parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

[Dirk's hand moves up, over his chest. His fingers curl around the fabric and he thinks that he could think a thousand terrible thoughts, that he could hate himself so much right now. That he does. He isn't sure if he should hate himself more or less.]

Do you feel it was better that you did?

[ he still hasn't taken off his shades. dave does that now, uncrossing his arms and clipping them over his collar and considering. ]

I would have thought the wrong thing forever if I hadn't. But that's not why it was better that I did.

It is in its favour. [You know. Their pile of dumb misunderstandings mostly from self-loathing has to stop getting taller, please.] I'll bite. Why was it better?

[ he doesn't quite cross his arms again, but his hands rest over his stomach, twisting in the fabric of his shirt a little bit. ]

I want to be better. For you?

[Dirk's own hand loosens its grip on the fabric above his heart, but he considers this for a moment.]

Before I respond to that, I'd like to clarify something.

Do you want to be better for the sake of our relationship? Which is to say, making progress so that we can be happier and healthier as brothers, or at least so I'll be happier and healthier, which is partially conditional on your happiness and health, sorry about that.

Or... Are you worried about meeting a standard? Something you have to get better to reach.

[One of those is probably a good thing. One of those is almost definitely a bad thing.]

I'm never goin' to meet the standards I'd need to meet. That's not what it's about.

[ the standards he'd need to meet in order to...? but that doesn't matter. ]

I...don't want to be a waste of time. I want this to work. [ for as long as he can have it. ] I want you to be happier.

[There is a phrase that he doesn't like there, waste of time. Dave can't ever be a waste of time, not just for the dumb aspect jokes either. But he wants to touch the other part first.]

The standards you need to meet... for me?

To keep you. In the event that stuff happens. I'm never goin' to meet those standards, I always knew that. So no, this isn't about tryin' to.

[ he lets his eyes slide shut. ]

We've talked about it before.

[It takes him a half a second, thinking through possibilities.]

My Bro?

He's one of the possibilities.

[ there are a million. but he is also the main possibility. ]

[Dirk is quiet for a moment. He worries about his quiet. He worries Dave will read it into it. So he breaks it, just for a second—] I'm trying to find the right words.

[And then quiet again.

He moves his hand from his chest, and he lets it rest on the floor between them.]

I think... you might not understand the role you have in my life, and the role he has or might. Or rather, you simplify it to a matter of you not successfully filling in the slot of 'brother' and 'Dave' set by him.

Am I right that that's how you understand it, or am I off on this.

[ unlike dirk, dave doesn't get antsy in the quiet. he just breathes. it's always more worrying when he's quiet, probably, because dave rarely shuts the fuck up without cause, unless he's trying to knock himself out. dirk's loquacious, or at least he's wordy as fuck with dave, but he also just goes quiet sometimes.

dave hasn't yet categorized it as "always bad". ]

That's not it. I never thought I could fill in the slot.

I know that part. [Low and gentle in his monotonous voice.] You do think it's the only slot available to you. The one my Bro is capable of feeling but that you fall short of.

You don't think that maybe, you play a totally different role in my life. One that he couldn't ever fulfill.

That's not really it either.

[ it's halfway right. but not all the way right. ]

It's a moot point until we hit the inevitable Strider deluge?

It isn't moot point. What's am I getting wrong?

Nothin', I guess. You're just...not mine.

[ not entirely not ever really, not his by timeline or universe or anything else he has a tangible claim on over someone else. there is always going to be someone else who matters more, and that doesn't actually bother him. he isn't worried about meeting the standards that would somehow make all of that not matter, because he can't and anyway time eventually makes everything fade. ]

Dirk, I'm not actually, like, upset. I'm not worryin' about that. I'd like to focus on here-now, not there-then.

[There's a moment of quiet again.]

We can move on in a second. Just... before we do. I appreciate by the logic of universes and timelines, you don't have a claim on me as much as I don't have one by you. The logic of universes and timelines, however, is mostly dumb.

Could you... maybe try thinking about the idea that you've been turning me into yours all these months. [He adds, because he wants to be honest.] Truthfully, I've spent a lot of effort trying to make you into mine.

Okay. We can discuss the other thing now.

You don't actually have any competition?

[ he would. try. to consider the turning dirk into his part except 1) he definitely does not deserve that and 2) dirk has always felt like a trap that's too good to be true because yeah he does not deserve that and 3) how the hell can he ever keep dirk permanently. ]

But uh what other thing.

You seriously underestimate my insecurity if you think that matters.

[realtalk dirk is a mess]

The part where you said you don't want to be a waste of time. Like if it didn't work, it would b.

I think deliberately not fixin' things I can try to fix counts as wastin' time.

[ it's not exactly what he said or meant. ]

Is that what you meant?

[Sometimes, he has to just try the yes-or-no questions.

Not with any belief Dave might actually answer with a 'yes' or 'no' but he tries.]

You're...actually willin' to give me time. I don't want to waste it.

[ or make dirk waste it. one of those things. ]

And that's what you meant.

[He needs to have clarification here.]

Yeah. I don't...want you to realize you're wastin' time on me.

[ and if that means making sure dirk is not well. yay? ]

Dave. Knowing you aren't likely to believe me, I'd still like to say something.

[He breathes out, slowly, then takes a breath in. His eyes are watching Dave for a reaction and expecting he won't see what he wishes he would.]

If all of this turned to nothing tomorrow it wouldn't have been a waste of time. Because you've made me a better person, more like the version of myself I'd most like to be, and because I value all of the experiences we had together. I just... don't want it to be nothing tomorrow. I like having this relationship, and learning with you. What red now signifies for me won't be lost. Frankly, I'm too damn clingy for it to go away.

[His eyes shut.]

Okay. That's all I needed to try to tell you. Thanks for letting me.

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