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It isn't!

[Dirk hears his own voice rise and it startles him. That's something he hasn't done a lot in his life. Twice? Maybe. Either way, he's jerked back, the volume a surprise even to him. He wants to reach out but he doesn't know how because he worked out the stupid thing he did and now he's scared that he can never make it unhappen. Why couldn't he get the Time powers? Go back in time and slap yourself silly before you say something stupid. A dead Dirk is worth it if it keeps Dave happy. Or at least mad at him, but not hurt by him. He really, really doesn't what to hurt Dave. But hey, he isn't a Knight of Time. He doesn't protect people. He just fucks everything up. Thanks, Sburb, for telling him what he already knew.]

Dave. It isn't acceptable. I only did this because I thought I could keep it from happening. I was arrogant, okay? Arrogant and stupid. I felt sure I could keep you from finding out so I didn't think it mattered as long as you didn't know. I thought I was smart enough at this to stop you from hearing about it and getting hurt, and I thought that if I did this I could keep you from ever getting hurt by a Reaper again. Surprise, I'm a fuckin' idiot. So much of an idiot that I have to keep learning how much of an idiot I am.

[Dirk reaches for Dave and then stops, his fingers curling around water. He doesn't know how to make Dave believe him. He doesn't know, but he has to try. He can't let Dave think this.]

I didn't weigh you against the strategy. I wouldn't. I understand if you can't believe that, but it's true. Because if I ever did, you'd always come up on top.

I don't know what I can do to convince you of that. But the rational thing doesn't mean anything when it comes to you.

Edited 2016-06-24 02:31 (UTC)

[ the slight rise in the pitch of dirk's voice had been weird. the raising of dirk's voice actually stops dave dead, although it's not a thing bro had ever done. the monotone is something dave is more than used to and he doesn't usually have too much trouble guessing dirk's mood from other cues. he's had a lifetime of experience with someone scary similar to dirk in certain ways when it comes to bearing. and some of the things seem to be shared between dirk and dave, which dave guesses is because dirk watched all those interviews of post-scratch dave. he'd never actually expected to hear dirk raise his voice. and especially not in this particular context.

he...

wants to believe what dirk's saying so badly because he spent thirteen years convincing himself bro as aloof and he would have killed anyone bro had wanted to hear something even approaching this, including himself.

but dave is also pretty certain he doesn't want to take another hit like this. ]

You can't say shit like that. [ dirk might assume he means the part about how dave interpreted his other statement, but dave completely means the stuff dirk is saying right now about how dave is important because it's completely unfair and he wants to believe in it too, too much and it makes him irrational and he gets expectations and clearly that's a terrible idea all around? it'd taken him three years to even begin to untangle the mess bro had left behind.

or maybe dirk knows exactly what he means. he's too astute sometimes and too obtuse others and dave's never sure which dirk he'll be getting at any given time. dave's poker face is cracking into frustration again, his own voice rising a little. ]

[This is different than feeling small. This is different than feeling like a disappointment. This is feeling like poison, like sickness. He looks at Dave, he hears him, and he tastes krypton in his throat.]

No? Too bad. 'Cause it's the truth. And if you don't want me hiding things from you, then you're not going to get it.

[He knows it's dramatic and stupid, but he knows that his silhouette would be a nightmare with a change in headgear. So he changes it. Dirk pulls off his shades. Orange eyes, directly on Dave. He doesn't care if it's melodrama. He needs Dave to believe him.]

You want to know the truth about me being rational? I was bullshitting you and me both. I told you it was to get an advantage, but it isn't really, that's just what I said to justify coming back for these fights. The truth is that when I heard that Reaper talk to me in my own fucking voice, I wanted nothing more than to make it shut up. I didn't rationally decide that your pain was worth learning how to fight them; I just tricked myself into thinking you'd never find out. The exact same way I tricked myself into thinking it's rational to Strife them instead of admitting to myself that it's just my totally irrational mind going through another one of its batshit double loop-the-loop rollercoaster trips of a thought process to justify more narcissistic self-destruction.

So no, it wasn't the rational thing, and no, you getting hurt isn't an acceptable loss against a strategic advantage. That was never what this was about. This was me, being a self-absorbed dick, again, and thinking I could escape the consequences of my fuck ups.

[He takes a breath. Water in his lungs but it feels like air. He's pretty sure he's about to break the shades in his fist, but hey, it's just a dream. Who cares?]

You deserve better than that. You're worth more than that. I'm sorry for everything I did and said to act against that.

[

what the fuck. dave shorts out for a second because: ]

You took off your shades? [ like that's a question? dirk's holding the shades in his hand. dave should probably have had a more profound reaction to dirk saying everything he just said but he keeps record scratching on the fact that bro took off his shades?

well. not bro. dirk. ]

Holy fucking shit you took off your shades. Do you like orange soda because your eyes are orange? Apples are red maybe that's why I like them what the fuck your shades.

