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[ their collective self-confidence actually sucks. dave realizes that he actually needs to answer honestly here, even though he's given pretty lame answers to some of the things they've discussed as he holds himself back from saying things he doesn't want to say.

at least this honest answer is easy, even if his eyes dart to the side for a second as embarrassment creeps in. ]

Yeah. [ he does manage to force himself to look back at dirk when he speaks, at least? ] Wouldn't agree to it if I didn't.

[ ...wait, shit, the whole. not hiding things thing. ]

I mean - I might agree to it if I didn't, but that is not the thing which is occurring currently. You'd call me on that.

[Dirk looks at Dave for a moment longer. Very calmly, he replies.]

Okay.

[It isn't a flashstep, but he moves to Dave fast. His arms wrap around Dave tightly, almost painfully so. It's the full power of a Dirk Strider cling when he holds Dave against him and presses his face into Dave's shoulders. The only thing he's careful about is not hurting Stiller's dreamshades on Dave's shirt.

It is very hard to convince himself that Dave wants anything at all to do with him. Holding onto him right now is the closest thing he can get to that.]

Uh, whoa. [ dave's used to being the clinger rather than the clingee but adjusts accordingly, returning the hug with slightly less force until he gains his footing. and after he like. removes the shades from the front of his shirt and slides them on top of his head instead. dirk's being careful but it's probably still safer and more comfortable all around if he just gets them out of the way.

shit. what's an older brother supposed to do in these situations?

...it's not like dirk ever seems to know, either. ]

You know you're important to me, too, right? [ it's...of course a thing he says when dirk's burying his face against dave's shoulder. of course. ] Like. I wouldn't care what you did otherwise. I might think it was dumb as shit, but I wouldn't interfere or like...yeah, so I...

[ how the fuck do you end an argument? ]

We're okay?

[That... might not be a thing that Dirk really knows. Or accepts, exactly. It is much easier to parse it in less-than-positive terms. After all, Bro was important too. Just not the way he should have been. Dirk is not a very good person. Dirk is pretty sure he is a pretty awful person, but he'd like to be better so that the people around him suffer less. Because he's also a very selfish person, and he doesn't want to ever be that alone again.

At least Dave holds him closer. And says that? And Dirk knows how he thinks it, but he thinks he also knows how Dave means it. He hopes so. Except hope isn't really his specialty, and it's hard to keep it going. It's hard to feel like he deserves it. (He knows he doesn't.) Even right now he thinks about how badly he fucked this up and he feels suffocated by himself. A fucking miasma of Dirk Strider. How could anyone stand it?

Dave's dream shoulder is a very comfortable resting place at least.]

I'm okay if you're okay.

[That. Wasn't really the question, was it.]

[ well fuck. that's a "no", isn't it? dave is pretty sure that's a no. what does he do with a no.

he ends up doing what he usually does when he has no idea what to do next: rambling. ]

Not what I asked, but demanding a better answer would be hella hypocritical of me at this point I think? Not that this always stops me from taking the hypocritical path. But I usually try to at least be a little more subtle about it - okay no that's a fuckin' lie, I definitely do not bother trying to be subtle I just kinda do whatever and if something stops supporting my point it's obviously no longer relevant. I'd say this is because I spend too much time with a dude who has no logic re: arguments, but I guess that might be a thing I have always done, Rose could probs confirm.

That sounds like a habit that would be generally consistent with all your major personality traits, yes.

[That isn't helpful. Also, that was Dave not quite calling him out on it. He should respond to that. But he isn't sure how. We're okay if you say we are is just pathetic.

But it's true. Nothing is okay unless Dave is. Everything hinges on that.

He realizes that his grip is too tight, it's-a-miracle-blood-still-circulates tight. He loosens it a little.]

I'm pretty sure you get to decide if we're okay this time. Being the non-fucking up party and all.

Edited (redundancy is repetitive) 2016-06-25 07:03 (UTC)

[ dave...doesn't loosen his own grip. dirk's let dave cling to him pretty hard before, it'd be dumb not to allow that permission to extend to dirk.

granted, blood-circulating is a thing dave is a fan of, but... ]

We're still okay. But are you okay? Two different concepts.

[That's actually nice. That Dave isn't letting go, or loosening up. It's nice not to feel like he should be calculating the exact vectors of contact, the precise angles of affection, that will keep Dave from pushing him away. He still tries not to cut off Dave's bloodflow, but—yeah. This is good.

He thinks about that while he thinks about the answer. He knows it, but he doesn't know how to articulate it in a totally clear way without sounding... pathetic. Desperately clingy. Without sounding like someone Dave has to be responsible for. Though his voice has returned to its calm, barely-emotional monotony, each word is carefully chosen.]

