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I am planning on making that attempt.

Are you?

[Guess what, Dave?

Being the older brother doesn't spare you from this kind of thing. Sorry.]

[ well it should. unless dirk's the older brother again. because dave is a fucking hypocrite and knows it. ]

You pretty much know everything I get up to here, man. I think Wiz updates you on shit I do when you're not around, even?

Ain't answering the question, dude.

And also a direct contradiction about what you just claimed regarding your brain and me anticipating its every switch.

[Perhaps the real older brother was the friends we made along the way.]

It was not a fuckin' contradiction, you know that wasn't the kinda thing I was talking about. Anticipating what I'll do conversationally ain't the same thing as anticipating...that.

[ "that" seems like a good term for Things That Freak Dave Out Because Bro. ]

I'll... [ maybe ] Make an attempt.

[ it's always one step forward and two steps back. dave specifically does not want to cop to having upped his wariness level around dirk again. he knows it will go back to normal in a little while because he's easy as fuck to win over.

hell, terezi fucking killed john and dave himself (in alternate timelines, but whatever) and he was still friends with her.

it will not actually take that much effort to get him back to the previous level because any efforts made towards being decent are way more than he's typically used to. ]

[That's such a half-assed reply. Dirk supposes he deserves it. He'll just... wait, and prove it to Dave. No matter how long it takes and how hard he has to work. It isn't as if he can't tell every gradation in Dave's attitudes towards him. He is as hyperalert to it, practically paranoid. All of his overclocked resources are dedicated to that.]

I'll take it.

[Yeah.

Still no glasses on.

Still no hug.

He isn't sure if the argument is over yet.]

[ it's completely a half-assed reply and dave actually pauses when dirk accepts it. huh. ]

We should do this more often.

[ he...probably does not mean the arguing, although since dave as usual gives exactly zero context for his conversational jump, the conversation immediately becomes "trying to keep track of dave's train of thought" which usually requires being able to track multiple trains in multiple directions at many points.

what he is actually referring to is talking alone with their shades off. it's incredibly awkward but kind of nice??? feels all serious and like. personalized.

but since he gave zero context clues as to what the fuck he was referring to, that might not be clear. ]

Edited 2016-06-24 07:25 (UTC)

...Argue?

[Yeah no, Dirk does not have this one.]

What, no.

[ dave says, offended, like what he meant was at all in any way clear. ]

The whole [ gestures back and forth between their eyes, which would have helped if done earlier, good job dave. ] thing although obviously not around Rose or like anyone else. Idk. I think I'm probably better at reading you than most people but it's still...

[ hm. he's not sure how to say it, so dave just shrugs. ]

Y'know.

[ or if you don't know you're out of luck, i guess. ]

You want us to talk with the shades off.

[Dirk's saying this because he needs to. Because apparently Dave has put a ban on explicitly vocalizing anything?]

Not like all the time. Just sometimes.

[ dave...immediately gets defensive like he's suggested they go around murdering innocent children and his position is somehow indefensible. considering the fact he rarely agrees to remove his shades for anything but practical purposes, however, that's probably not surprising. no one else can ever know he's sort of enjoying the shadelessness in one specific context. ]

Edited 2016-06-24 07:32 (UTC)

Okay. We can do that.

[Dirk's coming to believe the best way to deal with moments like this is just to stay very chill about them, like they aren't a big deal. Because clearly Dave doesn't want them to be.]

[ when his dave handling doesn't go abruptly wrong by treading too close to bro territory, dirk is usually pretty good at gauging what to do with dave. at least he's right in this case: not reacting overmuch to the suggestion and remaining chill about it seems to be the correct answer and dave is more than happy to just let it be not a big deal when it's secretly probably a big deal. ]

Cool. The Magister also needs shades.

[ they were talking about shades. this topic leap is a little less what the fuck. ]

Should they be like heart shaped though or something?

Abso-fucking-lutely yes.

[The Magister with tacky heart shaped shades. Nothing could be more perfect.

Actually fuck it he can't do this anymore, he said no hiding things and this isn't exactly what Dave meant but it's going to happen anyway. Clearly he has to lead by example here.]

We agreed not to hide things. As such, I'll say that I'd appreciate knowing if I'm going to get a post-argument brotherly embrace, or if in the circumstances one isn't deserved.

