...whatever, fine. We'll go to McDonald's or something before we head to the course. Deal? They have apple slices and stuff. [Why is it that negotiating with Dave is also sometimes like negotiating with a toddler.]
I never thought you did. [He tilts his head curiously, still keeping Dave's face in his hands because it's still clear he's pretty touch-starved even if John has zero idea what's actually up.]
...remember when I said I wanted you to try? That applied to trying to talk to us about what can help maybe make things more okay, too. Don't think about telling them that you didn't want to tell them things and all of that. I just mean in general. Specifically. We can't give you what you want if you don't talk to us, dude. You understand, don't you?
I can't make those requests of you, dude, they generally aren't fair.
[ or they're directly counter to things other people want. because there's at least one thing he wants that he's never specifically stated and has never once been granted. and it is the stupidest thing a time player could ever ask for. ]
How unfair are we talking? [Like that was going to stop him from asking.
He should let go of Dave's face. He should maybe like. Consider what he's doing. And maybe throw himself off a cliff because this is hard and weird but it also makes some sense and that's probably not what Dave wants or needs.]
[ it's his damn aspect but without killing himself with loops he cannot give himself as much of it as he needs. ]
I want time, and I want it to be...okay that I need it. [ there's a wry twist to his lips, now. ] And that's not really okay, is it, if however much time I need doesn't work for everyone else's schedules.
...I cannot guarantee it's going to be okay for the others. That wouldn't be fair to you or to them. But it's still okay with me as long as you are okay with me using my time as I need. I want to be able to help them, but I do not want to speed you up or leave you behind.
I will give you time if you can try to work with me on things. That's the compromise.
It's already been made clear to me it's not okay for them. I was supposed to be over this by now.
[ his hands raise to cover john's, and his fingers are still cold. ]
So you need to be okay with me not being okay with what I'll make myself do. Because I won't be okay with any of this in any timeframe everyone else would agree to. So I'll force it, and it'll be fine, and you need to not give a fuck about that. I'll give you anything you want here, John, but you have to understand that?
[ sixteen years to even speak about bro, and then only because he was trapped. he can't be okay with speaking about the past when it's always a half step away from someone remembering something that could lead back to that, or remembering something that would get them locked into the same awkward distance he'd ended up sharing with jade. not easily and not quickly.
he's aware the time he needs is time he can't ever get, even with the gear on his chest, and he's willing (resigned?) to ignore that kind of naive bullshit to simply give away the pieces he's asked for and to force himself through the shit he doesn't want to do or say. the aftermath can be a problem for future dave. ]
I can't flashstep my way through how I feel about shit. I'm sorry. But I can force myself through it and deal with it later. I can try to work with you like that.
[He doesn't say anything and he doesn't pull his hands away. He lets Dave do this and he shuts up to listen despite how much he wants to argue about it.]
You can't really ask me not to give a fuck, but I get what you are saying. I can try to keep it to myself and let you do this even though...[It'll hurt.]
Is that the deal then? I don't give a fuck about you pushing through what needs to be done and you let me be on the other end when you're dealing with the aftermath?
No. [ that's not the deal, because: ] I deal alone.
[ his expression closes off, but yeah, no. he can't work through this in his own time to the point where he's okay with things but he can at least deal with how it'll fuck him up on the other side on his own, in his own time. that he can do on his own schedule, maybe, because surely he doesn't actually owe any of them really being okay in a set amount of time.
does he? it's fucked up, but he's not even sure if that's true or not. if it isn't, he really will have to learn to fake it. ]
All y'all can't give me time to get to the point where I can do this the "right" way or whatever, and it's not fair to ask for that. And I do understand why, and that everyone is scared, and that everyone wants answers. But I at least can deal with the result on my own in my own time later.
[ months or years or decades or whatever, he'll add it to the list of other issues he's daunted by. he won't explain fully why this is so difficult for him and he definitely doesn't think it'll help to do so as he systematically forces himself to shove past things instead of work through them, or even after. that'd be the same sort of forced effort that's going to hurt already.
that conversation with dirk hadn't really fixed anything at all, and he knows that already. ]
I'll work with you on giving you whatever you need for a balance, but no, none of you are gonna be on the other end. I'm already headin' there alone and I always have been.
