parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 1.0;

You were lying.

[So it wasn't fine. This is more important than his definition of pro-active self-defence. He just is going to point out. Dave said it was fine but he was lying and Dirk knows it and so does Dave. In fact, he's going to elaborate. Because that's what Dave has opened himself up to here.]

Any time I upset you, it isn't fine. Regardless of whether or not you think it's okay for me to upset you. I'm your brother, and I shouldn't hurt you. That's just how it is.

I don't know a lot about having a family. But my understanding is that your family is meant to support you, not tear you down.

[So. Yes. There's that.

He wants to put his shades back on because it feels weird not to have them on, but he can't until he feels like his message has gotten across. Really, it isn't like he's that much more expressive without them. He's still the same socially-defunct wire monkey he always has been. There's just less of an obvious reason when people miss the microscopic changes in his expression.

The curving inward of brows in confusion, the twist of the mouth in pain, the tightness of his chest. All the normal things normal people do, but smaller. Quieter. Quieter like his voice, because what's the point of learning to speak up when there's no one around to hear you?]

Edited 2016-06-24 05:32 (UTC)

[ nnngh okay yes he was lying (he's still lying) but most people wouldn't be able to call him on his crap so he still tries it with dirk sometimes. well. rose can call him on it half of the time but he still does it with her, too.

dave hesitates for a minute or two in complete silence, before reaching up and taking off his own shades, hooking them over the collar of his shirt.

he crosses his arms as a sort of replacement barrier without thinking about it. but the last thing dave wants is all the power in any relationship, because he's been on the other side of that and it fucking sucks. what he wants (what he has trouble articulating) is give and take on equal ground. it's not like dirk can't read him even with his shades on, but hell, maybe it'll help. somehow.

maybe a serious conversation shouldn't be conducted behind a thousand different walls. dave can't possibly begin to take all of them down, but at least he can try to lower one. ]

I think they're the most capable of tearing you down. But yeah, that's probs the ideal here.

[ dave shrugs, one shoulder lifting and falling before he says: ]

It's not always going to be your fault though? You don't have all the context you need to avoid upsetting me completely, dude. I can't exactly blame people for doing shit they didn't know would trip some dumb fucking switch I shouldn't even have. I do not want Dave Strider Tantrum Bingo to be a thing, I am entirely fine with someone else having tantrum bingo on lockdown.

[ ... ]

I don't know a lot about having a family either, okay? Rose and I were always best friends first. I guess we sort of just toppled into siblingville naturally but it's not like we're aces at this shit. I'm not a stellar brother to her? Like. Fuckin' spiderbitch stepped up and staged an intervention for her sake and I just...couldn't. So idk if you think I know any more than you about this because of Rose or whatever but I assure you Rose and I are completely terrible at siblinghood except for the part where we give a fuck about one another.

Edited 2016-06-24 05:40 (UTC)

I didn't think that, as it happens.

I got the impression you don't know jack shit about how to properly have a family because I totally ruined that you. [His head tilts a fraction.] And I'm reasonably confident that I of all people should be able to anticipate those switches you have that other people don't.

[Dirk really can't accept Dave saying 'it's fine' and moving on. He believes Dave just doesn't know that's not okay. He really wants Dave to know it isn't.

Out of nowhere:]

I used to wonder if you had eyes like mine.

[He lets it come out, an uncontrolled deviance from the topic at hand. Something more at home from Dave's mouth than Dirk's. But it's something that Dirk thinks he ought to say. As if it could express something more than the words that make it.]

Maybe it isn't even about family? We're brothers, and that's really important to me. But honestly, I really care about you as you are. I would want to like brothers with you even outside of all the convoluted paradoxes of ectobiology. I'd still want to treat you better than I just did. I do want to be a better person to you than that.

Like orange or just freaky mutant bright? [ he addresses that first because of course he does, and tips his head to the side. ] Man, I don't even know what color eyes I thought you had.

[ he'd wondered about it sometimes but it's not like bro ever removed his shades? ever. at all. full stop. ]

Dude, for all you say you ruined it for me, and for all you can maybe guesstimate some of the shit or have at least heard like a pinch of context, you can't exactly extrapolate thirteen years from a few conversations about a dude who was flipped turnways. That's a stupid thing to expect yourself to be able to do? Like. What possible reason would you have for going "hey, maybe I should just never tell Dave to meet me on the roof" because where the fuck would you pull that from, a top hat you've yet to reveal that also includes a rabbit? Or like - I don't even fuckin' know, maybe that wouldn't phase me.

