honestly maybe it should be a human courtship stable for douchebags but to my knowledge it isnt one as of yet not that any actual courtship rituals make sense moreso have you ever dated someone dude it makes literally no sense like as you do it youre basically strapped into a rocket going full speed for a collision with the crust of the earth or like insert your planet of choice here with absolutely no way to detour the disaster coming? thats romance
also we could talk about something else technically you got this bc everyone else is grayed out on my list even egbert its absolutely tragic who actually sleeps at this hour
2o, iit2 ba2iically no diifferent from my liife ii2 what youre iimplyiing here. becau2e iim already 2trapped iintwo that rocket headed 2traiight for collii2iion wiithout a re2traiint belt on. except iit ha2 nothiing two do wiith human court2hiip but my iineviitable demii2e.
oh. 2o youre only talkiing two me becau2e nobody el2e ii2 avaiilable. that make2 2en2e.
well that and youre decent conversation like if the only person available were say the juggalo troll i would go what if i just talk to myself instead full offense to the juggalo troll or like the sweaty horse porn guy full offense to him also
WOW ok 2o iim liike the thiird two la2t per2on youd want two 2peak two, color me fuckiing un2urprii2ed. what doe2 that make me the iincompetent p2ychiic a22hole eheheheh.
ii gue22 were all techniically doomed 2o 2ure hiigh fiive. iill ju2t be goiing ahead fiir2t.
like what do i call you when i talk to other people the computer asshole one mostly your traits are not actually designed to piss me off or weird me the hell out or like there are the ones i never even talk to but
youre very into your dibs arent you but anyway i turned away kazoo guy but hes still serenading me what do you think i could throw out the window at his head
you forgot the pretty in the part where you mentioned my blond little head also yeah see you in a bit dude door is unlocked i rely on the fact im probably near the bottom of his hitlist and also time travel
Edited 2017-12-11 12:11 (UTC)
slams in here u can use any format u want i'll match
To say the door slams open is an overstatement; it isn't like Karkat kicks it open like an action movie star (hah), just that he's loud, in general, and opening the door isn't the quietest thing in the world. It's a good thing he's not still trying to hide from a murder clown.
ANYWAY.
"I didn't forget," he declares, just to make sure that Dave knows for a fact he was not going to call him pretty, or something, because toxic masculinity may not be a troll thing but freaking out and protesting too much about stupid shit is definitely a Karkat thing.
As for the rest: "he hasn't murdered anyone in a while, so I'm taking it as a good sign even though he's too deep in the dark carnival horseshit and fine-tuning his crazy all the while."
On that note: a delicately placed peanut butter cup.
Dave doesn't even jump. Karkat Vantas opening a door quietly is basically the most laughable idea in any universe, so he just kind of wonders if the door dented his wall at all and doesn't bother to care. He's sitting on the ground leaning up against his couch with the movie on pause at the start screen, a bowl of popcorn in his lap, and his phone nearby. He was probably also texting Rose or someone else.
"You know, I feel like havin' to specify "in a while" kind of takes away from the implication that this should be a good thing? Like yeah, this terrible thing, no worries, it has been twenty three whole days since our last murder." He's not even actually keeping track of the number. "And what about the whole stealing corpses and dismembering them for jars thing, is he cold turkey on that yet?"
He will also snag that peanut butter cup, thank you.
Karkat perches carefully on the edge of the couch because we're not animals Dave, what is the point of sitting on the floor and leaning against a couch? Though it's more pot, kettle, since Karkat will just sit where-ever and he's making a point for literally no reason. But see? Couch. Comfortable. He doesn't look comfortable sitting at the edge of the cushion, but he's never made things easy on himself a day in his life.
"It's a good thing if you know everything he's capable of," Karkat mutters, and then straightens even more. "It's been a fuck of a lot longer than twenty three days," he says stiffly, because he in fact has been counting just to make sure. He doesn't think he's high on Gamzee's murder list but he's still wary, and: "no," is the last answer, his shoulders hunching forward. "I don't think there's any chance of him going 'cold turkey'" with air quotes, "on that until there aren't any bodies left to steal." Which should happen soon, at the rate Gamzee is taking them.
Okay, now he's going to slide to the floor in defeat. Animals win.
Dave snorts and sets the bowl of popcorn between them so Karkat can reach it more easily. He did, after all, promise to share. "I mean, I guess it does save us the trouble of cleaning up any bodies we acquire, but this is another case of "that sounds nice but also it's fucked up" I think. Also I am pretty sure I would prefer my dead body never get into his hands." Which maybe being godtier will protect him a little there but also, can he ever be sure. Death is so much less appealing when it involves being bodysnatched by the resident vent juggalo and dismembered and put into jars.
