parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

Looking back over it now, I think I used 'predisposition' in a misleading way, since that isn't exactly what I meant. Really, it's the exact opposite.

The first three colours I named are the colours I grew up with. They signalled an interruption of isolation. Red, if it meant anything, meant Crockercorp and Condesce Drones. Later, my auto-responder. If anything, I was predisposed to hate red.

[Red is an unpleasant colour. His Bro wasn't red, but the things he hated most were. Red was the colour of things he wanted to destroy.]

What I was trying to express, by selecting red for that and not for the bit about happiness, is that the first three were the experiences of the first sixteen years of my life. For sixteen years, they were the signifier for happiness, the only real signifier for it.

By saying that it was a predisposition to think positively of red, I was retreating into my most inarticulate loquaciousness to try to explain that you completely altered what red signified. That encompasses happiness, but in a unique manner different from breaking isolation. Not that you don't do that, it's just... Red makes me happy in part because of the re-signification, which merits its classification separately from the others.

[Ugh. Ugh, this is stupid. He puts his hands over his face.]

The happy colours are friend colours. The soothing colours are family colours. The predisposition colour is the one that changed everything.

Oh.

[ okay he's. not sure how to take any of that. it was very loquacious and he thinks dirk pretty much stated that red doesn't make him not happy but it's hard to say. or not hard to say, but hard to - believe? it was easier to buy that he wasn't on the list for happiest to look at because he didn't belong there, than that he simply belonged in another category that included some measure of happiness. ]

You listed them in order, so. The lack seemed kind of damning.

I can see that now. But the thing is, you do make me happy. [He... groans at himself pre-emptively and then just says the stupidest thing about this.] It was important to me to set you apart so you'd realize the important, unique role you play in my life.

[AND INSTEAD HE STABBED DAVE IN THE GUT, HE GUESSES?]

Oh. [ YEAH DAVE TOOK THE LACK AS AN INDICATION HAPPINESS WASN'T A THING. good job idiots. ] So yeah, I would have taken that misunderstanding with me to my grave a few weeks ago.

[ fun times ]

The level of idiocy we bring to the table is truly beyond the pale.

[whyyyyy is this how things are. God.]

Thank you for telling me.

[For not throwing distraction powder in the air to keep him from knowing.]

It would help I guess if we were less willin' to believe the worst-case scenario every time.

[ so. ]

I...promised to try to give you a choice.

Probably, yes.

[That is usually when they misunderstand each other. They're very good at understanding so many things, but when it comes to self-loathing their perspectives skew towards the catastrophizing.

He turns his head towards Dave, his hands dropping to his sides.]

You did.

I put it badly. But - about what I would have done, and what I did do. Did you want me to explain that part, or not?

[ dave tilts his head to the side to return the look, though his arms are still crossed over his chest. ]

Please.

[At least Dirk means it sincerely.

also their shades are getting knocked stupidly by this position so dirk will just. take his off? because wow that's dumb.]

No, I mean - I explained it. [ badly because he'd pointed out dirk wouldn't have noticed. ] I wasn't tryin' to say anythin' to make you...feel badly. I was...

[ what? ]

I was holdin' myself accountable. So I wanted you to know.

[Oh. Dirk understands now.]

It means a lot to me. Thank you.

[They are, very stupidly lying on the ground, looking at each other. Dave's hands are folded and Dirk reads that as a sign that he doesn't want to risk contact. Still, Dirk wishes he could hold his hand.]

When you said you would've told me those things a month ago, or before then, I thought you meant that because I'd lost your trust, you didn't want to tell me those sorts of things now.

[He feels like he owes that explanation.]

I wouldn't have told you, even though I trusted you. [ it's not a nice clarification, or an easy one, but it is true. ] It's one of those things I wouldn't have wanted to say to you.

[ too selfish and clingy and needy and bad. ]

I still didn't want to say it.

[ he'd just. done it. dave isn't sure what he should say about trusting or not trusting dirk. it's a scary topic whenever it comes up and he's not sure it effectively matters if he does or doesn't, anyway. he can never quite cut dirk away. ]

[Dirk's hand moves up, over his chest. His fingers curl around the fabric and he thinks that he could think a thousand terrible thoughts, that he could hate himself so much right now. That he does. He isn't sure if he should hate himself more or less.]

Do you feel it was better that you did?

[ he still hasn't taken off his shades. dave does that now, uncrossing his arms and clipping them over his collar and considering. ]

I would have thought the wrong thing forever if I hadn't. But that's not why it was better that I did.

It is in its favour. [You know. Their pile of dumb misunderstandings mostly from self-loathing has to stop getting taller, please.] I'll bite. Why was it better?

[ he doesn't quite cross his arms again, but his hands rest over his stomach, twisting in the fabric of his shirt a little bit. ]

I want to be better. For you?

[Dirk's own hand loosens its grip on the fabric above his heart, but he considers this for a moment.]

Before I respond to that, I'd like to clarify something.

Do you want to be better for the sake of our relationship? Which is to say, making progress so that we can be happier and healthier as brothers, or at least so I'll be happier and healthier, which is partially conditional on your happiness and health, sorry about that.

Or... Are you worried about meeting a standard? Something you have to get better to reach.

[One of those is probably a good thing. One of those is almost definitely a bad thing.]

I'm never goin' to meet the standards I'd need to meet. That's not what it's about.

[ the standards he'd need to meet in order to...? but that doesn't matter. ]

I...don't want to be a waste of time. I want this to work. [ for as long as he can have it. ] I want you to be happier.

[There is a phrase that he doesn't like there, waste of time. Dave can't ever be a waste of time, not just for the dumb aspect jokes either. But he wants to touch the other part first.]

The standards you need to meet... for me?

To keep you. In the event that stuff happens. I'm never goin' to meet those standards, I always knew that. So no, this isn't about tryin' to.

[ he lets his eyes slide shut. ]

We've talked about it before.

[It takes him a half a second, thinking through possibilities.]

My Bro?

He's one of the possibilities.

[ there are a million. but he is also the main possibility. ]

[Dirk is quiet for a moment. He worries about his quiet. He worries Dave will read it into it. So he breaks it, just for a second—] I'm trying to find the right words.

[And then quiet again.

He moves his hand from his chest, and he lets it rest on the floor between them.]

I think... you might not understand the role you have in my life, and the role he has or might. Or rather, you simplify it to a matter of you not successfully filling in the slot of 'brother' and 'Dave' set by him.

Am I right that that's how you understand it, or am I off on this.

[ unlike dirk, dave doesn't get antsy in the quiet. he just breathes. it's always more worrying when he's quiet, probably, because dave rarely shuts the fuck up without cause, unless he's trying to knock himself out. dirk's loquacious, or at least he's wordy as fuck with dave, but he also just goes quiet sometimes.

dave hasn't yet categorized it as "always bad". ]

That's not it. I never thought I could fill in the slot.

I know that part. [Low and gentle in his monotonous voice.] You do think it's the only slot available to you. The one my Bro is capable of feeling but that you fall short of.

You don't think that maybe, you play a totally different role in my life. One that he couldn't ever fulfill.

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i keep having to backflip out to do reserves

I ASSUMED

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