[ he didn't think dirk flashstepping would freak him the fuck out but yeah in retrospect yeah. dave's aware of some of the shit that would bug him but he doesn't plan on vocalizing most of it. because. that's a good idea.

it's still something so impossible, that dirk keeps saying he's Important and he wants to be brothers, and it's still something dave knows he's not going to be able to defend against. he's always been weak, and he's always known this. ]

It's not about how you treated me or whatever. [ like. it kind of is. ] That's not why I - it was just. [ ugh. ] There's a box, okay, two boxes, and normally I can sort 'em out and keep them apart and you just - sometimes I can't, and I'm not sure how much of the blame you can or should take for that.

[ dave's argument is getting confused here and he's not sure why he's arguing except he really doesn't want to admit to how not fine he is at the moment. ]

Mutant orange specifically.

[He'll clear that up for Dave so that Dave doesn't keep focusing on it. Or maybe so that Dave can keep focusing on it, because maybe having that nonsensical outlet helps him keep talking about the important things.

He wants to say, I think I should be able to make a reasonable estimation about the kinds of things I would do to you. He wants to, but he doesn't. Because Dave starts talking about two boxes, and after a moment, it clicks in Dirk's head what that actually means.

He drifts what would be a step closer to Dave through the water, but no more. He doesn't want to alarm him. His expression... softens, sort of, going from the tense, taut muscles of realization to something more relaxed.]

Okay. So what I'm understanding from this is that it probably isn't helpful to think about it in terms of responsibility.

Can we try looking at it another way? I did and said something. Those things upset you, and they'll continue to do that if I do them again. I don't want to upset you, so I'm going to do what I can to avoid them.

How does that sound?

Disappointed?

[ about the eyes, dave means. dave is of course still focusing on the eye topic because why wouldn't he be. the nonsensical outlet definitely helps him to keep up the serious portion of the conversation.

he hasn't relaxed yet himself, even if he's taken off his shades. but the suggestion that they don't talk about it in terms of responsibility at least gets dave to stop hunching his shoulders forward. and when had he started that, anyway? he hadn't noticed. ]

No one wins in the Strider blame games. So yeah, I can live with that.

[ it sounds easier to accept when it's put like that for some reason. which...is probably why dirk reworked his approach.

]

You're younger again, though.

No, I like it. Different shades, different eyes, but resembling. We get to be connected without being the same.

[He gives Dave a smile. It's a slight expression, but it's real. He does like being linked to Dave like this, even when he doubts he deserves to be.

An exhale slips out of him, water into water, as Dave agrees. The remix did work. That's a lesson for next time. Because there will be a next time, and he will do better.

Aw fuck.]

...I guess that's fair.

I mean, there's always the orange creamsicle version of me out there somewhere. Or...there was? I mean, I guess he might be fused with a cat now if Jade's whole cat lips thing was an indication of what the fuck happened to the guy. But I happen to think red is my color.

[ no offense to davesprite. ]

Hell yeah it's fair, so now I get, like, the perks. [ ...are there perks to being the older brother other than having the title? dave isn't sure. did dirk have perks for the last like month.

ugh. dave has to at least keep this title for a month. ]

Arquius went red, so I guess we traded. [Their lives are so weird? Dirk doesn't even get it.

But the wildfire in his head is a little quieter now that Dave is talking bullshit about older brother perks. Which do not exist at all. Dirk is confident he'll still be the one giving piggyback rides.]

Congratulations.

[Put it on your kiddie camper handysash.]

He's really muscular. [ #important conversational contributions

dave please

also obviously dirk will still be the one giving piggyback rides. when dave is the younger brother it is a younger brother perk but when he's older it's clearly an older brother perk???? that's how that works. yeah. ]

Maybe we should like, stop trying to hide shit from each other.

[ easier said than fucking done. dave, you haven't even been honest in this conversation alone? ]

I am planning on making that attempt.

Are you?

[Guess what, Dave?

Being the older brother doesn't spare you from this kind of thing. Sorry.]

[ well it should. unless dirk's the older brother again. because dave is a fucking hypocrite and knows it. ]

You pretty much know everything I get up to here, man. I think Wiz updates you on shit I do when you're not around, even?

Ain't answering the question, dude.

And also a direct contradiction about what you just claimed regarding your brain and me anticipating its every switch.

[Perhaps the real older brother was the friends we made along the way.]

It was not a fuckin' contradiction, you know that wasn't the kinda thing I was talking about. Anticipating what I'll do conversationally ain't the same thing as anticipating...that.

[ "that" seems like a good term for Things That Freak Dave Out Because Bro. ]

I'll... [ maybe ] Make an attempt.

