parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 1.0;

I am just very specifically asking for not oranges. Can you do that for me? A total of negative oranges between the two slices of bread? Is this a part of your varied skill set?

[ he is on his way to the kitchen coming from his room. ]

Dude I got that but what the fuck do you specifically want on here that you won't throw a fit about? You get jam or meat those are the two options here. If you don't pick one I'm doing both.

[ which you know dave would eat but karkat might not ]

Shit, I don't know. You're putting a lot of pressure on me like this?

[ karkat you can't use that excuse every single time? ]

Five seconds before you get a jam and meat sandwich and have to eat every bite.

[ his mental tone is mostly amused. ]

No! No no, wait, jam! No. Meat? Fuck. Dave, hold on, I'm almost there!

[ HE NEEDS TO GO SAVE HIS SANDWICH DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH, DAVE? ]

Jam's on, here comes the meat.

[ 2 late ]

[ and he is hurrying into the kitchen and ]

Godfuckingdammit, Strider! You do this every single time, I swear to fuck.

[ he is holding a book? ]

[ karkat gets handed a sandwich.

it's jam only. dave's eating the meat and jam monstrosity. ]

You need to get better at making split-second decisions. Is it time for Storytime With Karkat?

[ yay. karkat takes his non-shitty sandwich. but not before setting the book down on the table.

it's a gossip girl personality quiz book. ]

I need you to take this very important test.

[ dave reads the title. ]

Not happening.

[ or like, if he does. he will just. bullshit every answer hilariously to get something incorrect. karkat do you know him at all. ]

What do you mean not happening? I walked across the base to bring this to you. Take it, Dave.

[ he pushes it closer to dave. ]

I'm Blair, apparently.

Dude, you know you're just going to get upset when I don't get...whoever Blair is supposed to be dating. Don't pretend I know who that is.

[ dave proceeds to take a bite of his sandwich instead of taking the trap quiz

he's not sure how it's a trap but clearly it is ]

Is that seriously what you tracked me down for? Wait, who am I kidding, of course it is.

Why do I have to have an ulterior motive? Can't I just want to take a quiz with my [ he quickly looks around to make sure there is no one else entering the room ] boyfriend?

[ no dave is definitely right

this is a trap ]

Just take the fucking quiz, Strider. It'll take a minute.

No, you definitely have an ulterior motive, especially since you bothered to use the dreaded b-word. In potential public.

[ like sure he checked for people listening in but dave's pretty suspicious now. ]

Can't you just fill it out for me? Did you already take it as me and hate the result.

No!

[ yes ]

Oh my fucking god, just do it? [ at this point karkat is literally just going to attempt to force it into dave's hands? fuck your sandwich. ]

...I'm totally spot-on, aren't I, oh my god who did you get when you were roleplaying me?

[ this has to be the dumbest thing anyone has sought him out for so far ]

Please tell me you did something with your day besides fill out personality quizzes as me, babe.

[ he just floats up so he can keep eating his sandwich and the book just hits his chest. ]

I didn't get anyone because that is not a thing that happened. Do you really think I have so much free time on my hand to fill out every single quiz in this book as you? Because I don't. I have a ton of "irons in the fire," as a certain spider bitch would say.

[ he grabs onto dave's shirt and pulls at it? come down?? ]

Stop rejecting me!

Do the irons in the fire include retaking the test a bunch to see if you could rp me into getting something different?

[ 'cause he bets so. ]

Also: not rejecting you, rejecting your teenage girly quizzes, total difference.

They aren't "teenage girly quizzes," Dave. This book is filled with various in-depth questionnaires that really look deeply into your inner psyche. I have learned so much about myself that I would have never realized if I hadn't found this.

[ what if he just... attempts to climb up there... karkat latches himself onto dave and tries to shimmy up? this isn't going to work is it. ]

Dave. Daaaaave. Dave Strider.

What the utter fuck can "being Blair" tell you about your inner psyche. You're so ridiculous.

[ like. it's not going to make dave stop eating his sandwich? but he's a quick eater so that isn't going to take too long he's already been eating a while.

but he's also not landing still because what the hell. ]

Sweeten the deal or fuck off, bro.

The deal is sweetened enough as it is. In fact, it's so sweet that your freakishly flat teeth would fall out after tasting it.

[ this is fine? he can totally climb up dave like a fuckin monkey? he is definitely attempting this right now. ]

And my connection to Blair has opened my eyes to a lot of my faults that I was not aware of before. I want to help you help yourself so let me you fucking jackass.

[ dave drops to the floor again with no warning as karkat scrabbles around. ]

Nope. One kiss per question or I'm not interested. Since I'm not even actually interested to start with. And I get to decide when and where to cash in.

[ how many fucking questions is this test anyway. god.

he's still not gonna not bullshit answers tho... ]

[ what the fuck!! he stumbles a second when dave stops floating. ]

When you say when and where, what exactly falls under that category? Because I have some objections to that? Primarily the part where you decide when and where. And also everything else.

[ karkat waves the book. ] This is an important life lesson waiting to happen, accept it.

Obviously it means I get to decide when and where. Full control over the kissing parameters. That's the only deal I'm offerin', so if you're not up to the challenge, feel free to just rp me some more to take the test.

[ because if he's walking into a trap he is not doing so free of charge, thanks ]

Did any of those irons in the fire include talkin' to Rose like I told you to do, btw.

[ he is about to continue arguing on this very important point, but then dave switches the topics.

karkat still fully plans to continue arguing on this very important point though. in a sec. ]

Oh, yeah. She explained human families to me and also other wise? Earth was weird as fuck, I'm almost glad I didn't have to live there.

[ she also implied that her telling him all of that was relevant to dirk situation but. didn't explain any further. ]

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