i mean i get it? considering every other hallucinomemory ive had the puppet shit is pretty lowkey any reaction of "wow life sure does happen" where those like acid rainbow trips can occur and also crocodiles and soup i get it im pretty sure i must have been done with the world
letting shit happen? kinda does that count as being suicidal do you think i dont think that was exactly it but i gotta say it wasnt hm actually probably the healthiest mindset i remember feeling was like when we were drugged out on sugar honestly
Say Yes to Drugs. I don't know if it counts as suicidal in an active way, despite the actual death involved. But it isn't exactly not suicidal. The sugar thing did have the advantage of being Rose's wedding to a weird grey person. It is probably the best I remember feeling too.
it felt it feels really easy to understand that mindset or feel it creep in a little bit when i think of that shit im thinking that maybe thats a bad thing
well thats why im telling you now in case i dont want to later because i think while its true i didnt tell rose and jade about the whole death memory dealio because they might have remembered something its also true i dont think that was the entire reason but im not sure and it worries me
i mean for the record im fine its just a thing that is steadily becoming mildly concerning as it continues to be a thing in every hallucinomemory but one
i mean jade sure didnt fucking know she was gonna kill me but i sure did
im not sure what it says about me that im pretty sure i agree with that choice? and im not sure if im agreeing with it because i agree with it or because i agreed with it in the hallucinomemory and feel like its true now which is weird and fucked up but whatever
Not to intellectualize, although that was basically inevitable, but that's sort of something I've been wondering about since we started facing the possibility that they're at least to some degree memories. We are, but also are not, what we're remembering. Will we retain primacy? Or will we be superseded by these hallucinomemory versions of ourselves? Or, will some amalgamation form? And is there actually any way for us to choose?
i dont know when they happen they feel so real and right i guess maybe it depends on the sort of person you are and the sort of person you were if we stop dancing around the topic and call them something approaching real memories
There's that. Whenever we talk about this, it feels a little like there's some context or frame of reference I'm supposed to have on it and I just can't get at it. Question, then. If that feels real, does this? Recolle, me, Rox, Rose. Mom and Dad and Jade. Your teachers and friends. Does one feel more real?
the thing is i dont know theres more to this but i dont think the weight tips the scales exactly im not sure how i feel i do know that i would never choose to give any of you up
I'd never give you up either. I'm not sure about what it is we're remembering, but I like the way I feel on this side of it a hell lot a lot better. You said 'choose.' Are you worried it won't be a choice?
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like
i imagine i would have felt different emotionally had i been kidnapped
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[ he sends that alone to let dirk know he's thinking about it and hasn't passed out on him or anything.
how to describe it? ]
unsurprised
weirded out but unsurprised
kind of tired
resigned?
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Not to overstate the obvious.
But that's kinda fucked up.
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considering every other hallucinomemory ive had
the puppet shit is pretty lowkey
any reaction of "wow life sure does happen"
where those like
acid rainbow trips can occur
and also crocodiles and soup
i get it
im pretty sure i must have been done with the world
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"Life sure does happen," and the resignation. Not so much the rest of it.
Second one not as much.
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see
i actually had that resigned feeling when i remembered dying
only on maybe
a grander scale?
i knew it was going to happen
and i let it
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kinda
does that count as being suicidal do you think
i dont think that was exactly it
but i gotta say it wasnt
hm
actually probably the healthiest mindset i remember feeling
was like
when we were drugged out on sugar
honestly
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I don't know if it counts as suicidal in an active way, despite the actual death involved. But it isn't exactly not suicidal.
The sugar thing did have the advantage of being Rose's wedding to a weird grey person.
It is probably the best I remember feeling too.
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Not that I can't take a guess about all the worrying elements involved here.
But hit me with the specifics, baby bro.
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it feels
really easy
to understand that mindset
or feel it creep in a little bit
when i think of that shit
im thinking that maybe thats a bad thing
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Is really fucking worrying.
In a really big way.
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thats why im telling you now
in case i dont want to later
because i think
while its true i didnt tell rose and jade about the whole
death memory dealio
because they might have remembered something
its also true i dont think that was the entire reason
but im not sure
and it worries me
i mean for the record im fine
its just a thing that is steadily becoming mildly concerning
as it continues to be a thing in every hallucinomemory but one
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Not sure how to put this.
Was one that didn't want to tell people things?
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jade sure didnt fucking know she was gonna kill me
but i sure did
im not sure what it says about me that im pretty sure i agree with that choice?
and im not sure if im agreeing with it because i agree with it
or because i agreed with it in the hallucinomemory
and feel like its true now
which is weird and fucked up but whatever
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We are, but also are not, what we're remembering.
Will we retain primacy? Or will we be superseded by these hallucinomemory versions of ourselves? Or, will some amalgamation form?
And is there actually any way for us to choose?
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when they happen they feel so real and
right
i guess
maybe it depends on the sort of person you are
and
the sort of person you were
if we stop dancing around the topic and call them something approaching real memories
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Whenever we talk about this, it feels a little like there's some context or frame of reference I'm supposed to have on it and I just can't get at it.
Question, then.
If that feels real, does this? Recolle, me, Rox, Rose. Mom and Dad and Jade. Your teachers and friends.
Does one feel more real?
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theres more to this
but i dont think the weight tips the scales exactly
im not sure how i feel
i do know that i would never choose to give any of you up
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I'm not sure about what it is we're remembering, but I like the way I feel on this side of it a hell lot a lot better.
You said 'choose.' Are you worried it won't be a choice?
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but im counting on you to make it one if it comes to that
same way id beat you up if you forgot
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Maybe sit on you until you give in.
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dont let any more space than whats normal drift in i guess
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