never really broken monotone except to tell him to stop trying the time thing.

he's not sure which thing to trust here. dirk, who wants to know how he fucked up and sounds at least mildly upset, or the shadow of who dirk could be. is? he's usually decent at keeping bro and dirk in separate boxes in the sanctity of his own mind, but sometimes dave realizes that the separate box thing isn't really real and he wonders if an evil puppet is really all it would take to make that transition. he really tries not to wonder that, because that's stupid and neurotic and he shouldn't think it.

but at least in this case he maybe should have. it'd have made it hurt less. and did dirk even fuck up? he'd pointed out the facts and the facts were...battle data was important. there was only one potential loss from the battles, and it was an acceptable one. there was absolutely no reason to fight over it because how do you argue with logic? ]

Also, I have no idea how to wake up and it was my fuckup anyway, not yours. I know my getting hurt is an acceptable loss against strategic advantage, okay?

[ he was just momentarily stupid enough to think that wasn't a thing dirk believed. not at first, because that was never a thing bro believed, but dirk kept adjusting when dave got upset which was...weird and probably unnecessary really? feelings were less important than doing the rational thing in battle. he knew that. bro taught him that.

it was idiotic as fuck to let the adjustment thing get his guard down to the point where he got overconfident and thought that his feelings were relevant to decisions made. so he just needs to like. readjust his own expectations.

holy shit why did he actually believe that was a thing that was true for even five minutes, that was stupid and great job setting him up to feel like he got stabbed past dave, you're a real fucking pal here.

dirk was right, too, it's completely irrational and he doesn't really have a reason to be upset. dirk wasn't going to get hurt in a dream battle. the data was necessary. is he supposed to be the one apologizing for overreacting? he'd rather just get the hell out of dodge, but just ending the argument seems like a safe enough choice for now since the absconding isn't an option. ]

You did the rational thing, there's nothin' more to discuss. It's fine.

[ while dirk's tone had changed a little dave's stays perfectly even and calm. he's fine, this is fine. ]

It isn't!

[Dirk hears his own voice rise and it startles him. That's something he hasn't done a lot in his life. Twice? Maybe. Either way, he's jerked back, the volume a surprise even to him. He wants to reach out but he doesn't know how because he worked out the stupid thing he did and now he's scared that he can never make it unhappen. Why couldn't he get the Time powers? Go back in time and slap yourself silly before you say something stupid. A dead Dirk is worth it if it keeps Dave happy. Or at least mad at him, but not hurt by him. He really, really doesn't what to hurt Dave. But hey, he isn't a Knight of Time. He doesn't protect people. He just fucks everything up. Thanks, Sburb, for telling him what he already knew.]

Dave. It isn't acceptable. I only did this because I thought I could keep it from happening. I was arrogant, okay? Arrogant and stupid. I felt sure I could keep you from finding out so I didn't think it mattered as long as you didn't know. I thought I was smart enough at this to stop you from hearing about it and getting hurt, and I thought that if I did this I could keep you from ever getting hurt by a Reaper again. Surprise, I'm a fuckin' idiot. So much of an idiot that I have to keep learning how much of an idiot I am.

[Dirk reaches for Dave and then stops, his fingers curling around water. He doesn't know how to make Dave believe him. He doesn't know, but he has to try. He can't let Dave think this.]

I didn't weigh you against the strategy. I wouldn't. I understand if you can't believe that, but it's true. Because if I ever did, you'd always come up on top.

I don't know what I can do to convince you of that. But the rational thing doesn't mean anything when it comes to you.

