parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 1.0;

[ sometime before this, karkat definitely both tried calling dave and contacting him via telepathy before suddenly stopping after saying like half a word. any attempt dave would have made to get in touch back would have been ignored and now finally he is getting this. ]

OK SO FIRST OF ALL I NEED TO PREFACE THIS BY SAYING I DID NOTHING WRONG.
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THIS FACT, DAVE AND REPEAT AFTER ME:
KARKAT VANTAS DID ABSOLUTELY *NOTHING* WRONG.
ONCE YOU ACCEPT THIS AS THE COMPLETE AND UTTER TRUTH WE CAN MOVE ONTO THE REST OF THIS CONVERSATION WITHOUT WASTING TIME BICKERING ON SHIT THAT DOES NOT MATTER.
AS WE TEND TO DO.
NOT THAT I DON'T ENJOY OUR LITTLE SPATS. YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE WHEN YOU ACTUALLY TRY TO WIN INSTEAD OF JUST SHRUGGING YOUR UPPER ARM GUARDS IN THAT NONCHALANT COOLKID WAY OF YOURS THAT IS OBVIOUSLY STAGED.
WAIT SHIT I AM GETTING OFF TOPIC HERE. I'M ACTUALLY NOT ENTIRELY SURE HOW TO APPROACH THIS SUBJECT? I MEAN OBVIOUSLY I HAVE ALREADY APPROACHED IT.
THIS IS ME, KNOCKING VERY HARD ON THE ENTRANCE OF THE SUBJECT'S HIVE, WAITING TO BE LET IN.
OH MY FUCKING GOD ALRIGHT THIS IS JUST GETTING STUPID. STUPIDER THAN THE USUAL LEVEL OF STUPID, WHICH IS NORMALLY ALREADY PRETTY HIGH.
YOU WOULD THINK LEAVING THE GAME AND ENTERING AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT UNIVERSE THAT'S SET TO DIFFERENT RULES WOULD SOMEHOW LESSEN THE STUPID METER BUT OH NO. IT'S STILL RISING. NOTHING CAN STOP THIS TRAIN. CHOO MOTHERFUCKING CHOO.
UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
RIGHT SO DAVE. I JUST NEED TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR THAT IF YOU HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT WEDDINGS TO JUST IGNORE IT? IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S JUST A JOKE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER OF US.
ALSO REMEMBER THE FIRST POINT THAT IS THE FACT THAT I DID NOTHING WRONG EVER.

[ oh good karkat's finally following up on whatever the hell he kept contacting dave for, dave was somewhat concerned though he was pretty sure it wasn't too serious ]

we both know you think im always attractive even if i just shrug my shoulders at your nonsense
anyway
whatd you do wrong
whos getting married
im obviously not gonna ignore it have you met me
this sounds like pure comedy gold
especially considering it took you what
over five hours to work up to this
thats a rhetorical question btw i know exactly how long its been since you started prank calling me
by the way dude i would have gone with is your refrigerator running or something but thats just me

WHAT? NO THAT WASN'T ME.
I AM PRETTY SURE YOU ARE JUST CONFUSING ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE THIS IS 100% THE FIRST TIME I HAVE CONTACTED YOU ALL DAY.
DIDN'T WE ALREADY ESTABLISH THAT I AM NOT WRONG WHICH MEANS THAT I AM NOT WRONG ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR THING EITHER.
STOP ACCUSING ME OF SHIT?
ALSO REFRIGERATORS DO NOT FUCKING RUN DAVE, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT.
THEY ARE STATIONERY KITCHEN APPLIANCES I WAS NOT HATCHED YESTERDAY.

wait shit karkat is your refrigerator not running
you better get that checked man
we can call dirk to get a look at it

I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING REFRIGERATOR!
I MEAN I GUESS I DO BUT IT'S *OUR* REFRIGERATOR.
OH GOD THIS IS SOME DUMB HUMAN JOKE THING RIGHT? WHY AM I EVEN PLAYING ALONG.
WHY DON'T YOU GO CHECK THE FUCKING FRIDGE THEN IF IT ISN'T RUNNING.
I WILL REMAIN HERE, NOT CHECKING IT AND ALSO NOT CALLING DIRK.

yeah but we did it backwards
anyway dude do you really think you can say like half a word and ill just magically not know its you if you hang up
i know what your voice sounds like
ive known you for years now bro
its not like its rocket science
anyway whatd you do and what does marriage have to do with the price of eggs in china
did you get engaged
are you marrying someone
im offended here who isnt respecting the right of dibs

