parodeity | recollé ic inbox 3.0;

Is it a no go to ask what the other reasons were? I know I was kind of banned from discussion of her anyway.

...I mean. If we are having the weird soul-baring conversation thing and all of that, I actually don't mind. Um. Talking about the reasons and also her, I guess. [...] Ayano sort of made me tell her part of the story about her anyway. It's been a weird night, dude.

[He's busy pressing his face into the mattress for a moment though, taking a few deep breaths.] ...for a while, I was debating college at all. I had a few places I applied and I actually have an online friend here that told me about the city. Non-network. Otherwise I might have known about how crazy the city is. But when my ex and I broke up and I realized that all of my friends I had in high school actually were not that important to me, I got a little stuck on if I wanted to stay and go to school in Seattle. I would have if Nanna wanted me to stay but...she kind of told me I had to do what was best for me. So here we are.

...I'm trying for biology because I want to make sure I can do something that'll make her proud. Dumb, right?

I am definitely not the person to ask about that. [ laugh track because yeah all the shit he did for bro? ] But if she's anything like the weird version of your nanna I vaguely know of I'd say probably she'd be proud of you if you were happy? And for the record if bio makes you happy or is just what you wanna do, like...yeah.

[ he pesters john about music but dave is fine with john doing anything at all as long as sometimes he plays music. or even if not that. ]

I...don't think I can soul bare in return re failed relationships unless you want something pre scratch two? Until you get certain things back, if you do. I don't...want to link those to this. Or me.

You mean the ghost version. [Flatly. Because yeah, he remembers Nannasprite and it's a little alarming to realize that.] ...I mean yes? I know you have a point in that, you're right, she'll be happy if I'm happy. I think I am still trying to figure out what makes me happy, that's all. Biology isn't it, but being able to hopefully get a good job and pay her back for everything she's done for me would.

[Music makes him happy, and he's better now, but he still shies away sometimes. It's sort of like digging into an open wound on occasion, but it's better.]

...how many scratches happened, exactly? [But there's a small huff.] I...might know a thing or two about one of your failed relationships so. Whatever you want to tell me, I don't care. If you don't want to tell me, fine. But...yeah. I get it. I've been weird. So...whatever you want to know, fire away.

I don't know if you do? [ completely baffled. ] I didn't talk about them and really it was just the one. I dated Pyrope, it didn't work out. I don't think I broke up with the other person I dated. As to how many - I guess only one specifically but the terminology works and I'd say - wait, two specifically. So at least three back home but four if you count this.

...wait, who's Pyrope? [Dave only called her Terezi before.] Anyway no, like I said, it was one of your failed relationships. And one version of you but not actually you? An orange feathery douche, apparently.

[He doesn't know much about it, but whatever.] Am I allowed to ask why there were so many or is that getting to be too much?

His shit does not count as mine past the divergence point and I know about that, Jade bitched me out about it. [ because yeah ] Pyrope is the blind crazy one.

[ dave shrugs. he's probably still clinging maybe too tight. ]

Part of it was game mechanics. Or most of it.

Wait if it doesn't count then why did she get mad about it? [His eyebrows furrow together, but he also doesn't expect a real answer.] ...Terezi? Weird.

[But he doesn't bother picking apart Dave's lovelife, kind of like he doesn't comment on the tight clinging. On the other hand he's abandoned his water bottle which probably will be a bad idea later and he's letting his hand go back to trailing up Dave's spine in a comforting gesture.]

What the fuck kind of game were we really playing? I feel like...maybe we did not know it would bring a reckoning when we started. Why would we go through with that?

Technically the game didn't really bring the reckoning. It always was already goin' to happen. And it was...it's a pain in the ass to explain but we never had to start playing, Egbert. That was an illusion of control we absolutely did not have. You used some of the lingo earlier, but it was all the story setting, wasn't it? Not mechanics.

[ the comforting gesture is weird since usually this isn't a thing people do, and dave shivers but does not complain. ]

I figure I was a stand in for yelling re Jade. Also most people don't get loops.

..."the software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway. Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has." [It's mumbled faintly, but it's the freshest memory he has right now.] I don't know. Shouty told me some things, and Nanna told me some things but I still don't get any of it.

[It's instinct, mostly. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing and he's generally affectionate when people will let him be anyway. But he makes a face.]

Dumb. All of that.

I only remember three timelines. [ all his; the overlap of the meteor events is a headache. ] And they are all chronologically mine.

[ apparently dave will let john be affectionate and he just curls closer. ]

It was our lives, even when it wasn't. And no guide that exists really covers that.