Okay, morbid. Think other thoughts, Strider.
"So, are you ready for the movie? Or do you have to like, pre-game the movie somehow. Give me a whole spiel on the artistry that is about to occur, or bitch about the ships, or something?"
This setup is far better than having to reach over to grab popcorn from a bowl in Dave's lap, probably opening himself up to varying sick burns. Or just awkwardness - probably the latter, and one-hundred percent because Karkat is a tool that fails at everything he does. Raising his eyebrows, he shrugs slightly before getting settled in properly. "If you die, which I fucking doubt, I'll make sure he doesn't get ahold of your body." Like he's been able to keep him from getting the other bodies? Yeah. Anyway.
There's a pause where Karkat looks from the screen, back to Dave, back to the screen, opens his mouth and takes a breath, then grabs some popcorn and shoves it into his mouth, shaking his head. It's a struggle, a visible one, but all the same once he swallows, he speaks. "No. Start the movie."
He really, really wants to go into a rant but he'll save it for afterward.
"That's almost sweet." About not letting Gamzee get his body, Dave means, although he doubts Karkat could really do much about it. If anyone is going to keep his corpse out of other people's hands it will probably be Rose. If she isn't too drunk to protest, anyway. Actually, you know what, let's just put that thought in the list of thoughts not to think. Dave's never sure how the fuck to address the whole alcohol issue so he has just been Not, which is clearly a great coping method that will never come back to bite him in the ass ever. "You'll give me cavities, and then my teeth will fall out and I'll have to make dentures, because we don't actually have a dental plan here beyond "hey maybe avoid getting cavities". Actually, that is our plan for like all health issues? Yo maybe don't. I feel like this will probably be our inevitable downfall, but there are like ten other things that might also be that also. Ten million other things."
His usual quiet ramble continues even as he hits "play" on the movie, not calling Karkat on the really obvious refusal to rant. Dave has faith Karkat will blow a gasket eventually. He's more reliable than Old Faithful, especially now that Old Faithful no longer exists.
Karkat is not sweet. Karkat is loud and grumpy and the look he gives Dave after the first part of the ramble is withering at best. He's used to Dave going on like this, a quieter, easier to listen to version of Karkat's own rambling, and talking about teeth issues just makes him think about Sollux and his lips press into a thin line briefly before he shrugs. "More likely you'd be left gumming it." He waits for Dave to finish before he speaks, politely, though his volume as ever is unmodulated.
"If we die from regular health issues, I'd probably count us lucky." Out of any of the other things that could kill them... Karkat files it away like he did the thoughts of Sollux, trying to turn his attention properly to the movie. Maybe, maybe, if he stays distracted, he'll forget to rant.
(Who are we kidding, it's going to take him twenty minutes at most to explode.)
[ it's just so funny. hilarious. definitely. except it never has been save for what he tells his friends - because dave lies to his best friends all the time when it comes to his homelife or his feelings on most things. it's simpler. it protects them.
it protects dave, because he balks at calling this what it is. bro's fine, bro's just training him, there's nothing to be worried about. if he doesn't think about it it just isn't real.
dave edges further out into the room, wary.
the flickering lights, he thinks, will make it even harder to spot bro moving than usual. but the television is on and maybe he's suppose to go there so he just...breathes and moves. it's fine, this isn't scary, it's totally okay. ]
[ Yep, there he goes, down the hallway, heading towards the sound of television. Just like he expected. He can't really predict what Dave is feeling right now, but he knows there is always room for improvement. There's always room for growth. It's his twisted version of school of hard-knocks filled with puppets and irony and just general awfulness.
It'll be surprising if Dave doesn't succeed.
On another part of the country, John is also getting prepared for what is going to happen soon, with fatherly encouragement via crumpled up notes and strifing with cake-- laughable, honestly. What kind of sissy training was that? Not anything Bro was interested in-- he wasn't babysitting, but it wouldn't have done any harm to show a little more of his nurturing side. It existed, somewhere within the depths of his heart, and the very few occasions he showed it he gave it to his weird sex chat bots or hand made crafts.
He was going to be the guardian that raised one tough cookie without remorse of his actions.
Speaking of not showing remorse for his actions, he's just going to chuck a nice handful of Batman shaped kunai out of what seems to be thin air right towards Dave. If he isn't quick enough, that could seriously hurt. But that's just it, he has got a feeling by now that Dave is strong and smart enough to evade such an attack. There's about five of them that are thrown, and they stick into the wall-- the sofa-- literally anything in the living room.
