You don't need to fix anything. [ except he actually remembers that he told john he was working on asking for certain things, and he's proceeded to...attempt to do that with other people and give up about two steps in to "hey i don't like x can you not do it" when they ignore the request. it's the same rut of not bothering to take step one after failing so many times in a row. ]
I just, [ hm ] It's not like it's not my own damn fault, but I don't know if I can like...
[ more vague hand gestures. ]
It's not really okay to talk about. I promised you time and I'll deal. Don't worry about it.
I don't understand. [Not entirely, not really.] I know what I said but I...this wasn't supposed to be about you just dealing with it. That's not fair to you either.
[ dave runs a hand through his hair, breathing out slow. ]
...I'm fuckin' this up. I fucked it up. Shit. Can we just...forget I ever mentioned it? You're chill, seriously, just...don't sweat it? If we want to talk "fair" I never should have brought it up. I'm sorry.
Put the camera away and come here for a second. [What in the fuck is going on, he sure doesn't know, but it's not hard to read between the lines after months (years, lifetimes) of knowing how Dave operates.]
[Once Dave's in front of him there's a pause because well. Now he wonders if this idea is just going to make things worse but Dave's freaking out about something while playing it cool and he's not going to ask what it is...but with his hands free he shifts to take both of Dave's hands in his and standing up on his toes to kiss his forehead instead.]
Don't freak out on me yet, okay? [It's mumbled, but he's not interested in forcing Dave to talk when he doesn't want to.]
Not on purpose. Sorry. I don't really know what that means, but I'm not really interested in mind games. [He's not quite 100% sure they're talking about the same thing.]
--get over it. [Ah. Of course.] So you want to just...stop. Even though you like me. [Two and two are not making four currently and he's giving Dave a very level look.]
You need to back off. I need to back off. I can't do the romantic shit while we're in limbo and I constantly don't know if it's all right to react and I can't anyway because that's the exact opposite of giving you time, okay? I can flirt with my friends and perfect strangers if it's not remotely serious but I am serious and that means the rules are a little different. I don't know if I have to make myself get over you or not yet, and I might not ever know, so you need to give me time to at least learn to pretend.
[...oh. For a minute John sort of just stares at him like he's trying to comprehend what's being said, but it's pretty obvious. Dave already thinks this is going to blow up somehow and John...doesn't quite know how to assure him of that when he's not sure what to do.
He's serious, too, but he told Dave he needed time and now here they are. Limbo. He's aware he could offer up his protests right now but he's not sure Dave would even believe him.
So...he lets go of his hands and nods slowly. Back off. He can back off like Dave needs right now.]
...okay. [It sounds casual and off to his own ears and he gives Dave another slight smile.] I'm sorry, I didn't...[Don't make excuses, you stupid fuck.] I'm sorry. [He turns back to look at the last house on the stream.] I get it. It's not fair to you.
I'm sorry, too. I'm bein' less than fair but I just... [ can't handle it? god, he really is pathetic. the words what would bro think are useless because he wouldn't think anything, but they flicker by anyway, a relic from a bygone era that's never quite bygone. ]
I said I would give you time and I want to do that. And I don't want to...burn everything down, so just. I'm going to stop doing the thing where I say the first thing to come to mind with you even when it's seriously ill-advised or...you know. And the thing where I make up excuses to - anyway. I just...yeah. I'm sorry, this is my fault, just...yeah.
I should have known better. It's not on you. It's kind of on me since I'm the one who told you I needed time and then...nothing changed. This isn't your fault, dude. It's fine. [It's not. It kind of really fucking sucks, but he can be enough of an adult to try and clean up messes he created.] We're still okay.
Okay. [ he wishes he believed that, but he does not. mostly he believes he ruined whatever minuscule chance there was of anything, and potentially their friendship, by saying words.
but john is playing it calm so dave does the same thing and tells himself it's fine to fake it. ]
Then we can drop it for real this time. [ he doesn't say "until you say something" because there's no time limit on that and it's probably better to proceed like an answer will never come for the sake of his day to day sanity (or worse??? hard to say). it's easier than sitting there waiting to see what the answer is, anyway. ] No pseudo-dates or hand holding or flirting. Cool?
[ he hopes he sounds less uncertain to john than he does to himself. he's always sucked at boundaries. ]
[It's probably a bad sign that his first instinct is to say "no" but if that's what Dave wants he has to swallow his own pride and agree with him. John's the one who got them into this mess so it's fair for Dave to set his own perimeters.]
Sure. [It's all he can say and he doesn't bother smiling that time even though his expression otherwise is calm.] ...this is the end of the block.
[The walking tour. Focus on the lights. Focus on what you're doing and not words, John, you stupid idiot.]
[ this time dave smiles and it's fake but it looks remarkably real even if it's small and quick, so whatever. it's not like anyone has ever called him on how he can do that. he still hasn't taken a single picture of john for the night and he doesn't now. maybe in another universe he'd want to remember this particular night but in this universe he doesn't really want to. ]
It is. Thanks for takin' me. It was pretty? I got some [ terrible ] decent shots.