Edited 2016-06-24 02:31 (UTC)

[ the slight rise in the pitch of dirk's voice had been weird. the raising of dirk's voice actually stops dave dead, although it's not a thing bro had ever done. the monotone is something dave is more than used to and he doesn't usually have too much trouble guessing dirk's mood from other cues. he's had a lifetime of experience with someone scary similar to dirk in certain ways when it comes to bearing. and some of the things seem to be shared between dirk and dave, which dave guesses is because dirk watched all those interviews of post-scratch dave. he'd never actually expected to hear dirk raise his voice. and especially not in this particular context.

he...

wants to believe what dirk's saying so badly because he spent thirteen years convincing himself bro as aloof and he would have killed anyone bro had wanted to hear something even approaching this, including himself.

but dave is also pretty certain he doesn't want to take another hit like this. ]

You can't say shit like that. [ dirk might assume he means the part about how dave interpreted his other statement, but dave completely means the stuff dirk is saying right now about how dave is important because it's completely unfair and he wants to believe in it too, too much and it makes him irrational and he gets expectations and clearly that's a terrible idea all around? it'd taken him three years to even begin to untangle the mess bro had left behind.

or maybe dirk knows exactly what he means. he's too astute sometimes and too obtuse others and dave's never sure which dirk he'll be getting at any given time. dave's poker face is cracking into frustration again, his own voice rising a little. ]

[This is different than feeling small. This is different than feeling like a disappointment. This is feeling like poison, like sickness. He looks at Dave, he hears him, and he tastes krypton in his throat.]

No? Too bad. 'Cause it's the truth. And if you don't want me hiding things from you, then you're not going to get it.

[He knows it's dramatic and stupid, but he knows that his silhouette would be a nightmare with a change in headgear. So he changes it. Dirk pulls off his shades. Orange eyes, directly on Dave. He doesn't care if it's melodrama. He needs Dave to believe him.]

You want to know the truth about me being rational? I was bullshitting you and me both. I told you it was to get an advantage, but it isn't really, that's just what I said to justify coming back for these fights. The truth is that when I heard that Reaper talk to me in my own fucking voice, I wanted nothing more than to make it shut up. I didn't rationally decide that your pain was worth learning how to fight them; I just tricked myself into thinking you'd never find out. The exact same way I tricked myself into thinking it's rational to Strife them instead of admitting to myself that it's just my totally irrational mind going through another one of its batshit double loop-the-loop rollercoaster trips of a thought process to justify more narcissistic self-destruction.

So no, it wasn't the rational thing, and no, you getting hurt isn't an acceptable loss against a strategic advantage. That was never what this was about. This was me, being a self-absorbed dick, again, and thinking I could escape the consequences of my fuck ups.

[He takes a breath. Water in his lungs but it feels like air. He's pretty sure he's about to break the shades in his fist, but hey, it's just a dream. Who cares?]

You deserve better than that. You're worth more than that. I'm sorry for everything I did and said to act against that.

[

what the fuck. dave shorts out for a second because: ]

You took off your shades? [ like that's a question? dirk's holding the shades in his hand. dave should probably have had a more profound reaction to dirk saying everything he just said but he keeps record scratching on the fact that bro took off his shades?

well. not bro. dirk. ]

Holy fucking shit you took off your shades. Do you like orange soda because your eyes are orange? Apples are red maybe that's why I like them what the fuck your shades.

[ he. might need a minute or two here. dave.exe needs to reboot. he dissolves into muttering that is semi-audible and most of which seems to be about thinking the shades were like, surgically attached to (bro's) dirk's face and how the fuck hasn't he stabbed himself with them anyway dave totally stabbed himself on them when he was a kid and what the fuck what the fuck

his shades

dave is occasionally a dumbass, news at eleven. dirk obviously probably takes them off to sleep and shit but NOT WHILE AWAKE AND TALKING or...dream-awake fuck his life that this is a term ]

Edited 2016-06-24 03:56 (UTC)

I like orange soda because it's what you left me?

Orange soda and Doritos.

[This is so Dave. This is so, ridiculously Dave. But Dirk isn't going to push it. Dave is babbling, but he's pretty sure Dave heard what was important. Dirk can beg for Dave to tell him what he can do to prove how much he means later.

Right now, he will go along with this.]

Also, some apples are green or yellow, and apple juice is not red.

[He doesn't put the shades back on.]

You left the shades behind for me. With the orange soda.

