[ john this is so completely a stop gap and explaining might have worked out better in the long run but okay? dave's like, in no way protesting this. it's an awkward angle and dave gasps out a quiet huff of air when john bite his lip, lips parting, and lets his hand slide up into john's hair.
maybe it doesn't answer anything, but this is real. john's real. and dave's willing to take whatever john is willing to give him.
if a crush feels like squeezing into last year's dress, being in love feels something like the weight of the world pressing down on your shoulders while your stomach feels like it might float away on butterflies. conflict that's hard to resolve, a giddy bittersweet acceptance that you have zero control and it's a house of cards someone else is building with you.
a heart so full it's fit to burst, a sharp pain as it waits to do so. ]
[Why explain when you can just make out and hope your point gets across? This is what happens when you're 18 and you're in love and you have no way of really expressing what you're trying to say so actions are the thing you revert to, and he's aware his back's twisted and they should maybe do this somewhere else but with Dave's hand in his hair it's hard to think about that. It's hard to think about anything beyond Dave smelling like apples and the compact space of Casey's front seat and the jittery feeling in the pit of his stomach while he thinks of what he's doing.
Eventually though...eventually he stops and pulls back.]
I don't want you to think I'm trying to justify stuff when I say things like that. Because I'm not. It just is.
[ it's probably impossible to see that his eyes stay shut behind his shades for a few seconds after john pulls back. it's more obvious that it takes a second to drop his hand, pulling it back to his side of the car as he bites his lip, just...listening. maybe he does think john is trying to justify things but he doesn't really want to bother john with that. he's been weird enough for one day. one year? ]
[It's impossible, yeah. John's holding his breath a little and waiting for what Dave will say, but when he says it's chill he just...kind of slumps in his seat.]
I...guess. [It felt a little different than teasing, but he won't rock the boat.] I love you. And I just kind of want to make sure that part is understood.
[ being dave strider means living in a constant state of surety that you've fucked something up. there's a barely there aborted gesture to reach out, before he disengages the parking break instead, starting the car and clearing himself to back out. ]
In what way? [ that's a weird way to word it, but in the context... ] Yes? I mean. Dude, like. [ ugh ] You make me happy. Generally speaking, as a rule. So yeah, we're okay.
That's all that matters to me. Like above everything else. [Yes it's weird but he's just kind of a mess at the moment.] Home and dinner and bed. In that order.
Yes. ...I am going to continue being kind of nervous for a while about some things, but that's normal. And I'm happiest with you. And I can't think of anyone else I'd be happier with. So. Yes.
Probably? I mean, everyone has their baggage, dude. Yours is about... [ he gestures at himself vaguely. ] And also about people leaving. Mine is...about other things. It'd be stupid for either of us to expect the other person to snap their fingers and make it stop. It's just...something you worry about, I guess, because you know it ain't that easy?
[ he's driving them home so. la di dah. ]
But I've never believed anything worth havin' was easy anyway.
Yeah...I know. As much as I would love to take away everything that worries you I know realistically that is not a thing that can happen. And it's not a thing you can do for me. But we can work on it.
[He's still watching Dave from his seat.]
Isn't that why people fight for the things they love?
Fightin' for shit you love. Like this. [ he doesn't look over because, like, driving, but he's pulling into the dormitory parking lot probably. ] Is it really any less new to you?
...I haven't bothered to this extent, no. Mostly because I tried once and it didn't matter, people were just gone, and the other time I should have I didn't care as much as I should have. You're something I want to keep.
[ he can't pinpoint which times john means. the first might be when they all died (but he fixed it, except he didn't really, john erased who they had been and that's what it is) or it might be john's dad. he's not sure about the second. ]
If you didn't care, maybe you shouldn't have. [ a shrug as he parks. ] ...You're somethin' I want to keep, too. In whatever capacity I can.
[He doesn't bother elaborating on that. The first was his father in this lifetime and when things changed in the other lifetime, a beat too late to save everybody, and the second is Vic in this lifetime and Vriska in the other. Which is also weird, considering.]