It occurred to me again, in this conversation, how easily I could be an iteration of my personality that I find completely unacceptable. I was also reminded of the effects my behaviour can have on others, and how intolerable that is to me.

So I'd say functionally, I'm perfectly fine. But in a broader sense, I'll need to take steps to ensure I don't continue to act against my own highest priorities. Which is something of a recurring problem, but one I'd like to believe I can overcome.

[It is the best he can do.]

If you want, I can tell you when you're bein' a dickhead.

[ he just

freaked out a little earlier and wanted to abscond because dave actually does not have a lot of self confidence and he'd come to the erroneous conclusion dirk didn't give a fuck because (not so) secretly that's come to be one of dave's biggest fears. it always seems way too good to be true that dirk cares and while dave wants to say he trusts dirk (would at least trust him with his life) it's way too easy to believe that maybe he was wrong about the whole caring thing because, well, that would figure?

but if dirk thinks it would be helpful for dave to go ok but consider you're being a fucking asshole he can. do that.

or try to do that, because their hangups keep tripping them up here one way or another. the hangups they both caused for one another in one way or another. ]

Is that the kind of step we're talkin' about takin' because I'm never super sure what your plans are gonna be like and am hoping this one doesn't involve bodily harm?

[Jesus. How badly has he fucked up that Dave thinks most of his plans involve bodily harm? Okay, sure, there was that time with sendificating his head. And that time with signalling Dave to decapitate him. And—

Yeah he's fucked up pretty badly here.]

You probably should tell me when I'm being a dickhead.

[Do most of his plans really involve bodily harm? He thinks of his courtship of Jake and. Yeah. Wow. How has he never noticed this? Is he that bad at being a proper human?]

That said, I don't think it's fair to you to ask you to be my externalized conscience. I'm reasonably confident that's something I should be able to figure out for myself, and something that you in particular shouldn't be burdened with. We've already seen the way my particular hangups are unsurprisingly likely to set off yours.

[Dave can't tell Dirk to stop being like Bro when Dave is busy shutting down in response to exactly that. And really... Dave deserves better than babysitting a guy who can't manage to work out basic human decency by the time he's sixteen, in Dirk's opinion.

Doesn't stop him from clinging to Dave like one of them is going to disappear, though.]

Is it, though? I mean. I had to figure shit out on my own a lot of the fuckin' time and it took me years to do portions of it that I'm honestly still not great at? I mean, dude, you were like "hey you know what a normal thing to do is robo death battles", I think we need to give you some training wheels leeway on not going a thousand fuckin' miles per hour.

[ admittedly the whole telling dirk to stop being like bro thing is hard for exactly the reason dirk thinks it is and dave isn't sure he'll manage it that well, but at least he can tell dirk on occasion that he's doing something dumb and or ill advised and or...whatever. ]

Which, you were alone with only the net and movies for company 'till the game, yeah? I kinda get the impression people didn't tell you no a lot or you like just didn't listen to 'em? Because what the fuck were they gonna do, give you disappointed text emotes, that's like not really a huge deal.

[ so

maybe he needs an externalized conscience for a while until he gets the hang of...human-ing.

wait that sounds bad ]

We're doing okayish with the mobius loop of hangups, I think? I only killed you once and you haven't killed me at all, I'd say it's a win.

Edited 2016-06-26 05:12 (UTC)

You managed to be an essentially decent human being completely on your own in every iteration of yourself. Taking some time to learn about laundry because your caretaker didn't believe in living up to the job description is not the same thing.

[The counterpoint comes easily to him. More counterpoints do, too. He has raised his head enough from Dave's shoulder that he can rest his chin on it instead, watching the dream of the ocean.]

You should probably raise the bar you set for us off of ground level, Dave. At the least you might want to take it out of the basement.

[...Yeah Dave wants to give Dirk leeway, and Dirk can't accept that he deserves any. He just can't. The idea hits a brick wall in his head and shatters on his own standards for himself.]

Laundry ain't the kind of things I'm talkin' about havin' to learn.

[ more like. accepting affection. which he is clearly not still The Best at, but he tries. believing he's worth something and taking people caring about him as fact rather than fiction.

all shit he's still in the process of working on. ]

And fuck you, the bar is high. Just. Up in the atmosphere here.

[ no it's really not as long as dirk periodically does something nice he could be shit the rest of the time and dave would still accept it ]

[Dirk mentally snorts, and then remembers that people express things out loud. So he lightly taps Dave.]

The bar is barely above the Earth's solid core. It's in a state of ambiguity, struggling with liquidity from the heat against the pressure that demands its atoms form a rigid structure. The bar is so damn low I have to fly miles above it to avoid getting waterlogged in the Mariana Trench.

Ok, so where exactly do you think this bar should even be?

[ like what kind of expectations does dirk want him to have here because dave needs...to know what normal is... ]

[Er. Well. Dirk doesn't know what normal should be either but.]