Edited 2016-06-24 04:03 (UTC)

Ok but the apples on aj bottles are almost always red so your argument is super invalid? Clearly the apple that is the most apple is red. Although I like those red-green ones, that kind of look like a pile of autumn leaves? I hope one of our trees grows those kinds of fuckin' apples but there's legitimately no way to tell at this stage.

[ that's definitely how that works. yeah. dave's...okay, dave's mostly rambling as he tries to process what dirk said earlier although he's record-scratching on that whole thing, too. ]

Stable fuckin' timeloops. Even if you scratch shit, some things don't change, and it's always the dumbest details? Like what the fuck. The exact same shades on my face or yours, Rose's absurd love for old wrinkly dudes with beards and magic sticks, the Lalonde obsession with cats. Those things aren't genetic in the least but the universe treats 'em like they are?

[ dave gets irrationally angry about time shenanigans sometimes just because wow time travel sucks he can attest first hand?????? it's so dumb. SO DUMB. and yet he keeps doing it anyway. ]

Do you really think I'm worth more.

[ with absolutely no segue we're back to topic one. ]

Yes.

[He can say it immediately because he knew it would happen. That's how Dave works. He is coming to understand that better, the more time he spends with him. The more times he fucks up and then scrambles to repair his mistakes. But spending all this time with Dave makes him feel like he can repair his mistakes. Like the things he does, the ways he fucks up, aren't irreversible truths of his shitty personality. He can atone for what he has done, and he can work as hard as possible to stop from doing it again.]

I know it.

I'll try to show you that. No more dream Strifes, to start. I'll find other ways.

Huh.

[ dave says, like he...well. he doesn't know what to say to that and it's probably fairly obvious he doesn't believe it, considering he's asked dirk something very like this before. this seems to be a state of affairs dave never quite believes entirely, even when he assures people he does.

as shown by how quick he'd been to go "oh, so it wasn't a thing after all" at the slightest implication it wasn't a thing.

he's used to it not being a thing. ]

...Other ways to show me that or other ways to antagonize Reapers.

[ he

thinks it's the first one but ]

Other ways to show you.

[He doesn't mind clarifying. In fact, he'll clarify further.]

I won't fight Reapers without your permission.

Or anything.

I won't fight anyone or anything without your permission.

[No Strifes ever again without Dave's okay. But one small step to proving how much he cares about Dave's happiness and well-being: putting one of his favourite hobbies on the table as a condition for Dave to decide.

He is still holding his anime glasses in his hand as a dramatic gesture so really this kind of attempt at demonstrating his earnestness shouldn't surprise anyone.]

I...dude, what the fuck?

[ why does dirk have no chill settings why did dave get any and all chill in this family line - wait, shit, all the chill clearly came matrilineally through roxy. and skipped rose entirely. because dave is almost entirely sure he can see where this offer can go wrong. ]

No you can keep like fighting robots and whatever shit you get up to for legitimate training purposes we already agreed on that, and please tell me you're not including self-defense in this offer because knowing you and your complete lack of chill I somehow think you're including self-defense in this offer like a complete moron.

[ oh my god save dave from his brother and or the migraine dave has just decided to name dirk ]

I assume you'd want me to fight to protect my life or others'. I figured I should use a strict definition of self-defence that's purely reactive, rather than a looser, more pro-active definition of the term.

[Sometimes, Dirk is a very emotional person. Other times he talks like a robot with faulty processing.

Sometimes they are the same time.]

I don't want to upset you again?

Yes? That's an assumption that is an obvious given. Example of a looser, pro-active definition of the term, please. Do you mean like starting fights just because you think someone is going to start a fight or what?

[ but sure he...supposes that is the definition he uses for self-defense?

dave is almost sure this will end stupidly. as most things they do together do. ]

And I said it was fine, so. It's fine.

