parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

Ok, maybe that's the case re: cookies, but I think you just want some. Am I wrong?

[ he could be, but.

dave hums in thought. ]

I didn't say you haven't been. But I do think, like I thought back then, that no one deserves to have to listen to shit about...what I think or went through or any of it. I think it puts things on you that you shouldn't have to have on you. I do think your life would be better if I omitted that shit and you got the filtered crap and the good effects that would come from that. I'm not sayin' I will, but I do think that every time you find out anythin' else it just makes shit harder on you, and you don't deserve it. Probably it would be healthier if you didn't have to go through it.

I wouldn't say 'no' to cookies.

[Cookies are cool? But.]

It's a lot to handle. I'm not going to argue with that. It was a heavy thing to get confronted with. The thing is, when we talked, I'd basically decided I was an inherently toxic person who shouldn't be around anyone because all I was capable of was hurting them. You gave me a critique of the things I was anxious about, but it was fair-minded, and it allowed for a difference between me and the worst version of myself. I thought I already was that worst version, but you showed me that there was space for me to be someone else. Going from that, the more I learn, the easier it is for me to understand and assess myself more fairly. I've been able to become a person I kinda like, and that's because of you.

Because you want them.

[ he will. respond to the other thing in a second they have to nail down this cookie thing here first clearly? ]

[Dave. Why. Dirk looks at him for a moment because dammit.]

Yes.

Why didn't you just say so?

[ THAT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A SENTENCE HE, DAVE STRIDER, SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY TO ANYONE EVER IN ANY FAIRNESS BUT. whatever he is saying it! ]

[This time Dirk just looks him dead in the eyes.

Because yeah, what the brackets said.]

We could've been makin' 'em if you'd said so.

[ casually ignoring all brackets since forever ]

We were drawin'. It isn't urgent.

It never stopped bein' unfair.

[ a pause. he's abruptly not talking about cookies any longer, sorry dirk. ]

It wasn't fair when I went off on you back then, and I knew it and said so, not matter what you thought about it. You though it was fair, I think, because you tried ot take responsibility that wasn't even yours. But it has never stopped bein' unfair when any of it leans on you. It never gets less heavy. And you're not really the person it should be on. No one actually is. If it's helped you in some ways, that's great. But maybe it doesn't always.

[ ... ]

I'm not really goin' anywhere with this. It's just pointless bullshit.

[Dirk frowns. But it's gentle. He is trying to listen, he really is. He doesn't agree but he wants to listen and understand like Dave asked him to.]

How do you think it's hurt?

You worry about things that you shouldn't have to? Mostly.

[ dirk shouldn't have to be careful about jagged edges and broken pieces when none of it had anything to do with him - not really. it was all bro, or dave, or the things inbetween, and dirk hadn't had a single thing to do with any of it. ]

It's a lot to handle, you just said so. And I worry it's going to wear you out.

Nah. Endurance is my best stat. [He takes Dave's hand in his.] I've mentioned before that I enjoy worrying. It comes with caring, and I'm grateful that I get to care about you like this.

You have. But...

[ dave will allow the handholding and just trails off. ]

Seriously, nevermind. Idk where I was goin' with this, it barely matters.

[Dirk is quiet with it for a moment. He thinks he might understand.]

Are you scared that all these things are gonna wear out my love for you?

[ like, yes, that's one concern, but dave's constantly worried dirk will flip to not loving him so it's barely important. ]

I'm worried that my shit might make your shit harder to deal with, and it might...be too heavy for you at some point. But you usually don't let me not say things to spare you the trouble.

You mean the things your Bro did, with reference to me hatin' myself.

[Clarifying because he really does want to understand.]

Or are you worried about the suicidal thing?

I always worry about that, that's not what I'm talkin' about.

[ a genuinely honest statement out of perfect surprise. ]

I mean that...I don't know what I mean. You shouldn't have to deal with the ways in which I'm broken, especially when you're doin' well on shit. I worry about it makin' you backslide, or makin' you think you have to do shit you don't just because I'm...dumb?

[Ah. Dirk tries again.] You think that you're a burden because you aren't always okay.

Yeah.

[ more to the point: ]

And sometimes it makes you...change things.

Like how I act? [Wanting clarification on this too. There are definitely things he has changed, but the ones that count are ones they've worked on together.]

That's part of it. But you make allowances for me, or my comfort, too.

[ this is said like it's a bad thing so w/e ]

[Yeah it is. Which is bad.] You mean like with puppets.

Yeah. And the part where my being... [ ok. he's avoided saying it explicitly, but. ] The part where I don't like Hinata might mean something.

[ they were talking about it anyway. he's spent like three or four months not confirming it. but. ]

[Okay. That makes a little more sense. Dirk's expression is quiet, maybe a little sad, but not rejecting it out of hand.]

It does mean something, because you mean a lot. I think, though, that that's how ordinary people feel about things. It seems like it's just how people are that they group together to protect the people that they're closest to. It's the tribe thing or whatever, evolutionary psychology is dubious at best. But it seems like people prioritize their own over those who aren't. I don't really see how my decision to put you first has to do with what you see as your brokenness. [He'll listen if Dave tries to explain it. It just doesn't seem right.]

I'd be fine with the dude if I weren't. And I...get that. That people do that. I've done it. I'll do it, still, if it comes up. I just...don't know how to take it being done for me, and I worry a little that it's a bad thing it is, when the root cause is, you know, my issues. Not anything they're doin'.

[ a shrug. ]

I'm not askin' you to change one way or the other, here. No unilaterals.

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