I completely understand if you don't want to hug me. I'd just like to know either way before we go forward.

Uh, no. I mean - no, I don't not want you to hug me?

[ the first sentence is startled and steady but followed by the rushed second sentence when dave realizes he again didn't give any context for what he was replying to ("if in the circumstances one isn't deserved", no, it's fine, hugs are always fine). ]

That's a thing that never stopped being okay. I'm not, like - idk what to do in arguments either? You said something about desperate text messages? Like shit play arguments I can do but real ones are kind of...I usually honestly just do the whole ignoring people until I can deal thing, unless they won't go the fuck away and then I - well okay that's usually Karkat so I usually just get him in a headlock and honestly our fights are really embarrassing and I sincerely hope you never witness one.

[ lord ]

I guess I actually have to learn how to actually conclude an argument since I can't abscond or ignore you. Shit, at this rate I might actually earn more bullshit kiddy camper badges. Being all mature and shit. When I like - okay I'm going to basically keep running my mouth until a hug happens so by all means???

[Dirk, being Dirk, over-reads the first line twice: first, that the hug isn't deserve, and second that the double negative doesn't indicate a positive and merely indicates the absence of a negative. And so the entire ensuing spiel is heard under the dictates of those two incredibly insecure initial readings.

It has such a hold over him that instead of reaching out for Dirk, he puts out a question first.] Do you... want to, though?

[There's a fine distinction here. From the way his eyes are locked on Dave's, trying to read into every microexpression, it is probably safe to assume this is a very important distinction to Dirk.]

[ their collective self-confidence actually sucks. dave realizes that he actually needs to answer honestly here, even though he's given pretty lame answers to some of the things they've discussed as he holds himself back from saying things he doesn't want to say.

at least this honest answer is easy, even if his eyes dart to the side for a second as embarrassment creeps in. ]

Yeah. [ he does manage to force himself to look back at dirk when he speaks, at least? ] Wouldn't agree to it if I didn't.

[ ...wait, shit, the whole. not hiding things thing. ]

I mean - I might agree to it if I didn't, but that is not the thing which is occurring currently. You'd call me on that.

[Dirk looks at Dave for a moment longer. Very calmly, he replies.]

Okay.

[It isn't a flashstep, but he moves to Dave fast. His arms wrap around Dave tightly, almost painfully so. It's the full power of a Dirk Strider cling when he holds Dave against him and presses his face into Dave's shoulders. The only thing he's careful about is not hurting Stiller's dreamshades on Dave's shirt.

It is very hard to convince himself that Dave wants anything at all to do with him. Holding onto him right now is the closest thing he can get to that.]

Uh, whoa. [ dave's used to being the clinger rather than the clingee but adjusts accordingly, returning the hug with slightly less force until he gains his footing. and after he like. removes the shades from the front of his shirt and slides them on top of his head instead. dirk's being careful but it's probably still safer and more comfortable all around if he just gets them out of the way.

shit. what's an older brother supposed to do in these situations?

...it's not like dirk ever seems to know, either. ]

You know you're important to me, too, right? [ it's...of course a thing he says when dirk's burying his face against dave's shoulder. of course. ] Like. I wouldn't care what you did otherwise. I might think it was dumb as shit, but I wouldn't interfere or like...yeah, so I...

[ how the fuck do you end an argument? ]

We're okay?

[That... might not be a thing that Dirk really knows. Or accepts, exactly. It is much easier to parse it in less-than-positive terms. After all, Bro was important too. Just not the way he should have been. Dirk is not a very good person. Dirk is pretty sure he is a pretty awful person, but he'd like to be better so that the people around him suffer less. Because he's also a very selfish person, and he doesn't want to ever be that alone again.

At least Dave holds him closer. And says that? And Dirk knows how he thinks it, but he thinks he also knows how Dave means it. He hopes so. Except hope isn't really his specialty, and it's hard to keep it going. It's hard to feel like he deserves it. (He knows he doesn't.) Even right now he thinks about how badly he fucked this up and he feels suffocated by himself. A fucking miasma of Dirk Strider. How could anyone stand it?

Dave's dream shoulder is a very comfortable resting place at least.]

I'm okay if you're okay.

[That. Wasn't really the question, was it.]

