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[parodeity]

DAVE STRIDER

consider this your warning about stairs. itll just keep happening bro. im telling you man

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Comments

[splinten]

[They are cute bugs. The presentation is also cute because obviously Dirk took a picture of them on the monitor. That shit is adorable.]

He has my number but he hasn't rang.

You have a problem, dude. You need to nail this mixtape.

[parodeity]

*yet
he hasnt had an in relationship status on the medias in a while has he

i think i have the tracks picked out i just have to make it
im going actual cassette route
jades mom has a player so it shouldnt like put her out
and maybe the extra effort will help prove im not joking
i think sometimes
she thinks im joking when i mess up and say something serious

2/2

[parodeity]

assuming i dont chicken out and not give it to her
as always

[splinten]

No. He must be having his first dry spell in two years.

She thinks you're joking because you always claim you're joking.
Show me your track list.

[parodeity]

thats one possibility yeah
the other possibility is he stopped being a dumbass and got a crush on someone legitimately awesome

[ look. LOOK. dave is always team his siblings he can't fucking help himself. he is dead certain no one will ever deserve them and they deserve whoever they want? so? ]

yeah gimme 2 seconds

[ he'll send over some music files. ]

[splinten]

Retrospec operating outside the realm of probability is no reason we should too.

[Anyway he shuffles through the files without listening to them all and. As expected.]

You almost got it there with Bellion and Watsky.
Except she's going to read herself into the best friend role. For every single one of these songs.
And assume you sent most of them just as tracks you thought she'd like.
You need to try again with something more obvious.
Try this one.

[he sends over a file]

1/2

[parodeity]

thats not out of the realm of probability
i dont get why anyone wouldnt like you
youre you

[ anyone who doesn't? want to take dirk? or rose? or roxy??? when they want to date them? is insane. there's nothing forced or false about the ways in which dave idolizes and adores his siblings. ]

2/3 actually

[parodeity]

also fuck you not EVERYONE knows

done

[parodeity]

does everyone know

[splinten]

For one thing, some people are not attracted to dudes.
Then there are people who are not attracted to specific kind of dudes. For example, ones that are not blue.

Everyone knows.
Everyone.

[parodeity]

yes dirk im aware not everyone is attracted to dudes
weve had the sexuality talk
i just find it mildly hard to buy jake engish as 100% heterosexual
and it cant possibly be wishful thinking on my part since *i* dont want to mack on him
im just saying
although can we take a moment to acknowledge that blue people is not actually a type
or it shouldnt be a type
why is it a type
hes a neat dude but sometimes i question that particular quirk
and by sometimes i mean whenever you remind me about it because otherwise i forget its a thing
possibly on purpose

also youre hot so he should be attracted to you
we have excellent genetics

but not jade right

[ look

he doesn't call his family hot ON ACCIDENT he just assures them they are apparently now? dave needs help ]

[splinten]

I have pretty good evidence he's attracted to dudes as well as girls.
But his statistics favor a double X.
Sorry that it's a type. If it helps, I also regret that it's a type.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

No, not Jade. Not if she's listening to that Jepsen song and thinking of you.

[parodeity]

ok i can see youre going to be cynical about this so
spend friday night next week w/ me
lets go do something completely stupid
it can double as maybe convincing me to break our apparent death pact here
the death pact of romantic idiocy
or alternately to make our pact even more ironclad if i fuck up but hey

you were lucky enough to be born looking super like me
blessed

there was also the other song she had us sing together
somethin stupid
frank sinatra
that was exquisitely painful and im not sure why i like to torture myself but ig i do
i wonder if dad was this much of an idiot when he was trying to date people
we couldnt have got it from mom

[splinten]

Let's do stupid family friendly fun activity games.
I'll wreck your ticket scores.

You need to reconsider how chronological time works, baby bro.

Invite her to do a duet of Cole Porter's Let's Do It.

[parodeity]

you will not i won last time didnt i
except for the skeesball
i hate skeesball

no see i was so pretty that chronology went fuck it and made me the standard

im not that cruel
to myself or to her
but like
dirk
what do i do if she says no?

[splinten]

You will not win this time. It's my time now.

That makes sense and I totally buy it.

You let me and your sisters take you out for sibling dessert marathon commiseration.

[parodeity]

bring it bro
anyway practice ends early friday so either you can pick me up from there
or i can walk to your place?
or wherever

im glad you see things my way

i mean yeah theres that
shed probably still want to be friends even if she said no right
im not like
wishful thinking there

[splinten]

I can do a krav thing before since it's in the same area and grab you when we're both out.

Of course you aren't. Just consider Jade's character.
If Rose asked Jade out and Jade wasn't interested, wouldn't Jade still want to be her friend?
Jade will always want to be your friend.

[parodeity]

ok
though in this scenario we have to eat before we get our game on
because i will be starving post practice

do you think rose has more of a shot than i do
id say yes to rose first too
but anyway
ok so you think i need to be more
clear
about my attempt

[splinten]

Yeah we can grab food on the way.

In general, yes. Rose absolutely has more of a shot.
In this specific case, I suspect that Rose does not have the advantage.
Be more clear. Be as direct as possible.
Make it completely unambiguous.

[parodeity]

what do you wanna get
keeping in mind my usual dietary restrictions

[ i.e.: he has to eat semi healthy because of the whole dancing thing, sometimes??? most of the times. IT IS A TRIAL. ]

which im willing to waive a lil bit for you as usual

and ok
give me like five minutes

is this the point in time where i say maybe you should take your own advice sometime too

[splinten]

There are stir fry places.

It could be.
But then it would be the point in time where I tell you that I have the situation as under control as possible.
I'll ask him out once he actually shows any indication of turning his interest to me, ok. It isn't like I haven't been dropping hints that he should consider me a possible candidate.

[parodeity]

sure

right
forget i suggested the possibility
but fyi sometimes you miss obvious hints of things people are doing or feeling
maybe i do too
but you DEFINITELY do
i dont mean that in a bratty way or in an arguing the point way
its just a caution kind of way
if you dont take a moment to slow down and consider things
youre gonna miss a hint you actually wouldve cared about one of these days
probably
rose could probably say better than i could admittedly
shes better at that kind of advice
although im not about to ask her for her opinion since its your business not mine

[splinten]

I feel like I just got cautioned by the strange local in a horror movie.
Or prophesied at by the ambiguously magical old person in every other kind of movie.
Is there a thing you know that I missed that you aren't telling me?

[parodeity]

there are a few
but some arent important and some i think you need to work out on your own
maybe
and also you would argue with me
also i could have been even more roundabout but because i love you
i tried to be clear

anyway hows this

[ he tried to be more obvious.

incidentally dave is now mortified and is just lying on the floor of his room making distressed vague noises. ]