[ he. might need a minute or two here. dave.exe needs to reboot. he dissolves into muttering that is semi-audible and most of which seems to be about thinking the shades were like, surgically attached to (bro's) dirk's face and how the fuck hasn't he stabbed himself with them anyway dave totally stabbed himself on them when he was a kid and what the fuck what the fuck

his shades

dave is occasionally a dumbass, news at eleven. dirk obviously probably takes them off to sleep and shit but NOT WHILE AWAKE AND TALKING or...dream-awake fuck his life that this is a term ]

Edited 2016-06-24 03:56 (UTC)

I like orange soda because it's what you left me?

Orange soda and Doritos.

[This is so Dave. This is so, ridiculously Dave. But Dirk isn't going to push it. Dave is babbling, but he's pretty sure Dave heard what was important. Dirk can beg for Dave to tell him what he can do to prove how much he means later.

Right now, he will go along with this.]

Also, some apples are green or yellow, and apple juice is not red.

[He doesn't put the shades back on.]

You left the shades behind for me. With the orange soda.

Edited 2016-06-24 04:03 (UTC)

Ok but the apples on aj bottles are almost always red so your argument is super invalid? Clearly the apple that is the most apple is red. Although I like those red-green ones, that kind of look like a pile of autumn leaves? I hope one of our trees grows those kinds of fuckin' apples but there's legitimately no way to tell at this stage.

[ that's definitely how that works. yeah. dave's...okay, dave's mostly rambling as he tries to process what dirk said earlier although he's record-scratching on that whole thing, too. ]

Stable fuckin' timeloops. Even if you scratch shit, some things don't change, and it's always the dumbest details? Like what the fuck. The exact same shades on my face or yours, Rose's absurd love for old wrinkly dudes with beards and magic sticks, the Lalonde obsession with cats. Those things aren't genetic in the least but the universe treats 'em like they are?

[ dave gets irrationally angry about time shenanigans sometimes just because wow time travel sucks he can attest first hand?????? it's so dumb. SO DUMB. and yet he keeps doing it anyway. ]

Do you really think I'm worth more.

[ with absolutely no segue we're back to topic one. ]

Yes.

[He can say it immediately because he knew it would happen. That's how Dave works. He is coming to understand that better, the more time he spends with him. The more times he fucks up and then scrambles to repair his mistakes. But spending all this time with Dave makes him feel like he can repair his mistakes. Like the things he does, the ways he fucks up, aren't irreversible truths of his shitty personality. He can atone for what he has done, and he can work as hard as possible to stop from doing it again.]

I know it.

I'll try to show you that. No more dream Strifes, to start. I'll find other ways.

Huh.

[ dave says, like he...well. he doesn't know what to say to that and it's probably fairly obvious he doesn't believe it, considering he's asked dirk something very like this before. this seems to be a state of affairs dave never quite believes entirely, even when he assures people he does.

as shown by how quick he'd been to go "oh, so it wasn't a thing after all" at the slightest implication it wasn't a thing.

he's used to it not being a thing. ]

...Other ways to show me that or other ways to antagonize Reapers.

[ he

thinks it's the first one but ]

Other ways to show you.

[He doesn't mind clarifying. In fact, he'll clarify further.]

I won't fight Reapers without your permission.

Or anything.

I won't fight anyone or anything without your permission.

[No Strifes ever again without Dave's okay. But one small step to proving how much he cares about Dave's happiness and well-being: putting one of his favourite hobbies on the table as a condition for Dave to decide.

He is still holding his anime glasses in his hand as a dramatic gesture so really this kind of attempt at demonstrating his earnestness shouldn't surprise anyone.]

I...dude, what the fuck?

[ why does dirk have no chill settings why did dave get any and all chill in this family line - wait, shit, all the chill clearly came matrilineally through roxy. and skipped rose entirely. because dave is almost entirely sure he can see where this offer can go wrong. ]

No you can keep like fighting robots and whatever shit you get up to for legitimate training purposes we already agreed on that, and please tell me you're not including self-defense in this offer because knowing you and your complete lack of chill I somehow think you're including self-defense in this offer like a complete moron.

[ oh my god save dave from his brother and or the migraine dave has just decided to name dirk ]

I assume you'd want me to fight to protect my life or others'. I figured I should use a strict definition of self-defence that's purely reactive, rather than a looser, more pro-active definition of the term.

[Sometimes, Dirk is a very emotional person. Other times he talks like a robot with faulty processing.

Sometimes they are the same time.]

I don't want to upset you again?

Yes? That's an assumption that is an obvious given. Example of a looser, pro-active definition of the term, please. Do you mean like starting fights just because you think someone is going to start a fight or what?

