parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[Dirk says nothing, for a moment.

Then, quietly,]

You might not be happy with me for this. Maybe I shouldn't say it. I decided to mostly because I think I'm supposed to articulate these things a little more.

It occurred to me, maybe, if he didn't raise you, then you could maybe have been happy without me.

I don't think so. There's no way to know but that doesn't feel right.

[ he's not angry although it's one of those trains of thought he categorizes as useless, like wanting anything more than what is willingly given without asking. ]

I probably would have just found new and exciting ways to be a disaster in. And I...prefer none of the rest of you got to go through my particular brand of bullshit. None of you deserved that.

You didn't deserve it.

[Quiet again but also insistent. He can't let it be unsaid.]

[ on good days he agrees with that assertation. on bad days he doesn't. today is somewhere nearer the former, although dave wonders all the same. ]

I survived it, though. So. There's that?

That is somethin' I'm grateful for.

[Although he wonders if other timelines did not allow that. If there are worlds where Dave died, and Paradox Space, unwilling to accept that outcome, struck those defunct realities from its network of allowable possibilities.

For once, he could agree with Paradox Space.]

I guess this all adds up to thanks for being my brother.

Thanks for lettin' me.

[ because that had never been a guarantee. he spent three years simply assuming the person on the other side of the universe would be bro 2.0 and things would slide back to how they always had been and at least Rose had seemed excited and never looked too hard at the part where dave wasn't.

it was never a guarantee because neither of them were from the same time and it was a choice more than a forgone conclusion and at least most days dave thinks he prefers it that way even if other days the part where it's a choice is terrifying. ]

You get philosophically sappy when you won't sleep.

Nah, dude. I am in a constant state of pretentious sentimentality. You just get an extra dosage of it right now.

[He closes his eyes, still resting on Dave. He hasn't pulled his hand away, either.]

This is your last chance to protest my decision to take a nap right here.

Dirk, it's nighttime and we're literally here to go to sleep. Kinda past the point where you can pretend it's a nap, even if neither of us can sleep that many hours in a row?

[ the protest is apparently occurring but it is just about dirk's choice in terminology? ]

Although sometimes I vaguely think we're gettin' betterish.

The time of day doesn't dictate what I can or can't pretend. That's the power of my imagination, Dave.

[The reply is also ridiculous. And mildly mumbled since he's going into koala baby mode on Dave.]

If nothing else, there's some kind of merit in closin' our eyes and being quiet for a set period of time daily.

Is the merit not bein' tired and runnin' on fumes?

[ he tends to prefer sleeping curled on his side. dave doesn't shift to dislodge dirk and rearrange himself, though. ]

Because I'm pretty sure that's the supposed goal of a functional sleep schedule. Maybe we'll lock into one before we've been here for two years.

Jesus. [It's whispered quietly as the weight of the words hits him. Two years. This is the end of their first year and that doesn't seem impossible, but two. If they make it to two without finding their way home—without Jane? One year without Jane has been crazy enough. They'd be eighteen. Would Jane be sixteen fresh?

It's good Dave didn't try to dislodge Dirk because Dirk just clings to him harder. Dave can't disappear on him. And he is too grateful that Dave is here.]

[ oh. right. that was his bad and it's been longer than a year for dave with all the loops and - ]

I never forget how long it's been. But I do forget sometimes all of you do. Sorry?

[ he still doesn't shift to make himself more comfortable, simply accommodating dirk clinging to him rather than making any attempt to bring sleep closer as an idea. it isn't like he hasn't slept on stone before, which was worse than this. ]

It's cool, my fault for not takin' that perspective in. [He turns his face into Dave because that's reasonable.] I was only thinkin' about it as one year since we met.

That's a valid perspective. [ it isn't quite true from dave's way of looking at things except in the way it is. there are too many different ways of counting the time. dave doesn't move still, laying perfectly calm and quiet with only a subtle tension suggesting he's doing it deliberately. ] Like I said once, I'm probably not the best person to get an opinion from on what you're probably worryin' about. We spent three years apart.

[ more if you counted looping. ]

Do you not want to talk about it with me?

[He lets go of Dave to give him space, shifting up onto his elbows so Dave can move to get away from him if he needs to.]

How do you mean?

[ okay, dirk shifted away so dave will. roll over onto his side facing dirk, a very slight frown forming as he tries to figure out if he messed up. ]

It's not like it's a thing I mind discussin'. But I've weathered this before and I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask about it, like last time you brought it up. John's disappeared before, even.

I guess I'm asking if you don't think you're the best person because you think you wouldn't be helpful, or if you don't think you're the best person because you don't want to talk about it. Generally speaking, if I back off, it means I've assumed the latter.

[Otherwise Dirk would try anyway. But Dave says those things and it seems to be a way to make the conversation stop. So Dirk obliges.]

I...doubt I'd be helpful. [ he hasn't considered which option it would be. mostly he thinks it says probably unfortunate things about him that he's capable of handling being apart from his friends for long periods of time. ] I'm not sure how well I can empathize?

I don't know if an inability to empathize with someone else's feelings is necessarily a disqualifying factor for talkin' to them. [A beat, and then quickly:] I'm not pushin' you on this. My concern is that you're disqualifying yourself automatically because of how you think of yourself. My other concern is that you're disqualifying yourself because it's something you don't like discussing.

I don't know how I feel about it. [ which is honest. he genuinely has no idea. there's maybe some discomfort at the idea it's just another way in which he is broken, but he doesn't Know for sure how he feels. ]

Okay. [Dirk leans over. There's a kiss on the cheek. Deal with it, Dave. Then he's lying back down so Dave better be comfortable as the koala returns to its natural habitat]

I love you.

[ he's on his side so it's better now? there is very specifically no tension in his posture which. either means he's relaxed or forcing it, there is no inbetween. ]

Love you too. [ at least he's never confused about how he feels bout that. ]

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