WEEK ONE: WEDNESDAY, THE POOL

[parodeity]

[ so. assuming dirk is still keeping to the schedule, he will find dave skipped dinner tonight but does show up at the poolside around eight, his hands in his pockets and looking...

even more neutral than ever? or. kind of scattered. it's hard to read him still, probably, but he mostly looks about two seconds from jumping the fuck off of something tall.

his first question is: ]

If I ask you to lie to everyone for me, will you. English included.

[ hey what's up how are you today dirk ]

Comments

[splinten]

[Like. That isn't quite the response he expected.]

We like puppets.

[Which. Is not a personality trait. Hang on.]

He seemed like a dude who was totally sure of how right he was. That's a problem I've had to struggle with all the damn time.

[They are not walking anymore. Idiots.]

[parodeity]

You're an awkward mess who isn't sure of yourself at all.

[ ?????????????????????????

maybe could have put that more nicely but. ]

[splinten]

[Okay. Rude, first of all. Also:]

I just came out of watchin' all of my friends die because of my fuckups, give my cripplin' arrogance the leeway of a few vacation days.

[parodeity]

Did you really have that, though, or did you just tell yourself you did?

[ because

and this is actually not a welcome realization, but

because he recognizes more of himself in dirk than he does bro.

the staring proceeds to be a thing again, this time with dismay thrown in to the bargain. ]

[splinten]

[He recognizes the dismay, although he doesn't understand it. Maybe at finally accepting he is, as he said, A Mess.

He speaks quietly, though, because he is answering a question but also speaking about something he hates, and it isn't just to prove a point.]

My sword was used to kill two of my best friends. The sword wouldn't have been around to use by that spiderbitch if I'd done a better job attacking her or used a smarter move.

[It's a case of him-nothim, but Dirk is more closely tied to Brain Ghost Dirk than most of his other splinters, and he feels the blame for what happened.]

When we started the game, I told Jane that I'd be the shadow leader, guiding our group to victory through my supreme machinations. I told her if anything happened, I'd be there to swoop in and fix our mistakes.

You can see why that kind of arrogance took a hit.

[parodeity]

That didn't answer my question. Did you really believe you could do those things, or did you just tell yourself and everyone else you could? Was it a lie you needed to believe or were you actually secure in the knowledge?

[ he's not even sure how to phrase the question because he has tried pretty hard not to think about dirk's circumstances too much. ]

Did you tell yourself you were good enough and strong enough and smart enough so you wouldn't be alone because they'd need you and you'd have some sort of purpose, or did you believe you were those things simply because you thought them to be true?

[splinten]

[It's Dirk's turn to stare, to really stare, not just that expectant or startled look but something like he's been slapped. Like Dave figured out the heart of him and dragged it out to the surface, laid it down bare to be witnessed by all.

When he touches his chest, and rubs, it isn't because of the cough. He swallows back. He tries to find his voice.]

I didn't... It wasn't that I...

[The cough is muted, struggled with. Like he's trying to refuse to let it have its day. When he finishes fighting it, he barely speaks.]

I had to tell myself that.

[parodeity]

Then like I said, [ it isn't bro there's a commonality with, it's the kid who said are you taking notes on how to be cool yet, the one who gave the same fucking party line to each of his friends and pretended shit was okay not only to them but to himself because he didn't want to - couldn't - look at the truth - the one who locked himself into a thousand stable timeloops and didn't let himself consider anything but the fact he had to do it because no one else could and they needed that from him, maybe. ] you don't have any personality traits in common with him.

[ dirk's not even the same type of reticent. he looks like bro and sounds like him maybe in a way younger way but there just isn't the overlap that dave keeps waiting for.

like with the fucking profile cards, the person he keeps overlapping with is dave.

it's still a realization he really does not want, because he still doesn't know what the fuck to do with it, but it's hard to ignore. ]

[splinten]

[It means that Dave is like this, not Bro. It means that Dave has much more in common with Dirk than Dirk has with his Bro. At least for this, for the surface reading, because Dirk still doesn't quite understand, he's sure there must be more that Dave just hasn't given him and hasn't had the opportunity to see.

