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[parodeity]

DAVE STRIDER

consider this your warning about stairs. itll just keep happening bro. im telling you man

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[parodeity]

No. [ that's not the deal, because: ] I deal alone.

[ his expression closes off, but yeah, no. he can't work through this in his own time to the point where he's okay with things but he can at least deal with how it'll fuck him up on the other side on his own, in his own time. that he can do on his own schedule, maybe, because surely he doesn't actually owe any of them really being okay in a set amount of time.

does he? it's fucked up, but he's not even sure if that's true or not. if it isn't, he really will have to learn to fake it. ]

All y'all can't give me time to get to the point where I can do this the "right" way or whatever, and it's not fair to ask for that. And I do understand why, and that everyone is scared, and that everyone wants answers. But I at least can deal with the result on my own in my own time later.

[ months or years or decades or whatever, he'll add it to the list of other issues he's daunted by. he won't explain fully why this is so difficult for him and he definitely doesn't think it'll help to do so as he systematically forces himself to shove past things instead of work through them, or even after. that'd be the same sort of forced effort that's going to hurt already.

that conversation with dirk hadn't really fixed anything at all, and he knows that already. ]

I'll work with you on giving you whatever you need for a balance, but no, none of you are gonna be on the other end. I'm already headin' there alone and I always have been.

[windeity]

[No. That's definitely not what he wants and he doesn't know how to say that because he doesn't have a frame of reference. He doesn't know what Dave's thinking or what Dave remember and he thinks about two of his best friends fucking off for a suicide mission and not telling him and not being able to do anything back then. He thinks about Dave who deals on his own now and while he can normally respect all of that, all he says is:]

Why?

[parodeity]

[ john keeps saying he wants honesty, so dave errs on the side of truth, exhausted and not really looking forward to whatever comes next: ]

Because dealin' with it alone is the only damage control I can do here. It's bad enough I already admitted to all of you I just don't fuckin' want to talk about this shit. If I'd been on the ball at all I wouldn't have let anyone know that part and I would have just given in and told people shit from the start, and dealt with it in secret.

[ because, like, the problem at the heart of things here is probably that he did not lie well enough. next time he'll fail to admit there's any problem at all and suppress it forever and just put up with whatever he's internally super hating. ...which canonically works out great but u know what ]

I know better now.

[windeity]

[This is stupid. He knows it's stupid but he also knows fighting him on the subject won't help so John stares at him for a moment before he sighs through his nose.]

...I already know you made up your mind. I just sort of wish I could change it? That is a really bad way to handle things, dude.

[parodeity]

Name one other option.

[ dave's kind of laughing? that's stupid, but. ]

I can't take the time to work through things instead of power through 'em because people are kinda sick of that?

[windeity]

That's not what I'm sick of, actually. What about Rose? What about me? Isn't that what we're supposed to do as your friends?

[parodeity]

Isn't what?

[ what does he think they're supposed to do, dave means. probably "be there for you" but he's never been able to accept them being there for him in the sense he tells them things. not often, not outside of his own idiosyncratic timeframe where he reaches out on his own haphazardly based on the phases of the moon.

john's tried to protect dave, a little, but dave just isn't used to that. not anymore. ]

[windeity]

Support? Giving you time? Having your back so you don't have to actually deal with things alone because it will just make things even worse? What the fuck kind of friends were we if we left you to handle stuff on your own all the time? I don't...what am I supposed to do?

[parodeity]

You won't know about any of the future stuff, so it's fine.

[ b/c that is a good life choice, just deciding next time he'll hide it better, but that aside: ]

John, how the fuck can you give me time? We both agree that the best option is just tellin' them everything they want, don't we? Regardless of how that happens. Whether it's me writing it all down for you or just telling you and you passing it along or...whatever. Like...that's what makes the most sense, just doing it. I don't know what you're supposed to do after, okay? I guess have a strategy meeting and leave me to my own devices for a while. It's not like it's a huge deal.

[windeity]

...[He doesn't really have an answer, so he doesn't provide one. Instead, he's just sort of accepting that this is a deadend and that he's a little doomed, that Dave won't let himself be helped and John has to find another option. It makes his stomach twist and he kind of wants to keep yelling but that's not going to help. Retreating won't help either but until he can figure things out (be brave enough to figure out a new option) he has to let this go.]

We can talk about this later, okay?

[parodeity]

Sure. [ he pries john's hands off his face and lets them go. ] ...but for the record, support or protection or help or whatever it is you beat yourself up over isn't anything I ever expected from you. When I told you what a best friend was, it was never...it was what it meant for what I'd do. Not what I ever asked of you.

[ he says it because he means it to help, somehow. ]

Bein' around you usually calmed my nerves down. That's all I ever wanted from you. [ all he'd ever expect and not even something he'd ever ask for. ]

[windeity]

[His hands are dropped and they rest in his lap as he stares at the steering wheel before looking at Dave again.]

I know. That's probably the part that bugs me the most. [There's a closed lip smile before he releases the brakes and starts driving again.] But...I can do that. If you'll stick around, I will, too.

[parodeity]

...Why does it bug you? [ he makes zero promises on sticking around or not, but focuses on that part instead. ]

[windeity]

Let's say something was really bothering me. I don't know, something really, really bad that I could not process on my own. What would you do?

[parodeity]

Anything you asked of me.

[windeity]

Cool. What about if I didn't ask and you thought it was something I needed anyway? What would you do?

[parodeity]

...It'd depend on what it was, and how you reacted. [ to be honest. ] I'd do anything for you, but you don't always want that from me.

[windeity]

[There's a nod.]

So how come you would do anything for me, but you don't think I could or should do anything for you? I am just wondering.

[parodeity]

I don't see how you can magically make things better here, breezy.

[windeity]

I didn't say it'd be right away, douche. But I can try, can't I?

[parodeity]

No deal if you mean you want to stick around through the aftermath.

[ dave leans against the door. ]

...But if you want to try to find some mythical third option that keeps everyone sorted, sure. You can try.

[windeity]

I'm going to. That's the best way. [He's still unhappy but this is the best compromise he can come up with and he shakes his head again.]

You don't think I can?

[parodeity]

Not really, if we're talking about somethin' where I don't man up and deal. But you're you. Maybe you'll be able to shit a rainbow out of all this somehow.

[windeity]

[Silence. He thinks about some things and he stays quiet even as they approach the training grounds.]

...you know I love you, don't you?

[parodeity]

[ his breath catches, and there's a laugh. ]

I love you, too. [ that part is almost easy. ] John, it's okay if there isn't a solution. Or if the solution is just me learning to adapt. This isn't on you. Okay?