parodeity | WEEK ONE: WEDNESDAY, THE POOL

WEEK ONE: WEDNESDAY, THE POOL

[ so. assuming dirk is still keeping to the schedule, he will find dave skipped dinner tonight but does show up at the poolside around eight, his hands in his pockets and looking...

even more neutral than ever? or. kind of scattered. it's hard to read him still, probably, but he mostly looks about two seconds from jumping the fuck off of something tall.

his first question is: ]

If I ask you to lie to everyone for me, will you. English included.

[ hey what's up how are you today dirk ]

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Sure it is.

[ he Does Not Buy It. ]

I won't fuckin' bother you about this shit again, okay? This was a one-off. We're fine on our own.

No, we're not. I'm not.

You're not on your own, you have a teammate, I have someone else I can trust, and that shit just ain't gonna overlap.

[ and who really cares if it's just a line dave refuses to allow dirk to cross? there are too many reasons to count, but chief among them is the bone-deep belief that if push comes to shove he will not be able to trust this brother-shaped person. not beyond a certain point, which he shoved up against today. ]

After this week's execution we can just...stop. You focus on your team, I'll focus on mine.

You keep sayin' team like this is some kind of intramural sports competition, but it seriously ain't. I'm not abandoning you.

You're basically guaranteed to.

[ dave strider does not get a guardian who gives a fuck. it's against the rules. and if he does get one, it's definitely not going to be to the degrees rose and john and jade got it. ]

You just said I'm not your Bro.

[He isn't Dave's guardian. He isn't that.]

You're not. That doesn't change what's gonna happen. You've known me for less than a week.

Your logic doesn't hold, dude. You just said you trust absolutely some other person who you've known for the same amount of time.

[He makes a noise of frustration, which you know. Cough!]

I haven't even asked you to trust me. I've told you you could but I haven't expected it, I've just been grateful for every damn opportunity I've been given to help.

...There's a reason for that.

[ THOUGH HE...PROCEEDS TO NOT EXPLAIN... ]

And this is the last time I'll ask you for shit. [ because of the trust, because dirk has a cough still and that's on dave, because -

because maybe dirk will do better at surviving if he isn't caught up in the wreckage of whatever this is. ]

I hope that isn't true.

[Quietly, but not angrily.]

Does that mean you won't see me anymore? [Their eight o'clock awkward hangouts.]

[ he hesitates and hates himself for hesitating. but it's okay. it's okay if it's for the best, and the only family he's ever had who he knows won't let go is rose lalonde, and it's part of why he loves her so desperately.

it still catches in his throat before he says: ]

Sunday'll be the last time. [ and then...what? he proves his own point right just so he doesn't have to think about it? but it's not really important what dave does or doesn't want. there are bigger concerns, like...

the well-being of pretty much everyone who isn't him. except maybe this is the wrong move there, too. logistically he should at least keep asking about the photos, to see if there's anything new to learn, but it's - hard. it's hard, because he wavers and he'll be no use to anyone if he relies on dirk and then it breaks. ]

[Dirk swallows. Even with his sunglasses on, it isn't exactly subtle that this isn't what he wants.]

I'll still wait for you there. If you change your mind.

You won't wait that long. [ there's that weird shift again, the one where he's very obviously fourteen and uncertain of himself and desperately alone, reaching out for some sort of connection - except dirk wasn't the person he reached out to and isn't the person he's decided to trust.

the same impulse that has him prod an open wound is telling him to burn this bridge to the ground before dirk can do it first. ]

Neither of us trusts the other. It's better this way.

Edited 2017-05-23 21:45 (UTC)

It isn't.

[And he will wait that long. Just as he promised, he will wait there every day, for an hour from eight until nine, doing nothing but slumping up against the pool shed and maybe sketching on some paper (art is its kind of construction) or just staring into nothing. He will wait.]

We can't trust one another. [ he just keeps repeating that like some kind of mantra, but it's true to him. can't trust dirk, can't trust dirk, can't trust dirk. ] I'll show up for the rest of the week but after Sunday it's off. And you just...do whatever you're gonna do to keep yourself and English intact, and I'll handle myself.

I don't care [and it's a stupid outburst but it's full of feeling] I still want this. I'm going to be there and I'm going to wait.

[Literally until he dies.]

Well I do! I can't do - this! [ he gestures between them too hard and okay right broken fingers don't wave your hands around, dumbass. ] I can't do this halfway bullshit where I can't trust you when people are gonna fuckin' die and I need someone on my damn side!

[He grabs Dave's hand and it's gentle again—it's to stop that careless waving around that's only going to hurt him more.]

Come or don't come, I'll be there. The offer isn't going to go away.

[He lets go when he thinks the excessive gesticulating will be over.]

[ dave does jerk back this time, though, whether or not it's going to injure his hand further. ]

It doesn't mean anythin' when it's this. [ or maybe it does, but he just - can't let it. ] You're too -

[ and he doesn't know how to finish the sentence, doesn't know how much is too much to say or give away, but dave does know that if he sets things aflame maybe at least - something? god he misses rose maybe she'd put words to everything he's feeling and that would make all those things better somehow. ]

[He doesn't fight it because he doesn't want to hurt Dave anymore. He doesn't speak, either.]

[ at least dave just kind of cradles his hand against his chest and doesn't wave it around any longer? ]

You're too much. [ too much he has always wanted and needed and never acknowledged because no ] And I could love you, and it's too much, because I can never, ever trust you.

[ not here and now, with things as they are, because he will lose every time if he has to compete against anyone else, and dave knows it. ]

So I can't take you up on - this. Because you are going to completely wreck me. [ and maybe that wouldn't fucking matter if he didn't give a damn about anyone else, but he does. ] I know exactly where I stand. Please don't pretend it's anythin' more than what it is.

['And I could love you.'

Dirk's eyes widen behind his shades because it's everything he has ever wanted to hear and be worthy of, it's everything. because it's all he could ask for and Dave is telling him he can't have it.

His mouth opens, breathless. His lips half-form the word please but he doesn't ask it.

What he says, when he finds his voice, is simply this:] Come or don't come. I'll be there.

[ dave shakes his head, backing up. ]

I can't do it again. I'm not gonna take what little I can get and pretend it ain't gonna fuck me up somethin' terrible. Maybe if we weren't here, I could. But I can't do it again and function. I can't be your afterthought.

[ and he has promised thrice that he will be the knight he's supposed to be. he can't fuck himself up and fail that. he takes a breath, and makes himself say the words: ]

Changed my mind. Let's make tonight the last time. I'll go back separate.

You aren't an afterthought.

[That comes out harder than anything because he doesn't want to be abandoned and he doesn't want to be alone but more than that he doesn't want Dave to have that lie in his head.]

You're who I was waitin' for half my life.

Always have been. [ an afterthought. not whoever dirk was waiting for, because that person isn't dave. they have his name, maybe, but he can't really be who anyone was waiting for because...well, he's dave.

he has never once won in a competition between anything else and himself for bro. it's impossible to shove away that mindset in less than a week, when he's stressed the fuck out. ]

Always will be. I gotta go. [ he can't flashstep but he does start heading off, unable to explain himself further than he's tried. the burning desire to leave before he's left is one he can't shake, because he is frankly terrified of dirk; of the music-trading and how dirk helped him tonight and how he keeps seeing himself instead of bro, and how absolutely none of it can be his because he can't let it be. ]

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