parodeity | recollé ic inbox 4.0;

You're not listening. I like. Want you to touch me. Okay? I want...I don't know what I want, but I like everything that we have right now and I really just want to kiss you again which is really kind of terrifying in its own way but it is a thing that happened and I am sorry this happened when you didn't need it.

[ ok lets ignore most of that and eye john cautiously and for once john can track the movement. don’t get used to that ]

You want me to touch you. [ he means holding hands and leaning against john and shit and why is this a priority ]

[He likes being able to see though? But okay. What if he doesn't verbally respond and he just plays the opening bit of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" on the keys?

Are either of them going to remember this entire thing is being recorded on Dave's camera.]

[ dave might eventually but nah more important concerns. ]

You let go a lot or don’t reach out first. [ it’s not accusatory he’s just literally trying to figure out wtf john wants him to do. he’s slouched forward now, uncertain. ]

I know. I am still just...[A shrug?] I am not used to...[How do you phrase this.] It's just that...

[It's literally just that Dave is a guy and also John's never sure if Dave accepts his affections because he's affection-starved or because he likes John and he's cautious in that regard.]

It is hard to tell with you sometimes.

...offer to pretend this never happened is still open. I just. [ might not trust himself touching john for a while but that’s not personal. ] You said you wanted time.

[ he scrubs at his face and realizes the shades are missing and flips them back out. ]

...I can keep my hands and thoughts to myself, no big.

I really like you. [It's quiet, but he's very firm about that.] I just am not sure what to do next.

[ oh. those are words dave has specifically not said for very specific reasons and he bites his lip and stares and tries to figure it out. the actual good advice he’s managed to get over the course of his life is there to be taken still.

ughhhhh. ]

... [ .... ] I’m really into you. I am attempting not to put it stupidly. [ like by just repeating song lyrics. ] ...I don’t know, it doesn’t matter right now [ he means until john figures out whatever the hell he wants to do and maybe dave should acknowledge he needs to do something similar but. ] but can you like...

[The words are right, but it still sounds off and he's unsure what to say. He's quiet again.]

...can I what? [At least they've established they like each other but a lot of good that'll do right this second.]

Before we like add this to the list of things we never talk about. [ which he assumes they are doing because he apparently still intends to just give john time or whatever ] Will you actually kiss me properly. Or let me kiss you.

[ ...that sounds stupid but like in case John changes his mind or in case they permanently never talk about it. both of which seem possible. ]

You can say no. [ obviously. and davs’s gaze drops as he frowns to himself. ] - That was actually a dumb request, and possibly unfair? And it like undercuts the thing where I promised I could like, not do that, so actually just...never mind. Are we ready to like...return to reality or.

[Silence. It's a lofty request but at the same time it's not something he's against and it's not something he doesn't want. It scares him to think about that and what it all means and if they are going to be okay and if anything is going to change for the worse and he thinks about a conversation with Carmen a while ago.

"I'm not out to pry into your business, mind, but "making sure things don't happen" is avoidance of something, not recognition of an unforeseen circumstance."

"yes. to both of those things. but if there is avoidance then there will not be future consequences to recognize in the future. things probably will not change for me where i would not want that. i do not want to give him a reason for them to change for him either."

At this point, losing Dave Strider because of his own inability to figure out what he's doing would be worse than anything else. And yet it's a decision he has to make. It would be easy to say "yes" and ask Dave to be his boyfriend (which ?! that is also a Lot) but...would it be best for them? That is where he is unsure.]

...yes. [And then before Dave reads it wrong:] To the first thing. But you cannot make fun of me this time, okay?

[ okay cool john agreed but dave has no idea what to do with that and seems more startled than anything else. ]

Oh. Um. Okay? That was kind of an asshole thing of me to do in the first place. [ and was mostly nerves talking, but like. not a huge excuse for being kind of a dick. ] I mean, it wasn't kind of an asshole thing to do, it just was actually straight up an asshole thing to do, which I...acknowledge...I'll shut up now.

[ he can probably make this hole bigger somehow but what if he just sets the shovel aside for once in his life and exists at the level to which he has dug himself. apparently he absolutely has no intent to ask john what the fuck is going on specifically still and dave stops running his mouth and hesitates before reaching out with his free hand (WHY IS HE STILL RECORDING AT LEAST THE AUDIO HERE and a shot of their shoes probably) to kind of brush john's cheek which is.

not actually kissing, dave, even though he seems content with that so ok. ]

...For the record, you didn't...ruin whatever, and I'm not upset, and I can handle...whatever. [ that's all so fucking vague. ] ...and I didn't hate the song.

Dave, it's fine. [Sort of. He's still unsure as fuck and he would be perfectly content to disappear right about now, but instead he lets Dave touch his face and he keeps his breathing in check. He doesn't pull away this time either.]

It is a lot, I know. And that is why I am sorry about it. I don't...I've had time to kind of think about it. [He just needs more time.] It is not about handling it or not. It's about what is fair to both of us. Not just me. So...

[He doesn't know what else to say, so he just shifts a little to lean forward and kiss him again. It's a little less awkward this time, but it's still weirdly timid and unsure. To his credit though he's not backing off, so there's some progress.]