Dave might see his shadow and feel a breeze of him flashstepping near him, but otherwise he's vanished. ]
[ JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. it's less "smart" and more "this shit happens often enough that his shitty spidey senses kick in". something moves and displaces the air and he slams sideways out of the way of sharp bladed objects that pass through the space where he was half a second previously.
dave registers those were kunai, but there's no real shock that bro's throwing around real live weapons. that's what he does.
what they do? bro's always on about weaponizing his sylladex but dave has never really gotten the knack. he can use a sword and defend himself (kind of; he ends up getting his ass kicked with bro 100% of the time) but despite how he was raised dave strider is just...
not. he's not bloodthristy. he's not cutthroat. he doesn't like causing harm to other people and even though he's well aware he can't land a damn hit on bro even if he tries, dave's attempts are kind of juvenile. if he ever got close to actually cutting his brother he'd pull the damn punch. it doesn't matter that bro never has, never will. dave doesn't have it in him to attack other people when it isn't life and fucking death.
maybe someday he'll be able to cut off someone's head, yeah. but daily domestic strifes aren't a situation where he has to grit his teeth and act like that.
mostly they're situations where he has to survive.
breathe. dave collects the kunai because why the fuck not, dropping them in his sylladex and continuing his search for, apparently, probably expired milk.
or more likely some more traps. shit. ]
Why are we on a horror theme. [ muttered, because he doesn't expect a response. it's not like he has to be stealth - bro knows where he is, obviously. ]
[ He's in rare form today, it seems. Slinging some kunai around without inviting Dave onto the roof top. Dave evaded the first attack as he predicted he would. Dave can continue his venture, but he'll get a message. ]
whyre you so afraid.
[ A vague message. Anybody could be scared shitless in this apartment filled with life or death strife, but to Bro, it all makes sense to him. Why are you so afraid to fight back? That's what he really means. You know, fight fight back. Dave may be giving it all he's got, but Bro considers it child's play. ]
weak. didnt mean to raise someone so motherfucking soft.
[ bro didn't mean to, but maybe there's something about roxy lalonde's genetics that can't be beat. or maybe it's just something in dave himself. he's ruthless in comparison to his friends sometimes, but he's not emotionless and he's not as ruthless as maybe he should be. ]
im not afraid im just trying to dodge whirling death traps is that not a thing im supposed to be doing are there whirling death traps btw
[ at least he can text one handed without looking too much as he eases into he kitchen. probably there's at least one of bro's many camera dolls.
[ The kitchen, well yes. There's a couple of dolls. Dave can probably hear the slight whirl their eyes make, following his every movement. Also, the swords are in rare form today, scattered all over the floor and actually stabbed into the counter top.
There's a note on the fridge at least. It's hard to make out in the dim lighting what it says but maybe Dave can step over some of those shitty weapons and get the note cause that's obviously what's going on here. ]
have i ever given you whirling death traps lil man. makes me sound like a bad guy when you say that.
[ aw man. dave actually pauses to examine the swords stabbed into the counter top with some dismay, kind of wriggling one of the handles. it's maybe a good thing he never actually USES the kitchen for its intended purpose (according to the internet and tv) because this is just a ridiculous amount of damage? how do you even fix this shit. is this structurally sound still?
anyway.
he does eventually stop stalling and go to read the note.
obviously bro was able to write and tape up this reply in the space of less than a second.
god. ]
there havent been any yet but that doesnt mean that i should relax and go yeah my life will never have whirling death traps ever that seems like the best way to invite the universe to go hey dave guess what about that even if you were completely uninvolved in the matter
[ You know, he can't really explain it, but Bro is pretty unnecessarily violent. Stabbing those blades into the counter top isn't an every occurrence-- maybe something has pissed him off recently. Nobody will ever know or understand his behavior, so nobody will ever know if he's pissed off or what pissed him off.
The cabinet doors shudder but Bro is barely seen-- just a mirage-- looks like he's helping himself to something in the kitchen. The pitter patter of feet is even heard faintly on the kitchen tile at rapid speed, but then he's gone without a trace.
By now, a new note has appeared on the counter. Uh, what? ]
HELP URSELF TO THE FRIDGE BRO.
