[The only question he really has is "why" but he doesn't ask it. His shoulders are tense and he stares ahead as he walks back to the car with Dave behind him, but his tone is even when he speaks.]
I already said I would back off. [That is to say, avoiding him entirely isn't necessary and now it just kind of hurts even though it shouldn't? He's actually pretty annoyed with himself that he's bothering to think about the fact that this absolutely hurts and he shouldn't be taking offense to this when he brought it upon himself.
Granted, Dave's not really helping by not explaining what he's doing but for the sake of salvaging what he can and making sure he doesn't lose Dave entirely he doesn't fight.] Are you coming home after your shift or do you have other things you want to do?
there's absolute dead silence from behind john because dave just doesn't say a word and even giving himself extra time he can't think a way out of it because trying for honesty once in the night seriously fucked everything up and he's not willing to try for round two. his fingernails dig into his palms but it's fine, just...
act normal, whatever that is. john hasn't mentioned the day so just... ]
I don't know. [ he wants to run away, holy shit. ] I'll just... [ keep the hell out of john's way, possibly, because it is readily apparent that dave cannot be fucking trusted to spend five minutes in john's company without burning down a country or something and he at least acknowledges that. ] I might be out late.
[ there are a million rooftops he can go sit on. there's the same sense of giddy hysteria that always comes with knowing he's fucking up and just watching himself do it, unable to figure out a way to explain himself and just. stop. and unsure if it even matters because wow, yeah, this conversation right here is full of reasons john should just forget he ever even entertained the idea of doing anything other than friendship with dave strider and dave's. aware of this. ]
It's Saturday. [This time he can't help but actually mention the day and he cringes a little when he realizes it sounds a little pathetic. But he doesn't say anything to cover it and instead he's silent and aware this is awkward. How the fuck do you fix something like this when the other person is clearly not okay with this?
He doesn't have another argument though.]
...whatever you need. [Yeah this is going south fast.] I like having you in my bed but if you want time then that's fine. And I can take care of stuff on my own tomorrow if you're busy. I get it.
...Whatever you want, dude. [ he's not getting in the car, though, or like. moving. ] I. Bad things happen when I try to explain myself or tell the truth, so just. Whatever you want.
[Want. Need. They're definitely talking about two different things and John's not getting in the car yet either while he stares at him for a moment.]
...can I ask you something? [It's quiet and a little shaky but he's still staring at him anyway.] Did you just tell me what you said on your birthday because it was whatever I wanted?
That this is mutual. [Since like? Dave is pretty damn affection-starved. It's still hard to tell if this is being into the idea of dating or being into the idea of constantly having John around in general.] If it's not, that is totally fine. I'm not going anywhere unless you really need me to go but you don't have to agree to something just because I want it. This isn't like that this time. You don't have to go with it if you don't want to just to make sure I am going to stay.
Please stop makin' me say the damn words because it's really kind of not fun to say them and have them disappear into a void of uncertainty. [ there's an unsteady laugh but like. it's not? ]
Yeah? I like you, John. And it ain't because you "want" that because I know I'm not... [ enough. ] ...so what next?
[ that. sounds mostly tired and he still hasn't even cleared up anything else. but he can at least show via saying that what he means by void of uncertainty, because there isn't an answer to "what next". ]
[ a shrug. ] You wanted time, and you can have it. And I already told you once that I wasn't goin' to ask you for certain things. So don't worry about it.
...I get it. [The smile drops and he moves, opening Dave's door before heading for his side of the car. This solved nothing since Dave keeps saying don't worry about it and that he won't ask for certain things which, of course, is fair, but he can't control his own shit either.] Let's just go home okay?
For saying anything. [ and there's a wry smile for a second and it's pretty clear he probably plans to not make that mistake again. because he managed to fuck up saturdays and probably sleeping together and holding hands and bullshit he can't even handle, and this is literally never happening and if he'd just shut the fuck up things would have been fine.
but okay. dave gets in the car and buckles himself in and doesn't bother to look over at john again. ]
[He should just shut the fuck up. So he waits for Dave to get in the car and he doesn't look at Dave either, assuming that there's no way to fix this right now and he needs to back off as Dave said. It's for the best.
And so they go back to their dorm and presumably it's a really awkward night.]
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I already said I would back off. [That is to say, avoiding him entirely isn't necessary and now it just kind of hurts even though it shouldn't? He's actually pretty annoyed with himself that he's bothering to think about the fact that this absolutely hurts and he shouldn't be taking offense to this when he brought it upon himself.
Granted, Dave's not really helping by not explaining what he's doing but for the sake of salvaging what he can and making sure he doesn't lose Dave entirely he doesn't fight.] Are you coming home after your shift or do you have other things you want to do?
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there's absolute dead silence from behind john because dave just doesn't say a word and even giving himself extra time he can't think a way out of it because trying for honesty once in the night seriously fucked everything up and he's not willing to try for round two. his fingernails dig into his palms but it's fine, just...
act normal, whatever that is. john hasn't mentioned the day so just... ]
I don't know. [ he wants to run away, holy shit. ] I'll just... [ keep the hell out of john's way, possibly, because it is readily apparent that dave cannot be fucking trusted to spend five minutes in john's company without burning down a country or something and he at least acknowledges that. ] I might be out late.
[ there are a million rooftops he can go sit on. there's the same sense of giddy hysteria that always comes with knowing he's fucking up and just watching himself do it, unable to figure out a way to explain himself and just. stop. and unsure if it even matters because wow, yeah, this conversation right here is full of reasons john should just forget he ever even entertained the idea of doing anything other than friendship with dave strider and dave's. aware of this. ]
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He doesn't have another argument though.]
...whatever you need. [Yeah this is going south fast.] I like having you in my bed but if you want time then that's fine. And I can take care of stuff on my own tomorrow if you're busy. I get it.
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the dorm they share. fuck. ]
...Whatever you want, dude. [ he's not getting in the car, though, or like. moving. ] I. Bad things happen when I try to explain myself or tell the truth, so just. Whatever you want.
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...can I ask you something? [It's quiet and a little shaky but he's still staring at him anyway.] Did you just tell me what you said on your birthday because it was whatever I wanted?
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[ at all. full stop. so no? ]
Which part in particular are you doubting.
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[ that. sounds mostly tired and he still hasn't even cleared up anything else. but he can at least show via saying that what he means by void of uncertainty, because there isn't an answer to "what next". ]
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Do you ever think we could be together?
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...I'm sorry.
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...not share a bed since that is probably not happening since he fucked up and Dave said he'd sleep in his own bed. Cool.]
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but okay. dave gets in the car and buckles himself in and doesn't bother to look over at john again. ]
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And so they go back to their dorm and presumably it's a really awkward night.]
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