But he can't say anything about that, because he just doesn't know.

After a moment, he ends up saying,]

It isn't like it's guilt that's driving me to be here for you.

[parodeity]

Then what is?

[ because as far as dave can tell it's just some desire to know someone dirk never met, and that's...

not enough. not by a long shot. ]

[splinten]

[He can't explain it. There's no real explanation for it, nothing logical or impervious to rational dispute, there's nothing that can be said that Dave can't pick apart. He makes a noise of frustration, which is also a cough.]

It's just—it ain't somethin' logical. I just want to. Nothing you've said or done has made me not want it, it's been the reverse. The more I get to know you the more I want to—

[be his brother? be there? something]

I keep thinkin' that I would've loved to have grown up beside you. That isn't something I can have, but I'm not going to throw away my chance to be with you now.

[parodeity]

You wouldn't have, [ and it's not even because of bro, it's just ] I'm not really that great.

[ he can still say he is, if he's pretending, but more and more often it seems a pointless facade. ]

And unless someone figures out a way through these rules, chances are a lot of people ain't gonna get their chances to do much of anythin'.

[splinten]

[Dirk can't be persuaded out of it, though. He's already seen enough of Dave to know what he wants.]

You aren't great the way you told yourself you were, same as I told myself. What I've seen of you, though, including the mistakes you've made, shows me a good dude. Like, really, a better sort of dude I ever imagined talking to when I pictured meeting the legendary guy I idolized. I pictured him as probably being "too cool" to be the type of guy you are. But you know what, fuck being too cool for that. I'm interested in knowing you, here, even as time keeps running out on us.

[parodeity]

I didn't say I did that. [ WHY DOES HE FEEL THE NEED TO DENY THINGS THAT ARE PATENTLY OBVIOUS, OR THAT HE HAS HALFWAY ADMITTED TO, we just do not know.

he's ask if dirk really doesn't think he's cool, but like.

dave has yet to manage a single interaction with the guy without being a complete disaster, so like.

fair. ]

I... [ he...? ] I'm probably gonna make the time run out tryin' to find it.

[splinten]

Yeah, I've figured that one out.

[This time, when he reaches out for Dave, it's very careful. He reaches for a hand, but he's mindful of the fingers. He won't hold it to bruise.]

I'm here helpin' you cover that up anyway.

[parodeity]

I don't have enough. [ he can admit that, at least, even though he's trying. he doesn't have enough to utilize, only has so many people in his pocket and he can't widen the circle easily.

he's still, and he doesn't pull back, but he doesn't return the grip, either. ]

But yeah.

[splinten]

I can't explain it better than that.

[It doesn't make sense in other ways. It isn't a logical and comprehensible action. It's just a deep and undeniable impulse, an ocean wave of need that he can't duck under.]

Every week you do this, I'll do what I can.

[parodeity]

No, I don't have enough...

[ ... ]

People. I don't have enough people for this.

[splinten]

How many do you need and what do you need them to be?

[parodeity]

I don't know. I don't have enough...

[ gestures with his free hand. ]

I got one person backin' me. We don't have enough special rules between us. But what we have has to be enough.

[splinten]

[Dirk is quiet for a moment. Then he nods.]

There might be more that can help. The camera might be able to reveal some of them at the trial.

[parodeity]

Doesn't mean they'll agree to.

[ he tugs his hand back, mostly so he can start walking. for once he does not shove his hands in his pockets, mostly because

his fingers are still pretty broken, obviously, so

yeah ]

Even if I trade myself.

[splinten]

You aren't a bargainin' piece. [Wait Dave's going to argue with that—] You shouldn't be, anyway. We'll figure out if they will or won't agree when we learn more.

[At least Dirk is walking with him?]

[parodeity]

You're not my teammate, dude. I can bargain my shit away if I wanna.

[ if he has to. ]

[splinten]

I never said I was or you couldn't.

[All he really said is that Dave is too valuable as a person to be offered up like a sacrificial piece. But he doesn't expect Dave to get that.]