Awesome. [What else can he say? This ended up being a minor disaster and maybe John's just not cut out for dating or anything remotely more than friends with Dave Strider. And that would be fine if it were that easy. Instead, he mirrors the grin and gestures back a ways.] Ready to get going? It's getting pretty dark and it'll get colder soon.
I'm not that cold. [ A LIE. ] But sure, that sounds fine. There's break startin' tomorrow so maybe I'll go to bed early. I have a morning shift also.
[ he can spend it lamenting the fact he fucking murdered any chance of feeling comfortable around john again ever for like, months probably. tonight is going to be one of those nights he just doesn't sleep, isn't it.
this is why you lie to people and this is another excellent mark in the pro column for never telling john the truth ever again, jfc. ]
There's a brief moment where he mostly just looks a little stunned but. He nods and just acknowledges the fact he absolutely fucked everything up and he thinks about the conversation he had with Eren at Dave's party and he bites the inside of his cheek when he turns away to start walking toward the car.]
Oh. Okay. [What the fuck else can he say?] Whatever you want, dude, that's fine by me. I have some stuff I want to work on anyway so even if you go to bed early I might be up for a little bit.
[ and dave absolutely doesn't have work but it was the first damn excuse to come to mind to go to bed early. he only registers the mistake when john reacts and then john just.
goes with it.
so dave figures welp he fucked up saturdays, also. malik won't be the only one in a terrible mood tomorrow and dave will just walk himself there and pretend he's fine. time for a hat trick to ruin tuesdays, probably. instead, he just picks the next easiest thing to ruin and it's not even meant to ruin anything at all, but is an automatic offer to try to keep out of john's way. ]
I can sleep in my bed, no big deal. [ it's way too bad drinking proved a terrible idea because it'd be cool to have a vice he could turn to in times when he's burning every bridge he has with someone after actually making an attempt to like avoid doing that? ]
[The only question he really has is "why" but he doesn't ask it. His shoulders are tense and he stares ahead as he walks back to the car with Dave behind him, but his tone is even when he speaks.]
I already said I would back off. [That is to say, avoiding him entirely isn't necessary and now it just kind of hurts even though it shouldn't? He's actually pretty annoyed with himself that he's bothering to think about the fact that this absolutely hurts and he shouldn't be taking offense to this when he brought it upon himself.
Granted, Dave's not really helping by not explaining what he's doing but for the sake of salvaging what he can and making sure he doesn't lose Dave entirely he doesn't fight.] Are you coming home after your shift or do you have other things you want to do?
there's absolute dead silence from behind john because dave just doesn't say a word and even giving himself extra time he can't think a way out of it because trying for honesty once in the night seriously fucked everything up and he's not willing to try for round two. his fingernails dig into his palms but it's fine, just...
act normal, whatever that is. john hasn't mentioned the day so just... ]
I don't know. [ he wants to run away, holy shit. ] I'll just... [ keep the hell out of john's way, possibly, because it is readily apparent that dave cannot be fucking trusted to spend five minutes in john's company without burning down a country or something and he at least acknowledges that. ] I might be out late.
[ there are a million rooftops he can go sit on. there's the same sense of giddy hysteria that always comes with knowing he's fucking up and just watching himself do it, unable to figure out a way to explain himself and just. stop. and unsure if it even matters because wow, yeah, this conversation right here is full of reasons john should just forget he ever even entertained the idea of doing anything other than friendship with dave strider and dave's. aware of this. ]
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I just, [ hm ] It's not like it's not my own damn fault, but I don't know if I can like...
[ more vague hand gestures. ]
It's not really okay to talk about. I promised you time and I'll deal. Don't worry about it.
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...I'm fuckin' this up. I fucked it up. Shit. Can we just...forget I ever mentioned it? You're chill, seriously, just...don't sweat it? If we want to talk "fair" I never should have brought it up. I'm sorry.
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Put the camera away and come here for a second. [What in the fuck is going on, he sure doesn't know, but it's not hard to read between the lines after months (years, lifetimes) of knowing how Dave operates.]
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Don't freak out on me yet, okay? [It's mumbled, but he's not interested in forcing Dave to talk when he doesn't want to.]
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maybe doesn't freak out? he's obviously tense now that john's holding his hands and can feel that (his hands are still col as fuck) but. ]
...You mess with my head. [ and that's maybe just 90% of what having a crush is but even so. ]
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Not on purpose. Sorry. I don't really know what that means, but I'm not really interested in mind games. [He's not quite 100% sure they're talking about the same thing.]
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I like you too much to keep doing the flirting thing, okay? Or all the handholding. You need to give me time to get over it first.
[ he’s pretty sure he already said “i like you” though actually he just told John he was into him but semantics. ]
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--get over it. [Ah. Of course.] So you want to just...stop. Even though you like me. [Two and two are not making four currently and he's giving Dave a very level look.]
