parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

...Yeah.

[ obviously dirk is putting it in his own personal experience, but. yeah. that's it. that's the thing dave was trying to get across earlier, and now. he doesn't like putting the heavy shit or the negative shit on dirk because it's heavy and it might make dirk unhappy. it's complicated by the part where not knowing shit tends to make dirk unhappy, but even so.

he hates it when he spoils dirk being legitimately happy just by kind of existing and not being able to handle something. ]

You deserve to be happy, all the time. So I really hate ruinin' that.

[Of course it's Dirk's own feelings. But of course they often feel the same way. It's a weird mirror, and sometimes it's in the best ways and sometimes it's all the worst things they share. But it means he can understand this, and he remembers Dave once said he was somehow grateful if what his Bro did helped him understand Dirk. Dirk can't agree with that, but sometimes Dirk is grateful for all the ways he is messed up enough to understand.

He reaffirms his grip on Dave's hand.]

Thanks. For caring about me, and thinking I deserve that kind of happiness.

How the hell could I not?

[ like. honestly. every time he's deliberately tried to ditch dirk, the base cause has usually been i'm making you unhappy and want to stop. ]

I've thought that pretty much since the end of our first conversation.

That I deserve it?

[Oh. That does mean a lot.]

You made me happy then.

Like I said. It was pretty clear to be that you were a good guy who was strugglin' wit shit.

[ not a person who didn't deserve happiness. maybe not perfect, but who the fuck was? ]

[Dirk is quiet for a second.]

Can I hug you.

[He doesn't normally ask but he—he has to. Dave doesn't know how important the things he's saying are. Dirk needs to ask because he thinks maybe Dave doesn't want that right now but what he is saying means a lot.]

Uh, yes? The blanket you-can-touch-me is still in effect.

[ and he isn't specifically avoiding contact just this second for any reason, so. ]

I know. I just...

[Well whatever he's gonna cling to Dave now. Just full on Strider cling. Suck it.]

This is what you do for me.

[Tells him he deserves happiness. Tell him he isn't a bad person. Disagree with all the worst things he thinks of himself like it's nothing, knowing what Dirk is like, knowing what he could be. Dave saves Dirk. Nothing can ever change that.]

Let you cling to me?

[ dirk entirely lost him here. apparently drawing is just not happening today and that's fine, so dave slides his arms around dirk to return the hug. this is Fine. ]

You're welcome? I'm pretty sure all your friends would be cool with you doin' it, though.

No, Dave. [Come on.] Things like that. You ... know me and say things like that anyway. [That was difficult to say and he doesn't know if he explained it right.]

Again: the shit I just said is definitely shit other people would tell you, too. And they know you.

[ like. ]

I know not the same way I know you. But I think you're underestimatin' them, maybe, or overestimatin' me.

They know me now, but it ain't—[Ugh. He can't explain it.] It's different from you. You are uniquely capable of getting through all the layers of bullshit I drown myself in your own specific and highly effective way.

...By lookin' at you and callin' bullshit?

[ does. does he have a secret method beyond that which dave himself is unaware of, because actually he's pretty sure that could be possible and yet. ]

No, it's like... [Goddammit. Words.] I can't explain it. The way you do it is just different. It has been since we first met, and that wasn't because of anything else, it was because of, I guess the only way to say it, how you were you.

Because I've always known some version of you.

[ his second guess at trying to figure out what dirk is saying. ]

No, not that. I said it wasn't because of anythin' else. That covers your Bro and mine. It's because of how you... are. [He is not doing well on this. He knows that.] It's because somehow, the conspiratorial efforts of Paradox Space sent out exactly you to just... affect me like this. Your exact way of being, precisely calibrated to be more effective against the impenetrably dense wall of self-hatred I'd built up.

[There's a helpless noise. He can't find a way to say it.]

It's just you, Dave.

[ that sounds impossibly weird and sweet and sappy and too real and dave has no idea what to do with it. but he does get it. ]

This is about the genetic heartbreaker shit.

[He remembers Dave saying that. He nods, vaguely, against Dave's shoulder.] It probably is basically the same thing, yeah.

[It's just Dave, being exactly who he is, this him, this way, somehow gets to Dirk like this. It can't be explained beyond that.]

Maybe a little different. But similar enough?

[ since dave is pretty sure they approach it in different directions sometimes. ]

...I mean, it doesn't really matter if I get it. As long as it helps, I'm glad?

Similar enough. It just means... [It's another difficulty with words. Dave's shoulder is easier to press into than it is to talk with.] It's a specificity and a necessity that, combined, make for a person that can't be substituted or removed.

So, uh... you hit home, in a good way. And it doesn't work the same way as it would with anyone else. Basically. [Yup. There we go. His best shot at wording stuff.]

I love you, too.

[ that, dave thinks, probably sums it up. at the heart of the matter. ]

[There's a little breath of amusement. Yeah, Dave has it.] I was fuckin' doomed to love you from the moment you apologized and shoved your face into my chest. Or maybe the second you started talkin' about good and evil, and how consciousness of one's morality and the related choices are major determining factors. Or, technically, I guess since Paradox Space decided that all the things that were going to be things would be things, up to and includin' me loving you enough to eclipse a whole history of my own shit. Whatever. Doesn't matter.

I love you too.

[That's what matters.]

Edited (was not actually trying to have that accent there) 2017-03-06 08:47 (UTC)

If it helps, you make me come undone at the seams, too.

[ which is maybe good? it doesn't sound like it should be but maybe they both need to get broken down into pieces because they built themselves up wrong the first time and no one ever fixed that. they just have to resort the glass into something a little more whole, or something. ]

I'm gonna say 'you're welcome' to that one. [It doesn't sound good, but Dirk thinks he gets it. Dirk has often resented his title as a destroyer, but maybe it isn't all bad. Maybe it's just a lot of work to do.]

No one else ever has. [ except bro. but that wasn't the same. he'd never stayed around to help pick up the pieces. ] So.

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