parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 1.0;

[Two hours, thirty seven minutes, twelve seconds.]

I want to talk about the thing where I can't be near my brother without feeling like I'm being approached like worse than a stranger.

["Which I guess I am?" He types it, then goes back and deletes it before sending. Don't do the self hate + passive aggressive thing, Strider. That is unproductive. It's why he had to sit here with Jake looking at nothing for so long before he replied.]

I'm not going back on the month thing. I just miss you.
It's like a barred door in a house I don't even have a key to.

["I'm kind of over living in an apartment alone?" Nope. Delete that too. Dirk has learned his lesson. Statements that he feels the need to turn into interrogatives are usually bad sentences to send.]

I'm just a boy, standing in front of a house, asking it not to do a full-scale spring cleaning before at least letting me inside.
Also making shitty movie references because irony is the last thing I've got here.

[For all the good it does him. Which is to say none whatsoever. It occurs to him that URSULA has to be watching this, and he is so, so sorry. She doesn't need this right now on top of everything.]

I can deal with putting aside the argument about Cal. I can deal with not discussing your Bro.
But if you don't want to be my brother anymore I'd like to know.

[He can come back from anything, he knows it, he has to do it. That's how he operates: without hope there's just need and impossibility. He needs to keep going forward and eventually he can work it out.

But if Dave can't even sit around listening to music with him without being a locked room then it's impossibility. And the only way to face the impossible is to shut down.]

[ again the reply is instantaneous - unless dave's personal timeline is taken into account.

no one should take that timeline into account. ]

i fucking hate that i can correctly identify the romcom in question

[ he's not good at drafting shit out. dave doesn't make plans like other people do, exactly. he works on instinct and memory and reflex. and he doesn't do well with filters.

he's trying to do better with filters. ]

why would you even ask me that
its a stupid question
or a statement that is trying not to be a question
but actually is a question
i dont play mindgames about relationship statuses
if we were done on my part i would have said so
even though thats a thing i wouldnt fucking do
are we done on yours?

i told you that you could contact me via communicator whenever
if you need me to meet up with you ill make the time

I'm not done until you insist it's done.

[So hooray for that? 10/10 good work Dirk you will fight to the bitter end until someone else decides they're totally done and then just. Probably sitting around with Cal trying to stop feeling feelings..]

But as to why I'm asking that, it's obviously because I don't feel like you want to be my brother.

["Which I get." No. Someone slap his shades off of his face. He has to stop typing things like that.]

Also that's bullshit. You completely do play mindgames.
Or what do you call going through elaborate efforts to mask any genuine emotional response to me?

protecting you
jackass
idc about your heart player pretentious splinter talk bullshit im not fucking letting you do it re me
we both know the cal thing never would have even been a thing on the table if i hadnt frozen up

Protecting and mind games aren't mutually exclusive. Mistaking hurting someone for helping them is a mistake I kind of make a lot so I know.
It's a mistake I made recently with you.
I swear to God, Dave, I'm really trying.
I'll keep Cal if you won't lock me out totally. I promise I won't hurt myself for you, or at least I'll try not to. I've already more or less promised Jake to stop trying to lacerate myself for your sake anyway.
Because you're both right, that's pretty fucked up to do and it isn't fair of me to do that. For either of us.
I can figure out how to be your brother without hurting myself, but I know I can't find any method to not hurt if you won't let me be your brother.

its not a mind game
i just need to handle my own shit without you
and that requires me to have some time to myself
its easiest for me to have time to myself if i loop it out

im not locking you out
when you want to hang out we can
you punched me and stormed off i kind of figured you werent in the mood to hang
idk your cooldown rate

but good
you should keep cal

[ he's 100% locking dirk out but it's not in a way dave entirely sees as locking out. it's what he does to almost everyone. he'll keep to topics he's fine discussing and be casual and ridiculous but he's not intending to let it get too serious.

it drives everyone else crazy, too. ]

you dont need to figure out how to be my brother
you are my brother
its a fact not an agreement

[There's a long wait on this one. It is specifically the amount of time it takes to finish watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.]

