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[parodeity]

DAVE STRIDER

consider this your warning about stairs. itll just keep happening bro. im telling you man

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[parodeity]

Sometimes I get nervous still, that I'm not...whatever enough. [ it's halfway murmured, and the fingers of his left hand slide to john's right wrist, tracing what he knows is there. ] ...And it's stupid. It just happens.

[windeity]

["Why?" Is what he wants to ask but he doesn't. He looks at Dave for a moment, unsure of how to approach this even as he lets Dave's fingers brush over his tattoo.]

...do I make you nervous still? [Is it a uniquely John thing, or something Dave experiences with other people, too?]

[parodeity]

Yeah. I just love you so much. [ it sounds stupid and dave laughs at himself because yeah. why. ] And it scares me that I want so much more from you.

[windeity]

I love you, too. And you're not an obligation to me, and you know I would give you everything if I could and I want to give you things I'm not even sure you want. So...you have to trust me a little more.

[parodeity]

What do you think I don't want? [ it's a baffling thing to consider. ]

[windeity]

To put up with me and not knowing exactly what I want right away. Not as many people would be as patient as you are.

[parodeity]

I mean, you said you wanted to give me things you didn't know if I want. [ ...a small shrug. ] I didn't...don't really expect you to like...know what you want. I shouldn't have, uh, asked. It wasn't fair.

[windeity]

I want to have sex with you. [Just kind of. Blurted out.] Like. Eventually, not right now because there is a lot that still has to happen for us but I want that and I want to keep romancing you with dumb bullshit because I do not believe that effort should stop being a thing just because two people are together.

[Another slow spin.] ...I want to give you a new life. With me.

[parodeity]

[ well. he looks flustered at least although it's because he doesn't know how to...respond... ]

I didn't want - I just wanted, like. [ more but not everything? that sounds stupid. ] It's...okay. Eventually is okay. If you want, or if you don't never, or - I don't know, I regret bringing it up still.

[windeity]

[There's silence.]

...yeah. That's the other thing. I want you to maybe stop regretting stuff like that.

[parodeity]

...It's just. [ he's still dancing. he hasn't stopped, his feet haven't faltered. he doesn't have to think about it. ] ...Humiliating, maybe.

[windeity]

...why? What's humiliating about it? [He's better at dancing than he was, but he has so many questions all the same.]

[parodeity]

It's not...humiliating is maybe the wrong word. I just feel like a bad person, I guess? [ he's struggling to put it into words, but he's...trying. ] For...wanting things. I wish I didn't.

[windeity]

...I want you to want things though. That makes me feel less selfish here. [He frowns lightly.] I like being able to give you things and making things happen. But sometimes it's hard when I'm not sure I'm doing it right.

[parodeity]

It's just. Wanting something you don't, it makes me feel like I'm doing it wrong. [ loving john, he means. he shouldn't want things if it'll stress john out or if it's something he can't have, although that's a tangled confusion of not wanting to ask for anything at all. ]

[windeity]

But how do you know it's something I don't want if you're not asking me? [Just. Pointing that out here. He doesn't want it to be a thing Dave feels like he's messing up, but John's also confused himself.]

[parodeity]

Because you like just said - [ an aggravated sigh and he stops them dancing to shove his shades up into his hair. ] I asked about it because I wanted to - I didn't want to have sex with you, I just wanted -

[windeity]

[He stops moving and he stares, jaw clenched and hands on Dave even if he doesn't say anything. What, Strider?]

[parodeity]

I wanted to do more, okay? Not...I didn't want sex, just more. Which I guess still qualifies actually, and I don't...like wanting something out of you that you're not ready for. I want to turn back the clock to before I wanted that, because for a pretty long time, I didn't.

[windeity]

Okay but like. What is more, Dave? I don't understand what that means. I can't say yes or no if I don't--are you talking like marriage or what?

[parodeity]

[ a very strangled noise as he drops his hold on john? ] No! I mean, yes, but also no! I mean.

[ jesus fuck what if he just kisses john to avoid whatever he is trying to explain. ]

[windeity]

[That works for like ten seconds because he likes kissing but he also reaches up with his free hand to push on Dave' s shoulder to get him to back up a bit.]

Dude, stop. What are you talking about?

[parodeity]

[ this is entirely unfair but his shoulders slump and dave caves. ] I want you to - I don't even know, this is just. I want to carve stupid pumpkins when they're in season and put them on the front porch and I want you to try to host Thanksgiving or something and I want to attempt to help you in the kitchen and I want you to make out with me in the closet at work because you didn't back then and I want to plant tulips and sunflowers in the yard and I want to drag you up here to dance sometimes for no reason and I want to bring you flowers from work and I want you to sing me stupid songs and I - I want you to touch me, okay, and I want to touch you and it sucks because for so long I didn't even consider it and I don't know how to go back on that. And it's stupid and I shouldn't have brought it up.

[windeity]

[Oh. Okay.]

...first of all, like 90% of that is stuff that I am pretty sure we would be doing even if we were not dating just because that's how our friendship works. But secondly, how is any of that stupid?

[parodeity]

I just feel - bad. [ like he's doing the boyfriend thing wrong and isn't good enough for john and john deserves better. dave's hands twist together. ] So, I'm sorry.