...I mean. I am pretty willing to give you everything. I decided that a while ago. I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Well, like. [ he snorts. ] I don't do this, John. If you were anyone else, I would've bolted like, five separate times already. But you're you, and I love you somethin' stupid, and I want to try to...not hit flight always. Because I don't actually want to run away from you even when I want to run.
I know. Dude, trust me, I know...you would have run already if we weren't us. Sometimes you still kind of run even when you are not physically going anywhere. But it's okay. I don't mind backing off when you need that space and I'm just kind of happy you're trying. That means a lot.
...Yeah. I ran without runnin' back at the start of the year, with Jade. I guess that is what you would call it? When you're around someone but you just back off and don't engage because you forget how to.
[ but he'd also been juggling remembering dying and not being used to it, and remembering killing and not being used to that - ]
You know, it's not just gettin' shit back. Like. I was, before all of this, a little more open, I guess? But not really...open. Like, it's not like I told everyone everything. But I used to think there wasn't a problem in the world my older siblings couldn't fix for me, or with me, and it felt like...security. I think it's how you felt about your dad, when we were kids together. That safety net you never thought about, because it was intrinsic.
[ a shrug. ]
But then suddenly it wasn't, because there are bigger problems in the universe than three people.
I think that would be the case, yes. But at the beginning of last year was when the app showed up, right? You and Jade were different people.
[There's a pause though.] ...is that why it's so important that home feels safe? [He remembers that conversation, about their dorm and about John feeling like safety and it's bothered him on and off since then since he has become aware enough that Dave doesn't tell him everything.]
We were and we weren't. Even before either of us remembered me riddled with bullets, there were...things. [ whatever that means. he shrugs in response to the question, slouching back in the seat. ] And...maybe? There were people I was almost okay around but not quite. I didn't want them to know...things you already do.
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maybe it doesn't answer anything, but this is real. john's real. and dave's willing to take whatever john is willing to give him.
if a crush feels like squeezing into last year's dress, being in love feels something like the weight of the world pressing down on your shoulders while your stomach feels like it might float away on butterflies. conflict that's hard to resolve, a giddy bittersweet acceptance that you have zero control and it's a house of cards someone else is building with you.
a heart so full it's fit to burst, a sharp pain as it waits to do so. ]
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Eventually though...eventually he stops and pulls back.]
I don't want you to think I'm trying to justify stuff when I say things like that. Because I'm not. It just is.
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It's chill, John. We're good. I was just teasin'.
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I...guess. [It felt a little different than teasing, but he won't rock the boat.] I love you. And I just kind of want to make sure that part is understood.
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I love you, too. That part is understood, yeah?
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Yes. Absolutely understood. We're doing pretty okay for ourselves, aren't we?
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[ he's driving them home so. la di dah. ]
But I've never believed anything worth havin' was easy anyway.
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[He's still watching Dave from his seat.]
Isn't that why people fight for the things they love?
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[ trying to throw his life away in place of rose's or jade's? check. trying to cut himself off in order to spare someone else the pain? always check.
but actually actively trying to (badly) work through things?
that's kind of new territory. ]
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abruptly: ]
Is it any less new to you?
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If you didn't care, maybe you shouldn't have. [ a shrug as he parks. ] ...You're somethin' I want to keep, too. In whatever capacity I can.
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...I mean. I am pretty willing to give you everything. I decided that a while ago. I don't see that changing anytime soon.
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[ but he'd also been juggling remembering dying and not being used to it, and remembering killing and not being used to that - ]
You know, it's not just gettin' shit back. Like. I was, before all of this, a little more open, I guess? But not really...open. Like, it's not like I told everyone everything. But I used to think there wasn't a problem in the world my older siblings couldn't fix for me, or with me, and it felt like...security. I think it's how you felt about your dad, when we were kids together. That safety net you never thought about, because it was intrinsic.
[ a shrug. ]
But then suddenly it wasn't, because there are bigger problems in the universe than three people.
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[There's a pause though.] ...is that why it's so important that home feels safe? [He remembers that conversation, about their dorm and about John feeling like safety and it's bothered him on and off since then since he has become aware enough that Dave doesn't tell him everything.]
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