parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 1.0;

[ dave

just. stops breathing. for a full one minute and twenty-two seconds. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE KNOWING although honestly rose has made similar comments even without the official confirmation -

no he can do this it's a little harder to pull off completely collected with the other half of the strider set but dave raises and eyebrow and determinedly pretends he didn't just start to go red. god fucking damn being pale as shit. ]

More my style than his, he actually legitimately tries to shut me up about movies with dissertations on like, why You've Got Mail is a deep and meaningful film spoiler alert there is no way anyone should be able to do the speaking equivalent of a forty-page paper without countin' the bibliography on You've Got Mail. Or 27 Dresses. Or the troll versions of either of those films.

[ he has seen. so many romcoms.

dave doesn't even like romcoms???????? at all. ]

...Jesus fucking christ I need to trick him into making a bet with me again so I can pick the movies for a while.

[Ha. Ha. Ha. Dave's recovery might have been passable, even convincing, if he didn't turn tomato-coloured and take basically a minute and a half to answer it.

Dirk isn't smiling. And yet the self-satisfaction is tangible.]

I have absolutely no pity for your situation.

[ no shut up his recovery was great. he scowls, barely. ]

Guess who just got included in the next movie I'm forced to watch? That's right, you did. No talking your way out of it, you have to watch...god probably some Meg Ryan film I don't fuckin' know.

I'd love to watch unforgivably bad movies with you, but I don't want to be in your way if you need to end a dissertation.

[REVENGE x2 COMBO

You really shouldn't provoke your brother about his romantic problems, Dave.]

I'm perfectly capable of shutting Karkat up without resorting to kissing him, thanks.

[ although this involves inducing the irl equivalent of getting karkat to hang up on him, which he...

also is a master at

dave what the fuck? troll people you're not trying to date? ]

I'm a cheat but I'm not that big a cheat. [ okay, that's a lie. ] ...Hahaha I can't even say that with a straight face playing fair is for idiots.

[Dirk picks up his tools again. He doesn't pull down his shades, though. But now that they're not discussing serious things, he can get back to work on his project.]

You're the dirtiest fighter I know.

You're joking, but you're probs right.

[ he's not exactly proud of things like jade-as-a-shield but. he'd do it again if he had to? ]

Jake might be able to give you a run for your money with regards to cheap tricks.

[Jake is actually very tactical in battle, and incredibly ruthless. (...There may be a common factor here.( Dirk has a feeling he'd lose more of their fights if Jake just put down one of his guns or used ones that don't need to reload.]

You'd likely win the Unfair Fighter Competition to his slip-ups into hero stereotypes.

[ yeah, the...the common factor is you, dirk. dave has no idea dirk trained jake, though. at least it wasn't to bro levels like dave got? ]

Probs. I don't have those, since I'm not remotely heroic. One or two of my tactics would actually probably piss you off.

[ he'd 100% use jake or roxy as a human shield against dirk if the situation called for it or made it possible. ]

[Dirk is momentarily silent.]

Yes.

[There is literally no one in his friend/family group that he could ever bring himself to use as a human shield, ever. He would throw himself to the dogs (well) first.]

[ honestly, dave is a little weirded out by the fact he's pretty sure dirty tactics like a human shield would work against dirk. bro wouldn't have been phased for a second. bro's the reason dave reaches for any advantage at all in a fight and doesn't give a fuck about the morals involved. ]

Oh, you agreed. Does that mean you actually have guesses to what sort of shit I'd do if I had to?

[ at least they're not getting into another argument about heroes (which dave is not). ]

Anyway...you're actually weirdly un-cutthroat.

[ dave

that's not a thing you can just say to people?

and dirk is. pretty cutthroat in his own way but apparently dave considers him to be kind of soft because.

well. his competition here is bro. ]

A few guesses, yes. [He doesn't want to get into the heroism argument. Because Dirk believes that Dave would rather die than ever let any harm come to his friends: he would only use someone if he knew they'd be fine, or he'd use himself. You can be like that and still be, to Dirk, heroic. You can even sacrifice others and still be heroic to Dirk—but maybe there's a self-fulfilling definition in there, because isn't Dirk's ideal of heroism defined almost entirely by what one version of Dave did?

At least he doesn't take the un-cutthroat comment badly. He flicks his eyebrows up briefly (a shrug of sorts) as he works with a part.]

I know I'm not capable of that. Not even when it's for someone's own good, which is a demonstration of how much of a badass I really am.

Such as?

[ why...does dave want to know. but maybe he just wants to know dirk knows dave isn't the best person in the world? because all the love and support is still weird and new and wow he should not be seeking out the opposite of that. this is fucked up? dave is fucked up. but he just can't help himself kicking at weak points to see if they'll shatter because he's used to the shards digging into his skin, not being held together through sheer willpower and...well, everything else. ]

[Dirk's brows crease in for a fraction of a second. Eventually, he settles on an answer grounded in a point of certainty.]

You were capable of ending that Jack fight because you knew that Jane could bring me back.

That wasn't a tactic that'd piss you off.