I'm going to say this as clearly as I can.
You are hurting your brother right now.
I'm sorry I punched you. That wasn't okay from any point of view. But it wasn't because you were being a jackass.
It's that I freaked out and wanted any kind of reaction out of you. Anything that gave me any indication you had willingness to connect with me.
Because, as you might be aware, feeling like you're interacting with a locked house is a fairly unpleasant experience.
I'm talking beyond ultimate wedgie in front of the person you like unpleasant.
Past the mental image of a fish swimming up your dick unpleasant.
We've just waved at "living alone for sixteen years" unpleasant as we drove by it. Driver didn't bother to stop on the roadside Mickey D's, there's a lot of milage to cover here. The kids want to take a picture with "your boyfriend hopping to another planet because he can't stand you" unpleasant but the car is going too fast.
We stop, at long last at the promised location. It's "Your Bro Refusing to Have Any Kind of Emotional Relationship With You" Land. The kids hop out of the car and Mom reminds everyone to grab their water bottles. They don't, they're too excited. Dad promised them a ride on "He's Cutting Your Heart Open To Protect You."
(It's a rollercoaster.)
They are so fuckin' into this, Dave. You cannot believe it. They grab cotton candy which is such a beginner's mistake. Eat the whole thing in line. They board the ride. Mom and Dad stay behind. The kids all sit in separate seats on separate coasters.
When they get off they're not bleeding or anything. They walk straight and talk straight.
Probably thew up the cotton candy somewhere on the ride though, that was a dumb move on their part.
The kids look fine.
They walk in different directions. Cindy Lou doesn't respond when Mom calls out. She can't hear anything but the wild wailing in her ears.
Little Sam sits in a trash can. He lives there now. It's his home. The smell of rotting fast food almost makes him sick enough to forget the ache.
Almost.
And Timmy...
Poor Timmy can't touch a thing without having to bite back a scream.
Timmy got it the worst.
Mom and Dad go home. On their next tax forms they say they have no dependants.
Their tax forms always said they have no dependants.
They look around and they're living in a condo with just one bedroom.

Edited 2016-08-16 01:05 (UTC)

Anyway let me know when you wanna hang and I'm down.

[ there's (six months five days twenty hours seven seconds) no wait on dave's response, again. ]

im at that one sandbar where i named that one alien crab thing georgette washington
your call

dont worry about the punching thing i barely remember that happened

[Dirk stares at the second for a long, long time.

That fucking liar.

Dirk shuts his eyes. He leaves his shades with Jake and breaks out of the airlock. It's a long route, but of course Dirk knows exactly where Dave means.

When he sees Dave, he stops. Hovers in the air. Breathes through his nose like he taught himself to.]

Hey.

[ dave's cross-legged on the sandbar with his elbows on his knees as he slouches, hands clasped. someone should someday maybe get him to fix his posture, which is legitimately terrible. his shades are flipped up on top of his head, but reveal nothing more than the fact he looks a little bit tired.

dirk gets a nod and the world's most barely-there half-smile, but dave's not moving from his spot because he's currently waiting to see if georgette washington is gonna come back to this here sand bar?

dave for someone with all the time in the world you spend it in fucking idiotic ways ]

Sup.

[Dirk picks at the whole posture in a glance and filters through it. Slouch: false ease. Half-there smile: misleading satisfaction. Inane goal:

yeah Dirk figures legit but it's definitely also a distraction.

Dirk floats on down to his brother. He sits beside him, his own crossed legs.]

Me and Jake found half of URSULA and Naoko gave us a baby AI. We're keeping her on Floater Island for now.

Are you gonna tell me how long that conversation took for you?

What's the AI's name?

[ > priorities

there's a shrug before dave covers a yawn with his hand. ]

If you ask, probs, but it's not really an important thing. [ his brow furrows with genuine distress. ] I haven't seen Georgette W since last time?

[ he's so fucking dumb ]

She named him NEMO. Jake renamed her LARA.

[Homestuck traditions. Dave yawns and Dirk's eyes turn down.

It hurts. It really, viscerally hurts. And it's terrifying. Can he really do this?

Dirk rubs at his mouth with the back of his hand.]

Most of the wildlife goes into hiding during hurricane season. She's probably keeping out of the storm.

Croft? That figures.

[ he snorts and shifts. there's no point in staring at the spot the water hits the sandbar if there's no chance poor sweet innocent georgette w isn't going to come crawling out. what do crabs eat anyway? dave isn't sure but he has various shit in his 'dex to feed to anything he finds and he was just going to try whatever. ]

What do crabs eat, anyway? [ wait fuck he wasn't going to ask that one out loud. dave waves a hand. ] Don't answer that, she's an alien crab anyway I doubt it's the same as an Earth crab. Maybe? I'm p sure it's not human flesh at least.

[ maybe? ]

So. [ so, how do we start this, not so, at least it's not human flesh. ]

I kinda expected it when I gave the choice to Jake.

[So that's how it goes. His eyes flicker up, register the movement of a hand. Back down.]

Earth crabs are omnivorous. Unless she's specialized Georgette would probably eat human flesh it given the chance.

[So... it could be human flesh? Yeah.]

[ huh. dirk rarely trips up on dave's train of thought leaps, so he actually glances over. at least he doesn't think dirk usually did? they've had all of one conversation spaced out over too much time, for dave, for the last while. ]

Let's avoid findin' out?

[ so.

so.

so.

funny word, so, if he thinks it enough times in a row it's barely even a word - ]

Open house, locked room. [ it's the best he can offer. ]

[Dirk's head turns, and it's honestly pathetic how open he is. Exhausted, circles marked under his eyes when a week of all-nighters barely phases him, deep furrows at the corners, the drawn-down lift of brows in hope that's scared to hope. Dirk has never been an easy read, not totally by choice, he's never been an easy read because he's never had anyone to read him so how could he learn to be seen?

He liked seeing Dave. He liked Dave seeing him.

He liked learning how to trust. He liked being worthy of the trust he was given.]

That isn't fair, and you know I can't even start to be satisfied with it.

[He turns his palm upwards. But he's too scared to reach for Dave's hand.]

Okay. Open house, locked room.

[It isn't fair. He can't be satisfied with it. But at least it's better than his brother taking maybe years to pull away from him.]

[ there had been absolutely no plan for what would happen if dirk said no but dave wasn't sure he needed one. he's the end of a chain of loops, unless he sets himself off again.

he just. laughs. it's not filled with humor, just kind of self-deprecating and a little manic. short and abruptly cut off before he rubs at one of his eyes. ]

Yeah, I. Can't fix myself. I tried? I did try.

[ what does he even mean by "fix himself" - of course he means he just spent more time than he should have trying to make himself not care about bro, to try to shove himself into some semblance of not broken, but it turns out dave strider alone with all the time in the world just can't manage that.

it's been entirely too long since he reached out to touch someone so he doesn't even notice the sign dirk's waiting, dave's gaze flicking to the horizon and locking on. ]

But it's not like it's fair to let you into that room, either, so. Okay. What's Lara like.

[The laugh unsettles Dirk. It's enough to snap his own terror (Dave is always enough to break through it even when he makes it, Dave means so much to Dirk and he thinks now that this entire thing is happening because Dave sees the effects of that without understanding that it's true) so he reaches out. He grabs Dave's hand.

It isn't Dave's choice anymore. He needs someone to hold onto and he's getting it.]

That isn't how that shit works, dunkass.

[Whatever Dave tried. It's stupid. You don't 'fix' yourself. Dirk's the mechanic, Dirk understands robots, Dirk understands that people are not that. You work and you fight and you change and you move forward. You don't take a wrench to it and close off a leak or hammer out a new path for the emotions.]

I don't know if I can deal with that door being locked if you hide shit from me in all the other rooms.

Would you even tell me that you were dating Karkat with where we are right now?

[No, that's too much. He looks away again and his brows scrunch up. It hurts? He's pretty sure his face isn't used to moving this many muscles this little time which is actually funny. He has to tell that to Dave.]

Sorry. Dude. I am totally giving my face muscles cramps from overworking them.

[Look NO ONE HAS HIS SENSE OF HUMOUR do you know how deprived he has been without being able to tell Dave his absurd thoughts?]

LARA is learning how to talk. She's pretty sweet, honestly. I put her on Floater Island because I'm worried about letting her hook up to URSULA but she gets lonely so we have to visit her. I'm pretty sure Roxy's planning on giving her bows?

We're teaching her how to talk.

[ he could only fit so many visits back to the base in the too-long time he looped out. there were four days, and he'd stolen as much of rose's time as he could manage without giving her a chance to talk him out of anything, hung around karkat and john and the friends he'd made on base. dave could cheat a little, make it more than four days as he spent time with two different people during the same stretch of seconds or minutes or hours, but there are limits to the cheating even time travel can produce.

there's a pause before his fingers curl around dirk's, remembering how he's supposed to hold someone's hand. right. ]

That's a cruel and unnatural punishment for a baby AI.

[ jake's old-mannisms and dirks' striderisms, combining to teach anything or anyone to talk, he means. because. holy shit? all they need to do is add in karkat or something and the poor thing will be wrecked beyond repair. ]

I'm considering pressing charges? In the interest of a vernacular that ain't completely fucked to hell?

[ his grip is too loose and awkward because he ran out of hours to loop in back at the base a while ago without dipping into the future. ]

I'd tell you about Karkat. Tbh, I don't really want to keep it a secret anymore anyway. But he does, so it's chill.

[It's okay. Dirk will hold his hand tight enough for the both of them.]

You're welcome to add your vocabulary to the mix. I'm personally thinking of asking Rose to talk to her.

[Rest in peace, everyone who ever talks to LARA.

He doesn't turn his head to look at Dave, but his eyes flicker up. He feels like a kid right now. He is a kid. Maybe Dave doesn't understand that? That they're both children, worse than children. Real kids have a head start on learning how to be human around other people.]

I've been told once or twice that my insecurity is something of a major relationship-wrecker. When I think I'm seeing someone pull away from me, I... Let's just say that it was a fight not to make more of a mess of this than I did.

I understand that you don't want to talk to me about your Bro, even if I don't agree with the reasoning behind it. But I guess I need to know if you're willing to talk to me about other shit. Things that matter. Things that scare or upset you.

The things I'd like to be there for, still? To support you. That's the kind of brother I want to be.

[It all comes back to Dave's Bro, he knows. So maybe Dave will lock him out of everything. But if what he gets from Dave is just the same as what a friendly stranger gets—]

I guess that's all I'm saying.

[His throat hurts a little too. Shit.]

I'll take you to meet LARA.

[ the things that scare and upset him are all too tied up in bro and the past to make it easy. it sucks that so much of him is made up of all of that, bro and their houston apartment and the implacable puppetmaster dave still can't figure out, years after the fact. he keeps other secrets, sometimes, but almost everything that matters that he doesn't say is kept to the same room (spilling out from under the door, scattered through the house, because he can't lock it all up no matter what he does). ]

Now?

[ well. he won't say no if dirk wants to. but. ]

I will admit I was hopin' to actually use the kitchen. [ he is so sick of seafood. ] But sure, I got the time.

[ is perfectly aware of the route he'd need to take to avoid any version of himself because he knows he doesn't meet any of them like this ]

We can talk about anything else. I'll still answer when you ask. [ about time, about everything else, just not bro. ]

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