[ but sure he...supposes that is the definition he uses for self-defense?

dave is almost sure this will end stupidly. as most things they do together do. ]

And I said it was fine, so. It's fine.

[ dave isn't Superb at closing arguments or figuring out what to do after them, but the whole hugging while rambling thing has mostly become his mainstay and he hasn't made any move to do that. dirk said he didn't know what to do after a fight. or during one.

dave's not actually that much better. like, if it were rose or john or jade or karkat, sure, he'd have a clue. well. at least half a clue. but dirk is still uncharted waters and both of them keep falling into every single pitfall that exists. ]

You were lying.

[So it wasn't fine. This is more important than his definition of pro-active self-defence. He just is going to point out. Dave said it was fine but he was lying and Dirk knows it and so does Dave. In fact, he's going to elaborate. Because that's what Dave has opened himself up to here.]

Any time I upset you, it isn't fine. Regardless of whether or not you think it's okay for me to upset you. I'm your brother, and I shouldn't hurt you. That's just how it is.

I don't know a lot about having a family. But my understanding is that your family is meant to support you, not tear you down.

[So. Yes. There's that.

He wants to put his shades back on because it feels weird not to have them on, but he can't until he feels like his message has gotten across. Really, it isn't like he's that much more expressive without them. He's still the same socially-defunct wire monkey he always has been. There's just less of an obvious reason when people miss the microscopic changes in his expression.

The curving inward of brows in confusion, the twist of the mouth in pain, the tightness of his chest. All the normal things normal people do, but smaller. Quieter. Quieter like his voice, because what's the point of learning to speak up when there's no one around to hear you?]

Edited 2016-06-24 05:32 (UTC)

[ nnngh okay yes he was lying (he's still lying) but most people wouldn't be able to call him on his crap so he still tries it with dirk sometimes. well. rose can call him on it half of the time but he still does it with her, too.

dave hesitates for a minute or two in complete silence, before reaching up and taking off his own shades, hooking them over the collar of his shirt.

he crosses his arms as a sort of replacement barrier without thinking about it. but the last thing dave wants is all the power in any relationship, because he's been on the other side of that and it fucking sucks. what he wants (what he has trouble articulating) is give and take on equal ground. it's not like dirk can't read him even with his shades on, but hell, maybe it'll help. somehow.

maybe a serious conversation shouldn't be conducted behind a thousand different walls. dave can't possibly begin to take all of them down, but at least he can try to lower one. ]

I think they're the most capable of tearing you down. But yeah, that's probs the ideal here.

[ dave shrugs, one shoulder lifting and falling before he says: ]

It's not always going to be your fault though? You don't have all the context you need to avoid upsetting me completely, dude. I can't exactly blame people for doing shit they didn't know would trip some dumb fucking switch I shouldn't even have. I do not want Dave Strider Tantrum Bingo to be a thing, I am entirely fine with someone else having tantrum bingo on lockdown.

[ ... ]

I don't know a lot about having a family either, okay? Rose and I were always best friends first. I guess we sort of just toppled into siblingville naturally but it's not like we're aces at this shit. I'm not a stellar brother to her? Like. Fuckin' spiderbitch stepped up and staged an intervention for her sake and I just...couldn't. So idk if you think I know any more than you about this because of Rose or whatever but I assure you Rose and I are completely terrible at siblinghood except for the part where we give a fuck about one another.

Edited 2016-06-24 05:40 (UTC)

I didn't think that, as it happens.

I got the impression you don't know jack shit about how to properly have a family because I totally ruined that you. [His head tilts a fraction.] And I'm reasonably confident that I of all people should be able to anticipate those switches you have that other people don't.

[Dirk really can't accept Dave saying 'it's fine' and moving on. He believes Dave just doesn't know that's not okay. He really wants Dave to know it isn't.

Out of nowhere:]

I used to wonder if you had eyes like mine.

[He lets it come out, an uncontrolled deviance from the topic at hand. Something more at home from Dave's mouth than Dirk's. But it's something that Dirk thinks he ought to say. As if it could express something more than the words that make it.]

Maybe it isn't even about family? We're brothers, and that's really important to me. But honestly, I really care about you as you are. I would want to like brothers with you even outside of all the convoluted paradoxes of ectobiology. I'd still want to treat you better than I just did. I do want to be a better person to you than that.

Like orange or just freaky mutant bright? [ he addresses that first because of course he does, and tips his head to the side. ] Man, I don't even know what color eyes I thought you had.