[ Right. The fridge that still has a note on it. A text message follows: ] like the new decor. martha stewart can eat my ass.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
memes
no subject
honestly maybe it should be a human courtship stable for douchebags but to my knowledge it isnt one as of yet
not that any actual courtship rituals make sense moreso
have you ever dated someone dude it makes literally no sense
like as you do it youre basically strapped into a rocket going full speed for a collision with the crust of the earth or like insert your planet of choice here
with absolutely no way to detour the disaster coming?
thats romance
also we could talk about something else technically
you got this bc everyone else is grayed out on my list
even egbert
its absolutely tragic
who actually sleeps at this hour
no subject
iit2 ba2iically no diifferent from my liife ii2 what youre iimplyiing here.
becau2e iim already 2trapped iintwo that rocket headed 2traiight for collii2iion wiithout a re2traiint belt on.
except iit ha2 nothiing two do wiith human court2hiip but my iineviitable demii2e.
oh.
2o youre only talkiing two me becau2e nobody el2e ii2 avaiilable.
that make2 2en2e.
no subject
like
if the only person available were say the juggalo troll
i would go what if i just talk to myself instead
full offense to the juggalo troll
or like the sweaty horse porn guy
full offense to him also
also high five for being fucking doomed i guess
no subject
what doe2 that make me the iincompetent p2ychiic a22hole eheheheh.
ii gue22 were all techniically doomed 2o 2ure hiigh fiive.
iill ju2t be goiing ahead fiir2t.
no subject
the computer asshole one mostly
your traits are not actually designed to piss me off
or weird me the hell out
or like there are the ones i never even talk to but
youre very into your dibs arent you
but anyway i turned away kazoo guy but hes still serenading me
what do you think i could throw out the window at his head
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do you have any throwiing 2tar2 lyiing around?
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third in line is like
man i dont even know i dont genuinely rank people that way
i mean yes
some suitarangs
that seems maybe lethal tho my aim isnt bad
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you could at lea2t giive me 2ome optiion2 here.
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you forgot the pretty in the part where you mentioned my blond little head
also yeah see you in a bit dude door is unlocked
i rely on the fact im probably near the bottom of his hitlist and also time travel
slams in here u can use any format u want i'll match
ANYWAY.
"I didn't forget," he declares, just to make sure that Dave knows for a fact he was not going to call him pretty, or something, because toxic masculinity may not be a troll thing but freaking out and protesting too much about stupid shit is definitely a Karkat thing.
As for the rest: "he hasn't murdered anyone in a while, so I'm taking it as a good sign even though he's too deep in the dark carnival horseshit and fine-tuning his crazy all the while."
On that note: a delicately placed peanut butter cup.
flaps hands i'm fine with any format
"You know, I feel like havin' to specify "in a while" kind of takes away from the implication that this should be a good thing? Like yeah, this terrible thing, no worries, it has been twenty three whole days since our last murder." He's not even actually keeping track of the number. "And what about the whole stealing corpses and dismembering them for jars thing, is he cold turkey on that yet?"
He will also snag that peanut butter cup, thank you.
excellent
"It's a good thing if you know everything he's capable of," Karkat mutters, and then straightens even more. "It's been a fuck of a lot longer than twenty three days," he says stiffly, because he in fact has been counting just to make sure. He doesn't think he's high on Gamzee's murder list but he's still wary, and: "no," is the last answer, his shoulders hunching forward. "I don't think there's any chance of him going 'cold turkey'" with air quotes, "on that until there aren't any bodies left to steal." Which should happen soon, at the rate Gamzee is taking them.
Okay, now he's going to slide to the floor in defeat. Animals win.
no subject
Okay, morbid. Think other thoughts, Strider.
"So, are you ready for the movie? Or do you have to like, pre-game the movie somehow. Give me a whole spiel on the artistry that is about to occur, or bitch about the ships, or something?"
no subject
There's a pause where Karkat looks from the screen, back to Dave, back to the screen, opens his mouth and takes a breath, then grabs some popcorn and shoves it into his mouth, shaking his head. It's a struggle, a visible one, but all the same once he swallows, he speaks. "No. Start the movie."
He really, really wants to go into a rant but he'll save it for afterward.
no subject
His usual quiet ramble continues even as he hits "play" on the movie, not calling Karkat on the really obvious refusal to rant. Dave has faith Karkat will blow a gasket eventually. He's more reliable than Old Faithful, especially now that Old Faithful no longer exists.
no subject
"If we die from regular health issues, I'd probably count us lucky." Out of any of the other things that could kill them... Karkat files it away like he did the thoughts of Sollux, trying to turn his attention properly to the movie. Maybe, maybe, if he stays distracted, he'll forget to rant.
(Who are we kidding, it's going to take him twenty minutes at most to explode.)