At least waist-height on the second floor of a suburban home. Like I said, this isn't an area that I know a lot about. Sitcoms and cinema aren't the best source for true family dynamics when normalized dysfunction is the bread and barbecue sauce of fiction.

But maybe you should at least expect me to treat you as well as your friends do. John, Jade, Rose. From what I've heard and seen, they've been really good to you.

I'd like to at least meet those standards.

I hold you to those...

[ dave...trails off. because he's not sure he can actually say that in truth and he never really...thought about it? but any time dirk outpaces bro, which is pretty much 100% of the time, he seems to be doing fine to dave? like wow look at this not being shitty or at least being way less shitty while still being shitty. stellar. gold star for dirk!

but on the other hand if rose had pulled this sort of crap about doing something she knew dave wouldn't like without at least talking to him he'd call her on it and has done so before.

huh.

he...didn't realize he was doing that. ]

[ He sees the realization hit and gives the wave time to wash over Dave. When it feels settled, he continues. ]

Yeah.

You think we can work with that?

I...guess I haven't been treating you like Rose or whoever. But can you really say you don't hold me to different standards, either?

[ like.

dave is pretty sure he might be in a different category than everyone else but he's not...100% sure. ]

Anyway, I'll...I'll try.

Yes, of course.

But you know the difference here.

[He tightens the embrace just briefly. What would Roxy call it? A squeeze.]

Thanks, Dave.

Without any ironic disclaimers, I love you, okay?

[It's occurs to Dirk that maybe Dave doesn't here that as much as he should.]

[ uh

okay so it turns out telling dave he's worth something and important and shit is a lot different from saying i love you because even rose and karkat don't really say the words too often because they're both shitty at sharing their emotions. the harleyberts are way more effusive about their affections, but it's been three years since dave's really had much time with them. one heart-to-heart with john egbert just does not cut it after a drought of egbertian shenanigans in dave's life.

and shocking spoiler alert, this is definitely a thing bro never, ever said.

there's a pause as dave tries to process that one but ]

Really?

[ lmao of course he has to just like

double check

are you sure about this dirk ]

[Yeah. That honestly doesn't surprise Dirk a lot. He isn't sure how much other people say it to Dave (well, Roxy has never been short of forthcoming with her affections) but even then, Dirk knows that he will continue to have his own special category in Dave's head, built out of the shadow of the version of him that raised Dave.

But Dirk, for all of his convoluted courtship rituals, has never really had a hard time telling his friends that he cares about them. Sometimes he thinks he should tell them more. Now he's sure he needs to tell Dave more.

He draws back from the embrace enough so Dave can see his face. No shades, no shields. Still not expressive, that isn't ever going to change. But Dirk isn't scared of saying this.]

Really. Zero tiers of irony, unaffected by temporal incoherency, more genuine than conceivable to profit-driven Hollywood cliche. I'm glad that you're my brother, and I love you.

Okay?

[ there's still surprise and...a pinch of doubt, really, but.

dave's still the more expressive of the two striders and it's probably easy as fuck to tell he's mostly just kind of...happy? this is happy, right. yeah he's pretty sure this is happy. or embarrassed. or...

he has no idea what he's feeling but at least he does know the answer. ]

Uh. Okay. I love you too. Which I. Think you knew? You probably knew. I think I've said it before. Shit.

[ he's so good at accepting familial affection. rose's habit of swaddling it up in a thousand layers of irony and passive-aggressive warfare means he doesn't usually get it completely unwrapped. ]

[Honestly, Dirk didn't have time to be nervous about this. There are things Dirk needs to say, and those can be nerve-wracking, but when it comes to thinks Dave needs to hear, there's no hesitation. His anxiousness, if anything, is focused on whether or not Dave is responding to it properly, or if this is something he has to spend more time untangling from the other him's mistakes. But now that Dave is saying it back...

Okay. Yes? That's a thing. He was actually not prepared to have this turned around on him.

He frees one arm from the hug to ruffle Dave's hair. It feels like the best next move.]

You didn't know, huh. Do I have to tell you I love you ever night during bedtime hugs? I'm warning you, Roxy will want to get in on it. Your sister might not be able to handle the level of sincerity Rox and I can get up to between us. It is, and I quote, 'incredibly sweet-plus-lame.'

You never said it before now, dude.

[ "important" is different from "love"? or at least. well. bro had been important, but dave sure as fuck hadn't loved him. at least...not in a long time? and he's not sure he could call any of that love. hero worship? stockholm syndrome? who fucking knows, dave doesn't and he's spent years thinking about it.

so no, he hadn't known. because dave is kind of...terrible...at assuming people love him. ]

I, uh. Rose would have so much to say about this. Sincerity is like her kryptonite, too.

[ and...dave's...

so by all means wreck them ]

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