[ dirk had given him permission. not with words, but -

well. he assumed that look was permission. ]

It lets me know what you're capable of doing. [Dirk can take guesses if he has that point of knowledge. Dave is capable of that much, in that context, with that guarantee. Dave is capable of other things. He's still self-sacrificial as fuck but to win a fight he'll do what he has to.]

I wouldn't be angry with you if you were fighting someone else. [He'd feel seriously fucked up, because Dirk cannot stand letting the people he loves get put on the line like that and isn't that half of why he keeps messing up group fights, but he wouldn't be angry at Dave because he trusts Dave too much.] I'd only be pissed off if you were fighting me. [Then he'd be provoked. Then, he'd lose it.]

[ okay good he'd be pissed - wait. ]

Pissed off with me. [ not just pissed off in general. right? dave continues to be the little kid poking at his barely healed scabbed over knee to see if it still hurts.

it's always going to still hurt, but maybe this time he's just checking to see if it'll bleed. ]

[Dave is doing that thing he does sometimes, the one where he just keeps prying and picking. Dirk breathes normally, because he almost always does, but he's careful in measuring out his breathes. He puts his project back down and shits to sit beside Dave. He knows he has to go over this carefully, explicitly, meticulously. Otherwise, Dave will fill in the blanks with the worst possible interpretation.]

If you were fighting someone who for some absurd reason would let you use Roxy as a human shield or whose death required that someone in the family temporarily died, then I wouldn't be pissed off at you for doing what you had to. [A pause, and he puts a hand on Dave's arm.] Also, you know I'm counting you as 'one of the family' for that. I would damn well not be okay with you letting yourself die in a fight if you had to. But I wouldn't be pissed off with you.

[That's scenario one. He looks at Dave, checking to see if he understood what Dirk means.]

[ the hand isn't shrugged off, and dave actually shifts his focus fully to dirk. he'd been kind of flicking his gaze around the lab idly, coming back and forth, a shifty sort of thing normally concealed by the shades. ]

I used Jade as a human shield and it worked. Don't discount the absurdity that is our universe.

[ don't tell jake?

what about scenario two, though. ]

[Ah. Yes, that makes a lot of sense. (He won't tell Jake.) By the barest angle, his head cants to the side.]

The only reason I can imagine attacking you in earnest is something like that song playing. Roxy wouldn't work as a shield then, so I know you would never use her in that situation. You took me as far from the base as possible to keep yourself my sole target.

But if some bizarre twist of absurdity in our universe made it so I'd only go after you, and you put Roxy between the two of us, then I'd certainly end up as furious as I did when you provoked me in our last battle, or rather probably more.

Until I snapped out of it. The only person I'd be mad with is myself for putting you in that position.

[There is one more scenario. But Dirk needs to be sure that Dave understands this one before they get to it.

[ ...granted, yes, he had specifically tried to minimize any damage dirk did. dave nods after a second.

continue, dirk. ]

There's one battle tactic you can use to genuinely infuriate me.

[He shifts so he can sling an arm around Dave's shoulder and keep him close for a half-hug. He needs Dave to understand this, even if he can't accept it yet. But Dirk keeps finding different ways to say it.]

If you let yourself get hurt or killed, no matter how good the reason, I would be incredibly pissed off. I always am.

[ ...........damn it.

dave's still for a moment before he sighs and drops his head onto dirk's shoulder, letting the hug happen. one of his arms goes up to complete the half-hug circle into a full hug. or a locked half hug. whatever you want to call it. ]

Sucks for you that I'm a Time player, then.

[ there's absolutely no bite in his tone. ]

Do you seriously not find anything else I do obnoxious?

[ he feels like that sounds like a question a little kid is asking, but dave just. wants to know. ]

It does.

[A lot. He doesn't even want to think about how many times some version of Dave has died. (He thinks about it often, he thinks about it more than he can stand.) He accepts the closed half-hug and leans his head on Dave's.]

Obnoxious is part of the Strider family name. But I really like you and your company. So not really?

You're ruthless as fuck in battle but I respect that.

Sometimes I really hate you.

[ wait. shit. that's not what he meant to say - or not how he meant to say it. but what else is new? but no matter what he does here, bullshit magic song included, dave hasn't managed to find the switch that changes dirk to bro. not entirely.

not that he's looking for the sw - yeah no okay when he does this, when he picks apart things dirk says, he's kind of looking for the switch. ]

I love you way too much and it's only been a few months and I guess I was lyin' to Karkat, there's actually nothin' scarier than caring about someone that much.

[ "it is simple" in response to "here you are, stating it like it's the simplest shit in the world" and no, it actually isn't simple at all. maybe it's not scary when it's karkat or rose or john or jade because he knows them inside and out and there's no version of any of them who has actually hated dave (karkat tried but he's never been good at hate in dave's opinion), no one they could become who he would stop loving. or who would stop caring about him in return.

he's terrified of how fucked up he'll manage to be if dirk goes over the edge neither of them wants him to step over or if he disappears like some of the others or...whatever. his grip on dirk tightens just a little. ]

Stupid goddamn supportive piece of shit.

[ truly a heartfelt insult there. the clingy hug really sells it? ]

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