parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 1.0;

i already told you its because you dont wanna answer which means its the most important part
ok clock starts now no more whining in ten seconds i go over your head
ten

DON'T DO A FUCKING COUNTDOWN.
YOU ARE ADDING A LOT OF UNNECESSARY PRESSURE BY DOING THIS!
HEY. HEY DAVE.
IF YOU DROP THE WHOLE CONTACTING URSULA THREAT I WILL HOLD YOUR HAND?
I WON'T EVEN LET GO IF I HEAR FOOTSTEPS COMING FROM DOWN THE HALL.
THAT SOUNDS NICE RIGHT?
SOME NICE HAND ACTION.

dude thats the weakest bribe you could go with are you even trying
hang on dirks here
but keep talking about hand action by all means
i might swoon
next you might let me catch a glimpse of your ankles

OK BUT IT BETTER BE DIRK YOU'RE ACTUALLY TALKING TO AND NOT URSULA.
I SWEAR TO FUCK.
ALSO MY ANKLES?
WHAT KIND OF TRAMP DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?
AND WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT IN GIVING YOU A BETTER REWARD IF THIS IS HOW YOU'RE TREATING ME YOU HORRENDOUS TURD.

well you dont want me to talk to ursula right
so
i want it in writing that youre agreeing to a movie date day with movies of my choice
handholding included
otherwise talking to ursula will occur

BUT ALL YOUR MOVIES SUCK, DAVE.
HOW MANY FILMS ARE WE TALKING?
IS IT A FULL DAY OF MOVIES?
I NEED A CALCULATOR HOLD ON.
SHIT THAT'D BE A LOT OF BAD CGI IN ONE DAY.
ARE THERE ANY OTHER TERMS YOU ARE WILLING TO OFFER HERE?

[ this takes a few minutes longer because he has to watch a love actually clip provided by dirk. ]

bad cgi is good cgi weve been over this a thousand times
also nah not all of them
wait
shit
omg i know what i wanna do
i wanna marathon the sbahj movies and i want you to watch them with me and hold my hand
and also i get to kiss you at the end of the date
deal or no deal

THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANT TO DO?
GETTING STABBED SOUNDS MORE ENJOYABLE THAN THOSE FILMS AND, AS SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN STABBED, I AM DEFINITELY QUALIFIED TO RANK IT.
LET'S SAY GETTING STABBED IS AROUND A -2 ON THE FUN SCALE. WATCHING THOSE MOVIES WOULD PROBABLY JUST BE ME SMASHING MY FACE INTO THE KEYS TO GET SOME ABSURD NUMBER.

UGH OK FINE DEAL.

ok were doing this tomorrow and i have it in writing

that said i demand a big proposal scene dude
and a ring
im not marrying you without a ring
what kind of girl do you think i am

WAIT
WHAT.
WHAT THE FUCK.
DAVE STRIDER, WHAT THE FUCK!!
WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
OH MY GOD!
WAS IT URSULA? YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING TO TALK TO URSULA.
........
OH MY FUCKING GOD IT WAS DIRK.
IT WAS DIRK WASN'T IT? IT HAD TO BE DIRK.
TELL DIRK I AM GOING TO SHOVE MY MEDAL SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE'LL ONLY BE ABLE TO TASTE MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS FOR A WHOLE WEEK.

i didnt ask ursula so our deal still stands babe
also yeah
idk how he heard about this though
please explain what went down that were suddenly getting married

even tho im still not marrying you until you propose
also i expect a rad ring

also sure ill pass the message along

I TOLD YOU! I SPOKE TO URSULA AND ONE THING LEAD TO ANOTHER AND SHE WAS SUDDENLY A MAID OF HONOR.
PAY CLOSER ATTENTION?

OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM NOT PROPOSING. WHERE WOULD I EVEN FIND A RING?
YOU'D PROBABLY WANT ONE OF THOSE CANDY ONES AND I AM NOT SURE IF YOU'VE NOTICED, BUT WE ARE LACKING IN CANDY RINGS?
YOUR EXPECTATIONS ARE WAY TOO FUCKING HIGH.

dirk says a taken man shouldnt be cheating on his future bride btw and i think he has a point
im considering calling off this entire engagement tbh you know im all about monogamy
also no you did not tell me i need like details how the hell did one thing lead to another
do you want to get teen married
how do you bring that up on accident bro

i mean loki made dirk a sword im sure he could forge a ring
or dirk could probably fashion a ridic plastic one
you have options
are you saying im not worth a ring kitkat
im hurt

