parodeity | recollé ic inbox 3.0;

Because it means I had people that would stick with me no matter what. And it means maybe something there is a reason for stuff happening in this life. I know it is an exception and I get it, a lot of people had happy lives before this bullshit started.

There isn't a reason for anythin' in paradox space that ain't "just because". But you had more than just us for that. You have more than just me, even if you've always had that and pretty much always will.

[ because it isn't like dave strider can back out of a friendship with john egbert?? ]

...I've been getting more memories back than I've been telling you. And every time I remember stuff about you, it kind of feels like a part of my life makes a little more sense. Maybe I do have more people, but right now this is about you and me and the fact that I wish I had met you when we were ten years old. You're...one of the first people I have felt really comfortable around for months.

...like what? [ can't be anything that dave is scared of, surely, or john would be more...something. ] I wished you were here ever since - for a long time.

I kinda got weird at Anya and Ami's party because I remembered my dad gave me a suit for my 13th birthday. I remember stupid chats with you and parts of the game that I don't understand and Jade had a dog and just so many little things. I remember your raps and talking about movies and begging me to play the game with Rose. I remember talking to a different you that wasn't you and all I wanted was to talk to the real you because you were my friend and you were the Dave that understood what was happening the same way I did. And part of a letter from you. Just so many little things...and I got tired of being around people and still feeling kind of alone so that is why I made the deal with you to share stuff whenever you wanted to know. And I figured out people maybe felt the same, so that is why I want to learn what I can.

[There's a pause as he swallows a little, nestling his face against Dave's shoulder.] I want that back. What we had. I don't even know all of it but I want it. But it felt stupid asking you when you had a whole other life here before I even showed up.

[ it's a lot. it's a lot and john still doesn't know the things that wait: their guardians, dead, all of them always dying - a universe that had to be reset more than once. they had lost so many people. dave isn't certain their happy ending was what it was supposed to be. and he doesn't know what he should be most afraid of. ]

I can't remember it right. [ his voice is small and quiet and he doesn't remember telling even dirk this - not really. ] This whole other life I had here. When I think about things more and more the first memories to come to mind aren't here. You asked me how I learned turntables and the first thing I thought was "watchin' Bro" but that never happened here. I talk to Rose and I keep missing steps because she doesn't remember the inside jokes I go to first.

[It hurts in a way it shouldn't. He's barely started the journey and he knows there's more waiting for them both, knows that Dave isn't telling him everything for a reason. Of course he's scared of what's coming but at the same time he refuses to run away from it. Instead, he's running right toward it.

When Dave speaks he finds himself curling into his back and pulling him closer anyway, still not saying anything but also letting his eyes shut a bit. For some reason he's found that Dave will talk more if he's securing him. If that's what it takes, then okay.]

Can I ask you something? [He doesn't even wait.] Which life feels right now? Either of them?

...mine. [ and it is the least helpful answer in the world? ] Texas and LOHAC and before. And all of this bullshit after the fact.

So you do believe we can have both of them together. [And he doesn't ask what LOHAC is, though he has a slight feeling he should know.] Then you should be even less surprised I want this.

I...find it hard to remember this life first, before the rest. But the portions of it lived since I remembered shit ain't hard. It's just another series of chronological loops.

[ quietly. and unsure how to answer the other part wtf ]

Things that are supposed to happen when they happen because they have no choice but to happen. A pattern we have to go through and cannot really erase from existence. I don't get time travel still, but I think I understand that a little better.

[There's a long silence, almost like maybe he's fallen asleep.] ...I almost didn't come to the city, you know. That was sort of a last minute decision.

Because of the girlfriend? [ no response to the cyclical nature of paradox space because it gets Dark when you discuss it with a time player. ]

[A brief moment of hesitance.]

Yes? Sort of. I mean she was a factor in my decision-making, yes, but not the only factor.

Is it a no go to ask what the other reasons were? I know I was kind of banned from discussion of her anyway.

...I mean. If we are having the weird soul-baring conversation thing and all of that, I actually don't mind. Um. Talking about the reasons and also her, I guess. [...] Ayano sort of made me tell her part of the story about her anyway. It's been a weird night, dude.

