--get over it. [Ah. Of course.] So you want to just...stop. Even though you like me. [Two and two are not making four currently and he's giving Dave a very level look.]
You need to back off. I need to back off. I can't do the romantic shit while we're in limbo and I constantly don't know if it's all right to react and I can't anyway because that's the exact opposite of giving you time, okay? I can flirt with my friends and perfect strangers if it's not remotely serious but I am serious and that means the rules are a little different. I don't know if I have to make myself get over you or not yet, and I might not ever know, so you need to give me time to at least learn to pretend.
[...oh. For a minute John sort of just stares at him like he's trying to comprehend what's being said, but it's pretty obvious. Dave already thinks this is going to blow up somehow and John...doesn't quite know how to assure him of that when he's not sure what to do.
He's serious, too, but he told Dave he needed time and now here they are. Limbo. He's aware he could offer up his protests right now but he's not sure Dave would even believe him.
So...he lets go of his hands and nods slowly. Back off. He can back off like Dave needs right now.]
...okay. [It sounds casual and off to his own ears and he gives Dave another slight smile.] I'm sorry, I didn't...[Don't make excuses, you stupid fuck.] I'm sorry. [He turns back to look at the last house on the stream.] I get it. It's not fair to you.
I'm sorry, too. I'm bein' less than fair but I just... [ can't handle it? god, he really is pathetic. the words what would bro think are useless because he wouldn't think anything, but they flicker by anyway, a relic from a bygone era that's never quite bygone. ]
I said I would give you time and I want to do that. And I don't want to...burn everything down, so just. I'm going to stop doing the thing where I say the first thing to come to mind with you even when it's seriously ill-advised or...you know. And the thing where I make up excuses to - anyway. I just...yeah. I'm sorry, this is my fault, just...yeah.
I should have known better. It's not on you. It's kind of on me since I'm the one who told you I needed time and then...nothing changed. This isn't your fault, dude. It's fine. [It's not. It kind of really fucking sucks, but he can be enough of an adult to try and clean up messes he created.] We're still okay.
Okay. [ he wishes he believed that, but he does not. mostly he believes he ruined whatever minuscule chance there was of anything, and potentially their friendship, by saying words.
but john is playing it calm so dave does the same thing and tells himself it's fine to fake it. ]
Then we can drop it for real this time. [ he doesn't say "until you say something" because there's no time limit on that and it's probably better to proceed like an answer will never come for the sake of his day to day sanity (or worse??? hard to say). it's easier than sitting there waiting to see what the answer is, anyway. ] No pseudo-dates or hand holding or flirting. Cool?
[ he hopes he sounds less uncertain to john than he does to himself. he's always sucked at boundaries. ]
[It's probably a bad sign that his first instinct is to say "no" but if that's what Dave wants he has to swallow his own pride and agree with him. John's the one who got them into this mess so it's fair for Dave to set his own perimeters.]
Sure. [It's all he can say and he doesn't bother smiling that time even though his expression otherwise is calm.] ...this is the end of the block.
[The walking tour. Focus on the lights. Focus on what you're doing and not words, John, you stupid idiot.]
[ this time dave smiles and it's fake but it looks remarkably real even if it's small and quick, so whatever. it's not like anyone has ever called him on how he can do that. he still hasn't taken a single picture of john for the night and he doesn't now. maybe in another universe he'd want to remember this particular night but in this universe he doesn't really want to. ]
It is. Thanks for takin' me. It was pretty? I got some [ terrible ] decent shots.
Awesome. [What else can he say? This ended up being a minor disaster and maybe John's just not cut out for dating or anything remotely more than friends with Dave Strider. And that would be fine if it were that easy. Instead, he mirrors the grin and gestures back a ways.] Ready to get going? It's getting pretty dark and it'll get colder soon.
I'm not that cold. [ A LIE. ] But sure, that sounds fine. There's break startin' tomorrow so maybe I'll go to bed early. I have a morning shift also.
[ he can spend it lamenting the fact he fucking murdered any chance of feeling comfortable around john again ever for like, months probably. tonight is going to be one of those nights he just doesn't sleep, isn't it.
this is why you lie to people and this is another excellent mark in the pro column for never telling john the truth ever again, jfc. ]
There's a brief moment where he mostly just looks a little stunned but. He nods and just acknowledges the fact he absolutely fucked everything up and he thinks about the conversation he had with Eren at Dave's party and he bites the inside of his cheek when he turns away to start walking toward the car.]
Oh. Okay. [What the fuck else can he say?] Whatever you want, dude, that's fine by me. I have some stuff I want to work on anyway so even if you go to bed early I might be up for a little bit.
[ and dave absolutely doesn't have work but it was the first damn excuse to come to mind to go to bed early. he only registers the mistake when john reacts and then john just.
goes with it.
so dave figures welp he fucked up saturdays, also. malik won't be the only one in a terrible mood tomorrow and dave will just walk himself there and pretend he's fine. time for a hat trick to ruin tuesdays, probably. instead, he just picks the next easiest thing to ruin and it's not even meant to ruin anything at all, but is an automatic offer to try to keep out of john's way. ]
I can sleep in my bed, no big deal. [ it's way too bad drinking proved a terrible idea because it'd be cool to have a vice he could turn to in times when he's burning every bridge he has with someone after actually making an attempt to like avoid doing that? ]
[The only question he really has is "why" but he doesn't ask it. His shoulders are tense and he stares ahead as he walks back to the car with Dave behind him, but his tone is even when he speaks.]
I already said I would back off. [That is to say, avoiding him entirely isn't necessary and now it just kind of hurts even though it shouldn't? He's actually pretty annoyed with himself that he's bothering to think about the fact that this absolutely hurts and he shouldn't be taking offense to this when he brought it upon himself.
Granted, Dave's not really helping by not explaining what he's doing but for the sake of salvaging what he can and making sure he doesn't lose Dave entirely he doesn't fight.] Are you coming home after your shift or do you have other things you want to do?
there's absolute dead silence from behind john because dave just doesn't say a word and even giving himself extra time he can't think a way out of it because trying for honesty once in the night seriously fucked everything up and he's not willing to try for round two. his fingernails dig into his palms but it's fine, just...
act normal, whatever that is. john hasn't mentioned the day so just... ]
I don't know. [ he wants to run away, holy shit. ] I'll just... [ keep the hell out of john's way, possibly, because it is readily apparent that dave cannot be fucking trusted to spend five minutes in john's company without burning down a country or something and he at least acknowledges that. ] I might be out late.
[ there are a million rooftops he can go sit on. there's the same sense of giddy hysteria that always comes with knowing he's fucking up and just watching himself do it, unable to figure out a way to explain himself and just. stop. and unsure if it even matters because wow, yeah, this conversation right here is full of reasons john should just forget he ever even entertained the idea of doing anything other than friendship with dave strider and dave's. aware of this. ]
It's Saturday. [This time he can't help but actually mention the day and he cringes a little when he realizes it sounds a little pathetic. But he doesn't say anything to cover it and instead he's silent and aware this is awkward. How the fuck do you fix something like this when the other person is clearly not okay with this?
He doesn't have another argument though.]
...whatever you need. [Yeah this is going south fast.] I like having you in my bed but if you want time then that's fine. And I can take care of stuff on my own tomorrow if you're busy. I get it.
...Whatever you want, dude. [ he's not getting in the car, though, or like. moving. ] I. Bad things happen when I try to explain myself or tell the truth, so just. Whatever you want.
[Want. Need. They're definitely talking about two different things and John's not getting in the car yet either while he stares at him for a moment.]
...can I ask you something? [It's quiet and a little shaky but he's still staring at him anyway.] Did you just tell me what you said on your birthday because it was whatever I wanted?
That this is mutual. [Since like? Dave is pretty damn affection-starved. It's still hard to tell if this is being into the idea of dating or being into the idea of constantly having John around in general.] If it's not, that is totally fine. I'm not going anywhere unless you really need me to go but you don't have to agree to something just because I want it. This isn't like that this time. You don't have to go with it if you don't want to just to make sure I am going to stay.
Please stop makin' me say the damn words because it's really kind of not fun to say them and have them disappear into a void of uncertainty. [ there's an unsteady laugh but like. it's not? ]
Yeah? I like you, John. And it ain't because you "want" that because I know I'm not... [ enough. ] ...so what next?
[ that. sounds mostly tired and he still hasn't even cleared up anything else. but he can at least show via saying that what he means by void of uncertainty, because there isn't an answer to "what next". ]
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I like you too much to keep doing the flirting thing, okay? Or all the handholding. You need to give me time to get over it first.
[ he’s pretty sure he already said “i like you” though actually he just told John he was into him but semantics. ]
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--get over it. [Ah. Of course.] So you want to just...stop. Even though you like me. [Two and two are not making four currently and he's giving Dave a very level look.]
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I didn't say that. [ he twists his hands to try to get them out of john's grip, though. ]
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gdi ]
You need to back off. I need to back off. I can't do the romantic shit while we're in limbo and I constantly don't know if it's all right to react and I can't anyway because that's the exact opposite of giving you time, okay? I can flirt with my friends and perfect strangers if it's not remotely serious but I am serious and that means the rules are a little different. I don't know if I have to make myself get over you or not yet, and I might not ever know, so you need to give me time to at least learn to pretend.
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He's serious, too, but he told Dave he needed time and now here they are. Limbo. He's aware he could offer up his protests right now but he's not sure Dave would even believe him.
So...he lets go of his hands and nods slowly. Back off. He can back off like Dave needs right now.]
...okay. [It sounds casual and off to his own ears and he gives Dave another slight smile.] I'm sorry, I didn't...[Don't make excuses, you stupid fuck.] I'm sorry. [He turns back to look at the last house on the stream.] I get it. It's not fair to you.