[ well fuck. that's a "no", isn't it? dave is pretty sure that's a no. what does he do with a no.

he ends up doing what he usually does when he has no idea what to do next: rambling. ]

Not what I asked, but demanding a better answer would be hella hypocritical of me at this point I think? Not that this always stops me from taking the hypocritical path. But I usually try to at least be a little more subtle about it - okay no that's a fuckin' lie, I definitely do not bother trying to be subtle I just kinda do whatever and if something stops supporting my point it's obviously no longer relevant. I'd say this is because I spend too much time with a dude who has no logic re: arguments, but I guess that might be a thing I have always done, Rose could probs confirm.

That sounds like a habit that would be generally consistent with all your major personality traits, yes.

[That isn't helpful. Also, that was Dave not quite calling him out on it. He should respond to that. But he isn't sure how. We're okay if you say we are is just pathetic.

But it's true. Nothing is okay unless Dave is. Everything hinges on that.

He realizes that his grip is too tight, it's-a-miracle-blood-still-circulates tight. He loosens it a little.]

I'm pretty sure you get to decide if we're okay this time. Being the non-fucking up party and all.

Edited (redundancy is repetitive) 2016-06-25 07:03 (UTC)

[ dave...doesn't loosen his own grip. dirk's let dave cling to him pretty hard before, it'd be dumb not to allow that permission to extend to dirk.

granted, blood-circulating is a thing dave is a fan of, but... ]

We're still okay. But are you okay? Two different concepts.

[That's actually nice. That Dave isn't letting go, or loosening up. It's nice not to feel like he should be calculating the exact vectors of contact, the precise angles of affection, that will keep Dave from pushing him away. He still tries not to cut off Dave's bloodflow, but—yeah. This is good.

He thinks about that while he thinks about the answer. He knows it, but he doesn't know how to articulate it in a totally clear way without sounding... pathetic. Desperately clingy. Without sounding like someone Dave has to be responsible for. Though his voice has returned to its calm, barely-emotional monotony, each word is carefully chosen.]

It occurred to me again, in this conversation, how easily I could be an iteration of my personality that I find completely unacceptable. I was also reminded of the effects my behaviour can have on others, and how intolerable that is to me.

So I'd say functionally, I'm perfectly fine. But in a broader sense, I'll need to take steps to ensure I don't continue to act against my own highest priorities. Which is something of a recurring problem, but one I'd like to believe I can overcome.

[It is the best he can do.]

If you want, I can tell you when you're bein' a dickhead.

[ he just

freaked out a little earlier and wanted to abscond because dave actually does not have a lot of self confidence and he'd come to the erroneous conclusion dirk didn't give a fuck because (not so) secretly that's come to be one of dave's biggest fears. it always seems way too good to be true that dirk cares and while dave wants to say he trusts dirk (would at least trust him with his life) it's way too easy to believe that maybe he was wrong about the whole caring thing because, well, that would figure?

but if dirk thinks it would be helpful for dave to go ok but consider you're being a fucking asshole he can. do that.

or try to do that, because their hangups keep tripping them up here one way or another. the hangups they both caused for one another in one way or another. ]

Is that the kind of step we're talkin' about takin' because I'm never super sure what your plans are gonna be like and am hoping this one doesn't involve bodily harm?

[Jesus. How badly has he fucked up that Dave thinks most of his plans involve bodily harm? Okay, sure, there was that time with sendificating his head. And that time with signalling Dave to decapitate him. And—

Yeah he's fucked up pretty badly here.]

You probably should tell me when I'm being a dickhead.

[Do most of his plans really involve bodily harm? He thinks of his courtship of Jake and. Yeah. Wow. How has he never noticed this? Is he that bad at being a proper human?]

That said, I don't think it's fair to you to ask you to be my externalized conscience. I'm reasonably confident that's something I should be able to figure out for myself, and something that you in particular shouldn't be burdened with. We've already seen the way my particular hangups are unsurprisingly likely to set off yours.

[Dave can't tell Dirk to stop being like Bro when Dave is busy shutting down in response to exactly that. And really... Dave deserves better than babysitting a guy who can't manage to work out basic human decency by the time he's sixteen, in Dirk's opinion.

Doesn't stop him from clinging to Dave like one of them is going to disappear, though.]

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