WHY DO YOU JUST IMMEDIATELY LEAP TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I'M MARRYING SOMEONE?
MAYBE I WANTED TO DISCUSS THE FILM RUNAWAY BRIDE?
JULIA ROBERTS REALLY OUTSHONE RICHARD GERE IN THAT ONE, DIDN'T SHE?
SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING ON TROLL JULIA ROBERTS THOUGH LIKE HOLY FUCK. TALK ABOUT A METHOD ACTRESS?
I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE ACTUALLY DID ALL OF THOSE STUNTS. AMAZING.

because you obviously fucked something up and idk how marriage would come into it otherwise
again
ask me a question that requires like minimal intelligence here dude
im not john egbert i can put puzzle pieces together
i know there are four quadrants

also what the hell there arent stunts in runaway bride
are there
its just one of your romcoms the most interesting thing to ever happen in any of them was like
a slapfight over a dress
you cant call that shit a stunt man
its honestly embarrassing to everyone involved

WELL OBVIOUSLY WE NEED TO REWATCH RUNAWAY BRIDE NOW AS YOU WERE CLEARLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION THE FIRST TIME?
WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING? OF COURSE YOU FUCKING WEREN'T, YOU FALL ASLEEP DURING ALL OF THEM.

ALSO IT'S NOT EVEN A MAJOR FUCKUP. IT'S A PRETTY MINUSCULE ONE ON THE GRAND SCHEME OF FUCKUPS?
I JUST HAVE A FEELING THAT THIS WILL SOMEHOW COME BACK TO BITE ME IN THE NOOK SO I JUST WANTED TO GET TO YOU FIRST.
BEFORE ANYONE ELSE MAKES IT SEEM LIKE A BIGGER DEAL THAN IT IS.
WHICH, I AM AWARE, THAT I AM CURRENTLY DOING PROBABLY. AM I DOING THAT?

ok but i refuse to stay awake during it again
julia roberts is fine i guess but all her movies blur together for me in one amorphous chick flick blob
maybe if she blew stuff up more id sleep less just sayin

also you arent doing that currently
the getting to me first part
since i still have yet to know how you minusculely fucked up
minusculy
ok neither of those looks right that cant be a word
on what minuscule scale did you fuck up
im lost
this is me flashing you smoke signals asking for directions
send help sos

THERE IS NO POINT IN WATCHING IT AGAIN IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO FALL ASLEEP.
AGAIN.
WHY THE FUCK WOULD JULIA ROBERTS BLOW SHIT UP WHEN SHE IS GETTING MARRIED.
THAT IS NOT HOW WEDDINGS WORK, DAVE! I AM NOT EVEN HUMAN AND I UNDERSTAND THIS CONCEPT.

OK JEGUS FINE LOOK.
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING LET'S SAY THAT THERE MAY BE A CERTAIN AI THAT WE BOTH KNOW.
THIS AI MAY OR MAY NOT BE REAL AS, LIKE I SAID, THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION.
BUT THIS AI WHOSE NAME MAY RHYME WITH BURSULA MIGHT BE UNDER A CERTAIN IMPRESSION THAT MAY OR NOT NOT CONSIST OF BEING THE MAID OF HONOR TO A WEDDING.
AGAIN, THIS IS ALL HYPOTHETICAL.

sure there is
you get to have your julia roberts fix and i get a nap
wheres the downside
also maybe she should stop getting married and fight crime then

ok thats pretty cute
whose wedding is she gonna be the maid of honor at
hypothetically
by which i mean non hypothetically since obviously this is a thing that took place

WHY CAN'T SHE DO BOTH?
SHE CAN GET MARRIED AND HAVE A RESPECTABLE CAREER FIGHTING CRIME.
LET HER WALK DOWN THE DAMN AISLE SHE WENT THROUGH SO MUCH FOR IT.

IT DID NOT TOOK PLACE. YOU WEREN'T FUCKING THERE SO HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW?
ANY-FUCKING-WAY.
IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHOSE WEDDING IT'S GOING TO BE.
BUT NOW URSULA IS ALL EXCITED TO BE A MAID OF HONOR AND WHAT IF THE PLAN GOES WRONG, DAVE?
THEN WE'D HAVE A DEPRESSED AI WHO JUST WANTED TO WEAR A DRESS THAT IS FAR SUPERIOR TO THE OTHER BRIDESMAIDS' YET STILL UGLIER THAN THE BRIDE'S.
AND WHO WILL PEOPLE BLAME? PROBABLY FUCKING ME. AGAIN. LIKE ALWAYS.

i dont care if she does both but so far she is zero for zero on the explosives from what youve shown me

ok i am two seconds away from contacting ursula to find out whose wedding were talking about
it matters because you are trying so hard not to say it
also youre right
how dare you get her hopes up for whatever the fuck
clearly you just gotta do it

JULIA ROBERTS WAS NOT SNUBBED BY THE ACADEMY FOR HER ROLE IN PRETTY WOMAN FOR YOU TO TALK ABOUT HER THIS WAY YOU TASTELESS PRICK.

AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE CONTACT HER.
SHE HAS HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH SOCIAL INTERACTION FOR ONE DAY I THINK DON'T TIRE HER OUT, ASSHOLE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BEING THE CONSIDERATE ONE RIGHT NOW, GEEZ.
AND I AM NOT TRYING HARD NOT TO SAY IT?
IT IS JUST SO UNIMPORTANT IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THIGNS THAT THERE IS NO POINT IN ME MENTIONING IT. IT COULD BE ANYONE'S WEDDING, JUST REPLACE THE COUPLE WITH ANY RANDOM PAIRING ON THIS BASE.

yeah ok you have ten seconds to come clean before i contact my ai adopted sister
since i guess thats a thing
starting riiiiiiiight
now

is pretty woman the one where she was a hooker

YES IT'S THE HOOKER MOVIE.
WAIT, ME ANSWERING THAT DIDN'T COUNT FOR THE TEN SECONDS DID IT?
HOLD ON. START THE CLOCK OVER AGAIN I WASN'T READY YET.
ALSO WHY DID YOU ASK THAT AFTER YOU ALREADY STARTED THE CLOCK.
BECAUSE THEN I TOOK A FEW SECONDS TO READ THAT LAST SENTENCE OVER, WHICH TOOK AWAY FROM MY ALLOTTED TIMESPAN.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT YOU'RE FUCKING CHEATING.
DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TALK TO HER, STRIDER.
WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED ABOUT WEDDINGS ANYWAY?
YOU SEEM TO BE STRANGELY FOCUSED ON THAT ONE SPECIFIC DETAIL THAT DOESN'T EVEN ACTUALLY MATTER WHEN COMPARED TO EVERYTHING ELSE.

i already told you its because you dont wanna answer which means its the most important part
ok clock starts now no more whining in ten seconds i go over your head
ten

DON'T DO A FUCKING COUNTDOWN.
YOU ARE ADDING A LOT OF UNNECESSARY PRESSURE BY DOING THIS!
HEY. HEY DAVE.
IF YOU DROP THE WHOLE CONTACTING URSULA THREAT I WILL HOLD YOUR HAND?
I WON'T EVEN LET GO IF I HEAR FOOTSTEPS COMING FROM DOWN THE HALL.
THAT SOUNDS NICE RIGHT?
SOME NICE HAND ACTION.

dude thats the weakest bribe you could go with are you even trying
hang on dirks here
but keep talking about hand action by all means
i might swoon
next you might let me catch a glimpse of your ankles

OK BUT IT BETTER BE DIRK YOU'RE ACTUALLY TALKING TO AND NOT URSULA.
I SWEAR TO FUCK.
ALSO MY ANKLES?
WHAT KIND OF TRAMP DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?
AND WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT IN GIVING YOU A BETTER REWARD IF THIS IS HOW YOU'RE TREATING ME YOU HORRENDOUS TURD.

well you dont want me to talk to ursula right
so
i want it in writing that youre agreeing to a movie date day with movies of my choice
handholding included
otherwise talking to ursula will occur

BUT ALL YOUR MOVIES SUCK, DAVE.
HOW MANY FILMS ARE WE TALKING?
IS IT A FULL DAY OF MOVIES?
I NEED A CALCULATOR HOLD ON.
SHIT THAT'D BE A LOT OF BAD CGI IN ONE DAY.
ARE THERE ANY OTHER TERMS YOU ARE WILLING TO OFFER HERE?

[ this takes a few minutes longer because he has to watch a love actually clip provided by dirk. ]

bad cgi is good cgi weve been over this a thousand times
also nah not all of them
wait
shit
omg i know what i wanna do
i wanna marathon the sbahj movies and i want you to watch them with me and hold my hand
and also i get to kiss you at the end of the date
deal or no deal

THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANT TO DO?
GETTING STABBED SOUNDS MORE ENJOYABLE THAN THOSE FILMS AND, AS SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN STABBED, I AM DEFINITELY QUALIFIED TO RANK IT.
LET'S SAY GETTING STABBED IS AROUND A -2 ON THE FUN SCALE. WATCHING THOSE MOVIES WOULD PROBABLY JUST BE ME SMASHING MY FACE INTO THE KEYS TO GET SOME ABSURD NUMBER.

UGH OK FINE DEAL.

8/1..... sometime in the evening probably

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