[ dave is completely still for a second, like he's checking to see if john needs to back off immediately or not, before he actually leans into the kiss. he's less timid about it but there's tension down his spine that says he could be up and across the room in a second if john gave any indication that was a thing dave needed to do.

but he's not actually trying to do anything particularly terrifying, maybe? or maybe he is. it's just a chaste press of lips as he adjusts the angle and thinks it's kind of unfair he doesn't get to have a sense of taste for this, his fingertips sliding off of john's cheek and to the side of his neck, feather light and not actually holding john in place remotely at all.

it's easier than words, anyway, except it's also way harder. ]

[He doesn't know what to do with his hands. He doesn't know what to do with his hands and he's worried about his teeth suddenly, that they might get in the way, and he's almost ready to laugh at the irony of being unable to taste him or even really comprehend what's happening. There's a small shiver when Dave's hand moves and he doesn't balk but instead he shifts even closer.

It takes a few moments for his lips to part and tentatively actually move instead of just keeping his lips against Dave's and it's not that he doesn't know what he's doing. He's just unsure of the pace and the time and what Dave wants and what is and isn't too much. It makes his head spin to think about it and his hand just as tentatively moves to mirror Dave's original movement. He settles for touching his face and tilting his mouth closer to him and he's still not sure if Dave's comfortable with this but he can push his luck a little.]

[ the glasses are probably more likely to get in the way since dave had flipped his shades back out and on a minute or so ago, but it doesn't seem like dave's uncomfortable? unless you count being tense and unsure about whether or not john's going to freak out or pull away.

but john parts his lips and dave mimics the action, apparently intending to match john even if he's definitely not pushing anything further because it's easy to read uncertainty in john's body language and that's kind of a blaring sign not to push his luck.

and anyway he really hadn't wanted anything other than a simple kiss. he did not figure he could get even that so this is...

utterly strange. there's a little more pressure from his right hand at john's neck (enough that it's there instead of a ghost) but he doesn't hold john in place still and he realizes belatedly he still has the camera in his other hand but like. oh well. eal with that later. ]

[He's incredibly uncertain. He wants this and that is the part he's uncertain about because what now? Where does one go from here? He finds that if he lets his mind settle down a little it's easy to understand that he likes how things are, likes the feel of Dave's lips on his and keeping Dave's hands on his neck and that's the thing that makes him wonder what next.

Without meaning to there's an almost content sigh against Dave's mouth while his other hand comes up, both hands settling on Dave's shoulders again and fingers curling around the back of his neck.

He's still tense but he's also not willing to let Dave go yet. He's not pressing the kiss further and it's still cautious but he's a little more sure as he keeps Dave still and close to him.

They'll probably both regret the camera thing later, but alas.]

[ dave can...edit...all this out...like, who knows if he WILL, but he CAN. he has no idea what the fuck he's doing but at least he's kissed other people so he technically knows what he's doing there although it took him a minute or so to adjust to john. he's always leaned into john pretty easily once john initiates contact or doesn't shove him off, so that's happening even though john's still tense so dave's still tense but this is okay, and he absolutely does want it, and it's hard to remember why he was terrified of the idea -

and that's around when he goes completely rigid as he remembers there was at least one huge reason he wasn't supposed to kiss john egbert, lmao shit. dave doesn't pull back still but there's a clear record-scratch moment where he stops focusing because of the litany of swearing in the back of his head he fucked up and he's usually really, really careful about this kind of thing, too.

hell, he'd even warned john about it multiple times.

but john seems okay, so maybe that was stupid? but what if it just hasn't happened yet? and jfc where is troy bolton's posse to sing get your head in the game when u need them ]

[The thing is he can feel Dave go rigid and that's about when he finally pulls away giving Dave a questioning look.]

...this is still okay? [Please don't psyche yourself out, Dave. John will try not to psyche himself out, too, and he keeps his hands there and his lips are still parted as he blinks quietly.]

Are you - you're okay?

[ he's always psyching himself out? currently he's freaking out about the fact john kissed him and he's worried john might remember

homestuck bullshit, since dave knows exactly who he looks like and exactly who john has kissed who looks like dave

and then after remembering that he'll clearly never want to touch dave again because his luck goes that way and

look ]

I forgot, I got stupid and -

[ vague mental hand gestures HOMESTUCK HAS RUINED KISSING FOR HIM ONCE ALREADY THIS IS A VALID CONCERN ]

[Clearly I should put in for that regain, but instead he's still processing everything.]

So kissing me was stupid? [He's trying to sound mad but no, there's still a quirk of his lips anyway and his fingers carefully brush over Dave's shoulders...and his ugly sweater. Lord. But joking aside, he thinks and recalls a conversation.

"It just means you couldn't kiss me back to life, dude."
"…that's what happened with you and Jade, isn't it. She remembered kissing your dead body."
"And I remembered how it got that way, yeah."

His expression shifts again.] ...it's okay. I'm fine.

[ he's going to be in ugly sweaters ALL MONTH LONG get used to it egbert. dave bites his lip. ]

...Are you sure. [ do you still want to touch me is implied and maybe it shouldn't be but dave's not so hot at actually saying the things he should say or asking the things he should ask. or the things he wants to say or ask. ]

[He doesn't know what Dave's thinking and that makes him even more uncertain. But there's a nod since he thinks that's probably the right answer.]

Yes. It's okay.

[ stupid things always.

he debates asking if he can kiss john again but decides that while john has the luck of the devil dave sure does not and stalls out for a second, unsure where to go from there and worrying at his lip as he debates.

just...give him a second to figure out what he's even doing with his life. his hand didn't actually leave john's neck and his thumb rubs and absent-minded circle meant to soothe his own damn nerves. ]

[He's getting used to the idea. He's keeping his hands on Dave's shoulders and he's letting Dave take his time to think even as he gives another uncertain smile.]

...what's wrong, Dave?

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