parodeity | WEEK ONE: WEDNESDAY, THE POOL

[Why. Does Dave keep asking these really hard questions. Dirk kinda makes a noise because??? He forces himself to gather together the thoughts.]

There are a lot of complicated factors involved, including my auto-responder and the way me and Jake engaged with each other, but mostly it comes down to giving him a false idea of who I was, like making him think I was actually a cool, funny, competent person instead of the reality, and then kinda positioning it so that he never was able to reject me out of hand because he couldn't tell if my flirtations were ironic or not. Jake's a really good dude, and in the end, when we came into the game on a decapitated corpse-smooch, I think he just accepted he should date me because he thought of me as a friend and felt an obligation to answer the desires I'd hinted at.

[In Dirk's opinion, the worst thing Dirk has ever done is make his friends think he isn't a terrible person. A logically brilliant argument.

At this point, he hasn't actually had the space to reflect on some of the other things he has done, and most of the guilt is focused in around that feeling that he isn't good enough to deserve his friends. The real problems with Brobot haven't really hit him without fully understanding Dave's experiences, and his complicated relationship with the AR is too difficult to untangle for a question like this. What he can't stop thinking about is that, and to him his crimes against Jake are the worst because while he couldn't give Roxy what she wanted and blocked Jane from what she wanted, he is certain that he forced Jake to think he wanted a thing he didn't really want, and that's unconscionable.]

The worst thing is, when I dumped him I made him think it was his fault, when it was really just my suffocatin', obnoxious personality that drove him away.

[

yeah wait jake's a guy wtf. ]

And that's it. Your worst thing.

[ even aside from the way dave draws back and stands up, uncertain if he really wants to think about that too hard, it's.

kind of laughable?

it is probably something really, really serious to dirk. it's probably an actually serious issue. it just kind of doesn't really fucking compare to even a "good" day with bro and when dave stands he kind of surveys dirk with a sort of amused confusion. like, that's it. the worst thing he can think of that he's ever done to a person.

it kind of makes it really fucking clear dirk has absolutely no idea what he's talking about when he keeps trying to apologize for shit he never did to dave. ]

[Dirk sees Dave draw back and he isn't sure if Dave has just decided to reject him out of hand. He isn't sure if it is the worst thing. Maybe the AR's the worst. He doesn't know.

He gets up, his eyes glancing away under his shades.]

i mean, I murdered a dude once, but he was trying to kill me and Roxy, and I am not particularly remorseful about it.

[He puts his hands in his pockets, feeling over one palm. There probably will be a bruise, but the cough is much more annoying.]

I'm well aware that it isn't the same as whatever went down with you. Like I said, I don't know the details. What I do know is that I'm controlling, self-justifying, and demanding. Those traits shouldn't be left unchecked and then given a child to look after.

Edited 2017-05-23 08:19 (UTC)

You ain't even halfway there.

[ less than that, even. dave can't understand the difference, and he isn't sure he's going to be able to.

maybe if he could he'd be able to trust dirk. ]

[He can't really argue it. He wants to say he's worse, but he doesn't know the details and he does know he would make sure Dave was fed and taken care of.]

You make it unfathomably difficult to come up with a decimatin' counter-argument when you withhold all possible information I could build a case with. [He actually doesn't sound annoyed, just observing.]

...The probability of my death aside, it's sort of a thing that I'm not interested in going any further in that direction. Whatever happened there, I don't want to be it.

You couldn't come up with one anyway, if that's your "worst thing".

[ because it's still pretty fucking laughable in the grand scheme of things. ]

You don't have anythin' further to do with my Bro than I do yours.

Don't use air quotes around my guilt, dude. [Rude??

Not all of us can throw babies off of roofs okay.]

You say that like you think you don't have a thing in common with my Bro.

Outward similarities do not a person with shit in common make. We should get back.

[ rather than stand around arguing about this, because dave is back to being reticent about all things informational. whatever prompted the attack of vulnerability has been trampled or shoved back and ignored. ]

[Dirk will go with, but also,]

You're ignorin' that there are key personality traits in common, that were just emphasized differently before or after the Scratch for whatever reason. Anyway, I didn't play the game to meet my Bro as he was in the historical record where I never personally encountered him. I came to meet whatever version of you had been in my place, whatever that might make you.

[ dave stops dead in his tracks and just stares at dirk. what the fuck ]

[Okay, Dirk stops too and kinda. Stares back, more or less in confusion because he has no idea what happened here and doesn't know if saying a thing would be bad.

He swallows down a cough for the same reason.]

[ there are too many options of things to say? like why the fuck would dirk want to meet him, the already old hat argument of okay but why the hell do you care about me you don't know me, the burning question of why do you even think i matter, but what comes out is a statement rather than a question: ]

You don't have any personality traits in common.

[Like. That isn't quite the response he expected.]

We like puppets.

[Which. Is not a personality trait. Hang on.]