[ dave isn't Superb at closing arguments or figuring out what to do after them, but the whole hugging while rambling thing has mostly become his mainstay and he hasn't made any move to do that. dirk said he didn't know what to do after a fight. or during one.

dave's not actually that much better. like, if it were rose or john or jade or karkat, sure, he'd have a clue. well. at least half a clue. but dirk is still uncharted waters and both of them keep falling into every single pitfall that exists. ]

You were lying.

[So it wasn't fine. This is more important than his definition of pro-active self-defence. He just is going to point out. Dave said it was fine but he was lying and Dirk knows it and so does Dave. In fact, he's going to elaborate. Because that's what Dave has opened himself up to here.]

Any time I upset you, it isn't fine. Regardless of whether or not you think it's okay for me to upset you. I'm your brother, and I shouldn't hurt you. That's just how it is.

I don't know a lot about having a family. But my understanding is that your family is meant to support you, not tear you down.

[So. Yes. There's that.

He wants to put his shades back on because it feels weird not to have them on, but he can't until he feels like his message has gotten across. Really, it isn't like he's that much more expressive without them. He's still the same socially-defunct wire monkey he always has been. There's just less of an obvious reason when people miss the microscopic changes in his expression.

The curving inward of brows in confusion, the twist of the mouth in pain, the tightness of his chest. All the normal things normal people do, but smaller. Quieter. Quieter like his voice, because what's the point of learning to speak up when there's no one around to hear you?]

Edited 2016-06-24 05:32 (UTC)

[ nnngh okay yes he was lying (he's still lying) but most people wouldn't be able to call him on his crap so he still tries it with dirk sometimes. well. rose can call him on it half of the time but he still does it with her, too.

dave hesitates for a minute or two in complete silence, before reaching up and taking off his own shades, hooking them over the collar of his shirt.

he crosses his arms as a sort of replacement barrier without thinking about it. but the last thing dave wants is all the power in any relationship, because he's been on the other side of that and it fucking sucks. what he wants (what he has trouble articulating) is give and take on equal ground. it's not like dirk can't read him even with his shades on, but hell, maybe it'll help. somehow.

maybe a serious conversation shouldn't be conducted behind a thousand different walls. dave can't possibly begin to take all of them down, but at least he can try to lower one. ]

I think they're the most capable of tearing you down. But yeah, that's probs the ideal here.

[ dave shrugs, one shoulder lifting and falling before he says: ]

It's not always going to be your fault though? You don't have all the context you need to avoid upsetting me completely, dude. I can't exactly blame people for doing shit they didn't know would trip some dumb fucking switch I shouldn't even have. I do not want Dave Strider Tantrum Bingo to be a thing, I am entirely fine with someone else having tantrum bingo on lockdown.

[ ... ]

I don't know a lot about having a family either, okay? Rose and I were always best friends first. I guess we sort of just toppled into siblingville naturally but it's not like we're aces at this shit. I'm not a stellar brother to her? Like. Fuckin' spiderbitch stepped up and staged an intervention for her sake and I just...couldn't. So idk if you think I know any more than you about this because of Rose or whatever but I assure you Rose and I are completely terrible at siblinghood except for the part where we give a fuck about one another.

Edited 2016-06-24 05:40 (UTC)

I didn't think that, as it happens.

I got the impression you don't know jack shit about how to properly have a family because I totally ruined that you. [His head tilts a fraction.] And I'm reasonably confident that I of all people should be able to anticipate those switches you have that other people don't.

[Dirk really can't accept Dave saying 'it's fine' and moving on. He believes Dave just doesn't know that's not okay. He really wants Dave to know it isn't.

Out of nowhere:]

I used to wonder if you had eyes like mine.

[He lets it come out, an uncontrolled deviance from the topic at hand. Something more at home from Dave's mouth than Dirk's. But it's something that Dirk thinks he ought to say. As if it could express something more than the words that make it.]

Maybe it isn't even about family? We're brothers, and that's really important to me. But honestly, I really care about you as you are. I would want to like brothers with you even outside of all the convoluted paradoxes of ectobiology. I'd still want to treat you better than I just did. I do want to be a better person to you than that.

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