WAIT WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY CHEATING, HOW IS ME SHOVING SOMETHING UP HIS ASS CHEATIOH MY FUCKING GOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAD SOME VERY INTERESTING INFORMATION I COULD HAVE SHARED WITH DIRK BUT I AM KEEPING IT TO MYSELF NOW.
WOW, KEEPING THINGS TO YOURSELF?
WHAT A FUCKING CONCEPT! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT SOMETHING LIKE THIS WAS EVEN POSSIBLE!
LOOK AT ME, NOT SAYING UNNECESSARY BULLSHIT!
IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING PARTY THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO RECEIVED AN INVITATION TO. WHY?
BECAUSE DIRK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SHUT THE FUCK UP APPARENTLY!

ALSO NO I AM NOT ACCEPTING A RING FROM LOKI?
THERE WAS A SPOODERMAN IN THE SHOWER STALL I WENT INTO THIS MORNING.
HOW DID HE EVEN KNOW WHICH STALL I WAS GOING TO USE??
I REFUSE!!
AND YOU ARE NOT HURT YOU FUCKING LIAR.

i cannot believe that you didnt catch that one immediately except i can
man im not gonna carry on back and forthing for you guys much longer you can always text him a list of complaints you know
also
as brother to the bride he has a stake in this shit

wait you dont like loki
man why do you always gotta hate on all my friends
lokis great
even if he also refused to marry me

WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT.
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MARRYING LOKI?
OR TRIED TO MARRY LOKI?
THIS IS BULLSHIT.
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T GET A SHITTY PLASTIC RING. THIS EXACT REASON.

i wasnt it was a joke
i think hes too old for me anyway
but you know until you propose to me proper you have no say in my marriage prospects

i mean
aside from the dating part
but youre supposed to put a ring on things you like man
beyonce was a wise sage

YOU ARE FULL OF SO MUCH SHIT, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?
WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN DO IF I ACTUALLY PROPOSED?
YOU CAN ACT ALL COOL AND SHIT THROUGH TEXT BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH, STRIDER.
YOU ARE A GODDAMN LOSER.
ALSO WHO IS BEYONCE.

youre just gonna have to propose and find out man
also here listen to this

[ why the fuck does he have this music file ]

I AM NOT PROPOSING TO YOU WITH A SONG AND DANCE NUMBER.
I MEAN, I KNOW THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU MEANT WHEN YOU SENT ME THAT.
BUT THAT IS ALSO THE KIND OF INANITY THAT YOU WOULD ENJOY?
SO JUST THROW THAT DREAM OUT THE WINDOW.
THE METAPHORICAL WINDOW, I MEAN, SINCE WE CAN'T ACTUALLY OPEN ANY WINDOWS HERE OR ELSE WE'D GET FLOODED AND DIE.
DIE LIKE THE IDEA OF A SONG AND DANCE ROUTINE.

so youre saying youve given thought as to how you would propose to me

OK YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY IS THIS ALL ON ME ANYWAY.
YOU COULD DO THE PROPOSING AS WELL. I NEVER TOLD URSULA HOW IT APPARENTLY WENT DOWN.
I REALLY DON'T APPRECIATE HOW I'M EXPECTED TO DO ALL THE DIFFICULT PARTS OF THIS RELATIONSHIP, DAVE.
WHILE YOU JUST SIT AROUND, GOSSIPING WITH DIRK.
YOU PROBABLY DELIVERED MY MESSAGES TO HIM REALLY BADLY TOO, DIDN'T YOU?
I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

because youre the romantic one supposedly
or so you keep claiming
also i love you too but you already knew i was a shitty messenger when you drafted me for the position so
thats on you honestly

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU.
I AM GOING TO PROPOSE AND IT WILL BE THE BEST PROPOSAL OF ALL TIME?
IT WILL BE SO TOUCHING THAT DIRK'S FACE WILL TWITCH SLIGHTLY, ACTUALLY BETRAYING A SLIVER OF EMOTION.
AND THEN YOU, THE PROPOSEE,
WAIT, IS THAT A WORD?
WHATEVER.
YOU, THE PROPOSEE, WILL BE PUT ON THE SPOT AND WILL NEED TO COME UP WITH SOME SORT OF ANSWER ASAP.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT WHEN THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FUCK, DIPSHIT.

eh
ill believe it when i see it
a fancy proposal and a ring courtesy karkat vantas seems farfetched
also i vote we make proposee a word

[ dave is playing with fire, as usual

dave stop ]

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