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I didn't say that. [ he twists his hands to try to get them out of john's grip, though. ]
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gdi ]
You need to back off. I need to back off. I can't do the romantic shit while we're in limbo and I constantly don't know if it's all right to react and I can't anyway because that's the exact opposite of giving you time, okay? I can flirt with my friends and perfect strangers if it's not remotely serious but I am serious and that means the rules are a little different. I don't know if I have to make myself get over you or not yet, and I might not ever know, so you need to give me time to at least learn to pretend.
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He's serious, too, but he told Dave he needed time and now here they are. Limbo. He's aware he could offer up his protests right now but he's not sure Dave would even believe him.
So...he lets go of his hands and nods slowly. Back off. He can back off like Dave needs right now.]
...okay. [It sounds casual and off to his own ears and he gives Dave another slight smile.] I'm sorry, I didn't...[Don't make excuses, you stupid fuck.] I'm sorry. [He turns back to look at the last house on the stream.] I get it. It's not fair to you.
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I said I would give you time and I want to do that. And I don't want to...burn everything down, so just. I'm going to stop doing the thing where I say the first thing to come to mind with you even when it's seriously ill-advised or...you know. And the thing where I make up excuses to - anyway. I just...yeah. I'm sorry, this is my fault, just...yeah.
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I should have known better. It's not on you. It's kind of on me since I'm the one who told you I needed time and then...nothing changed. This isn't your fault, dude. It's fine. [It's not. It kind of really fucking sucks, but he can be enough of an adult to try and clean up messes he created.] We're still okay.
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but john is playing it calm so dave does the same thing and tells himself it's fine to fake it. ]
Then we can drop it for real this time. [ he doesn't say "until you say something" because there's no time limit on that and it's probably better to proceed like an answer will never come for the sake of his day to day sanity (or worse??? hard to say). it's easier than sitting there waiting to see what the answer is, anyway. ] No pseudo-dates or hand holding or flirting. Cool?
[ he hopes he sounds less uncertain to john than he does to himself. he's always sucked at boundaries. ]
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Sure. [It's all he can say and he doesn't bother smiling that time even though his expression otherwise is calm.] ...this is the end of the block.
[The walking tour. Focus on the lights. Focus on what you're doing and not words, John, you stupid idiot.]
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It is. Thanks for takin' me. It was pretty? I got some [ terrible ] decent shots.
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[ he can spend it lamenting the fact he fucking murdered any chance of feeling comfortable around john again ever for like, months probably. tonight is going to be one of those nights he just doesn't sleep, isn't it.
this is why you lie to people and this is another excellent mark in the pro column for never telling john the truth ever again, jfc. ]
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There's a brief moment where he mostly just looks a little stunned but. He nods and just acknowledges the fact he absolutely fucked everything up and he thinks about the conversation he had with Eren at Dave's party and he bites the inside of his cheek when he turns away to start walking toward the car.]
Oh. Okay. [What the fuck else can he say?] Whatever you want, dude, that's fine by me. I have some stuff I want to work on anyway so even if you go to bed early I might be up for a little bit.
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goes with it.
so dave figures welp he fucked up saturdays, also. malik won't be the only one in a terrible mood tomorrow and dave will just walk himself there and pretend he's fine. time for a hat trick to ruin tuesdays, probably. instead, he just picks the next easiest thing to ruin and it's not even meant to ruin anything at all, but is an automatic offer to try to keep out of john's way. ]
I can sleep in my bed, no big deal. [ it's way too bad drinking proved a terrible idea because it'd be cool to have a vice he could turn to in times when he's burning every bridge he has with someone after actually making an attempt to like avoid doing that? ]
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I already said I would back off. [That is to say, avoiding him entirely isn't necessary and now it just kind of hurts even though it shouldn't? He's actually pretty annoyed with himself that he's bothering to think about the fact that this absolutely hurts and he shouldn't be taking offense to this when he brought it upon himself.
Granted, Dave's not really helping by not explaining what he's doing but for the sake of salvaging what he can and making sure he doesn't lose Dave entirely he doesn't fight.] Are you coming home after your shift or do you have other things you want to do?
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there's absolute dead silence from behind john because dave just doesn't say a word and even giving himself extra time he can't think a way out of it because trying for honesty once in the night seriously fucked everything up and he's not willing to try for round two. his fingernails dig into his palms but it's fine, just...
act normal, whatever that is. john hasn't mentioned the day so just... ]
I don't know. [ he wants to run away, holy shit. ] I'll just... [ keep the hell out of john's way, possibly, because it is readily apparent that dave cannot be fucking trusted to spend five minutes in john's company without burning down a country or something and he at least acknowledges that. ] I might be out late.
[ there are a million rooftops he can go sit on. there's the same sense of giddy hysteria that always comes with knowing he's fucking up and just watching himself do it, unable to figure out a way to explain himself and just. stop. and unsure if it even matters because wow, yeah, this conversation right here is full of reasons john should just forget he ever even entertained the idea of doing anything other than friendship with dave strider and dave's. aware of this. ]
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