[No. That's definitely not what he wants and he doesn't know how to say that because he doesn't have a frame of reference. He doesn't know what Dave's thinking or what Dave remember and he thinks about two of his best friends fucking off for a suicide mission and not telling him and not being able to do anything back then. He thinks about Dave who deals on his own now and while he can normally respect all of that, all he says is:]
[ john keeps saying he wants honesty, so dave errs on the side of truth, exhausted and not really looking forward to whatever comes next: ]
Because dealin' with it alone is the only damage control I can do here. It's bad enough I already admitted to all of you I just don't fuckin' want to talk about this shit. If I'd been on the ball at all I wouldn't have let anyone know that part and I would have just given in and told people shit from the start, and dealt with it in secret.
[ because, like, the problem at the heart of things here is probably that he did not lie well enough. next time he'll fail to admit there's any problem at all and suppress it forever and just put up with whatever he's internally super hating. ...which canonically works out great but u know what ]
[This is stupid. He knows it's stupid but he also knows fighting him on the subject won't help so John stares at him for a moment before he sighs through his nose.]
...I already know you made up your mind. I just sort of wish I could change it? That is a really bad way to handle things, dude.
[ what does he think they're supposed to do, dave means. probably "be there for you" but he's never been able to accept them being there for him in the sense he tells them things. not often, not outside of his own idiosyncratic timeframe where he reaches out on his own haphazardly based on the phases of the moon.
john's tried to protect dave, a little, but dave just isn't used to that. not anymore. ]
Support? Giving you time? Having your back so you don't have to actually deal with things alone because it will just make things even worse? What the fuck kind of friends were we if we left you to handle stuff on your own all the time? I don't...what am I supposed to do?
You won't know about any of the future stuff, so it's fine.
[ b/c that is a good life choice, just deciding next time he'll hide it better, but that aside: ]
John, how the fuck can you give me time? We both agree that the best option is just tellin' them everything they want, don't we? Regardless of how that happens. Whether it's me writing it all down for you or just telling you and you passing it along or...whatever. Like...that's what makes the most sense, just doing it. I don't know what you're supposed to do after, okay? I guess have a strategy meeting and leave me to my own devices for a while. It's not like it's a huge deal.
...[He doesn't really have an answer, so he doesn't provide one. Instead, he's just sort of accepting that this is a deadend and that he's a little doomed, that Dave won't let himself be helped and John has to find another option. It makes his stomach twist and he kind of wants to keep yelling but that's not going to help. Retreating won't help either but until he can figure things out (be brave enough to figure out a new option) he has to let this go.]
Sure. [ he pries john's hands off his face and lets them go. ] ...but for the record, support or protection or help or whatever it is you beat yourself up over isn't anything I ever expected from you. When I told you what a best friend was, it was never...it was what it meant for what I'd do. Not what I ever asked of you.
[ he says it because he means it to help, somehow. ]
Bein' around you usually calmed my nerves down. That's all I ever wanted from you. [ all he'd ever expect and not even something he'd ever ask for. ]
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[ why is he even discussing this does he even actually care. ]
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Okay well. When did you last eat? I know you skipped breakfast.
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I had lunch?
[ yesterday. ]
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...whatever, fine. We'll go to McDonald's or something before we head to the course. Deal? They have apple slices and stuff. [Why is it that negotiating with Dave is also sometimes like negotiating with a toddler.]
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[ clear as mud, even as he starts to lean back. ]
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Be like...what?
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A thousand miles away at cross-purposes. Not okay. Whatever.
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...remember when I said I wanted you to try? That applied to trying to talk to us about what can help maybe make things more okay, too. Don't think about telling them that you didn't want to tell them things and all of that. I just mean in general. Specifically. We can't give you what you want if you don't talk to us, dude. You understand, don't you?
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[ or they're directly counter to things other people want. because there's at least one thing he wants that he's never specifically stated and has never once been granted. and it is the stupidest thing a time player could ever ask for. ]
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He should let go of Dave's face. He should maybe like. Consider what he's doing. And maybe throw himself off a cliff because this is hard and weird but it also makes some sense and that's probably not what Dave wants or needs.]
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[ it's his damn aspect but without killing himself with loops he cannot give himself as much of it as he needs. ]
I want time, and I want it to be...okay that I need it. [ there's a wry twist to his lips, now. ] And that's not really okay, is it, if however much time I need doesn't work for everyone else's schedules.