[ he'd wondered about it sometimes but it's not like bro ever removed his shades? ever. at all. full stop. ]

Dude, for all you say you ruined it for me, and for all you can maybe guesstimate some of the shit or have at least heard like a pinch of context, you can't exactly extrapolate thirteen years from a few conversations about a dude who was flipped turnways. That's a stupid thing to expect yourself to be able to do? Like. What possible reason would you have for going "hey, maybe I should just never tell Dave to meet me on the roof" because where the fuck would you pull that from, a top hat you've yet to reveal that also includes a rabbit? Or like - I don't even fuckin' know, maybe that wouldn't phase me.

[ he didn't think dirk flashstepping would freak him the fuck out but yeah in retrospect yeah. dave's aware of some of the shit that would bug him but he doesn't plan on vocalizing most of it. because. that's a good idea.

it's still something so impossible, that dirk keeps saying he's Important and he wants to be brothers, and it's still something dave knows he's not going to be able to defend against. he's always been weak, and he's always known this. ]

It's not about how you treated me or whatever. [ like. it kind of is. ] That's not why I - it was just. [ ugh. ] There's a box, okay, two boxes, and normally I can sort 'em out and keep them apart and you just - sometimes I can't, and I'm not sure how much of the blame you can or should take for that.

[ dave's argument is getting confused here and he's not sure why he's arguing except he really doesn't want to admit to how not fine he is at the moment. ]

Mutant orange specifically.

[He'll clear that up for Dave so that Dave doesn't keep focusing on it. Or maybe so that Dave can keep focusing on it, because maybe having that nonsensical outlet helps him keep talking about the important things.

He wants to say, I think I should be able to make a reasonable estimation about the kinds of things I would do to you. He wants to, but he doesn't. Because Dave starts talking about two boxes, and after a moment, it clicks in Dirk's head what that actually means.

He drifts what would be a step closer to Dave through the water, but no more. He doesn't want to alarm him. His expression... softens, sort of, going from the tense, taut muscles of realization to something more relaxed.]

Okay. So what I'm understanding from this is that it probably isn't helpful to think about it in terms of responsibility.

Can we try looking at it another way? I did and said something. Those things upset you, and they'll continue to do that if I do them again. I don't want to upset you, so I'm going to do what I can to avoid them.

How does that sound?

Disappointed?

[ about the eyes, dave means. dave is of course still focusing on the eye topic because why wouldn't he be. the nonsensical outlet definitely helps him to keep up the serious portion of the conversation.

he hasn't relaxed yet himself, even if he's taken off his shades. but the suggestion that they don't talk about it in terms of responsibility at least gets dave to stop hunching his shoulders forward. and when had he started that, anyway? he hadn't noticed. ]

No one wins in the Strider blame games. So yeah, I can live with that.

[ it sounds easier to accept when it's put like that for some reason. which...is probably why dirk reworked his approach.

]

You're younger again, though.

No, I like it. Different shades, different eyes, but resembling. We get to be connected without being the same.

[He gives Dave a smile. It's a slight expression, but it's real. He does like being linked to Dave like this, even when he doubts he deserves to be.

An exhale slips out of him, water into water, as Dave agrees. The remix did work. That's a lesson for next time. Because there will be a next time, and he will do better.

Aw fuck.]

...I guess that's fair.

I mean, there's always the orange creamsicle version of me out there somewhere. Or...there was? I mean, I guess he might be fused with a cat now if Jade's whole cat lips thing was an indication of what the fuck happened to the guy. But I happen to think red is my color.

[ no offense to davesprite. ]

Hell yeah it's fair, so now I get, like, the perks. [ ...are there perks to being the older brother other than having the title? dave isn't sure. did dirk have perks for the last like month.

ugh. dave has to at least keep this title for a month. ]

Arquius went red, so I guess we traded. [Their lives are so weird? Dirk doesn't even get it.

But the wildfire in his head is a little quieter now that Dave is talking bullshit about older brother perks. Which do not exist at all. Dirk is confident he'll still be the one giving piggyback rides.]

Congratulations.

[Put it on your kiddie camper handysash.]

He's really muscular. [ #important conversational contributions

dave please

also obviously dirk will still be the one giving piggyback rides. when dave is the younger brother it is a younger brother perk but when he's older it's clearly an older brother perk???? that's how that works. yeah. ]

Maybe we should like, stop trying to hide shit from each other.

[ easier said than fucking done. dave, you haven't even been honest in this conversation alone? ]

I am planning on making that attempt.

Are you?

[Guess what, Dave?

Being the older brother doesn't spare you from this kind of thing. Sorry.]

[ well it should. unless dirk's the older brother again. because dave is a fucking hypocrite and knows it. ]

You pretty much know everything I get up to here, man. I think Wiz updates you on shit I do when you're not around, even?

Ain't answering the question, dude.

And also a direct contradiction about what you just claimed regarding your brain and me anticipating its every switch.

[Perhaps the real older brother was the friends we made along the way.]

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