He seemed like a dude who was totally sure of how right he was. That's a problem I've had to struggle with all the damn time.

[They are not walking anymore. Idiots.]

You're an awkward mess who isn't sure of yourself at all.

[ ?????????????????????????

maybe could have put that more nicely but. ]

[Okay. Rude, first of all. Also:]

I just came out of watchin' all of my friends die because of my fuckups, give my cripplin' arrogance the leeway of a few vacation days.

Did you really have that, though, or did you just tell yourself you did?

[ because

and this is actually not a welcome realization, but

because he recognizes more of himself in dirk than he does bro.

the staring proceeds to be a thing again, this time with dismay thrown in to the bargain. ]

[He recognizes the dismay, although he doesn't understand it. Maybe at finally accepting he is, as he said, A Mess.

He speaks quietly, though, because he is answering a question but also speaking about something he hates, and it isn't just to prove a point.]

My sword was used to kill two of my best friends. The sword wouldn't have been around to use by that spiderbitch if I'd done a better job attacking her or used a smarter move.

[It's a case of him-nothim, but Dirk is more closely tied to Brain Ghost Dirk than most of his other splinters, and he feels the blame for what happened.]

When we started the game, I told Jane that I'd be the shadow leader, guiding our group to victory through my supreme machinations. I told her if anything happened, I'd be there to swoop in and fix our mistakes.

You can see why that kind of arrogance took a hit.

That didn't answer my question. Did you really believe you could do those things, or did you just tell yourself and everyone else you could? Was it a lie you needed to believe or were you actually secure in the knowledge?

[ he's not even sure how to phrase the question because he has tried pretty hard not to think about dirk's circumstances too much. ]

Did you tell yourself you were good enough and strong enough and smart enough so you wouldn't be alone because they'd need you and you'd have some sort of purpose, or did you believe you were those things simply because you thought them to be true?

[It's Dirk's turn to stare, to really stare, not just that expectant or startled look but something like he's been slapped. Like Dave figured out the heart of him and dragged it out to the surface, laid it down bare to be witnessed by all.

When he touches his chest, and rubs, it isn't because of the cough. He swallows back. He tries to find his voice.]

I didn't... It wasn't that I...

[The cough is muted, struggled with. Like he's trying to refuse to let it have its day. When he finishes fighting it, he barely speaks.]

I had to tell myself that.

Then like I said, [ it isn't bro there's a commonality with, it's the kid who said are you taking notes on how to be cool yet, the one who gave the same fucking party line to each of his friends and pretended shit was okay not only to them but to himself because he didn't want to - couldn't - look at the truth - the one who locked himself into a thousand stable timeloops and didn't let himself consider anything but the fact he had to do it because no one else could and they needed that from him, maybe. ] you don't have any personality traits in common with him.

[ dirk's not even the same type of reticent. he looks like bro and sounds like him maybe in a way younger way but there just isn't the overlap that dave keeps waiting for.

like with the fucking profile cards, the person he keeps overlapping with is dave.

it's still a realization he really does not want, because he still doesn't know what the fuck to do with it, but it's hard to ignore. ]

Edited 2017-05-23 18:32 (UTC)

[It means that Dave is like this, not Bro. It means that Dave has much more in common with Dirk than Dirk has with his Bro. At least for this, for the surface reading, because Dirk still doesn't quite understand, he's sure there must be more that Dave just hasn't given him and hasn't had the opportunity to see.

But he can't say anything about that, because he just doesn't know.

After a moment, he ends up saying,]

It isn't like it's guilt that's driving me to be here for you.

Then what is?

[ because as far as dave can tell it's just some desire to know someone dirk never met, and that's...

not enough. not by a long shot. ]

[He can't explain it. There's no real explanation for it, nothing logical or impervious to rational dispute, there's nothing that can be said that Dave can't pick apart. He makes a noise of frustration, which is also a cough.]

It's just—it ain't somethin' logical. I just want to. Nothing you've said or done has made me not want it, it's been the reverse. The more I get to know you the more I want to—

[be his brother? be there? something]

I keep thinkin' that I would've loved to have grown up beside you. That isn't something I can have, but I'm not going to throw away my chance to be with you now.

You wouldn't have, [ and it's not even because of bro, it's just ] I'm not really that great.

[ he can still say he is, if he's pretending, but more and more often it seems a pointless facade. ]

And unless someone figures out a way through these rules, chances are a lot of people ain't gonna get their chances to do much of anythin'.

[Dirk can't be persuaded out of it, though. He's already seen enough of Dave to know what he wants.]

You aren't great the way you told yourself you were, same as I told myself. What I've seen of you, though, including the mistakes you've made, shows me a good dude. Like, really, a better sort of dude I ever imagined talking to when I pictured meeting the legendary guy I idolized. I pictured him as probably being "too cool" to be the type of guy you are. But you know what, fuck being too cool for that. I'm interested in knowing you, here, even as time keeps running out on us.

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