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I said I would give you time and I want to do that. And I don't want to...burn everything down, so just. I'm going to stop doing the thing where I say the first thing to come to mind with you even when it's seriously ill-advised or...you know. And the thing where I make up excuses to - anyway. I just...yeah. I'm sorry, this is my fault, just...yeah.
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I should have known better. It's not on you. It's kind of on me since I'm the one who told you I needed time and then...nothing changed. This isn't your fault, dude. It's fine. [It's not. It kind of really fucking sucks, but he can be enough of an adult to try and clean up messes he created.] We're still okay.
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but john is playing it calm so dave does the same thing and tells himself it's fine to fake it. ]
Then we can drop it for real this time. [ he doesn't say "until you say something" because there's no time limit on that and it's probably better to proceed like an answer will never come for the sake of his day to day sanity (or worse??? hard to say). it's easier than sitting there waiting to see what the answer is, anyway. ] No pseudo-dates or hand holding or flirting. Cool?
[ he hopes he sounds less uncertain to john than he does to himself. he's always sucked at boundaries. ]
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Sure. [It's all he can say and he doesn't bother smiling that time even though his expression otherwise is calm.] ...this is the end of the block.
[The walking tour. Focus on the lights. Focus on what you're doing and not words, John, you stupid idiot.]
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It is. Thanks for takin' me. It was pretty? I got some [ terrible ] decent shots.
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[ he can spend it lamenting the fact he fucking murdered any chance of feeling comfortable around john again ever for like, months probably. tonight is going to be one of those nights he just doesn't sleep, isn't it.
this is why you lie to people and this is another excellent mark in the pro column for never telling john the truth ever again, jfc. ]
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There's a brief moment where he mostly just looks a little stunned but. He nods and just acknowledges the fact he absolutely fucked everything up and he thinks about the conversation he had with Eren at Dave's party and he bites the inside of his cheek when he turns away to start walking toward the car.]
Oh. Okay. [What the fuck else can he say?] Whatever you want, dude, that's fine by me. I have some stuff I want to work on anyway so even if you go to bed early I might be up for a little bit.
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goes with it.
so dave figures welp he fucked up saturdays, also. malik won't be the only one in a terrible mood tomorrow and dave will just walk himself there and pretend he's fine. time for a hat trick to ruin tuesdays, probably. instead, he just picks the next easiest thing to ruin and it's not even meant to ruin anything at all, but is an automatic offer to try to keep out of john's way. ]
I can sleep in my bed, no big deal. [ it's way too bad drinking proved a terrible idea because it'd be cool to have a vice he could turn to in times when he's burning every bridge he has with someone after actually making an attempt to like avoid doing that? ]
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I already said I would back off. [That is to say, avoiding him entirely isn't necessary and now it just kind of hurts even though it shouldn't? He's actually pretty annoyed with himself that he's bothering to think about the fact that this absolutely hurts and he shouldn't be taking offense to this when he brought it upon himself.
Granted, Dave's not really helping by not explaining what he's doing but for the sake of salvaging what he can and making sure he doesn't lose Dave entirely he doesn't fight.] Are you coming home after your shift or do you have other things you want to do?
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there's absolute dead silence from behind john because dave just doesn't say a word and even giving himself extra time he can't think a way out of it because trying for honesty once in the night seriously fucked everything up and he's not willing to try for round two. his fingernails dig into his palms but it's fine, just...
act normal, whatever that is. john hasn't mentioned the day so just... ]
I don't know. [ he wants to run away, holy shit. ] I'll just... [ keep the hell out of john's way, possibly, because it is readily apparent that dave cannot be fucking trusted to spend five minutes in john's company without burning down a country or something and he at least acknowledges that. ] I might be out late.
[ there are a million rooftops he can go sit on. there's the same sense of giddy hysteria that always comes with knowing he's fucking up and just watching himself do it, unable to figure out a way to explain himself and just. stop. and unsure if it even matters because wow, yeah, this conversation right here is full of reasons john should just forget he ever even entertained the idea of doing anything other than friendship with dave strider and dave's. aware of this. ]
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He doesn't have another argument though.]
...whatever you need. [Yeah this is going south fast.] I like having you in my bed but if you want time then that's fine. And I can take care of stuff on my own tomorrow if you're busy. I get it.
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the dorm they share. fuck. ]
...Whatever you want, dude. [ he's not getting in the car, though, or like. moving. ] I. Bad things happen when I try to explain myself or tell the truth, so just. Whatever you want.
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...can I ask you something? [It's quiet and a little shaky but he's still staring at him anyway.] Did you just tell me what you said on your birthday because it was whatever I wanted?
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[ at all. full stop. so no? ]
Which part in particular are you doubting.
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[ that. sounds mostly tired and he still hasn't even cleared up anything else. but he can at least show via saying that what he means by void of uncertainty, because there isn't an answer to "what next". ]
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