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I will give you time if you can try to work with me on things. That's the compromise.
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[ his hands raise to cover john's, and his fingers are still cold. ]
So you need to be okay with me not being okay with what I'll make myself do. Because I won't be okay with any of this in any timeframe everyone else would agree to. So I'll force it, and it'll be fine, and you need to not give a fuck about that. I'll give you anything you want here, John, but you have to understand that?
[ sixteen years to even speak about bro, and then only because he was trapped. he can't be okay with speaking about the past when it's always a half step away from someone remembering something that could lead back to that, or remembering something that would get them locked into the same awkward distance he'd ended up sharing with jade. not easily and not quickly.
he's aware the time he needs is time he can't ever get, even with the gear on his chest, and he's willing (resigned?) to ignore that kind of naive bullshit to simply give away the pieces he's asked for and to force himself through the shit he doesn't want to do or say. the aftermath can be a problem for future dave. ]
I can't flashstep my way through how I feel about shit. I'm sorry. But I can force myself through it and deal with it later. I can try to work with you like that.
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You can't really ask me not to give a fuck, but I get what you are saying. I can try to keep it to myself and let you do this even though...[It'll hurt.]
Is that the deal then? I don't give a fuck about you pushing through what needs to be done and you let me be on the other end when you're dealing with the aftermath?
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[ his expression closes off, but yeah, no. he can't work through this in his own time to the point where he's okay with things but he can at least deal with how it'll fuck him up on the other side on his own, in his own time. that he can do on his own schedule, maybe, because surely he doesn't actually owe any of them really being okay in a set amount of time.
does he? it's fucked up, but he's not even sure if that's true or not. if it isn't, he really will have to learn to fake it. ]
All y'all can't give me time to get to the point where I can do this the "right" way or whatever, and it's not fair to ask for that. And I do understand why, and that everyone is scared, and that everyone wants answers. But I at least can deal with the result on my own in my own time later.
[ months or years or decades or whatever, he'll add it to the list of other issues he's daunted by. he won't explain fully why this is so difficult for him and he definitely doesn't think it'll help to do so as he systematically forces himself to shove past things instead of work through them, or even after. that'd be the same sort of forced effort that's going to hurt already.
that conversation with dirk hadn't really fixed anything at all, and he knows that already. ]
I'll work with you on giving you whatever you need for a balance, but no, none of you are gonna be on the other end. I'm already headin' there alone and I always have been.
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Why?
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Because dealin' with it alone is the only damage control I can do here. It's bad enough I already admitted to all of you I just don't fuckin' want to talk about this shit. If I'd been on the ball at all I wouldn't have let anyone know that part and I would have just given in and told people shit from the start, and dealt with it in secret.
[ because, like, the problem at the heart of things here is probably that he did not lie well enough. next time he'll fail to admit there's any problem at all and suppress it forever and just put up with whatever he's internally super hating. ...which canonically works out great but u know what ]
I know better now.
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...I already know you made up your mind. I just sort of wish I could change it? That is a really bad way to handle things, dude.
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[ dave's kind of laughing? that's stupid, but. ]
I can't take the time to work through things instead of power through 'em because people are kinda sick of that?
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[ what does he think they're supposed to do, dave means. probably "be there for you" but he's never been able to accept them being there for him in the sense he tells them things. not often, not outside of his own idiosyncratic timeframe where he reaches out on his own haphazardly based on the phases of the moon.
john's tried to protect dave, a little, but dave just isn't used to that. not anymore. ]
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[ b/c that is a good life choice, just deciding next time he'll hide it better, but that aside: ]
John, how the fuck can you give me time? We both agree that the best option is just tellin' them everything they want, don't we? Regardless of how that happens. Whether it's me writing it all down for you or just telling you and you passing it along or...whatever. Like...that's what makes the most sense, just doing it. I don't know what you're supposed to do after, okay? I guess have a strategy meeting and leave me to my own devices for a while. It's not like it's a huge deal.
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We can talk about this later, okay?
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[ he says it because he means it to help, somehow. ]
Bein' around you usually calmed my nerves down. That's all I ever wanted from you. [ all he'd ever expect and not even something he'd ever ask for. ]
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