[He's busy pressing his face into the mattress for a moment though, taking a few deep breaths.] ...for a while, I was debating college at all. I had a few places I applied and I actually have an online friend here that told me about the city. Non-network. Otherwise I might have known about how crazy the city is. But when my ex and I broke up and I realized that all of my friends I had in high school actually were not that important to me, I got a little stuck on if I wanted to stay and go to school in Seattle. I would have if Nanna wanted me to stay but...she kind of told me I had to do what was best for me. So here we are.

...I'm trying for biology because I want to make sure I can do something that'll make her proud. Dumb, right?

I am definitely not the person to ask about that. [ laugh track because yeah all the shit he did for bro? ] But if she's anything like the weird version of your nanna I vaguely know of I'd say probably she'd be proud of you if you were happy? And for the record if bio makes you happy or is just what you wanna do, like...yeah.

[ he pesters john about music but dave is fine with john doing anything at all as long as sometimes he plays music. or even if not that. ]

I...don't think I can soul bare in return re failed relationships unless you want something pre scratch two? Until you get certain things back, if you do. I don't...want to link those to this. Or me.

You mean the ghost version. [Flatly. Because yeah, he remembers Nannasprite and it's a little alarming to realize that.] ...I mean yes? I know you have a point in that, you're right, she'll be happy if I'm happy. I think I am still trying to figure out what makes me happy, that's all. Biology isn't it, but being able to hopefully get a good job and pay her back for everything she's done for me would.

[Music makes him happy, and he's better now, but he still shies away sometimes. It's sort of like digging into an open wound on occasion, but it's better.]

...how many scratches happened, exactly? [But there's a small huff.] I...might know a thing or two about one of your failed relationships so. Whatever you want to tell me, I don't care. If you don't want to tell me, fine. But...yeah. I get it. I've been weird. So...whatever you want to know, fire away.

I don't know if you do? [ completely baffled. ] I didn't talk about them and really it was just the one. I dated Pyrope, it didn't work out. I don't think I broke up with the other person I dated. As to how many - I guess only one specifically but the terminology works and I'd say - wait, two specifically. So at least three back home but four if you count this.

...wait, who's Pyrope? [Dave only called her Terezi before.] Anyway no, like I said, it was one of your failed relationships. And one version of you but not actually you? An orange feathery douche, apparently.

[He doesn't know much about it, but whatever.] Am I allowed to ask why there were so many or is that getting to be too much?

His shit does not count as mine past the divergence point and I know about that, Jade bitched me out about it. [ because yeah ] Pyrope is the blind crazy one.

[ dave shrugs. he's probably still clinging maybe too tight. ]

Part of it was game mechanics. Or most of it.

Wait if it doesn't count then why did she get mad about it? [His eyebrows furrow together, but he also doesn't expect a real answer.] ...Terezi? Weird.

[But he doesn't bother picking apart Dave's lovelife, kind of like he doesn't comment on the tight clinging. On the other hand he's abandoned his water bottle which probably will be a bad idea later and he's letting his hand go back to trailing up Dave's spine in a comforting gesture.]

What the fuck kind of game were we really playing? I feel like...maybe we did not know it would bring a reckoning when we started. Why would we go through with that?

Technically the game didn't really bring the reckoning. It always was already goin' to happen. And it was...it's a pain in the ass to explain but we never had to start playing, Egbert. That was an illusion of control we absolutely did not have. You used some of the lingo earlier, but it was all the story setting, wasn't it? Not mechanics.

[ the comforting gesture is weird since usually this isn't a thing people do, and dave shivers but does not complain. ]

I figure I was a stand in for yelling re Jade. Also most people don't get loops.

..."the software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway. Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has." [It's mumbled faintly, but it's the freshest memory he has right now.] I don't know. Shouty told me some things, and Nanna told me some things but I still don't get any of it.

[It's instinct, mostly. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing and he's generally affectionate when people will let him be anyway. But he makes a face.]

Dumb. All of that.

I only remember three timelines. [ all his; the overlap of the meteor events is a headache. ] And they are all chronologically mine.

[ apparently dave will let john be affectionate and he just curls closer. ]

It was our lives, even when it wasn't. And no guide that exists really covers that.

Two too many, Dave. I do not get how they can all be yours, but I have a feeling I will learn sooner or later. [So Dave doesn't have to explain. They can stay like this for a while and the world can sort of spin in front of his eyes.]

I want to think you're joking about a guide existing, but I somehow doubt it. And anyway...why can't we just create another timeline then? This one.

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