[ it's always one step forward and two steps back. dave specifically does not want to cop to having upped his wariness level around dirk again. he knows it will go back to normal in a little while because he's easy as fuck to win over.

hell, terezi fucking killed john and dave himself (in alternate timelines, but whatever) and he was still friends with her.

it will not actually take that much effort to get him back to the previous level because any efforts made towards being decent are way more than he's typically used to. ]

[That's such a half-assed reply. Dirk supposes he deserves it. He'll just... wait, and prove it to Dave. No matter how long it takes and how hard he has to work. It isn't as if he can't tell every gradation in Dave's attitudes towards him. He is as hyperalert to it, practically paranoid. All of his overclocked resources are dedicated to that.]

I'll take it.

[Yeah.

Still no glasses on.

Still no hug.

He isn't sure if the argument is over yet.]

[ it's completely a half-assed reply and dave actually pauses when dirk accepts it. huh. ]

We should do this more often.

[ he...probably does not mean the arguing, although since dave as usual gives exactly zero context for his conversational jump, the conversation immediately becomes "trying to keep track of dave's train of thought" which usually requires being able to track multiple trains in multiple directions at many points.

what he is actually referring to is talking alone with their shades off. it's incredibly awkward but kind of nice??? feels all serious and like. personalized.

but since he gave zero context clues as to what the fuck he was referring to, that might not be clear. ]

Edited 2016-06-24 07:25 (UTC)

...Argue?

[Yeah no, Dirk does not have this one.]

What, no.

[ dave says, offended, like what he meant was at all in any way clear. ]

The whole [ gestures back and forth between their eyes, which would have helped if done earlier, good job dave. ] thing although obviously not around Rose or like anyone else. Idk. I think I'm probably better at reading you than most people but it's still...

[ hm. he's not sure how to say it, so dave just shrugs. ]

Y'know.

[ or if you don't know you're out of luck, i guess. ]

You want us to talk with the shades off.

[Dirk's saying this because he needs to. Because apparently Dave has put a ban on explicitly vocalizing anything?]

Not like all the time. Just sometimes.

[ dave...immediately gets defensive like he's suggested they go around murdering innocent children and his position is somehow indefensible. considering the fact he rarely agrees to remove his shades for anything but practical purposes, however, that's probably not surprising. no one else can ever know he's sort of enjoying the shadelessness in one specific context. ]

Edited 2016-06-24 07:32 (UTC)

Okay. We can do that.

[Dirk's coming to believe the best way to deal with moments like this is just to stay very chill about them, like they aren't a big deal. Because clearly Dave doesn't want them to be.]

[ when his dave handling doesn't go abruptly wrong by treading too close to bro territory, dirk is usually pretty good at gauging what to do with dave. at least he's right in this case: not reacting overmuch to the suggestion and remaining chill about it seems to be the correct answer and dave is more than happy to just let it be not a big deal when it's secretly probably a big deal. ]

Cool. The Magister also needs shades.

[ they were talking about shades. this topic leap is a little less what the fuck. ]

Should they be like heart shaped though or something?

Abso-fucking-lutely yes.

[The Magister with tacky heart shaped shades. Nothing could be more perfect.

Actually fuck it he can't do this anymore, he said no hiding things and this isn't exactly what Dave meant but it's going to happen anyway. Clearly he has to lead by example here.]

We agreed not to hide things. As such, I'll say that I'd appreciate knowing if I'm going to get a post-argument brotherly embrace, or if in the circumstances one isn't deserved.

I completely understand if you don't want to hug me. I'd just like to know either way before we go forward.

Uh, no. I mean - no, I don't not want you to hug me?

[ the first sentence is startled and steady but followed by the rushed second sentence when dave realizes he again didn't give any context for what he was replying to ("if in the circumstances one isn't deserved", no, it's fine, hugs are always fine). ]

That's a thing that never stopped being okay. I'm not, like - idk what to do in arguments either? You said something about desperate text messages? Like shit play arguments I can do but real ones are kind of...I usually honestly just do the whole ignoring people until I can deal thing, unless they won't go the fuck away and then I - well okay that's usually Karkat so I usually just get him in a headlock and honestly our fights are really embarrassing and I sincerely hope you never witness one.

[ lord ]

I guess I actually have to learn how to actually conclude an argument since I can't abscond or ignore you. Shit, at this rate I might actually earn more bullshit kiddy camper badges. Being all mature and shit. When I like - okay I'm going to basically keep running my mouth until a hug happens so by all means???

[Dirk, being Dirk, over-reads the first line twice: first, that the hug isn't deserve, and second that the double negative doesn't indicate a positive and merely indicates the absence of a negative. And so the entire ensuing spiel is heard under the dictates of those two incredibly insecure initial readings.

It has such a hold over him that instead of reaching out for Dirk, he puts out a question first.] Do you... want to, though?

[There's a fine distinction here. From the way his eyes are locked on Dave's, trying to read into every microexpression, it is probably safe to assume this is a very important distinction to Dirk.]

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