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[ it's just so funny. hilarious. definitely. except it never has been save for what he tells his friends - because dave lies to his best friends all the time when it comes to his homelife or his feelings on most things. it's simpler. it protects them.
it protects dave, because he balks at calling this what it is. bro's fine, bro's just training him, there's nothing to be worried about. if he doesn't think about it it just isn't real.
dave edges further out into the room, wary.
the flickering lights, he thinks, will make it even harder to spot bro moving than usual. but the television is on and maybe he's suppose to go there so he just...breathes and moves. it's fine, this isn't scary, it's totally okay. ]
no subject
It'll be surprising if Dave doesn't succeed.
On another part of the country, John is also getting prepared for what is going to happen soon, with fatherly encouragement via crumpled up notes and strifing with cake-- laughable, honestly. What kind of sissy training was that? Not anything Bro was interested in-- he wasn't babysitting, but it wouldn't have done any harm to show a little more of his nurturing side. It existed, somewhere within the depths of his heart, and the very few occasions he showed it he gave it to his weird sex chat bots or hand made crafts.
He was going to be the guardian that raised one tough cookie without remorse of his actions.
Speaking of not showing remorse for his actions, he's just going to chuck a nice handful of Batman shaped kunai out of what seems to be thin air right towards Dave. If he isn't quick enough, that could seriously hurt. But that's just it, he has got a feeling by now that Dave is strong and smart enough to evade such an attack. There's about five of them that are thrown, and they stick into the wall-- the sofa-- literally anything in the living room.
Dave might see his shadow and feel a breeze of him flashstepping near him, but otherwise he's vanished. ]
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dave registers those were kunai, but there's no real shock that bro's throwing around real live weapons. that's what he does.
what they do? bro's always on about weaponizing his sylladex but dave has never really gotten the knack. he can use a sword and defend himself (kind of; he ends up getting his ass kicked with bro 100% of the time) but despite how he was raised dave strider is just...
not. he's not bloodthristy. he's not cutthroat. he doesn't like causing harm to other people and even though he's well aware he can't land a damn hit on bro even if he tries, dave's attempts are kind of juvenile. if he ever got close to actually cutting his brother he'd pull the damn punch. it doesn't matter that bro never has, never will. dave doesn't have it in him to attack other people when it isn't life and fucking death.
maybe someday he'll be able to cut off someone's head, yeah. but daily domestic strifes aren't a situation where he has to grit his teeth and act like that.
mostly they're situations where he has to survive.
breathe. dave collects the kunai because why the fuck not, dropping them in his sylladex and continuing his search for, apparently, probably expired milk.
or more likely some more traps. shit. ]
Why are we on a horror theme. [ muttered, because he doesn't expect a response. it's not like he has to be stealth - bro knows where he is, obviously. ]
no subject
whyre you so afraid.
[ A vague message. Anybody could be scared shitless in this apartment filled with life or death strife, but to Bro, it all makes sense to him.
Why are you so afraid to fight back? That's what he really means. You know, fight fight back. Dave may be giving it all he's got, but Bro considers it child's play. ]
weak.
didnt mean to raise someone so
motherfucking soft.
oh that's a cool icon...
im not afraid im just trying to dodge whirling death traps
is that not a thing im supposed to be doing
are there whirling death traps btw
[ at least he can text one handed without looking too much as he eases into he kitchen. probably there's at least one of bro's many camera dolls.
creepy. ]
i think it's actually dirk??? but who care
There's a note on the fridge at least. It's hard to make out in the dim lighting what it says but maybe Dave can step over some of those shitty weapons and get the note cause that's obviously what's going on here. ]
have i ever given you whirling death traps lil man.
makes me sound like a bad guy when you say that.
same diff after a lil scratch
anyway.
he does eventually stop stalling and go to read the note.
obviously bro was able to write and tape up this reply in the space of less than a second.
god. ]
there havent been any yet but that doesnt mean that i should relax and go yeah my life will never have whirling death traps ever
that seems like the best way to invite the universe to go
hey dave
guess what
about that
even if you were completely uninvolved in the matter
no subject
The cabinet doors shudder but Bro is barely seen-- just a mirage-- looks like he's helping himself to something in the kitchen. The pitter patter of feet is even heard faintly on the kitchen tile at rapid speed, but then he's gone without a trace.
By now, a new note has appeared on the counter. Uh, what? ]
HELP URSELF TO THE FRIDGE BRO.
[ Right. The fridge that still has a note on it.
A text message follows: ]
like the new decor.
martha stewart can eat my ass.
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