parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[ ??? ]

I'd pretty much spend every second with you if you wanted?

[ wAIT SHIT like that's true, even if rose could get the same exact response, but jesus dial it down strider ]

Uh. 80%? 70%. [ of his time. now he's going to try to nail down a less stupid percentage kill him before he kills himself ]

[That was sappy but Dirk mostly feels like it can't possibly be true because he's him. Instead, he points out the logical flaws.]

What about Rose? And the Magister. Trousersnake, Wiz, the entire Kharaa dudes. Probably Squarewave now, you love my rapbot to an unexpected degree.

Well. Some of it would have to be mediated by virtue of other people existing. But I like the world slightly better when you're around. My time is very rarely not yours to take and that's just when I set down plans with other people in stone.

Okay. [Okay. So. He feels that way about him. So.] This is one of those situations where you're describing how I feel about you, but my brain rejects the basic idea of you feeling the same way about me.

I literally followed you around like a puppy the first few months. [ do you remember wiz being born dirk. do you remember dave just trailing in and kind of making himself at home and hanging around even though he was mostly useless. ]

I thought you were bored. [Not. Being clingy?] And also that eventually you'd get sick of being near me. If you're curious and haven't worked it out, that assumption that you'd be sick of having my presence around is behind my general hesitance to seek you out when you are not seeking me out.

I try to overcome that, but yeah.

When you don't I assume...what you would assume, I guess.

[ congrats ]

Not for the first or last time, I reflect on how goddamned stupid we are for reasonably intelligent people.

Hey, I should get cut a little slack there.

[ like historically speaking dirk strider has not wanted to spend time with dave strider???? in. dave's history at least. the wry comment catches up to dave after a second, though, and he immediately tries to backtrack like he does sometimes when referencing the past. ]

I mean - not that it's your fault, shit, I -

[Dirk puts his hand on top of Dave's forehead.]

It's okay. You have a point. It's why I'm workin' on the thing where I let my total distaste for my own company prevent me from reachin' out to you.

I like your company. [ it feels like a weak protest, just repeating himself, but dave makes it anyway. ] So, I dunno. Shove the vegetables you don't wanna eat off onto my plate?

Did you just call me asparagus, bro? [The hand on Dave's forehead performs an expert sibling hair ruffle.] I'm learnin' how.

[ dave catches dirk's hand in his own. ]

You've been textin' me more a little bit.

[Ok then, apparently it's hand-holding time.]

Yeah. Part of Operation: Stop Being A Cowardly Douchebag.

[ dave will do the thumb over knuckles thing absently on the grounds he found it soothing in reverse? ]

I'm not 100% sure you realize how much my preferred volume of textin' is with anyone, let alone you?

[It is soothing. Good call.]

I am a reasonable amount sure I don't realize it, and the only real uncertainty is the part of me that keeps insisting you don't want me around at all. So the part we both agreed is stupid despite its continued existence, in a demonstration that survival of the fittest does not imply the most intelligent.

As I've mentioned, I find your text reassuring. I'm trying to internalize the idea that the reverse is also likely true.

I feel like you could just assume I'll want whatever you would want and go from there. [ like. pot kettle but. dave doesn't stop the motion of his thumb as he continues speaking, quiet. his eyes are shut in the dark. ] Last time we talked about texts you said you were holdin' back.

I was, yeah. Now I'm... in the process of holdin' back less. I wouldn't call it a mission accomplished. The entire process is likely takin' way more time than it should, and I don't really have any excuses for that except that bravery of a certain kind isn't a quality I managed to cultivate. Most gestures of this kind are acted out on the basis of sheer terror.

But I like to think I'm doing a little better than last time we spoke. [There's the suggestion of a lift towards the end: confirm improvement? He's trying. At least the little gesture Dave is doing is helping him stay calm.]

You text me more? [ an uncertain question for an uncertain question. he keeps talking after a second, the mindless gesture helping him focus. ]I think it's a thing we both suck at sometimes. I've never been, uh, great about not texting people a ton but - things like. Asking you to pick the bottom bunk when [ nightmares or ] whatever instead of making you say yes without asking.

Yeah. [He likes that. He likes knowing when he's needed.] It helps with regard to my historical concern that I am a goddamned overbearin' piece of shit to deal with. So thanks. The flipside, I think, is that I can't make you do all the work. I think I owe it to you to answer your efforts with my own now that it's fairly clear we're both equally disastrous about this kind of thing.

Was it not always clear to you we fuckin' sucked at the game known as life? That's almost shockingly naive, actually. Pinch-your-cheeks adorably dumb.

I'm well-known for my charming innocence.

I'm not sure most of us were ever innocent.

We were definitely innocent little ectobabies. All crawlin' around a secret lab, puttin' flintlock pistols in our mouths like soothers. Or at least I assume at least some of us did that, based on what Jake said about how his Grandma found him. I personally don't understand why you got the pony.

[ a shrug, as dave drops the topic of innocence in favor of dirk's deflection. ]

Doubt John gave it much thought aside from givin' out rabbits.

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