Two too many, Dave. I do not get how they can all be yours, but I have a feeling I will learn sooner or later. [So Dave doesn't have to explain. They can stay like this for a while and the world can sort of spin in front of his eyes.]

I want to think you're joking about a guide existing, but I somehow doubt it. And anyway...why can't we just create another timeline then? This one.

I don't want to give that to you. [ the guide he definitely has lmfao ] And I...

[ hm. ]

Are we baring souls still?

[There's a mumble that sounds a lot like "thank god" but that's it. After a few moments:]

If you want to, yes. I would be fine with the baring thing.

My opinion on things has changed a lot as we've gone along. At first I - I was the one who cracked and asked the network about the memories. Did you know there was a time none of us talked about them because no one warned us and no one knew? It was a game of real or not real and sometimes back then I thought it was a choice if you were or were not who you remembered. Maybe for some people that is the case. Then I thought maybe I could be both and just hold on to the parts that mattered most. But I haven't always been able to balance things. I know how I've changed and why and it's not a thing I can do in reverse. What I want -

[ loaded question always. ]

I don't want to make people remember certain things. I don't want to be part of that. I don't want to tell people things I don't want to share. I didn't want to tell my brother any of it but you know, he tried to cut off his head? Or simulated it. When I wouldn't explain. And he promised not to tell anyone else the shit I told him and that was chill until it wasn't and I guess mostly I haven't had time to try to make a new timeline when I'm stuck in the old one sometimes.

It's easier with no one bugging me to tell them shit and always being half a second away from something else even if the reason that's a thing is because so many people forgot.

[...that is so much. It's so much and for a minute he doesn't reply at all. All he does is lay beside him quietly, keeping his grip firm and sort of bracketing Dave in with his arms, hand going nearly still on his back.

It makes sense, sort of. He knows he wants to know so much, would share if someone asked, but given the fact that Dave is Dave and knowing what he knows about their universe, maybe it makes sense. And anyway, what right did he have to demand answers about anything from anyone? He wants answers, but there are other ways to get them.

He doesn't understand Dave Strider all the time and sometimes he barely understands the darker, harder parts. He knows that something like this could break a person but remembering so many timelines...how many times did Dave watch the world fracture and rebuild and lives start from ground zero?

Maybe it's overdramatic to think. His thoughts are slow and so is his breathing, but he somehow pulls him closer.]

Seven months...is a very long time. Nearly eight now, actually. [To deal with this, he means. He knows Dave's been network since February.] People do really crazy things when they want to know, but I promise not to try and cut off my own head. Or anyone's head?

Fuck, that's not what I wanted to say. That's not really the point. It's just...I want to be the person I was then and I can be the person I am here. I know there are things about me that are going to change, too, but I know those are going to be because of me. I want it to be because of me. Not because someone told me about something. I want to make my own choices since people have made a lot of choices for me.

...I already told you I will not make you tell me things you don't want to. And I want to ask you so much but I know that isn't fair. You've caused me to remember a lot, but...I don't know. Has the reverse even happened? ["Or are you tapped out already?"]

I don't flinch or pause when I remember shit these days.

[ so yes, john has made him remember some things. dave is fine with being pulled closer and holding on to someone for once but it's dark and john pulled him down and hasn't let go and he can let himself cling in those circumstances. and he wonders if there are any good changes to him or changes at all. remnants of the person he was here mixing with dave strider, knight of time.

he used to touch people more, and smile, and laugh. it's weird to be doing that less, but it would be weird to be doing it more. ]

I notice I do the pause thing way more than I should. I cannot decide if it is a good or a bad thing to get used to. [Yeah good luck, Dave. John will eventually let go when he falls asleep probably or if he gets a sense that Dave is fine but. Clinging is usually a sign one is not fine.]

I got stuff back in a dream before, too.

Is that what happened at the birthday party? I thought I upset you.

[ dave will let go

Someday... ]

The dream thing happens sometimes. It sucks.

If I was actually mad at you I think I would actually tell you. But yeah. I remembered something at the party and it was sort of weird but I guess past me also had a fondness for suits for some reason.

But the dream thing was okay. It's...where Showtime came from.

Oh. [ to both parts? like his first dream memory was getting shot up so. also: ].

I'm afraid of fucking this up. [ that part is whispered. ]

[Oh. That's. Scary too, isn't it?]

...what makes you think that you might?

...I have not had a great track record the past few months?

Hey, cool, me too. [The tone's light to tease him a little, but the grip tightens nevertheless.]

...a lot of things have fucked me up long before I came here. I think you are probably safe.

[ how are they not breaking bones yet ]

You're too important to add to my track record?

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject