You were also less drunk than I was. [That's a really poor excuse and he knows that.] And...I don't know! It just seemed like a good idea and you were my roommate and it kind of made sense. That's all.
I will definitely take away your driving privileges? [But there's a light blush. Shut up, Dave!!] You had already proven yourself so it was fine by then.
That is like literally the definition of a crush. [ HE DOES, THANKS. he doesn't even necessarily think john had a crush, he just enjoys john being flustered... ]
How is letting someone drive my car literally the definition of a crush? [Given that drunk John admitted he was attracted to Dave when they first met despite refusing to use the word attracted this is probably correct.] Ugh whatever can we just go already? You can gloat later.
[ like he'll lock the house door and unlock the car, but then he just leans on the top of the car, one arm over it, the other draped over the open driver's door. ]
...You also dragged me into bed with you the second you got drunk? [ he's not sure how far he can go with teasing so why not
Okay, well, there is a good explanation for that. [End him. He's mirroring the motion even with his hand on the door instead of having his whole arm over it, eyeing Dave skeptically.]
...the explanation was that I wanted to be as close as possible because I thought I was breaking you and I didn't know how to make it better with words. [Which is about all he says before he gets into the car.]
[ and suddenly the teasing isn't so fun. there's a spike of anxiety and a stupid immediate thought of is this another way of making things better? but that's...stupid. don't think about it, strider.
dave slides into the car and shuts the door and pretends his emotions aren't being broadcast still. ]
[He doesn't say anything but he waits for Dave to get in the car while he thinks that over.
"But how many things do you have to have 'good explanations' for from back then?"
Is it justification for past behavior, or is it just explaining things in a way he doesn't know how to explain? Even now he doesn't know what part he should be explaining and he's wondering if saying something like that negated their earlier conversation.
It's not a thing he wants either, given. They've made progress and they're wasting time and he's aware that there's really only one explanation at this point so maybe it's irrelevant.
So like. Instead of bothering with the radio he just eyes Dave's hands before he's ever-so-casually flipping the parking break up so the car can't move and twisting in his seat to kiss him instead. So okay. Still no explanation, but sure.]
[ john, what the fuck. there's a question on the tip of his tongue when john flips the parking brake and dave turns to ask it, almost frowning, but like.
okay.
he's eighteen and in his first year of college and it's not so terribly far off from high school that it feels weird to be parked in front of his parents' house kissing his boyfriend. because after the split second of disorientation dave kisses john back, right hand sliding off the steering wheel and bracing instead against john's shoulder. ]
[Cool. Now what, idiot? He hadn't really planned too far ahead and he tilts his head enough to kiss him anyway. It's far easier to do this than to try and explain his way through things and yeah, maybe this is inappropriate to be doing in front of Dave's parents' house but whateverrrr. Whatever! The whole thing is a big ball of whatever and as such he really just kind of wants to settle in Dave's lap again and call it good but logistics are hard.
So instead, he's breathing through his nose and refuses to pull his mouth off of Dave's, biting Dave's lip anyway while leaning forward and strongly debating moving anyway. Stopping should maybe be a thing but nah.]
[ john this is so completely a stop gap and explaining might have worked out better in the long run but okay? dave's like, in no way protesting this. it's an awkward angle and dave gasps out a quiet huff of air when john bite his lip, lips parting, and lets his hand slide up into john's hair.
maybe it doesn't answer anything, but this is real. john's real. and dave's willing to take whatever john is willing to give him.
if a crush feels like squeezing into last year's dress, being in love feels something like the weight of the world pressing down on your shoulders while your stomach feels like it might float away on butterflies. conflict that's hard to resolve, a giddy bittersweet acceptance that you have zero control and it's a house of cards someone else is building with you.
a heart so full it's fit to burst, a sharp pain as it waits to do so. ]
[Why explain when you can just make out and hope your point gets across? This is what happens when you're 18 and you're in love and you have no way of really expressing what you're trying to say so actions are the thing you revert to, and he's aware his back's twisted and they should maybe do this somewhere else but with Dave's hand in his hair it's hard to think about that. It's hard to think about anything beyond Dave smelling like apples and the compact space of Casey's front seat and the jittery feeling in the pit of his stomach while he thinks of what he's doing.
Eventually though...eventually he stops and pulls back.]
I don't want you to think I'm trying to justify stuff when I say things like that. Because I'm not. It just is.
[ it's probably impossible to see that his eyes stay shut behind his shades for a few seconds after john pulls back. it's more obvious that it takes a second to drop his hand, pulling it back to his side of the car as he bites his lip, just...listening. maybe he does think john is trying to justify things but he doesn't really want to bother john with that. he's been weird enough for one day. one year? ]
[It's impossible, yeah. John's holding his breath a little and waiting for what Dave will say, but when he says it's chill he just...kind of slumps in his seat.]
I...guess. [It felt a little different than teasing, but he won't rock the boat.] I love you. And I just kind of want to make sure that part is understood.
[ being dave strider means living in a constant state of surety that you've fucked something up. there's a barely there aborted gesture to reach out, before he disengages the parking break instead, starting the car and clearing himself to back out. ]
In what way? [ that's a weird way to word it, but in the context... ] Yes? I mean. Dude, like. [ ugh ] You make me happy. Generally speaking, as a rule. So yeah, we're okay.
That's all that matters to me. Like above everything else. [Yes it's weird but he's just kind of a mess at the moment.] Home and dinner and bed. In that order.
Yes. ...I am going to continue being kind of nervous for a while about some things, but that's normal. And I'm happiest with you. And I can't think of anyone else I'd be happier with. So. Yes.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
[ he's five. ]
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
...You also dragged me into bed with you the second you got drunk? [ he's not sure how far he can go with teasing so why not
just all the way. ]
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
dave slides into the car and shuts the door and pretends his emotions aren't being broadcast still. ]
You can control the radio on the way back.
no subject
"But how many things do you have to have 'good explanations' for from back then?"
Is it justification for past behavior, or is it just explaining things in a way he doesn't know how to explain? Even now he doesn't know what part he should be explaining and he's wondering if saying something like that negated their earlier conversation.
It's not a thing he wants either, given. They've made progress and they're wasting time and he's aware that there's really only one explanation at this point so maybe it's irrelevant.
So like. Instead of bothering with the radio he just eyes Dave's hands before he's ever-so-casually flipping the parking break up so the car can't move and twisting in his seat to kiss him instead. So okay. Still no explanation, but sure.]
no subject
okay.
he's eighteen and in his first year of college and it's not so terribly far off from high school that it feels weird to be parked in front of his parents' house kissing his boyfriend. because after the split second of disorientation dave kisses john back, right hand sliding off the steering wheel and bracing instead against john's shoulder. ]
no subject
So instead, he's breathing through his nose and refuses to pull his mouth off of Dave's, biting Dave's lip anyway while leaning forward and strongly debating moving anyway. Stopping should maybe be a thing but nah.]
no subject
maybe it doesn't answer anything, but this is real. john's real. and dave's willing to take whatever john is willing to give him.
if a crush feels like squeezing into last year's dress, being in love feels something like the weight of the world pressing down on your shoulders while your stomach feels like it might float away on butterflies. conflict that's hard to resolve, a giddy bittersweet acceptance that you have zero control and it's a house of cards someone else is building with you.
a heart so full it's fit to burst, a sharp pain as it waits to do so. ]
no subject
Eventually though...eventually he stops and pulls back.]
I don't want you to think I'm trying to justify stuff when I say things like that. Because I'm not. It just is.
no subject
It's chill, John. We're good. I was just teasin'.
no subject
I...guess. [It felt a little different than teasing, but he won't rock the boat.] I love you. And I just kind of want to make sure that part is understood.
no subject
I love you, too. That part is understood, yeah?
no subject
Yes. Absolutely understood. We're doing pretty okay for ourselves, aren't we?
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)