parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[It is soothing. Good call.]

I am a reasonable amount sure I don't realize it, and the only real uncertainty is the part of me that keeps insisting you don't want me around at all. So the part we both agreed is stupid despite its continued existence, in a demonstration that survival of the fittest does not imply the most intelligent.

As I've mentioned, I find your text reassuring. I'm trying to internalize the idea that the reverse is also likely true.

I feel like you could just assume I'll want whatever you would want and go from there. [ like. pot kettle but. dave doesn't stop the motion of his thumb as he continues speaking, quiet. his eyes are shut in the dark. ] Last time we talked about texts you said you were holdin' back.

I was, yeah. Now I'm... in the process of holdin' back less. I wouldn't call it a mission accomplished. The entire process is likely takin' way more time than it should, and I don't really have any excuses for that except that bravery of a certain kind isn't a quality I managed to cultivate. Most gestures of this kind are acted out on the basis of sheer terror.

But I like to think I'm doing a little better than last time we spoke. [There's the suggestion of a lift towards the end: confirm improvement? He's trying. At least the little gesture Dave is doing is helping him stay calm.]

You text me more? [ an uncertain question for an uncertain question. he keeps talking after a second, the mindless gesture helping him focus. ]I think it's a thing we both suck at sometimes. I've never been, uh, great about not texting people a ton but - things like. Asking you to pick the bottom bunk when [ nightmares or ] whatever instead of making you say yes without asking.

Yeah. [He likes that. He likes knowing when he's needed.] It helps with regard to my historical concern that I am a goddamned overbearin' piece of shit to deal with. So thanks. The flipside, I think, is that I can't make you do all the work. I think I owe it to you to answer your efforts with my own now that it's fairly clear we're both equally disastrous about this kind of thing.

Was it not always clear to you we fuckin' sucked at the game known as life? That's almost shockingly naive, actually. Pinch-your-cheeks adorably dumb.

I'm well-known for my charming innocence.

I'm not sure most of us were ever innocent.

We were definitely innocent little ectobabies. All crawlin' around a secret lab, puttin' flintlock pistols in our mouths like soothers. Or at least I assume at least some of us did that, based on what Jake said about how his Grandma found him. I personally don't understand why you got the pony.

[ a shrug, as dave drops the topic of innocence in favor of dirk's deflection. ]

Doubt John gave it much thought aside from givin' out rabbits.

[That, actually, is what brings Dirk back to innocence. It's a dodge of confirmation.]

You weren't crawlin' around bathed in original sin or anythin'. Even I wasn't, I assume.

Would it make your nitpicky ass feel better if I change it up to "I don't remember ever beint that innocent".

Not especially, dude. What are we even definin' as innocence?

Assumin' the world was an okay place, I guess?

Okay, I'll buy that. In that case, I don't really remember being innocent myself.

Mostly I remember seagulls.

Trainin'.

[ for what he mostly remembers. it is impossible to recall a time before that, when his earliest memory is pretty much "get thrown off roof, rinse and repeat. ]

I'd rather you had my seagulls.

[And not the training. Dirk would willingly have traded places, and knows full well Dave wouldn't let him.]

You really wouldn't if you follow that thought to its logical conclusion.

[ and also dave wouldn't let him. ]

You said you found being alone relaxin'.

[It's hard, and maybe it would have fucked up Dave. But Dirk is pretty sure he got it easy compared to what Dave suffered, and he would gladly step in and take the cuts and bruises. What's the big deal? Dirk always trained himself with brutality anyway. This way, it would just be more effective.]

Sure. And how the fuck do you think we'd get on if he'd raised you?

[There's a pause. An open mouth. A shut on.]

Right.

[Dirk would have been more awful than he already is. He would have been a monster.]

I think, [ dave says very quiet ] he would have fucked a lot of you over in ways that're worse than how it went with me. So I'll take what I got. Besides. You wouldn't be you if you had a different situation, even if it weren't that one.

[Dirk says nothing, for a moment.

Then, quietly,]

You might not be happy with me for this. Maybe I shouldn't say it. I decided to mostly because I think I'm supposed to articulate these things a little more.

It occurred to me, maybe, if he didn't raise you, then you could maybe have been happy without me.

I don't think so. There's no way to know but that doesn't feel right.

[ he's not angry although it's one of those trains of thought he categorizes as useless, like wanting anything more than what is willingly given without asking. ]

I probably would have just found new and exciting ways to be a disaster in. And I...prefer none of the rest of you got to go through my particular brand of bullshit. None of you deserved that.

You didn't deserve it.

[Quiet again but also insistent. He can't let it be unsaid.]

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